sam winchester (neversurrender) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2014-09-16 23:02:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, sam winchester, veronica mars |
Who: Sam Winchester & Veronica Mars
What: recovering from the encounter with demon!Dean (please see the warnings on that post)
When: the night after the thread linked above (backdated)
Where: the Winchester cabin, their room.
Warnings: vague mentions of demon blood/fighting/etc, nothing major.
Once Dean was secure, once Sam’s arm had been set and he’d taken something for the pain, all he felt was exhaustion. The aftermath of adrenaline and pain left a sort of emotional and mental grey noise in his mind, and it was just as well that he couldn’t go ahead with the cure tonight, because it meant he could let himself rest. Withdrawal hadn’t yet kicked in and probably wouldn’t until sometime in the morning, judging by the intensity of his cravings. With any luck he’d get a decent nights’ sleep before he had to go through that, although being more awake might only make it worse.
Regardless, there wasn’t any way he was going to keep himself awake all night. As soon as Dean was secure and the first shift was in place to watch him, he headed for the room he considered ‘his’ when he was at the cabin-- or really, his and Veronica’s. Because the concept of separate rooms didn’t really exist for them anymore.
He sat down heavily on the bed and looked at Veronica, tiredly. Despite everything, for the first time in a while, he felt okay. Dean was captured, and they had a plan to help him; he’d been through hell today and there was more to come, but for the moment he felt alright. A bit wrung out, but the absence of pain that had been there only an hour before and the fact that the plan was going forward mostly as intended made things feel like he was actually alright. He knew there was more pain to come, but that was all the more reason to appreciate the moment’s reprieve.
“I’m glad you were there,” he said, after a moment of quiet. “This would all be a hell of a thing to explain right now if you hadn’t been.”
It was the first real thing he’d gotten to say to her since they’d arrived on Dean’s doorstep, because there was-- finally-- nothing more important to do than talk. He reached out to her, wanting the contact, wanting to be able to rest his weary head and heart.
--
Veronica promised herself that she would hold everything together until things had died down and Dean was secured. That meant she was wound tight like a wire for what seemed like (and maybe was? She wasn't totally sure) hours, and by the time they got to the cabin, and she got into pjs and crawled into bed, the pain of letting go of that tension hurt. She didn't want Sam to see that she was that upset, but she also knew it was probably not as secret as she wished it was. At least this was coming closer to an end. Maybe soon Sam would have his brother back for the first time in months. It wasn't over yet, not by a long shot, but at least they had a moment of peace.
She turned towards him at his confession and she sighed, scooting closer and resting her head on his good shoulder. "I wouldn't want to be anywhere else. Even getting knocked out and not being as useful as I wanted to be. I...I just needed to be there for you." She took hold of his hand that he had reached out to her, holding it in both of hers and kissing it.
It was a moment of silence before she asked the question that had been weighing on her.
"It's going to get much worse, isn't it? Before it gets better?"
--
“He could have knocked me out, too,” Sam told her. He settled in beside her, wrapping both of his arms around her. He lowered his head and rested his forehead against the shoulder, finally letting the tension seep entirely out of his body. “He kicked my ass. And then he gave me the power to get him… I don’t know why he thought that would work.”
Well, he had an idea. Dean had probably been watching Cas deal with withdrawal from the drugs he was taking, and it had reminded him of the way Sam had been before, when he was hooked. The difference was, Sam had let himself get hooked, kept going because he’d thought he’d had to. The moment he hadn’t needed the blood anymore, he’d stopped. He hadn’t been right to use it, but he had been right about one thing; that he was stronger than the blood. He still was. No matter how much he wanted it, he wasn’t going to give in. He had too many good reasons not to do it, not least of which was the simple fact that the only demon it was any use against wasn’t going to be a demon much longer, not if he could help it.
“You,” he said, a little tiredly, “are really amazing.” Because when it came down to it, he didn’t care whether she kicked ass or got knocked out in a fight. Being knocked out by a knight of hell was hardly anything to be ashamed of, anyway; the fact that she’d willingly faced off with him, watched everything that had happened between Dean and Sam, and was still here, that spoke to a strength of character that Sam had already known was there. He could tell she was upset, stressed, maybe hurt or disturbed or something else, but that was understandable. He was all of those things, too.
He was quiet for a moment after she asked her question. “I’ll get worse,” he said, apologetically. “The blood… detoxing… it won’t be pretty. I’ll get through it, though, I promise.” Maybe he shouldn’t have taken the blood. But if he hadn’t, they both would have been in much worse shape right now, wouldn’t they? And there was a good chance they wouldn’t have caught Dean at all. “I didn’t want to drink it,” he said, even more quietly. It was important to him that she understood that.
--
She smiled, but shook her head at his words. "He could have, but he didn't. It's fine. I still wanted to be there, even if I wasn't exactly the most muscle-powered companion you could have had. And I'm glad I could be useful, even if it was a small way. I'd rather be knocked out a million times than have to learn about it after the fact. Thank you for letting me come, tree. I appreciate it more than I can say." She meant it too. The only real fights they'd had in the last 2 years were when he'd kept things from her. Veronica dealt with many things with relative ease, but honesty was vital to her. She'd been lied to too many times by too many people to not be sensitive to it.
But calling her amazing did lift her self esteem. She smiled, tiredly, but genuinely at the comment. "I just am glad I could do something, that's all." She cuddled into him, grateful that she had his strong frame to lean on. She was so tired now that she was actually able to let her muscles relax that she thought she could fall asleep with her eyes open. She snapped back to attention at his comment though, about things getting worse. She had a feeling it might.
Veronica nodded, thinking about what she had seen on the show about him detoxing and carefully avoided a shudder. "I'll be here for you, through all that. Okay? I'm not going anywhere."
She paused a moment, her face screwed up in confusion over his statement until she realized he was referring to the demon blood he'd drunk. She shook her head, determined look on her face. "Sam, you didn't need to worry about me judging that. I know you didn't want to. You did what you had to do and I'm glad you did."
--
"The fact that you want to be there-- that you're still here, that you want to be there for everything-- that's so much more important. No one has ever done that for me before, ever." There was so much heartfelt sentiment in Sam's voice. "Not even Dean. The last time I did something like that, he…" He trailed off, because thinking about his brother, his real brother, was painful. "Well, let's just say that trying to get me to drink demon blood again is the last thing he'd ever want to do. That demon that we were up against tonight, it's not really him anymore."
But it would be him again. Sam would see to that. And that wasn't the way he'd intended for this train of thought to go, so he tried to get himself back on track. "I always want you around. I just want you safe, too. But it's your decision whether you risk danger or not, not mine. I can't promise I won't ever try to talk you out of it, but it won't be because there's anything I don't want you to see."
And that had been proven, beyond any doubt, by tonight's events. She had been there for all of it and never judged him or looked at him differently. It was amazing how that simple fact went such a long ways towards healing him; even the feeling of the demon blood corrupting his system didn't feel quite so bad, didn't make him feel quite so wrong inside his own skin. Because she was here, she understood, and it hadn't turned him into someone that she couldn't love or trust anymore.
He wondered if Dean would have felt differently about it if he, Sam, hadn't kept it a secret from him. But Dean couldn't ever have been there for all of it, because he'd been in hell, and telling him immediately still would have been telling him after the fact. Still… he should have been honest. Maybe it would have turned out better than it had.
Gingerly moving his formerly broken arm-- which was healed by magic now, he just still expected it to be broken-- he curled his fingers gently into her hair. "You're a survivor. And you've survived my curse, or bad luck, long enough to agree to marry me, which is… honestly, a miracle." He smiled, lips brushing against her temple. "You promised to spend the rest of your life with me, and I want it to be a long lifetime, okay? So you can be there for everything, as long as you use that Veronica Mars magic and survive it. The only thing I can't handle is watching you die."
His voice had been light at first, but on the last sentence it grew quiet and trembled a little bit at the emotion that conjured. It didn't help that he already had the association of wanting to get married with losing the woman he loved-- somewhere in the back of his mind, he'd half expected to lose her tonight, because that was how things worked. It was probably the thing that had most terrified him, so much that he hadn't even been able to acknowledge it to himself until now, now that the danger had passed. But now here she was, alive, and Dean wouldn't be a threat to her for much longer. So he drew in a deep but slightly ragged breath, and the emotion started to settle and drain away.
--
Veronica stroked his skin, wherever she could touch, as he spoke, hoping that her fingers could send her love for him. She shook her head, trying to let him know before he finished that she wasn't going to be bothered enough by anything. "I'll always be there for you. I know that...it wasn't easy to watch. But I know you had to do what you had to do. Even Dean will realize that. Eventually. Maybe." There was a lot she wanted to say about that, but really, she just wanted him to know that she was okay. With everything and with him.
He was right though. Veronica had survived a lot. Sometimes she thought of it has her being resourceful or full of metal or something, but others she just felt like she was lucky. If luck was what you could call it. Sometimes surviving was the harder thing to do. But today, she liked to think that she was a survivor because she was stubborn and refused to do otherwise. "I'm here. And I'll always be here because I'm stubborn. No one gets in Veronica Mars’ way and lives to tell the tale." She gave him a smirk and nudged him gently. "I mean...Sam, I know you say you're better for having me, but you know the same is true for me. And we've both had loss and tough times here, but these have been the best two years of my life because of you, demon blood and all."
His words cut her, because they were true for her. She turned her face and tried to stop, but a couple tears fell anyway. She had watched enough people die around her. She couldn't see it happen to one more person she loved. She turned back to him, smiling even through her tears. "I'm not going to die any time soon. And you have to promise me that you won't either. I couldn't deal with it. You mean too much to me. You're more than my fiance, you're my whole world." She leaned into him, gently, but still cuddled into him.
"We'll be here for each other. Always. I love you, Sam. And I want to help you through whatever you need to. I wish so much that I could take some of the pain, but whatever I can do to help, tell me." She kissed his shoulder, and any exposed skin she could find, a sigh escaping her lips even as she wiped her tears away.
--
Sam gave a wry laugh. “If there’s anything I’m not worried about right now, it’s that Dean will judge me for taking his blood and using my powers,” he said, and it was true. “He doesn’t have any right to judge me about taking power from demons.” By comparison to Dean with the Blade and the Mark, Sam had used his abilities in an entirely responsible manner. And he’d come out of it still, relatively speaking, human. Physiologically different with more blood in his system, maybe-- his eyes had even turned black-- but the blood had never really tempted him to extra violence or changed his emotional state. Maybe because he’d just never let it get that far, or maybe because what Lucifer had said was right-- that he was special, that no matter how much blood he drank, it would never be too much for him. He’d drunk gallons of it before being possessed by the devil, and it hadn’t appeared to change him at all.
So even if there was still blood in his system when he tried to cure Dean-- not Dean’s blood, but the demon blood that had been with him all along-- there was also something in him that had always resisted its darker influences. Hopefully that would be transferred to his brother, as well.
And maybe, just maybe, he could manage to resist the other shadow that followed him around, the fact that everyone seemed to die around him. Literally everyone in his life would die on him at some point, it seemed. But Veronica kept on surviving, so maybe he’d gotten lucky and the curse hadn’t followed him here. Or maybe, through sheer stubbornness, she’d broken it.
“I know,” Sam said, and he did. It had been really hard to believe until he’d seen the comparison-- her future life on screen. Not that it was a terrible future by any means, but she’d been different. Harder, tougher, more closed off. It was the way Sam had thought he needed to be to survive, too, but it wasn’t better. Here, with her, they were both open and vulnerable. They were experiencing everything, for better or for worse, but Sam was of the opinion that it was better. Because the pain and sadness and anger gave him fuel to do something about it, when he could, and even if he couldn’t, it tended to subside and give way to being happy. It was impossible for him to be around her and not feel warmed, loved, trusted; even in the hardest times, she’d managed to make him smile and laugh. Even if they’d made each other cry, too, the way he’d done just now, the good far outweighed the bad. He put a hand on her cheek, fingertips curled into her hair, and bent his head to bury his face in the pillow beside hers, nose to nose. “I promised you the rest of my life, too, and I meant a whole lifetime. I won’t let anything cut it short.”
Even as he said it, he was aware that he might be facing a deal in which the magic wanted to trade his life for Dean’s. No matter what Kellen said about Wild Magic not being evil, Sam couldn’t really believe that the price wouldn’t be cruel as well as steep. Experience had jaded him, he supposed. But he knew, in his heart, that he wasn’t going to trade his life away. Not just because of Veronica, but that was part of it. The other part was how much pain it would cause Dean. Maybe it was the same reasoning he’d come to in the future and maybe it wasn’t, but either way, he wasn’t going to let his brother wake up from being a demon and find Sam dead, and he wasn’t going to take Veronica’s world away from her. There had to be a better way.
“I’m okay,” he told her, and was only a little bit surprised to find that it was true. “We survived. You’re still here. I’m going to cure Dean, and get rid of the Mark. In a few days, I’m going to have my brother back.” He returned the touch, hands moving soothingly over her face, her hair, her back. “It’s not going to be easy, but you’re going to be here for all of it. So I’m alright, and I’m going to be just fine.”
--
"Well, maybe that's the last thing to worry about, I just mean...I'm really supportive of what you had to do. And you're a good brother. No matter what Dean and Cas say during this process, I know that you have to do this, for yourself as much as for him. I think you're brave, and good, and even if sometimes I wish you would be slightly less noble so I don't have to worry about you so much, I wouldn't change us for the world. You or me. We're both who we are, and that's what makes me love you so much. Throwing yourself in front of vampires and drinking demon blood and all," she said, quirking a smile.
She looked up at him and nodded slowly. "I already know that your life will be shorter than mine. That's a fact of me being younger and the hard life you've had to live. But it's always going to be quality over quantity with me." She took his hands in hers again and sighed, not believing she could say this but, "I'm okay if whatever happens means you won't be around as long as I'd like. It's hard. It tears me up, I won't lie, but i don't want you not doing everything you can to save your brother." Veronica locked eyes with him, especially as they cuddled in bed together. She leaned forward to kiss him gently, leaning into his touches and caresses. "I love you. We're going to be fine together. For all of it, yes, but also for the…" She paused, her fingers laced with his still. "For our family. Someday, I mean." Her eyes met his, not sure if she should press this, but the thought had occurred to her.
--
For a moment, Sam felt warmed by the sentiment. He smiled when she said he was a good brother, and started listing his better qualities; the best part was, as he listened to her, he actually believed it. It was almost entirely because of her that he’d regained that belief and trust in himself, in his own fundamental goodness, and what she was saying only added on to that.
The next part, however, took him by surprise. His smile slowly faded away, and his chest tightened up so much that it was hard to breathe. “Cricket,” he whispered, feeling tears prick at his eyes. It was hard to believe how selflessly she loved him, but on the other hand-- if it had been her, and her father, wouldn’t he have done the same thing? He would have understood the desire to throw herself away for the sake of someone she loved, so that they wouldn’t die. But, “It’s selfish, to trade my life for his. I know that because he’s done it for me. It’s the easy way out, it means he has to be hurt instead of me, and you would be torn up over it, too. I won’t-- I can’t--” He had to stop to swallow, because he could easily imagine their pain, and it hurt so much that he almost couldn’t bear it. “I wouldn’t wish that on either of you, ever. I don’t want to live or die knowing that I did that to you. If that’s the price, I’ll find another way. One that all of us can live with.”
And that was about as much as he could get out before his throat closed over with emotion and all he could do was squeeze her hands, and press his face closer to hers. He wouldn’t make Dean live with the fact that he was the reason Sam was dead, not if he could help it. And he wouldn’t tear Veronica’s heart apart the way his own had been shredded when he’d lost Jess. Different circumstances, maybe, but the pain would still be about the same. Maybe even worse for the fact that they were closer, happier, than he and Jess had ever been.
Though there was a small doubt in his mind that maybe he was being selfish, because he wanted to live. He wanted the life that this world, and this woman, had to offer him-- as much as it terrified him, too, to contemplate the possibilities she was hinting at. He didn’t want any of it to be at the expense of his brother’s life, though. He wasn’t going to let that happen. There was a light at the end of this tunnel, and he was going to get them all through to it.
--
"I don't mean I want you to DIE or to throw your life away or anything like that," Veronica said, interrupting. She chewed her lip and thought for a moment, trying to keep tears from flowing. "I'm not blind. I know that there isn't a Quick Fix Now snap your fingers and make him better sort of solution. Neither of us come from places where solutions come wrapped up in nice neat packages and everything is happy when the credits roll at the end. Our lives are messy, I know that, you know that. I just mean...if there is a cost, whatever it is, I'm not going to stop you from getting him cured. I don't want you to DIE, Sam, or to live without you for a long time, but...I understand there might be….that this is going to be hard." She looked up at him, her eyes welling a bit. "I just want you to be honest with me, that's all. I'll support you, no matter what."
She closed her eyes and curled into him more. "You know, Sam. We don't have to think about that too much. We can take a minute to just...be together. And not worry about what will happen later or tomorrow. Can we do that? Can we just...enjoy that we're here and together and alive?"
--
In answer, Sam did what came instinctively to him right away: he wrapped both arms around her tightly and pressed himself as close to her as he possibly could. It still felt entirely new to him, being loved this selflessly, without expectations about what he did or didn’t do, except to be himself and to be honest about what he thought, felt, wanted, and did. He hadn’t really known that this was what he’d wanted until it had happened, hadn’t really expected it to be possible. Either he was loved by his family, by meeting their standards of being a good son and a good brother, or he had to hide all of that to be loved by someone who would never understand hunting or the choices it forced him to make, and both of those relationships seemed doomed to fail at some point or another. He had chosen family, ultimately, but Veronica was offering him something different. She just wanted him, exactly as he was, and the more he came to understand that, the more of himself he wanted to give her.
“I don’t know what the cost will be,” he said. “But you can be there when I make the deal, when I cure him, for all of it. There’s nothing-- there’ll never be anything-- that I won’t want you to be around for, no matter how bad it gets.” Obviously he wasn’t intending to keep her around for every second of every day; there were things that needed to be done alone. He wanted some time alone with his brother, for one thing, once Dean was back to himself. Because it had been months now, since he wasn’t sure he should count any of the time he’d spent with Dean as a demon, since Dean had really been here. Two months of him not existing in this universe at all, and almost four months of him being here but not really here. “And I’ll be here for you, with you, through everything, too. I hope you know that.”
He curled his fingers around hers, fingertips brushing over the ring on her finger. “And I’m thinking about the future, too. We don’t have to think about it right now, but don’t think it’s because I don’t want it. Even in the middle of dealing with the problems of the present, I’m still planning on spending my future with you.” He hesitated, and then smiled a little bit. “And our family.”
In whatever form it took, family was obviously something he wanted. By blood, by friendship, from home or from other worlds, or-- what he figured she meant-- born in this world to two people from other ones. They’d accomplished the impossible by being here together for this long, despite the tesseract and their respective reasons why relationships tended to fail. No matter how terrifying that last idea might seem to him because of all the ways it could go horribly wrong, he wasn’t going to count it out. With her, anything seemed possible.
Closing his eyes, he added quietly, heartfelt: “I love you so much, cricket.”
--
Really, all she asked was for Sam to tell her. For him to not hide anything from her. She could deal with so much, but she couldn't deal with his betrayal, not after they had built up her trust after all her years of never being able to fully trust men. "I know the costs will be great. I just...ask that I be there with you. No matter what they are. That you're honest with me. I can deal with so much if I at least KNOW about it." She cuddled into him, kissing his arm, glad that the one that didn't need healing was closest. "I do know that. That you'll be here for me. And it makes everything worth it, I swear."
She smiled at his fingers playing with her ring, She poked at his a bit too, liking that they had things to distinguish for the world that they belonged to each other. That he was hers and she was his. It was a mutual beautiful thing, and to her mind, only made the world a better place to be. "I like the sound of that. Of our future, our family." When this was over, she would think about that with more clarity. It seemed weird she still had more college left to do, but at the same time, she already felt like she had lived 10 lifetimes. All of it was better with him there for her.
She reached her face up to kiss his closed eyes softly. "I love you too, tree. Let's sleep a bit, and we can face everything else better once we've had our rest." She closed her own eyes and curled next to him, and before she knew it, she had fallen into an exhausted and blissfully dreamless sleep.
--
If not for the fact that he had once inadvertently kept something from her, unintentionally and only for a short time, Sam would have thought that it would be an easy promise to keep. He couldn’t imagine anything that he’d be afraid to tell her, or any situation he wouldn’t want her in, save for the concerns of her safety or someone else’s privacy. “I can’t take you to work with me,” he said lightly, with a small smile at the edge of his mouth. There were other limitations to her request to be there with him, too, but he knew she didn’t mean that she wanted to be plastered at his side all the time. She just wanted to be there for the hard things, the things that he’d otherwise have to confess to her later. “Otherwise, I’ll do everything I can to make sure you’re there. I promise.”
And he meant it. The last thing he wanted to do was let her down. He knew how easily it could happen, for him to slip up and act on something without thinking of her when the immediate danger was too great. Hopefully there wouldn’t be too many of those situations in his future, and hopefully he’d manage to do the right thing for his relationship as well as the greater moral good and everyone else involved. Her trust was the most precious thing she could possibly give him, and he desperately wanted not to break it.
Eyes closed, he felt her lips on his skin, and the small smile grew a little, and then softened. He tilted his head up to press a kiss to the tip of her nose, and then settled more comfortably against her with his arms still around her. “Goodnight, cricket,” he said quietly.
Sleep didn’t come quite so easily to him, with anticipation and thoughts of the next few days running through his head, with the fresh demon blood circling through his veins. But he was content enough, to lie there with his eyes closed, until the warmth of her and the sound of her breathing finally lulled him into an uneasy sleep.