e i l y (blondebarkeep) wrote in the_dome, @ 2013-12-12 00:12:00 |
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Entry tags: | 04-15-2017, eily, eily and lochlan, lochlan |
Lochlan Feels Better
Who: Eily and Lochlan
Where: Eily's
When: late afternoon
Eily had gotten a worded text from Lochlan, and was glad he wanted to talk – but was nervous as hell at the same time. She'd kind of been assuming he'd be awol for a while after the revelation the other night. So, if he wanted to talk already, she had to wonder just how bad things had gotten for him in the time in between. Was this going to be when he told her he was out again? Or was this them evening things out? She had no idea, but she was nervous. She paced a little in the living room as she waited. Back and forth, back and forth.
Lochlan made his way quickly to Eily’s away from the emotionally charged experience with Sylvia. He was trying not to think about any of it as he jogged back, mostly focusing on trying not to be super sweaty when he talked to Eily. Which was a stupid little detail, she’d spoken to him when he was reeking of alcohol and hadn’t bathed in a week before, but it was something to keep his mind off overthinking before he got to talk to her. He paused before entering the house, listening and smelling to be sure they were in fact alone. Or maybe he just needed a second. He walked in and found Eily pacing in the living room. The sight of her made his heart jolt, his, “Hey,” coming out a little wavery.
Eily looked over, stopping her pacing. He didn't look great. He didn't sound great. “You okay?” she asked. She chewed her lower lip, a clear tell for her nerves. She probably needed a drinky, here. Or a few. But she had to work tonight, too, so she knew she shouldn't, but still. That urge was clearly there.
Lochlan looked down at himself, realizing he looked a little disheveled and perhaps his expression reflected that jolt he'd had, creating a deer in the headlights sort of expression. He nodded, his voice stronger this time as he answered her. "Yeah, I was just out running. Met Aidan's girlfriend. Are you okay?" he asked, wondering what had her pacing and restless.
“You did? What's she like?” Eily asked, immediately curious, but she shrugged one shoulder at his question. “I'm here,” she answered. “You gonna take a shower?” she asked, since he'd been out running. Was she stalling a little? God, she'd really not wanted anything to be weird, and she was psyching herself out because she was inexplicably nervous. She quirked a half smile at that.
Lochlan's lips quirked up a little to the side. "She's different. Tiny little blonde thing. She's pretty like a little doll and has the brain of a computer. She probably could have several PhDs with the way she talks." He glanced toward the hall leading to bathroom and then back at Eily, trying to shove aside the sudden thought that he'd like to ask her to join him in the shower. Sylvia had his mind going in the wrong directions. "Yeah, give me five minutes." He passed her and proceeded into the shower. He was definitely okay with stalling a little, especially if it meant he could get his mind back on the right track.
Eily nodded, disappearing into the kitchen to do a shot or two of whiskey. Then she downed some coffee to try and hide the smell of it on her breath, also starting another pot brewing. Finally, she headed to the dresser that had some of his stuff in it, grabbing fresh clothes for Lochlan and setting them just inside the bathroom after she was sure he was in the shower.
Lochlan was mid-lather when he heard her open the door of the bathroom, felt the cool air and caught the scent of whiskey and coffee along with her signature Eily smell. He wasn't sure why he hadn't locked the door but he'd been distracted so that probably explained it. He peeked his head out from the edge of the curtain to see if she was standing there or if she'd walked back out again.
When she heard the shower curtain move, she glanced up, then pointed. “Clean clothes,” she explained. “You're so not putting sweaty grossness back on, thank you very much,” she told him. “If we're talking, you're going to smell fresh as a damn daisy. Or, y'know. Fresh as the clothesline dictates.”
Lochlan gave her an indulging smile and went back to showering. "I do know I'm not supposed to put dirty clothes on once I've bathed. Defeats the purpose. And no damned daisies, thanks. I'd prefer to smell differently than you do. Pour a shot into my coffee, hm?"
“You do? Who knew!” she teased, that easy to fall back into, and it was far more comfortable for her, taking the edge off of her nerves. Though she did wince slightly when he asked for a shot in his coffee too. Obviously she'd overestimated the strength of whiskey's odor. Or maybe she'd underestimated Lochlan's new sense of smell. That could be too. “Sure,” she answered, and went to go do that.
Lochlan smiled to himself and finished up showering. He dressed himself in what Eily had set out, noting it was a nicer outfit than he would have chosen. More what he'd wear to work or on a date. He figured that was her way of suggesting he dress better. He went to find her then, leaning in the doorway. "All clean and smelling fresh."
She was in the kitchen, having gotten their coffee together. She was sitting on the countertop with her mug in one hand, and she held his out to him. “Here you go, you clean smelling man-wolf thing, you.” She gave him a smile, taking a sip of her coffee.
It wasn't lost on him how nice this was. This lull in the drama where they were just each other. He knew as soon as they stopped the small talk, he was going to feel extremely nervous. He hoped he wouldn't get to the point of wanting to run away again. He took a few steps toward her, taking the mug she offered and sat down with it at the kitchen table, looking at her over the brim of the mug as he took a sip. "Good coffee," he said lamely for lack of something else to say.
So there was going to be more stalling. She could deal with that. She smiled. “I've been known to make a mean pot of it. There are even some people who order it at the bar! Of course, they want it like I usually make it, with Irish Cream, but we're out.”
Maybe he was waiting for her to steer him around to what he wanted to talk to her about or maybe he wasn't sure where to start. Either way he was definitely stalling and the longer he stalled the less likely he was to actually begin a real conversation. Before he could really think about it he said, "Speaking with Sylvia got my mind moving in directions that I didn't want it to. It made me want to leave again. I don't want to do that to you. But I don't know how to do this without leaving."
Eily paled, and her smile died. She grew very still, staring at him, wary. She wasn't sure how to respond. She didn't want him feeling like he wanted to leave again. She hadn't done anything, had she? She'd been leaving him be...or, maybe it was the blank text. Or the other texts, or...she didn't know. She opened her mouth, but shut it again before she could say anything.
Lochlan frowned slightly, surprised she didn't immediately come back with some kind of battle plan like she usually did. This was really affecting her negatively and he longed for the ability to shut it off and go back to normal again. In the absence of her speaking he took a sip of his coffee and looked down at the mug on the tabletop. "I don't know what to do to stop this from being such a big thing between us. I can tell it's taking its toll on you and I'm sorry for that. And I'm not trying to threaten to leave. I'm trying to figure out how to stay. I need to learn how to stay for once in my life. You'd be the only one who could get me to do it." He stopped himself from rambling on, suddenly realizing he'd been holding onto the hot mug until his hands were red. He let it go but didn't look at her.
She swallowed, and wished she'd had another shot. “What was it you were thinking about? What can I do? I thought I was giving you enough space, but I wanted you to know that I was still there and still me, and...” she trailed off. She was certain right now less was more, in the talking department.
"No, no, it's not your fault, Eily. It's mine. And the problem is I don't want space. I want the opposite and I know I shouldn't." He could feel his hands start to shake, his coffee mug nearly ending up on his lap before he pushed it almost out of his reach.
She kept her eyes on him. “You want the opposite,” she repeated. “You want to be closer?” She took another drink of her own coffee, setting it on the counter. “What exactly did you talk about?” she asked. “What changed?”
He didn't answer her first question. "We talked about my situation. About this. She cottoned on to the reason it wasn't okay and ran me through some word association. She explained the instances of … " He stopped and shook his head. "All the things she talked about had me thinking more about you than I'd let myself think before." He was trying to be vague but convey enough that she could understand. He wasn't sure he was doing a good job. He felt miserable and really wished he could be drunk to have this conversation.
She slid down off of the counter, and walked over to him. “Lochlan, quit it. If you're going to talk to me, fucking talk to me. Stop skating around things, it's just...making this harder,” she told him. “I can take it, okay?”
Somehow hearing her call him on his bullshit made him feel a little better. He still couldn't look at her though. "She asked me a series of questions that led to me believing that … that you're my mate in the context of her idea of it based on things Aidan had explained to her." He took a deep breath. "I don't want to be alone. And I know you're here but that's not what I mean."
Eily watched him. Mate. Huh. “...okay, so what does that mean?” she asked. “I don't have a frame of reference, here. What's that entail?” she asked. “And...okay, I get what you're talking about, I think,” she added. Which brought color to her cheeks.
He thought for a moment, almost backing out, but he was going to end up having to have this conversation with her at some other time. It might as well be now. "Everything we already do, except one thing." He reiterated the ideas Sylvia had put forth. "Companionship, support, affection, protective instincts, strong draws toward one another… Fighting it would be upsetting..."
She nodded, accepting all of those. That was true, all of it. She couldn't argue a single one, and she wouldn't want to in the slightest. “Well, if what you've been doing already is fighting it, it is upsetting,” she noted. Because yeah. They'd both been pretty miserable, she thought. Though it really did serve to remind her that this wasn't all him, she was just as messed up here.
"The problem is the part that we don't do. That's what I fight against and that makes this so difficult and upsetting." And it had him feeling like he was going to end up alone because of this. He pulled his cup back and finished the coffee even though it burned a little going down. He didn't care, it was a minor distraction.
Eily watched him. She was glad they were talking, but yeah, this was hard. What the hell had that girl done? Broke open the dam, she guessed. But she was putting everything together fully. He was in love with her, she knew. But he wanted her, too. She thought about that moment, where he'd seemed like he was going to kiss her. And how that wasn't nearly as disturbing to her as she knew it should have been. “What do we do?”
He finally looked at her then and half laughed. "You're always the one with the plans. I don't know, Eily. If I knew we'd be doing what we should be doing already. Whatever it is." He sighed and ran a hand up the back of his hair, trying so hard not think about her in contexts that weren't ever going to be okay with his family.
She looked at the floor for a long moment, then looked at him. “Okay, the mate thing.” She decided to start there. What else could she do? “What do you want to do there? Go with it? If it's basically already there?”
Lochlan wasn't sure what she was asking him. He sat up a little and gave her a confused look. "Go with it? What does that mean, Eily?"
“I don't know, I'm winging this,” Eily said, sighing. She propped her cheek on her hand, eyeing him. “You said we're kinda mates already. Whatever that really means. Just...without the...” she made a vague gesture, cheeks heating up gain. “Can that work like it is? Or are you saying it's a big fat no, and...er...I don't know. Yeah, I'm winging it. Sorry.”
"If I didn't have feelings for you, yes. It would work perfectly. It already has worked perfectly for years before I was even bitten," he said, his tone a little dead as he tried not to allow himself to panic again. He stood and found the whiskey. Poured himself three fingers of it and brought it back to the table with a glass for her. He sat and drained half his glass. "If there were no feelings involved I wouldn't be fighting this and you wouldn't be upset."
She still hated that sound in his voice. That dead sound. It just wasn't him. He wasn't allowed to sound like that. She stood up and came up behind him. “I'm not upset, I'm...” she paused, trying to find the right words. It was important she got it right, because at the moment, both of them being clear was pretty damn vital. “...feeling lost. Not grounded. It’s different than ‘upset’.”
Lochlan didn't look up at her. Couldn't. He could hear her heart beating, smell her, and it just added to how he felt. About her and about this situation. A paradoxical duality. "I'm caught between a rock and a hard place here," he said, his tone still emotionless as he struggled with the ocean of them inside him. "And more than anything I want things to go back to normal. But wishing for stuff like that is a waste of time. I was told so by a wise little girl. There has to be a solution. The only one I see means being separate until I stop having these feelings. Which failed miserably the last time."
“Please don't do that,” Eily said, automatically feeling the cracks that had formed last time they'd been talking about this. She hesitated, then lightly touched his back. “I think we both know it's...not a working thing,” she said. “So, we have to come up with something else. I mean, I'll do whatever I have to, but...yeah. I just...” she trailed off.
Lochlan closed his eyes when she touched him. He drained his glass of whiskey, not really feeling it burn on its way down. "I'm not going anywhere. I can't ever see you that way again. I can't. And I can't cause it." He put his elbows on the table, resting his head in his hands for a moment. He stood up and turned to face her. He had no idea what to say anymore. His eyes betrayed all he was feeling clear as day as he bit the insides of his cheeks to keep from saying or doing anything dumb.
She drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. She looked up at him when he turned, then hugged him. Because she didn't really have words either. This was...really hard. She just didn't know what to do. She didn't know how to get this to a place where it was okay again. And, some horrified, deep part of her psyche she wondered if it was impossible. If it was just done, if things were broken and that was it. She hated that, because she wasn't that girl. She wasn't the type of person in the slightest. She faced her problems, she faced everyone's issues. She stood up and fought everything that was in her path. This however, was something she didn't know how to face down.
Lochlan stood still for a moment when she hugged him and then slowly he brought his arms around her. It felt good to hold her. Right. Like she was supposed to be there in his arms and he let himself relax in that for a moment before he stepped back. The idea of having a platonic mate really bothered him. The idea of having no way to stop feeling how he felt about her because he couldn't be away from her bothered him. The fact that he pretty much didn't want to stop feeling how he felt about her, that he was admitting that to himself, it bothered him like hell. He shook his head. "This is impossible."
She felt him relax. It was almost a little regretful that he stepped back when he did, even if she didn't say anything to indicate that. “Well, too bad, because I don't accept that it's impossible.” Regardless of the fact that she just seconds before was wondering the same thing. But hearing it from him kicked up that defiant spark in her, apparently. “We're figuring this shit out one way or another, because it's not going to destroy things. Or you. Period.”
And there was Eily back again. Digging her heels in and refusing to give up. She was the reason he wasn't lost already. She never let him give up when he wanted to and she'd gotten him through so many tough times he couldn't count them all. But this felt utterly impossible. "I'm open for suggestions." Other than polygamy. At some point that might be a funny thing to share with Eily but it seemed wildly inappropriate right now.
“I'm...still working on those!” Eily said. “But I'll have them! For real! And you're going to help me. But for right now, you. Me. We're going to still be us, and if I am your mate, then we'll figure that the fuck out too. And what that means and all that because I'm pretty positive I don't get it quite well enough, so you're going to need to walk me through it.” Her voice was firm. Confident.
That was the problem. To him a mate implied a full relationship. And… he wanted that with her. That was the impossible part to him. The wanting. The admitting to wanting in his own mind. It wasn't going to stop when they figured this out. If anything, he was only going to grow to love her more and end up even more miserable. If they spent a year apart he could see it stopping things but he didn't want to suggest that. It wasn't possible. "Why… why are you willing to do that?" he asked, suddenly having a moment of clarity in which he saw her side of this. It wasn't all one-sided and she was agreeing to something that was pretty serious.
“When you were describing what it was, all those things that are already there, I agree. They are there. Everything that's involved except the one thing, is our relationship. So, if it's already what it is, then, okay. I mean, I'm always going to be there. I'm never going to abandon you. If you ever needed me, you know damn well you can count on me. I love just spending time with you. Just...yes. All of that. I get it.” Just like she got his feelings for her, even if she shouldn't.
So she was agreeing to be his best friend forever. He understood now. Somehow that hit like an ice brick in his stomach. He sat down and poured himself another three fingers of whiskey, downing half of it in one swallow again. "So there's nothing to figure out there then," he said evenly. "It's on my end." He nodded. His end where the work needed to take place. Maybe he was wrong though. Maybe she wasn't his mate. She might just seem to fall into that category but without the rest of it, she wasn't it. Maybe that was his answer right there and he didn't need to question anything else. He had feelings for a girl, she didn't return them, and he needed to stop having them. Plain and simple. He'd dealt with that in the past before. It was easy enough done. Retrain his mind to think of other things. Refuse to let himself think about the rest. "No, I think I have the idea now about what I need to do." He finished the whiskey, feeling it warm along his limbs finally.
Maybe not entirely. God, she didn't want to be thinking that. But it was sort of there, beneath the surface. “Why do I have the feeling I'm going to hate it?” she asked rhetorically, wary again. “And I think there is something to figure out – did I mention I'm winging all of this? That I don't know what I'm doing in the slightest?”
He shook his head, not looking at her but his tone was a little more upbeat. "You're not. It'll get us back to where we were. If there's anything I know how to recover from it's being put firmly in the friendzone. I guess I just needed to hear it." He thought about another glass of whiskey, wanting to get absolutely smashed. He didn't have a shift today and it would be nice to have the worries lifted. "That's funny though, right? How bizarre for you to have to put me in the friendzone. I'm so sorry I did that to you, Eily." He laughed and decided on more whiskey because laughing felt good. The bottle was almost empty when he poured his third and drank from it. "Remind me to get you another one of these."
Eily was really wishing she wasn't a little muddy with her own feelings. She watched him get more whiskey, and almost felt like there was a loss, though she couldn't quite describe it. She couldn't pin down it's origin. Or, maybe she just didn't especially want to pin it down. That was possible too. She was quiet, thoughts, emotions churning.
Lochlan glanced over his shoulder at her. "I won't be drunk long. The werewolf thing burns it off pretty quick. You should take advantage of my jokes while they're here." He chuckled and looked back to the bottle of whiskey. It felt, to him, like there was finally hope here. He was in the eye of the storm and everything made perfect sense. Or the whiskey was talking. Either one, he'd take it right now.
“Are your jokes going somewhere?” she asked, walking over to him to finish her coffee. She desperately wanted another drink, but yeah. She knew she should probably not. She had to work, and she was aware she was developing a problem there. She pushed herself back up onto the countertop next to him. “Because you're like, seventy percent jokes, you know.”
"You know what I meant. I haven't had many lately." This not being weighed down felt good. He drank some more whiskey. He turned in his chair and appraised her. "Do you work tonight?" he asked in a chatty tone.
“I know, I've missed them,” Eily told him. “And yeah, why?” she asked. “Want to do something after? Like stay in because I think I was hearing that there’s some bad stuff happening or something? I dunno, I didn’t get the whole story or anything. I miss like, tv news.”
He shrugged, knowing that doing something after her shift was out of the question. Hanging out twice in one day was what couples did, not BFFs. "Just curious. If there's bad stuff happening you might consider not going to work. Just saying. Maybe the pub shouldn't be open if bad stuff is happening."
Eily arched a brow at him. “...okay, you just asked to ask?” she asked. “And we already took a hit with the storm and everything, someone's gotta keep the bar going. I'm sure it'll be fine. But if you're that concerned, come by later, walk me home.”
"Hey, I'm just making conversation. It's better than being melancholy, right?" he asked. "Yeah but what kind of bad stuff is happening? If people are being killed, I kind of want to call bullshit and say the pub should be closed. Why lure people out to be killed?" He was throwing stuff off from the top of his head. "I think I might go find Lily. But make Aidan walk you home, okay?"
Eily opened her mouth, then shut it again. His tone was light, so he didn't sound like he was speaking to her from the bottom of the pit of despair, but it felt off to her. Plus it hurt, his comment about luring people out to be killed, and to have Aidan walk her home. Yep, that pretty much felt like abandonment. “...sure,” she answered.
Lochlan wasn't going for abandonment. He was going for moving on to life as usual. Wasn't that what they both wanted? He gave her a look. "No, none of this 'sure' business. If bad things are happening, do something! If I have to come fix it, you know I'll be grumpy," he said, trying to sound gruff.
Eily was having a wibble moment, and she wasn't even sure why. But it was definitely there. “Yeah...we wouldn't want that. Don't worry about it. You won't have to come fix anything,” she assured him. Yeah she just wasn't dealing well. It made her want to pull back, retreat. Like he'd abruptly shut everything down and now...what, couldn't even be bothered to hang out or go for a short walk? She didn't know. She dropped down from the countertop, putting her mug in the sink.
Lochlan somewhere realized he'd created more of a problem by trying to get over his own. She wasn't her anymore like she had been a few minutes ago. He stood up. "I'm gonna go," he announced. Not with the same intent as going away for good or hiding from her. But more like he was removing himself from the situation that had her being not her. "I'm sorry," he said and started toward her front door.
She wanted to stop him, but to say what? She was being stupid? She didn't have a proper explanation for anything, either way, and his response was to bug out fast, which she guessed she understood. She wasn't exactly being helpful, and so...yeah. She didn't know. All she was aware of was things felt off, and she hated it, and she was thinking it was all in her own head. Fuck.
Lochlan was on his way toward giving her up and that was a good thing for him. For them. He was mostly just sorry it had dragged out so long with the weirdness and confusion. It was good that he knew he could turn this off finally. All he'd needed to do was talk to her. He glanced over his shoulder at Eily as he opened the front door. Things must be fine if she wasn't fighting for him to stay so he smiled at her.
She looked after him, and attempted to return the expression, but it failed. Bye, Loch. was what she wanted to say, but she couldn't quite do it. Jesus she was being a complete head case. And the scary part was...she was kind of wondering if this was what he'd been going through. Til apparently like, five minutes ago where it all went away, poof, and so did like, everything else. Or that was what it felt like. Turning, she headed back toward her bedroom, blinking hard and figuring lying down before she went to work was a good plan. If she was asleep, at least she wouldn't be tempted to dig up another bottle of something strong.