december (pins_n_ribbons) wrote in the_dome, @ 2013-09-19 00:47:00 |
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Entry tags: | 04-11-2017, december, december and mickey, mickey |
rip the bandaid off
Who: December and Mickey
Where: on the way to the encampment
When: early morning
December had worked pretty much all day at the encampment, gone home, slept for too short a time, then got up to go to work. She buzzed home really quick, mainlining caffeine, she hopped into a cold shower to help jolt her awake more, then she was out the door again, holding a baggie of crackers in her teeth as she exited the house, yanking her shoe on. She stopped as she saw Mickey there, waving as she finished with her shoe, half hopping down the stairs on one foot before she was on the ground, dropping the crackers to her hand. “Morning!” she said. “C’mon, we can walk-and-talk.” she invited, since she’d got his text about wanting to talk.
Mickey had caught a few hours here and there after leaving Lily, exhaustion taking over more than anything else, because his mind sure as hell hadn’t slowed down any after he left her house. By the time the sun was up he was dressed and ready to head towards the encampment, assuming if he didn’t catch her before then, he’d see December there. What he wasn’t expecting was her finding him, waving him over as he closed his door and grabbed his tools. Nor was he expecting the good mood. What he wanted to talk about might put a bit of a damper on that for both of them. “Walking works better with both shoes,” he teased ever so gently, not wanting to jump into things just yet.
"It so does." December said with a nod, starting along as she opened the bag of crackers and offered him some. "So, you sounded pretty serious. Want to rip the bandaid off?" she asked, half watching where they were going and half watching him out of the corner of her eye. She could feel the ache in her muscles, the tired sandy grit behind her eyes, but it was actually weirdly nostalgic for her. Like times out there, when sleep was a luxury no one could really afford. Maybe nostalgic wasn’t the word. It wasn’t that whimsical. Still, it was something.
He waved away the crackers, having had coffee already to get moving and not hungry really. Not with what he had to ask. It was probably best like she said, to just rip the bandaid off, but the hard part was coming up with the right question to ask her. “So what are we these days? You and me?” That seemed like a safe enough place to start.
"Friends," December said, frowning slightly. "I thought...I thought I'd been clear there before. Have I been fucking that up?" she asked, honestly wanting to know. She didn't want to lead anyone on, even if she was still suffering from attraction and desire for both guys. Because she was. At no point was she just 'over' either of them, she was still in full sway on that. She just didn't think it was fair, and wanted to maintain their relationships in general as opposed to anything shutting the other down. It was messy.
Mickey shook his head. “No, you’re doing fine with me.” Though he had felt that space between them more than before, but that was probably the point. “And...how long before we or you really, realize that’s kind of stupid and give in to wanting...one of us?” He looked over at her, knowing the words weren’t exactly kind, but he didn’t put any bite with them. He wasn’t upset, just confused and in dire need of some direction.
"You were the one who fucked the slut in the group, remember? I was celibate, when I had a guy who would have banged me every chance he got, if I didn't have a backbone. You know me." she said, looking away with a sigh. "Why? You cuttin out?" she asked, that being the very thing she was trying to avoid, but she could understand it. A sinking feeling hit her gut, and she bit the inside of her cheek on any further commentary until he answered.
“I didn’t realize you were actually holding that against me,” Mickey said shaking his head and looking away from her too. That felt massively below the belt and he instantly wished he hadn’t told her. “You weren’t interested in him the way you are in...us.” He felt more like Mannix than himself and he’d almost just said Mannix, but he couldn’t do that. She’d been with him, not Mannix, even if his had been a drunk needing thing rather than her real-life interest in Mannix. “I’m not cutting anywhere. I’m trying to figure out what I’m supposed to do with myself.”
"I'm not." December said. "I was just making a po--" she broke off, realizing it was useless to argue. She didn't want to argue with him. "And...what? What are you talking about with my interest? Clarify that for me." she said, truly not really getting what he was trying to say there.
Mickey wanted to point out that it was a bad point to make, but she’d dropped it so he let it go, even if he didn’t want to right then. He needed to just get through this. “You weren’t interested in being with Mitch. But Mannix, you’ve wanted him since day one of meeting him and me, we’ve been together so long you know me better than I know me and I was there and we work together. It made sense. That’s not as easy a thing to stay celibate with. It’s not just opportunity.” He sighed a little and ran his hand through his hair. “I just want to know if it’s going to wind up being him.”
As he spoke, she got a sinking, leaden feeling in her gut. Sure, that could have been the gallons of gross coffee she'd been drinking at work but she didn't think so. Mostly because it came with a tattoo she could see forming on her skin in her mind's eye. One that had to do with the bird on her hand, the one that matched his, along with a broken chain and a second bird free of it. "You don't...trust me." she said, the words halting. "Or you don't think I'm capable of wearing big girl pants and not living by my hormones. Or...something. Doesn't matter, I guess," normally she would have argued, but she didn't this time. That exhausted sensation weighing in on her more heavily it seemed. "My decision is I'm going to be friends with you both, if that's possible." And since we're already having this conversation, I'm thinking it looks impossible. "If you don't believe me, or trust me, or whatever, I can't do anything about that. You'll just have to do whatever it is you're going to do."
Mickey stopped walking, reaching out to catch her arm to stop her too. “Stop no. I trust you. I believe you. And you know me. You tell me to be the good guy about this and keep my hands off you, I’m going to do it. I don’t trust him. And I don’t expect you to be alone because I can’t get it through my head that you’d rather be with the guy that breaks the rules than the one that tries to respect them.” He watched her, thinking of the same tattoo, the symbol of just how long they’d been together. “And if you tell me now to wait, I’m gonna wait as long as you want. Whatever you want. But if you really don’t see it ever happening between us, just friends for life or you know you’d rather be with him, I need to know so I can move on.”
December almost smiled. His reaching out to stop her then saying he'd keep his hands off of her was amusing, in an abstract way, even if it wasn't the same thing at all. But she didn't. He didn't help her sinking feeling, though. "Michael, you do realize that if I did want Mannix more, that that would have gotten said by now, right?" she asked rhetorically. "And it's got nothing to do with how much of a rebel or a saint either one of you are. I like different things about both of you and you both have your drawbacks. Why do you think I'm doing this at all? It's an entire ass-load of Not Fair. For pretty much anyone. And I'm sorry, but I can't stand here right here and now and make decisions for 'forever'. But I'm also never going to tell you to sit on your ass and wait, when there could be someone else out there who's perfect for you, or you wouldn't be constantly wondering if when I kiss you, if I was thinking of him."
Did she have to call him Michael? He knew it was just her thing, but it transported him back to places he didn’t want to think of right now. Her saying it like she had that night was seared in his memories. “I never worried you were thinking about him when you were with me,” Mickey told her, even if it was only partially relevant. He supposed he would know if she’d liked Mannix more, but maybe not. And it didn’t change his concerns about Mannix just lying his way through things to get what he wanted. Mickey let out a sigh, nodding. “There is...someone. But I wasn’t sure. I was starting to feel like you needed, no wanted me around less and less. But I didn’t want to walk away if you were waiting on me to get my head out of my ass.”
So, it sucked when he said there was someone else. She covered her reaction quickly, but not enough not to have a flicker of shock and pain in her eyes, before she locked it down and ate a cracker, looking back ahead where they were walking to keep it under wraps. It took her a second to answer, due to the cracker, though it would have taken her a second either way. He already had someone? It had been what--three days?--since they'd talked and she'd opted to put things in the friends basket? And he already had someone else? She couldn't even describe the crash that she felt around her ears, besides she felt stupid. Massively, intensely stupid. For Mickey and all his intensity and his nearly scary stalky obsession with her, he could just turn around that quick? Had she seriously meant that little, that three days was good enough on that? Jesus. There was definitely a creeping emptiness in her chest then, and that tattoo wasn't just an idea now, it was fate. Her skin practically burned where she knew it needed to go. "I hope you're happy with her." she said, her own voice sounding normal, even if in her head it was a little like someone else was saying it.
She might have hid it, but not before Mickey saw it. How was that fair? How could she say that she didn’t want to be with him but then look hurt when he was trying to do what she wanted. Hadn’t she been trying to pawn him off on strangers for a while now? He swallowed hard. “It was one date. Might not even go anywhere,” he said instantly downplaying how much he did like Lily. December’s voice might have sounded normal, but he had a feeling that wasn’t what she was feeling. “Might go nowhere when Mannix finds out.” Jack had been for it, but Mannix might not be. Probably wouldn’t be. “I was trying to decide if I should let it go further or just make some excuse and...not.”
"Don't--" she started, shaking her head. "Don't." she repeated herself. "Don't make excuses." she said, actually having a double meaning there. He shouldn't make excuses for liking some girl and saying it might not go anywhere and he shouldn't make excuses because of something Mannix might say. "Go with your heart." she told him, still looking straight ahead. "Like I said, I hope you're happy with her."
Mickey looked at the sky for a moment then shook his head. “December, if I went with my heart I wouldn’t have let you tell me to leave that night. Or tell me we were just friends.” He knew he’d gone along with things, and hadn’t let on how hurt he’d been, but she’d broken his heart a little with turning him down, saying no.
She sighed, and would have run her fingers through her hair, but it would mess up the already messy ponytail she had going on, and so she didn't. "Well, we're not talking about me." she said. "I'm talking about the girl." And please don't tell me her name or anything about her just yet. Let me work on my poker face first. "Don't let the idea of Mannix cow you. If nothing else, I'll call him off if he tries to do something like that to you."
"We were taking about you, we were taking about us. I was asking about us." And yet she pushed his heartache away like it hardly mattered. Mickey tucked his hands in his pockets. "Don't think you can call him off if he gets the idea in his head that he doesn't want me seeing his sister."
There was a sister? Wait, she thought she might have known that, maybe Mannix had mentioned one waaaay back when she'd been inking him? Maybe. "No, we were talking about you, and a girl." she said. "Mannix' sister. We talked about me already." she said, wishing they could stop having this conversation now, but she knew they still had a ways to walk, so no. "And you know what? He is not nearly as much of a dick as you think he is, okay? I know you have a huge grudge against him, but maybe he won't flip out, and maybe you should shut the fuck up and wait until he does before you start going there. You could lay off of him, any time now. And yeah, I think if worst came to worst, then I think I could talk to him about it. Even if it is his sister. I can vouch for the fact that you're a good guy," she pointed out, even if she was still shocked at how fast he'd turned around on things.
"I didn't come to your for advice on a girl thing, December. I came to figure out how badly me spending time with someone else screws us up." Mickey shook his head. "I'm sure Mannix is great, but he's never been all that wonderful to me. Not to mention I feel like he's edged into our lives in way that you don't need me. And even if he does give me shit for seeing his sister, I'll either put up with it or walk away. I don't need you fighting my battles." He knew they were on their way to fighting if they weren't there already and Mickey was sick to his stomach about it. Why had he thought for a second he deserved to be with someone?
"As far as I was aware, you came to ask me if we were still just friends and if I will never ever ever decide otherwise, so you can have the blessing to move on." she said, boiling it all down. She opened her mouth to say more to the other things, but felt a little too suckerpunched to do so. Mostly because it was so intensely clear that Mickey couldn't see past romantic relationship things, with his statement about not needing him. Her entire thing here was that she wanted two guys, didn't want to lose either of them, and their friendships were more important. So the idea that he felt like that? Like she didn't need him? Completely, loud and clear pointed out just how much he didn't even look at their friendship in this matter. Or that was how December saw it, either way. In the end, she just shut up. Words failed her. So she said nothing.
Mickey reached for her again, catching her tattooed hand and holding it running his thumb over the bird. "I didn't ask for a blessing to move on. I asked if I shouldn't." He didn't want to be away from her. It was easier to think of being with Lily when he was with her, but when he wasn't? December was there, lurking. "I asked because I don't know what to do." And at times, he wasn't even sure why she was friends with him. Maybe she didn't like him, she'd just gotten used to him.
In her imagination, the bird burned when he touched it. She almost wanted to turn around right this second so she could put the additions on. But she didn't. "I thought you weren't asking for advice." she said. "What you should do is move on. Because I can't tell you what you want to hear. So, just...do that." she said, starting to walk again.
Asking for advice about them and Lily were two different things in his book, but Mickey didn't point that out. Instead following right away he took a moment to shove the broken pieces of his heart back into his chest and pull the pain off his face. Keeping them both mattered too much to be anything more, though Mickey did see it as keeping Mannix. He wouldn't have left her. Once the pain was gone her hurried to catch up with her, wincing but getting there. "Just friends then," he said, voice even, pain tucked far away. "'Cause I'm not leaving or anything."
December nodded, not giving him a verbal answer. She was better off not speaking now, letting silence reign. Yes. Silence. That was the way to go.
He hated when she didn't answer, reading too much into it. "I'm sorry." Mickey wasn't sure what for, but he had a feeling he needed to apologize.
"Don't be sorry." December said. "Just...do what you're gonna do, and it'll be fine." she said. And if she kept repeating that, maybe it would eventually be true.
"No. I think there's definitely something I need to apologize for," Mickey said, because she seemed upset and that was his fault. And doing what he was going to do, that was almost no direction at all. If he was doing what he really wanted he'd be with December. Or go backwards and never have told her how he felt. "This thing, it probably won't be anything, it never is. But, you should find someone that makes you happy too." And Mickey needed to get over himself enough to realize it wasn't him.
"Oh my god, shut up. Just--shut up." December snapped. "Fucking quit it. Your piss poor attitude and your poor me no one loves me schtick I am done with. If all you do is stand around and whine that things aren't going to go anywhere they the sure as fuck aren't going to. So shut. Up. You could have had Zania, and you managed to fuck that one up for yourself. That girl was ten shades of into you." she ground out. She almost seemed done, then continued. "'It never is'," she mocked in a pinched, high tone. "Jesus christ, you sound like an asshole! It's been three days since I friend zoned you and you've already got some other girl you can be going out with! You had Zania! You had my attention too! If you had any more females looking at you and sighing dreamily we'd be tripping over them right now! Open your goddamn eyes, and fucking see yourself! Just because you haven't got your fairy-fucking-tale whatever in your head does not mean you're some pathetic schmuck no one could stand, so stop behaving like it!"
He stared at her for a long time wondering just what had changed between them. He got it. She could be harsh, she hated bullshit and yes, he had been a little down on himself there because he just was, but that wasn’t like them was it? The mocking? In the end he did what she asked, shut his mouth and looked away. She was right, he could have had Zania if he hadn’t been so caught up in December, but he had a feeling December didn’t care about that.
She drew in a deep deep breath and let it out in a huge rush. "Look," she continued, voice much calmer. "I just...Look." she tried again. "You know you had my attention, so it would be great if you would stop pretending like you never meant a thing to me at all. And when I wasn't ready to start in on things, I encouraged you to go out. And you did. And that very night, you hooked Zania. Do you even get how much game that takes? To just wander out and on your first shot, possibly not even trying, you brought someone home? Someone who wasn't just looking to hook up but genuinely liked you and wanted to spend time with you? And now, after three days, you've got a new girl. You just...you don't have any right to stand around and whine, or think that nothing works out because clearly it does. Clearly, to everyone but you, apparently, you are a great guy more than worth people's time and effort and someone who captures the eye of ladies around pretty fucking fast. So just stop deliberately viewing everything from some bullshit black pit of despair and appreciate what you've got. Appreciate you. And the women around you. You're being an asshole. I know you aren't one naturally, so you can quit now. This is me, your friend, who knows you better than you, calling you out. Quit it. You actually have a pretty fucking sunny life, quit raining on it yourself."
“I know I meant...mean...something to you,” Mickey said, not letting her use to the past tense. Just not enough. “And yeah, Zania, which I fucked up, by admitting that I was into you from the jump and not being what she wanted. That’s on me.” He looked over at December. “It’s not a new girl like I’m getting married. It was one date with a waitress from the diner. It wasn’t even a real date.So yes, it’s incredible that she wants anything to do with me, I’m thrilled, but I’m not getting my hopes up. I’m not the only guy she’s talking to.” He let out a sigh, but still didn’t look at December. “I’m not trying to rain on it, I’m trying to be reasonable.”
"I wasn't talking about getting married. I was talking about a new girl you're dating." December said. "It's just as important and still adds to my point, because if you did meet someone you were going to marry in that short a time, I'd have to wonder what blow to the head you got that made you that insane." She also gave a little frustrated growl. "Mickey," she said, scrubbing her hand over her face. "Do you not know how insulting you are being to her?" she asked. "Do you totally not get it? It wasn't a real date? Does she know that? Does she like you? Why are you discounting her and her feelings or attractions like they don't matter? And who gives a fuck if there's another guy around? Then try the fuck harder and go for a 'real' date, if you have to actually put that label on shit. Because 'real' dates aren't even real anymore, honestly. You spend time with someone. Have some fun. That's a date whether you call it that or not. I...I feel bad for this girl with how much you're ho-humming, and I'm cringing at your own shit there. And stop trying to be reasonable, obviously what you think that is isn't reason. It's you, deciding you suck and you'll never have anything good, while you're surrounded by it."
Mickey wasn’t taking to being lectured well, despite December being right. “She says she does, but I almost screwed the whole thing up because you came up. I’m still not even sure that’s fixed or if she just smoothed it over to ignore it. And I like her. I want to see her again, but I did this whole competing for the girl thing and it’s exhausting. I don’t know if I want to do it again.” He ran his hands through his hair, just for something to do with them. “I know it’s good. It makes me happy when I’m around her. I know.” But when he wasn’t around Lily, December crept into things.
"Well, guess what. Life is like that. Either suck it up and deal with it, or condemn yourself to the kiddie pool, but the man I remember out there was a fighter. It'd be pretty cool to see that guy again, instead of the one who wants to give up on something good because of some minor detail." December told him honestly. "If she makes you happy, then go for it. Actually go for it. Pull out the stops, set your sights and be that awesome guy I know you can be."
He had been a fighter, but it was a different kind of fight. This one Mickey wasn’t sure he was well equipped for. He nodded, agreeing with her, taking her words to heart. Maybe he’d try a little harder with Lily. “Where’s that leave us?” he asked finally, looking at her.
"Friends. Like we always were, like we always will be." December said. She still had her own issues to deal with now, but she just couldn't at the moment. And she couldn't make decisions for the rest of her 'ever' right then either. It was actually part of why she hadn't been able to really jump on board with a relationship with Mickey in the first place. He wasn't someone who was going to really be happy with anything less than what he wanted, and 'forever' seemed to be in that deal. She didn't want to tell him one thing, not sure if she could pull it off. She'd deal with her own bullshit later.
Mickey nodded. “Just so long as you realize I’m not going anywhere.” Because above everything else, he wasn’t leaving her side. Lily could get used to it, or go with one of her other suitors.
She nodded. "Okay. Just...do yourself a favor? Don't talk about me to other girls. Even if we're just friends, our history could probably be intimidating. So, just...change the subject if you can."
“Learning that the hard way,” Mickey said, glancing at her. “Though I guess I should give you the same warning.” He smirked a little, even if it didn’t get to his eyes. “I want you to be happy to December.”
She looked back at him, meeting his gaze. "I know you do. Cuz you're awesome." she said. She exhaled. "Right now, though, I'm working on this. My happiness is taking a back seat. I'm on the supernatural capers of the dome. That's my calling right now." she said. “Hopefully I don’t suck at it.”
"Don't let this take first priority forever or it'll be like out there all over again." Mickey reached for her hand, squeezing it gently. "You're doing great. I've got your back."
December nodded, falling into silence then, mind still spinning on everything. She just didn't have time to deal with it right now, and she wouldn't. She'd deal...later. Much later.