InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Bring me the cocobean of death"

ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ᴡᴀɴᴛs ᴀɴ (uprise) wrote in thedisplaced,
@ 2018-05-10 21:00:00

Entry tags:

!network post, johanna mason (au), john murphy

[Sam Wilson (Captain America)]

I have a girlfriend. I have a job. I have a pokemon. Why do I still feel so damn alone? What am I doing wrong here?

[Johanna Mason]

How do you feel?

(Post a new comment)

	first filter captcommunist 2018-05-11 02:39 am UTC (link)
	Alone like actively lonely, or like feeling empty? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 02:40 am UTC (link)
	What's actively lonely? But yeah, just empty. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter captcommunist 2018-05-11 02:43 am UTC (link)
	Sharper, I think. Like wanting to cry. But okay, empty. How long have you felt like that? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 02:49 am UTC (link)
	Like sharp in your chest? Most of the time I can't cry. Like I want to? But there's nothing. 10, I guess. When my dad got floated. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

first filter

captcommunist
2018-05-11 03:01 am UTC (link)

I know what you mean. Almost like it hurts, but without being the kind of painful you'd think of.

I'm gonna ask some questions, a few of them might seem a bit out of left field.

Is there anything you get excited about, or look forward to doing, like a hobby?
Do you waste a lot of time just sitting and doing nothing because you can't be bothered doing anything else?
Do you feel like you sleep and eat the right amount?
Do you have trouble focusing on things?
Ever get angry over something you either know or realise later wasn't a big deal?
Is it sometimes hard to make decisions even over things that aren't very important?
Does any of that stuff have an actual negative impact on your life? Make it hard to keep up relationships or routines or work?

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

first filter

uprise
2018-05-11 03:07 am UTC (link)

Yeah, exactly. It's like you're too numb to do anything but exist.

I look forward to seeing Johanna. She's my girlfriend. I don't really have a hobby.

I used to. On the Ark. I was useless up there. It was just a few of us and I had my own side. Didn't want to be bothered. I have a job now so I do that.

I sleep when I'm tired and eat when I'm hungry.

Most of the time, yeah. I have a lot of thoughts going on in my head.

Agressive is my middle name. It's probably the only thing I do best, get angry.

If that choice has anything to do with me dying or surviving, I make it pretty damn quick. My mind works best under that kind of pressure.

Yeah.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter captcommunist 2018-05-11 03:11 am UTC (link)
	About how many hours are you sleeping a night? And how about smaller decisions? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 03:15 am UTC (link)
	Maybe like...I don't know...five hour since sleeping with Johanna. It was less before. I tend to ignore it until someone brings it up. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

first filter

captcommunist
2018-05-11 03:42 am UTC (link)

Okay, this is where I give the disclaimer that an LPC isn't qualified to give an official diagnosis, but it sounds to me like you have depression, probably triggered by your dad dying. I'm going to guess they didn't have a rigorous mental healthcare system up in space and probably didn't take that kind of thing seriously, but there's a lot of science on it showing how badly it can affect people and how hard it is to beat if you don't have help. The good thing is, if you do have help it's one of the most easily treatable mental illnesses there is.

I can give you a medical referral to talk to one of the actual doctors, probably Jemma Simmons or Leslie Thompkins. They'd be able to do a better evaluation and decide with you what kind of treatment would be best out of lifestyle changes, specific talk therapies like CBT, and medication. I know it kind of sounds like a lot, but really the scariest part is getting started and this is exactly the kind of thing doctors are there for. We've got plenty of resources here, so it's not going to be a waste or anything to use some of them trying to help you feel better.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 03:51 am UTC (link)
	~~My mom blamed me for his de~~ ~~I watched my mom di~~ ~~I was thrown in the skybox at thirt~~ I don't know who Jemma Simmons is. Thompkins and I are friends. Why can't I talk with this to you? I don't need more people knowing this about me. We have a good thing going, no? Did I say something off? We can pretend I didn't say it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

first filter

captcommunist
2018-05-11 03:58 am UTC (link)

This isn't about you doing something wrong, it's about a doctor having better tools than me to know whether medication would help you. I'm not trying to get rid of you.

If you want we can put it on the table and just leave it for a while, keep doing what we're doing. I think it would be a good idea but I'm not going to make you and it's not like there's a time limit on it if you feel better about it later.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 04:07 am UTC (link)
	I don't want medication. I don't want something fucking around with my head. Is that the only way to not feel useless? Yeah, let's leave it on the table for awhile. I'll think about it. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

first filter

captcommunist
2018-05-11 04:20 am UTC (link)

Not the only way, just sometimes a useful one. Like taking painkillers while you heal.

Keep in mind you've been living with this for a while, so not feeling better straight away doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. We're sort of trying to re-train your brain to think in different ways. It's like trying to change a habit you've had for a really long time, it takes practice.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 04:27 am UTC (link)
	I always fuck up one way or another. Well, let's keep retraining this piece of shit and maybe it will be less shitty. I like painkillers, by the way. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter captcommunist 2018-05-11 04:32 am UTC (link)
	Well next time you do, you can pick yourself back up again and keep trying. You don't give up just because you make a mistake. They're pretty handy when you've got blood in places it shouldn't be, that's for sure. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 04:37 am UTC (link)
	Only the fighters survive. That's for damn sure. You probably get this a lot but you do this whole talking thing pretty good. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter captcommunist 2018-05-11 04:45 am UTC (link)
	Yeah, only it doesn't always just mean using your hands. It would probably be easier if it did. My daddy was a preacher. No one uses words quite like a black man with a congregation, and he was one of the good ones. I was about the same age as you were when he died. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	first filter uprise 2018-05-11 04:52 am UTC (link)
	That's where that quick thinking comes in. Oh, really? Didn't take you for a religious man. I bet your dad had some pretty good words to have such an impact on you. I think they all do, huh? Would it be out of line of me to ask how he died? Don't have to answer it. I know how digging up memories can be a pretty shitty thing. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

first filter

captcommunist
2018-05-11 05:06 am UTC (link)

Well I work with aliens and Norse gods and people who get their powers from all kinds of different deity so I figured pretty quickly that religion should be about what works for yourself and it doesn't much matter if someone else believes different.

Nah, it's cool. He was trying to talk some guys down from a fight and one of them didn't take it so well. I was mad as hell for a while, but eventually I started thinking if he came back and got to do it again, he'd probably do the same damn thing. Him being like that was the reason people who knew him were so willing to help out later when we needed it and I wasn't going to disrespect that by forgetting everything he tried to teach me.

(Reply to this) (Parent)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 03:04 am UTC (link)
	Why? (Reply to this) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 03:08 am UTC (link)
	Just curious. You can be honest. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 03:18 am UTC (link)
	I'm okay. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 04:07 am UTC (link)
	I just meant in general. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 04:14 am UTC (link)
	Better? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 04:19 am UTC (link)
	I make you feel okay? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 04:23 am UTC (link)
	You make me feel good. Loved. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 04:30 am UTC (link)
	You make me feel good, too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 04:35 am UTC (link)
	Do I make you happy? Fulfilled? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 04:47 am UTC (link)
	You make me feel okay when I'm around you. Happy, too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 04:50 am UTC (link)
	Then what's wrong... what are you going to say? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 04:53 am UTC (link)
	I guess I feel bad. Like I'm bad for still feeling kind of empty even when there's nothing to feel empty about. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 05:00 am UTC (link)
	That doesn't make you bad, it just means your brain is an asshole. I'm definitely not in the best mental place demanding morphling from you in the middle of the night. it's okay to feel empty. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 05:02 am UTC (link)
	Shit. I've been holding that for a fucking long time. I was scared to say anything. I hate my brain, it's broken or some shit. We can put each other back together again, it's fine. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 05:05 am UTC (link)
	You're not completely empty, right? I'm living in there now. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 05:12 am UTC (link)
	No, not completely empty. You can stay there for as long as you want. I won't kick you out. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 05:15 am UTC (link)
	As long as I want? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ uprise 2018-05-11 05:20 am UTC (link)
	Yeah. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	ᴊᴏʜᴀɴɴᴀ & ᴍᴜʀᴘʜʏ ex_forestry998 2018-05-11 05:24 am UTC (link)
	So you just wanted to tell me you felt like a bad person? I guess the sort of people we are attract each other. (Reply to this) (Parent)