Christopher Pike (daretodobetter) wrote in thedoorway, @ 2013-05-31 22:14:00 |
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Entry tags: | !log, christine chapel, christopher pike (movies) |
Who: Christine Chapel and Christopher Pike
When: backdated to Tuesday, May 27
Where: Stables in Brooklyn where Pike rides & teaches
What: Chapel hunts down Pike to yell at him, barely refrains from throwing poo at him.
Rating: PG-13 for language
Warnings: STID spoilers; talk of depression
Pike had enjoyed his long weekend with Babs in San Francisco and Napa, but it was good to be back. Good to be back in the stables. He'd settled into teaching at the stables now and finished his morning class not long ago. The summer camps had started up and the stable owner had asked him to teach half-time for it. It was some extra cash and some extra time around horses where it didn't matter if he was Captain or Admiral. Here he was just Christopher - the guy in the wheelchair who knew a lot about horses. The benefit was that it gave him extra time at the stables where he could just take his horse Bulletproof out into the ring and work with her. Today though, his hoverchair was parked up against the rail and he was leaning against it, watching as she ran around the ring and oblivious to everything else around him. Christine hadn’t realized how long it took to get to Brooklyn. Every other time she’d been, she’d been with Pike on their regular Friday rides but today she’d made the trip alone. She lost track of how many times she had to change trains but finally she found herself at the stables. Pike was hiding from her and she knew it. She also knew why and he was about to get a piece of her mind. Christine had been looking for him ever since she’d gotten her copy of the papers she held in her hand but he’d managed to avoid her. He couldn’t run forever though and when she’d gotten off work that day, she’d put two and two together and called the stables. They had confirmed that he was there and she’d left to go after him, only taking time enough to change into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt. She saw him as soon as she rounded the corner of the barn and stopped for a minute. He was on his feet. That was the first thing she noticed. Yes he was leaning against the fence but he was on his feet. Seeing that only made her angrier and she covered the distance to where he was standing in record time. “What the fucking hell is this?” she said, waving the papers in his face. “You’re....” Christine turned the paper around and read aloud “‘suspending your therapy against medical advice?’” She crossed her arms and glared at him. “suspending my ass. You’ve given up, haven’t you?” To his credit, Pike didn't flinch, didn't react in any way except to tighten his grip on the rail that was keeping him upright. He'd dealt with a variety of shit in his lifetime - angry cadets and admirals barging into his office, so this was nothing new. Except that it was different because it was personal and he considered Chapel a friend. "I'm just taking a break," he said, his tone even and calm as if this was nothing surprising. He didn't want to admit how close to the truth she was. She rolled her eyes. “Taking a break? Is that what they call it these days? Seems rather odd, the timing of this break don’t you think? I assume since you signed these papers that McCoy wasn’t happy with your decision.” Christine could only imagine what he had said to Pike about this decision but she knew that he wouldn’t have sent the AMA papers to Pike if he’d supported it. He was covering himself and her as well. “This is about that damned movie isn’t it? You think that if you’re going to die when you go back, why try to live a life here.” She shook her head. “Jesus, Pike. You’re smarter than that. What about all that stuff you told me the other night about going back and trying to make a different future? Were you just trying to make me feel better? Well it worked but this?” Christine held up the papers once again. “I didn’t blame you for wanting to take a few days off because you had a lot of stuff to think about. This is something entirely different, this is saying ‘fuck it, I don’t want to bother.’ “ "That's exactly what it's saying." He didn't bother to deny it. He was honestly surprised that McCoy hadn't yelled at him more, but he supposed it had to do with the timing. All of them were dealing with a lot right now. He eased himself back into the chair, collapsing into it a bit at the end when his muscles would no longer cooperate. "But it's not because of the movie," he explained. "What I told you wasn't a lie. But here.. here I'm willing to say fuck it. There's no Starfleet here and I'm doing a shit job of being an officer and I don't know what to bloody do with myself. And even if I get full use of my legs back, then what? What's the point of walking with no starship to command? I can use them enough to ride. That's enough for now." Christine listened to him, her anger abating somewhat and sighed when he finished speaking. “No, there is no Starfleet. And sometimes I’m really glad there isn’t. Yeah it’s a big part of who you are, who we all are but it’s also been the cause of a lot of pain for us. Especially you.” She looked at him, knowing that he would understand her meaning. “Why do you feel like you have to be an officer here? That’s what I don’t get. You’re an amazing person, you don’t have to command a starship for that. The point of walking is simple. You walk because that’s who you are. I don’t believe for a minute that the Christopher Pike I met at the Academy, who believed in me enough to make me the head nurse on his flagship even though I’d never done anything like that before is content to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair when he knows he can walk.” "Because I'm done," he said firmly, leaning his head back against the hoverchair's headrest. "That week I was twenty - it changed things. It was wonderful, don't get me wrong, but it drove home the point of what I can't do - what I won't be able to do again." He ran a hand over his hair and sighed. "Because being an officer is who I am, it's what I am. It's my job to take care of my crew. And I'm not, here. Everything I know - everything I spent my life studying - is useless here. The only thing that makes any sense is horses which are the same here as at home, but I don't know if it's enough. There's safety in the chair, Chapel, a layer between me and everyone else. Makes it easier-" to keep people a safe distance away. "Without that, what then? Then I have to deal with the fact that I'm here, without my fucking ship, without Phil, without Starfleet and I'm not ready for that. And what of Babs - we're on equal footing or lack there off at the moment, but if I can walk again, then what? I'm just done." She said nothing for a moment, instead walking over to the fence and whistling for Bulletproof who came over as soon as she heard Christine’s voice. The horse nuzzled her hand and Christine laughed. “You really think I would have come all the way out here without bringing you something?” Despite the fact that she’d been furious when she’d left her apartment, Christine had stuck some sugar cubes in her pocket for the horse. She never came out to the stable without them and once Bulletproof had taken them, Christine turned back to Pike. “I know that week was a mixed blessing for you. It had to have been. I can’t imagine what it felt like to have that come back and then lose it again.” She walked over and sat down on the grass beside his chair. “You’re not alone you know. Maybe that’s what you think but it’s not true.” She looked up at him. “None of us has what we had at home. Hell, I don’t even know where I am at home. We’re all lost, we’re all trying to figure out what the fuck to do with our lives now. And do you honestly think so little of Babs? She cares about you, you know that, but you can sit there and say that if you could walk and she couldn’t that it would make a difference? That’s bullshit, Pike and you know it.” He watched her with Bulletproof with a fond smile, still surprised at how quickly she'd warmed up to his horse and to riding in general. Bulletproof followed Christine though and soon the horse was nuzzling at his sleeve. "I have nothing. You have to talk to her. She's your sugar mommy apparently." "It's not her I'm worried about," Pike admitted, running a hand over his face. “I’m all out,” she said to the horse, holding out her hands. “You’ll just have to wait until next time.” Christine shrugged and then looked back at Pike. “Then who are you worried about?” she asked. "Myself," he answered simply, reaching through the rail to pet Bulletproof's head, stroking his fingers and letting the horse calm him down. "Babs and I argue a lot - unless I'm able to distract her - been getting better at that - and sometimes I don't know what's holding us together. If I can walk, I'm worried I'll go back to being that ass that just needs a constant adrenaline rush to know he's alive and that I'll just leave Babs behind." There was more to it as well. "I know I'm not alone, but I'm not very good at letting people in. Just ask Phil. Or Babs. I don't do well sharing my feelings. I function, and I keep on functioning, and I take care of my crew. I know enough to convince psych that I'm competent enough to stay in the fleet." He leaned back in the chair with a sigh, letting Bulletproof lick at his hand. "Can't a man be done? I wanted to die in battle? Was that too much to ask? But I survived Nero only to die in a fucking terrorist attack? What for? And then - to know that I was lonely in those last moments? I didn't want Kirk to know that. I want a better life for him. Watching him die was worse than watching myself die." Christine picked up a piece of clover and twirled in her hand as she listened to him speak. Nothing that he said surprised her really, she knew him well enough to know that this was hard for him. “Hey, you let me in but I sort of didn’t give you a hell of a lot of choice,” she looked up at him and smiled. “What you said about watching Kirk die? That’s why I won’t see the movie. I don’t want to watch you die. I can’t bear the thought of that. Yes, you deserved to go down in a blaze of glory, you deserved to go down with the Enterprise, I know that’s what you would have chosen if you’d been able to. That’s not what happened though or what might happen. We still don’t know exactly what happens when or if we go back. It could all be someone’s idea of what will happen, we’re fiction after all.” That still boggled her mind but she’d come to just accept it and move on because if she thought too hard about it, it just made things worse. “Just...don’t give up. I know you want to, I know that would be the easiest thing to do but don’t do it.” She looked down at the clover in her hand and then fed it to Bulletproof. “Because there are a lot of people here who care about you, no we’re not the Enterprise and it’s not the life you thought you’d be living right now but you’re alive. And I’m being completely selfish here and saying that I wouldn’t be able to stand it if you gave up. That’s not who you are, that’s not the man that I’ve always admired, the man who believed in me when I didn’t know how to believe in myself. You want a better life for Kirk, I get that but he’s got to be the one to make that choice. Your stopping your rehab isn’t going to help him do that. He has to decide how he’s going to live his life.” Pike made himself keep his gaze on her as she was talking, complimenting him. He'd never been good at taking compliments. From his superiors, he could usually get away with a "Thank you, sir/ma'am" as appropriate, but it was different with those under him. Those that joined Starfleet because of him, that did everything they could to serve under him. He still didn't think himself worthy of that level of loyalty and devotion. He knew that he couldn't easily turn down a request like that from Chapel. He was the sort of man who always put the needs of others in front of his own. He still didn't want to try, didn't want to keep fighting because he was exhausted of it all - the rehab, the pain, the drugs, the flashbacks that kept him awake at night (now with added ones of Kirk and Spock dying in front of him in a reversal of the Starfleet HQ attack scene). He ran his hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Are you this persistent with all your patients? Or just the truly stubborn ones?" “Oh I’m persistent with all my patients but the truly stubborn ones get extra attention. Like having the medical overrides used to enter their apartments or being hunted down when they’re hanging out with their horse. By the way, do you have any idea how many damn trains I had to take to get here?” She smiled. “Besides you’re a special case. I think you secretly enjoy my pestering you. If I wasn’t around to do it, you’d miss me. Now McCoy could do a good job of pestering you but I’m cuter and your horse likes me.” Christine reached out and rubbed the horse’s nose as she sniffed at Christine’s hand. Pike couldn't help but chuckle as he raised an eyebrow. "Special, eh?" Christopher asked, shaking his head. "I'm still hoping to get McCoy on a horse one of these days." "I'm not just hanging out with my horse. I'm in between teaching lessons here," Christopher explained with a smile. He still hadn't given her an answer. He had problems refusing a request like that but he was so tired of everything - he didn't want to keep on going. He knew it was related to psychological things he wasn't dealing with at the moment, but hell, he was only one man. A man who was tired of fighting, of struggling. A man who couldn't seem to reconcile that everything about his life - everything he'd lived for - was fiction. “Yeah, special,” she said. “and I live for the day you get McCoy on a horse. I just hope that I’m around to see it because I don’t want to miss it.” Christine knew there were things he wasn’t saying, she knew him well enough to be certain of that but she also knew that for now she’d said all she could say. “Do you like teaching here?” she asked. “I can attest to the fact that you’re good at it. You taught me and I haven’t managed to fall off and break my neck yet. That’s something.” Pike nodded. "I do." He didn't say he longed to ride uninhibited again, because he knew that was dependent on the physical rehabilitation he'd abandoned. "Well, you're my nurse, can't have you getting hurt. Else who would I call when I fall- if something goes wrong." Christine caught his words but she didn’t call any attention to them. “Thanks for looking after me. Somebody has to!” she laughed and then grew serious again. “I know it’s not what you want but you can touch a lot of lives through teaching, Pike. They do some great work here with therapy and horses. I’ve been reading about PTSD therapy and horses. You’d be amazing at that because you’ve been there. Just think about it, okay?” "I don't do that," he said a bit too quickly. It was hard enough for him to talk with Counselor Troi about his own PTSD issues. He certainly wasn't ready to start work with others who had experienced it. That was a bit too close to him and would require him to deal with issues that he'd successfully pushed to the side. Pike regained his composure quickly enough though, the benevolent captain facade back up. "I'm happy just teaching straight up riding lessons," he said. "But I'll think about it." It was a lame effort to placate Chapel and she probably knew it, but it was worth a try. She shot him a quick glance, not really surprised that he had answered so quickly. It told her that she was hitting the nail on the head but she had decided not to push. One step at a time. “Well as long as you’re happy. That’s important.” Christine sighed and leaned back on her hands. “Thinking about it is all I ask. I’m not going to promise you that I won’t bug you about it at some point in the future but I’m glad you’re willing to do that much.” He raised an eyebrow. "So, are you going to ride while you're here or did you just come to throw papers in my face? Because I'm sure Bulletproof will find them delicious," he teased with a smirk, changing the topic and deciding the discussion was done. “No I’m going to ride as long as I’m here. I can’t resist the look Bulletproof is giving me. It’s the eyes. Eyes will get me every time. And you’re lucky I just threw papers in your face. I could have gone after some horse poo. Except I don’t have any gloves and I wouldn’t touch it without it.” Christine laughed and got to her feet. “I’ll go get someone to help me get everything together.” "You throw horseshit at a Starfleet Admiral? I'd almost pay to see that - if it wasn't me," he said with a smile. "Fancy some company? I have an hour till I teach again." “Well if another shows up here, I’ll do it. Unless it’s Admiral Archer. I don’t think I could do that to him.” She shook her head. “Yes actually, some company would be great.” |