e i l y (blondebarkeep) wrote in the_dome, @ 2013-11-16 13:34:00 |
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Entry tags: | 04-14-2017, eily, eily and lochlan, lochlan |
break down
Who: Eily and Lochlan
Where: the bar
When: during the storm
Lochlan hadn’t been showing up for his shifts these days. She hadn’t seen him, he hadn’t been crashing either in his bed or on her couch, and it was...well. Lochlan being Lochlan. He flaked, it was what he did. She wasn’t even mad about the dumped shifts. It was actually pretty much refreshingly normal for the guy. She’d give him ten shades of hell for it, of course, but she wasn’t really upset at all. Eily had just opted to assume he wasn’t going to be in today either, and showed up for his shift, which was lucky because surprise! He hadn’t shown up.
With the weather being insane outside, there had only been one person in earlier, and they’d bugged out a half hour before. Not surprising, considering. But she actually didn’t mind the scenario. She had the bar to herself, she’d cracked a couple of beers and was cleaning up. Which at the moment, included her playing her battery powered portable stereo she used in the back when she was cleaning. Instead it sat on the end of the bar, blasting music that would never appear on the jukebox.
It was clear she was a couple beers deep already, and had been using the bar to sing at the top of her lungs for at least a little while, what with the smokier-than-usual rhasp to her voice as she belted out the song, using a wrench as a microphone. She was in the process of changing a couple of burned out bulbs above the bar, standing on top of it to do so. She was just getting distracted by singing and dancing to get it done in a timely fashion. “I fake my life like I’ve lived, too much, I take whatever you’re givin, not enough, overground, watch this space, I’m open, to falling from grace…”
Of course Lochlan hadn't shown up for his shift today. He'd completely forgotten he was even scheduled which wasn't the usual reason for his flakery but it did happen on occasion too. To be fair, he'd had a lot on his mind, but that wasn't the reason he'd been flaking on shifts on previous days. He knew it was going to catch up with him sooner or later and he'd get the lecture about responsibility from Patrick or Eily. He was hoping for Patrick. They'd managed to make some ground on the friendship front lately and Eily made him uncomfortably aware of his inappropriate feelings for her. He didn't want a confrontation on top of it but it was probably bound ot happen anyway. He knew he couldn't avoid her forever before she came to find him and pin him down about it.
When he realized he'd accidentally skipped a shift, taking note of the schedule he'd posted himself on Eily's fridge when he'd finally come home, he'd had a brief "oh shit" moment and then dashed out back into the rain again. He could at least help with cleanup or something. It hadn't occurred to him that Eily would have taken his shift herself or that she would be at the pub at all.
He let himself in through a side door and came through the back of the pub hoping to slip in as inconspicuously as possible. As he neared the bar he realized though that it was extremely empty but for the loud singing. Which was apparently Eily. He might have turned and walked the other way, continuing to avoid her, but he couldn't resist with a display like this. He stood a moment, watching and listening with silent laughter shaking his shoulders. "You realize this is the reason it's empty in here, right?" he asked impishly, running a hand over his recently shaved chin, missing the beard already.
Eily jumped and dropped the wrench, which landed on a dead bulb on the bartop. She winced, squinting one eye shut. "Lochlan! Don't sneak up on a girl like that! And what are you doing here?" she asked, even if he was meant to be working.
"As for clearing out the bar, yes. I know that's why. People couldn't handle my clear talent and awesome nineties music selection. And chick music. It was too much for them so they all bowed to the queen and went home to tell one and all of their experience being in the presence of greatness." She grinned, then giggled, crouching to take another swig of her beer.
Lochlan jumped back as the wrench shattered the bulb, spitting glass outward toward him. He wasn’t actually close enough for it to have done any damage but he still instinctively moved anyway. “I don’t think you would have heard me even if I had announced myself. Not with all that crooning you were doing.” He gave her a funny look. “I was scheduled so I came in. Yeah, I know I’m late but I’m here.”
He moved closer to her, his brows raised as he listened to her playfully puffed up assessment of her singing talent. He couldn’t help but chuckle as he picked up the wrench with the intent of handing it back to her. He was forgetting, for the moment, that he’d been avoiding her because he was engaged via humor and that would almost always trump other qualms he ever felt. He held out the wrench, his shoulders bobbing again with quiet laughter. “Okay, Britney Spears. Well just don’t let Patrick find out you chase out the patrons by singing on the bar.”
"You're like, hours late," Eily pointed out. "You haven't been coming in, so I figured I'd play the odds that you weren't today either, and just covered." She frowned at the glass at her feet, and started to absently push it together, nicking the back of her middle finger on a shard, though she didn't actually notice. "Careful of the glass," she told him, even if she was crouched up on the bartop with a bunch of it herself. She took the wrench from him, setting it on the bartop for safe keeping. "I totally won't, because I'm going to kill you shortly to keep my secret," she told him with a firm nod. Yep, she was a bit tipsy. She then landed her gaze on him, eyes narrowing. “Yer all wet,” she noted critically.
Lochlan looked sheepish. There was nothing he could say to having flaked on his shifts. He at least had made arrangements with other bartenders if he was going to leave in the middle of one like he'd done twice. "Well I'm sorry you had to come in, especially since it's empty. It literally slipped my mind that I was scheduled until I saw the schedule on the fridge." He reached beneath the bar for a little brush and dustpan and swept as much of the glass from the floor as he could. When he saw she was trying to touch the glass with her own fingers, he batted at her hand gently with the brush before clearing the bar of glass as well. He dumped the glass and quickly grabbed a bandaid for her from the desk in the office, returning to say, "You're going to kill me. I kind of think some people might object. One of them being you." He offered her the bandaid though it would have been usual for him to open it and apply it for her in the past. The last time he'd seen Eily she'd been drinking too. He wondered if this was becoming a thing for her or it just happened to be coincidental to when he caught her. "Yeah it's raining some out there and I've been running around out in it for a few minutes."
When she saw the bandaid, she frowned. "What's that for?" she asked. Then she glanced down and noticed a little rivulet of blood on her finger. "Oh. I didn't even feel that, did you smell the blood?" she asked, raking the bandage. Some part of her was aware, however, that normally he probably would have just done it himself. She opened the bandaid, and put it on her finger, hissing. "Why is it wounds like that never hurt til you know they're there?" she asked rhetorically.
She moved to sit properly on the bartop, and leaned way over, nearly falling before she got hold of one of the clean bar towels, which she tossed in his face. "Don't catch your death. After conferring with me, you're right, I would object to me killing you. So, you'll be let go this time. I am a generous and benevolent..." she made a vague gesture. "Whatever," she finished.
Lochlan hadn't realized he'd smelled the blood, but now that she'd asked he knew that he had. He was taking his heightened senses for granted now. If he thought back he knew that he'd heard her long before he'd entered the pub and that he'd smelled her as soon as he'd stepped foot inside. So regardless of the fact he'd been trying to avoid her, part of him obviously didn't really want to anymore. He wanted to see her. That was kind of bad news considering her state. The last time she'd been drinking, he'd been so close to kissing her. "I think I did, yeah," he admitted though it felt like an admission of something more.
He watched her reaching and nearly falling and brought up his hands to catch her instinctively should she topple. But miraculously she managed to keep herself seated. "I don't know how you just did that but that was rather amazing, Eils," he said, indicating the towel as he used it to wipe his face and hair. He half smiled at her silly reiteration of a conversation with herself and nodded before genuflecting a bit. "Oh benevolent mistress. I humbly thank you for my life." He snorted softly and tossed the towel back on the bar. "Why are you drinking alone again?" he asked without really meaning to.
"Psh! You know I'm amazing!" she said, waving off his comment. She glanced up as the lights flickered again, and then she sighed and hopped down from the bar, to start lighting a few candles. She grinned at him regally when he thanked her, though her grin died when he asked the last question.
She busied herself with candles. "I dunno, no one was here. I was just cleaning, and listening to music, and thought it wasn't a bad plan, or something," she suggested, but Eily wasn't always the best liar in the world, particularly when inebriated. "You don't have to stay, you know. I know you've been avoiding...the house. Me. Something. I'm just going to be boring cleaning either way," she told him, even if she really didn't want him to leave. She missed him, and she was still torn up over everything. She still didn't get what was really going on, and being tipsy wasn't helping that. At this rate if he stayed, she might wind up bawling all over him.
"This I do know," he replied with a partial grin forming. It was a tentative expression; he was trying it out and hoping he could maintain his normal state of being with her without it becoming one big mess of overthinking and feelings he didn't want to have. He could do this, right? He knew he had to as soon as she brought up the fact she'd noticed he was avoiding her. He'd known she would see it. He'd thought it would be a more eventual thing but you don't just fade out of someone's daily life when you're normally there without it being a noticeable thing.
He glanced outside and saw signs flying sideways on their hinges in the wind. It was getting pretty bad out there and the lights were flickering inside. He shook his head. "Like hell," he muttered. Like hell he was going to leave her here, inebriated, to walk home on her own whenever it seemed the best idea. Which he couldn't imagine it would be at any time soon even though he knew she thought she could take on the world at any given time. Like hell he was going to walk away when she was drinking by herself again and at least partly because of him. "I think I could manage to stay and change a few lightbulbs for you. It's the least I could do for missing shifts. But uh… no more singing? My poor wolf ears."
So, you're just not going to talk about the avoidance thing. Right. And we're back to me, in the bathroom, about ready to burst into tears, she thought. But she didn't share it, and instead shrugged. "Your funeral. Because I can't help that I want to sing while drunk. It's against being Irish not to," she said. Then she went to go start up a fire in the fireplace, liking having that to busy herself with now. "People used to like when I'd go to kareoke night. Back in the day." She smirked faintly even if it faded right away as the song changed, to something a lot dreamier. He'd probably hate it.
Lochlan didn't really have a problem with her singing. In fact, if he admitted it, he liked it. He'd liked it when it was a cappella. He'd liked it when it was karaoke. He'd like it when it was in the shower and he could hear it from the couch. He couldn't say so though. That would mean giving up the game of teasing her about it. "I thought we already established I wasn't dying," he protested. "But if you must sing, you must. Go ahead. I'll live. I always do." As the song changed it felt like when you were at a school dance and suddenly the slow song was playing when you'd been dancing happily away, not seriously, with someone and then what did you do? It felt awkward. He said nothing, pushing his wet sleeves up and then looking up as the lights blinked out completely. "Um okay…"
Eily was just getting the fire to catch, and she sighed. "Annnnd there it goes," she said. "Knew that was going to happen. But hey look, we have a fire. We totally won't get so cold we freeze. Even if it starts snowing." She got up, and went back to the bar, picking up her beer but it was empty. So, she leaned over it to grab a new one, settling herself back on the bartop. This time though, she kicked her shoes off, letting them thunk to the floor, letting her bare feet swing back and forth. "If I'm gonna sing, it's gonna be with Miss Franklin."
Normally Lochlan would have protested drunken fire-starting but he was both distracted and trying to remain under some kind of radar even though she'd made it clear she knew he'd been avoiding her. He thought about it being cold and snow falling. She was wrong. If snow started falling the fire wouldn't be enough. They'd have to share body heat and that was something that was going to present a problem for him. What the hell did he do anymore? He never wanted to hurt her but he had such a hard time controlling himself and his thoughts when he was around her. Why couldn't it just be simple the way it had been? Why was this his life? He nodded, trying to chuckle at her statement about Miss Franklin. "Oh sure. Go on with your bad self." He grabbed the bar towel again and began polishing the freshly washed glasses no one had bothered with. All the while watching Eily.
Eily took another drink, then another, then she kinda killed half her beer in one go. Then she half crawled across the bar to switch the song, clearing her throat while she was at it. "I'm taking 'go on with your bad self' to be an invitation to sing," she told him. She searched through the selections until she hit the one she wanted, 'do right woman, do right man' started to play. She cleared her throat, holding up one finger to Lochlan, and when the song started she swayed where she sat, smiling a little before it started, and she sang along. "Take me to heart, and I'll always love you, and nobody can make me do wrong, take me for granted, leaving love unsure, makes willpower weak and temptation strong..."
Lochlan was amused by her, watching her drink and he had the distinct desire to top her off. Maybe he'd been bartending too long. He watched her a moment and then went back to polishing glasses even as she began to sing again. He attempted to not listen but that was stupid. Who couldn't hear what was being sung in such close proximity. The lights off. The fire going. He paused his hand as he polished and watched her. His eyes grew larger, his feelings so evident on his face that after a long minute he turned away having realized he was so obvious. He went into the back room and waited a full two minutes before coming back. "Definitely sing this at the next karaoke whatever."
She laughed. "Yeah?" she asked. "I'm glad you like, sir," she told him. She'd been concentrating on her singing, really giving it her all, so she'd noticed he was looking at her, but didn't quite know why. Maybe just whatever it was he was avoiding her about. She took another heavy drink from her beer, and sat sideways on the bartop, as music kept playing behind her, song changing to something else. She curled one leg beneath her, the other over the side. "So, I've been thinking of becoming an old maid, but I'm slightly fuzzy on the requirements. Do I need cats for that? Or is 'crazy cat lady' a whole other ballgame?"
It was like she knew. Like his mind was laid bare to her and she could pick and sift through everything. An old maid. He just. Lochlan grabbed his toxic hazard bottle from beneath the counter and he drank from it. A lot from it. He was here for her for the long haul and he needed to fortify somehow. "Stop thinking about that," he answered as soon as he felt like he was buzzing a little. "Fiona already tried to threaten that but neither Patrick or I could come around if you had a bunch of cats. Wouldn't you miss us?"
"Really? Well Fi, she's gonna not have to worry about that because she's byoooodiiifuuuul," Eily insisted. "And she's like, the 'bad girl'. Everyone likes a bad girl. Guys are all like 'ooh, bet there's head involved in that, and leather and really loud sex and danger and stuff'." She huffed, a lock of her hair falling in her face and she blew it out of the way. "And of course I'd miss you. I miss you now," she continued. "But...I dunno. Things don't seem to work with me. I don't have any prospects. I had Ben there for like two seconds, but that...didn't work out either." She paused and looked at him. “Can I be a spinster? What’s the description there? They don’t have cats?”
Lochlan was all set to agree about Fiona. She was beautiful and she was kind of a bad girl in her own way. He wasn't sure he wanted to go along with there being "head" involved with his younger sister but he knew he didn't have a say in that really. Really loud sex and danger kind of put him over the edge until he was looking at Eily as though she wasn't making sense. Because she wasn't. "Ben," he repeated, not sure how to follow that up but he didn't smell Ben on her the way he had before. She was being honest about the guy not being as serious as before. "No, you can't be a spinster," he answered automatically. "Why would you cut off options so early on?" So what if someone wasn't there in her early 20s. What had her thinking that was the end of possibility?
"Yeah, Ben. Know what the issue was? He was really, really nice. And everything about him was nice," she told him, staring off into the dark absently. "But that was it. Just 'nice'. Things are supposed to be better than that, y'know? They're supposed to be consuming, and exciting and there's got to be longing, and all kinds of shit. If 'nice' is where it starts and ends, then that's all that's gonna be there later. So...yeah." She trailed off and went to take another drink but found her drink was suspiciously empty again. She set it down on the bartop instead. "I think mostly I just liked having someone tell me I'm pretty and look at me like I was the only girl in the room for a bit. But...yeah. So, anyways, off of that depressing part, I just keep thinking about it and man. I think I've got standards that are impossible, or something. Not that I have prospects to even be turning down. Can we not talk about how depressing my love life is? How did we start this?"
Lochlan listened to her and fire began to grow behind his chest. A fire that was both righteous and wrong. He wanted to sit down for a moment and then run out into the rain and avoid again. But he couldn't. It wasn't right and he couldn't live with himself if she got hurt. "I don't think they'll all be like Ben," he offered even though it made him feel sick to say it. "You're so much more than a pretty face and some 'nice' conversation. I know. I've seen it." He stopped and shook his head. What more could he say without exposing himself. It wasn't fair to her that he was her closest friend and he was closing himself off to her.
He took a deep breath and nodded. "Sure, let's not talk about love," he said. And when she asked how they'd started it, his default answer was to begin singing "We Didn't Start The Fire" by Billy Joel. He wasn't sure why but it was definitely not talking about love or prospects.
Eily smiled a little, and reached out with her toe to nudge him with it, but he was slightly out of range, so she had to skooch down the bar to do it. "You're biased. But thank you," she told him. When he started to sing, she giggled, and joined in, of course flubbing words through the middle, because she never had caught all the lyrics to that song, but she played along either way.
The purity of her being there in the moment caught him off guard. This sucked. He wanted his time with Eily back. When they could both flub the words to a complicated song without it meaning anything. Except right here? Right now? He found himself drifting closer to her, attempting to link his arm in hers and put their heads together the way they'd done a hundred times before when being silly. Before it had meant more to him than it should have.
She giggled and happily linked her arm with his, rolling with it easily. This was what she felt like she needed. Some silly time. Some time to laugh, and not think. Thinking lately seemed like it sucked bigtime. There was so much that was going on and everything seemed like it was tilting off the rails with kinda everyone. All the Aidan stuff, and Darcy, not to mention Lochlan's own stuff, Avery wanting to move...yeah, everyone was having Issues. So this? Was sooo much nicer. Like hitting a release valve to let off pressure.
As soon as Eily was that close Lochlan regretted going there. All he wanted to do was pull her closer, hold her. He wanted to know what was going on with her that she'd be drinking alone again and then he wanted to fix it. But he did nothing. Said nothing. He let her pull at him, put him where she wanted him and he kept singing. Even though it felt like his heart wanted to break. Or his will, maybe. He found a way to gently detangle himself from her and move away. Looking out at the storm before asking. "Should I go out back and check the generator?"
Eily dramatically sighed, and flopped her arms. "Naw," she said. "C'mon, let's go sit by the fire instead. Power's out, it's gonna be out, let's go pretend - " she'd almost been about to say 'let's go pretend it's back in the farmhouse with no power' but caught herself. "- that we've built the most kickass fort ever," she amended. Then she dropped down to the bar side of the bar, and padded silently across the floor, twirling to the song playing as she went toward the fireplace.
Lochlan reached for his hazard bottle and took another drink. This time almost half-draining the liter-sized bottle. Warmth flooded him and he could almost feel his old self taking over. He watched Eily and nodded. "Yes, a fort. Let's go for it. But what do we make it with here?" he asked seeing a lack of pillows of cushions. Still he was game. He felt childish and warm and pleasant at the moment. He nudged her with one hip as he followed her.
She giggled and kept walking, then shrugged and grabbed a table, dragging it noisily over toward the fire, then she dropped down underneath it. "Hey, I don't have a bottle! Do I get a drink of.....er....whatever that is?" she asked, pointing. She laid out on her stomach, kicking her feet up in the air behind her and she propped herself on her elbows.
Lochlan's eyes went a bit wide at her question and he shook his head. "No, seriously that's just for werewolves. Or me, more so. I can't get even tipsy without it anymore thanks to the werewolf thing." He watched her, finding such admiration in how funny he felt her positioning was. One table equalled a fort? He poked at her ribs, getting down on her level but not under the table.
She eyed him. "What? You're not joining me?" she asked. "Or getting me a bottle of my own? Fiiiine. I'll get myself one! And get in the damn fort. Wait! I'll grab coats!" There were always a ton of coats left over from drunk customers. They could drape them over the ends of the table, so it would be a proper fort. She crawled out from under the table, poking him in the stomach while she was at it.
He did as he was told, so to speak, getting up and raiding the lost and found for leftover coats because it was gentlemanly to do it for her. Or something like that. He couldn't be sure what was fueling her need for this fort but he did know that he was going to help. "I'm helping too," he called and chuckled. It felt like they were young again. Only cousins, playing games and being silly together. "I'm joining you," he said and rolled under the table too after he'd snagged two coats and made sure they were insulated. Just in case. Whatever the case was.
Eily took time putting coats up too, getting them to hang all around the table except for the part that was closest to the fire. That she left open. Securing chairs up on top of the ends of the coats so they all hung nicely, she grabbed herself a few beers, and some bags of chips too. Then she was crawling into the fort with him, flopping down where she'd been the first time. "Here we go. Now we've got a fort, we've got alcohol, there's music, we're good. Now what?" She paused, as the wind howled outside pretty loudly.
Lochlan listened to the wind and the rain as it pelted the side of the building. He was glad she wasn’t going out there in that. He was glad he wasn’t going out there in that. He wasn’t sure what they were going to do in her fort and he was doing well to be nostalgic just now. He was lying on his tummy, chin propped on his fists. He glanced over at her as she joined him. “Good question,” he said. “Tell ghost stories?” It was what he would have suggested if they were kids. Though, if he thought about it, their age difference had meant they never really had been kids together.
She smiled. "Ya got any?" she asked. She took another drink, settling in, letting the warmth of the fire seep in. And, the little fort there, it really kept in heat well. Surprisingly so. She was fighting asking him to tell her something else. Like why he was avoiding her. What was really going on. She'd mentioned it, they'd acknowledged, and he'd skipped. She just hated it.
He'd set the bottle with the skull and crossbones beside one leg of the table near his elbow and he glanced at it. He was tingling faintly already from all he'd downed a moment before but he knew it wouldn't last long. And it had probably been a bad idea. Except he was declaring a moratorium on thinking too long about things. Life had been so much easier when he'd lived simply in the moment. Which is how the ghost story started. "It was the summer I was 19. You know, the summer I took off to live like a hobo on the beach and surf? Well I had to take the bus if I wanted to go anywhere. Surfboard under my arm and all. I was waiting at the bus stop and an old lady sat down next to me and asked me what time the bus came. I told her and we talked a little bit about my dreads and the fact I didn't smell like I never showered. Old lady stuff. Anyway, the bus came and I stood up to get on and was going to let her get on before me when I realized she wasn't sitting there anymore. I'd taken a minute to tie my shoe so I figured she was already on the bus. Except when I got on the bus one of the other passengers asked me if I needed money or a hot meal. I explained I wasn't homeless and she was taken aback. 'Really?' she said. 'I just thought because you were talking to yourself...' and her face turned red." He laughed and made a move to scratch at his beard and once again found it gone.
Eily listened, smiling as she did so. "God, those dreads! I remember pictures!" she said, groaning. She reached out to rub her hand over his short hair. "I like this way better. And are you shitting me? Did that really happen?" she asked, honestly curious. "A little old lady ghost?" She didn't disbelieve him at all. She just also knew that it was possible he was feeding her a line.
Maybe it was the slow burn of the alcohol he'd chugged but he didn't flinch when she touched him as he might have moments before. Instead he rubbed his head at her hand like a puppy might. "Yeah, it happened, but who knows if she was a ghost or if she just left. I had that surfboard and maybe the other lady just didn't see the tiny gal next to me because of it. A lot of weird stuff happened to me that summer."
She laughed, and scritched his head when he rubbed at her hand like that. "Sounds like a ghost story to me," she told him. "Man, you had a much more interesting life than I did. What else happened that was weird? Let me live vicariously through you! Pleeeeaaase?" she begged. She even gave him puppy eyes, and batted her eyelashes for good measure.
Lochlan bit the insides of his cheeks when she looked at him like that. He let out a breath in a short "puh" sound. "Oh alright. But none of it tops seeing you kick ass against zombies." He chuckled and shook his head. "Well there was the time I got really high smoking and decided it was a good idea to go surfing naked. The day after was the worst day of my life. Pain and sand in places I didn't even know existed. Come to find out there'd been shark sightings in those waters before we happened on the beach. Which was why it was empty. Guess somebody up there was looking out there for me."
Eily watched him as he spoke, and shook her head, laughing a touch. "Lochlan, you live a charmed life, didn't you know that?" she asked. "Seriously. Someone's always been looking out for you from on high. Most people don't look fondly back on time spent as a hobo. Or apparently swim in shark infested waters naked and turn out a-okay. The zombies could never touch you, you...awoke this fierce zombie slaying demon within and it was glorious. After it was over, you just put it back to bed like nothing, and didn’t wind up some crazy jaded weirdo twitching at every sound or holding onto massive rage issues. Fucking brilliant, Loch. And not even a werewolf could take you down." She reached out and tapped his nose. "Charmed."
Lochlan had to admit she was kind of right about all she'd said. He'd really been through more scrapes than any other person he knew but he'd managed to stay afloat and intact both physically and mentally. Emotionally too considering he wasn't a blubbering nut job. He supposed he should have been but he didn't have time for that. He was too busy living and being happy with what he had. And he also supposed that the reason he'd stayed as sane as he had was because of Eily. "You've always kept me going. When I freaked out or got two inches away from giving up, you were always the voice of reason and the light at the end of the tunnel, Eils. I'm not as charmed as you think. Unless you consider yourself part of the charm. Which," he said as he scrunched his face, squinting at her and turning his head to the side a little, "I can sort of see."
She took another long pull of her beer, arching an eyebrow at him with that. "Well, what can I say? I'm awesome," she said, though couldn't keep a straight face when she said it. She rolled over onto her back, staring up at the bottom of the table. "You see me as being part of your charm? I don't. It is all you, buddy." she said, reaching up to lightly knock her knuckles against his shoulder. "You know what my entire thing is? I stamp my feet, and dig my heels in harder than anyone else. I yell louder." She fell quiet a moment, studying a crack in the wood above them. "All this started when I was just eighteen. I'm just a cheerleader."
When she turned over, Lochlan reached for his bottle and took a good long drink. The burn was enough to make him gasp and tears to fall. He chuckled, feeling the buzz beginning to build some more. This was definitely a bad idea but he was in the habit of making bad decisions. "Part of my charmed life, at least," he said, putting the bottle back carefully. "Yeah, yeah, I remember going to games to see the cousins play and watch you cheer. You were the one with the most spunk and never seemed to need a megaphone to be heard. You just carried it on over into zombieland and became the most important person in my life by keeping me living on several levels."
When she saw tears, she reached up and swiped at them, wrinkling her nose cutely. "Are you drinking lighter fluid? Cuz that's totally bad for you," she informed him solemnly. Then she fell quiet as he said the rest of it. She opened her mouth to say something, but she sort of couldn't quite find the words. It was partly due to the being totally drunk part, but not entirely. Some of her just thought it was really sweet, kinda made her wanna get all choked up, as well as gave her a sharp pang in the chest because there was still the weird avoidance thing happening with them and she didn't like it. Or know what was causing it. So she was pretty swept up in a swirl of emotions. But her eyes stayed on him, even if she had lost her voice.
"Only a little bit. I mixed it with paint thinner and battery acid," he said as though he normally did such things. Her touch was welcome and again he didn't flinch. Instead the inverse problem occurred and he almost caught her hand and held it against his cheek. No, that wasn't right. He actually laughed though as he finished speaking and she said nothing. "Oh ignore all that. Just me being all goobery. Me big man. Me kill zombies," he said and rolled over on his back too. He looked up at the table above, grateful not to see a colorful array of chewing gum stuck to its underside. He was still laughing slightly.
"Hey, don't you go taking away 'you became the most important person in my life'!" Eily said, nudging her shoulder against his. "That's no fair. Can't go saying that shit then saying to ignore it. S'mean. Plus it's nice," she added. She nibbled her lower lip. "Can I ask you something?" she asked. "And that does not count as the question!"
"That stands of course," he backpedaled a bit, nudging her back. "I need you for your couch and your food." And now he was just teasing her and it was apparent in his tone. He glanced over at her when she asked if she could ask him something and his mouth popped open but she precluded exactly what he'd been about to say. He laughed and propped himself up on one elbow, his mind a little swirly but in a pleasant way. "Ask away then, oh benevolent ruler."
The couch and food you haven’t really been taking advantage of lately? she thought. She looked up at him as he propped himself up. With his laugh, she almost didn’t want to ask what she’d originally intended. What she’d been about to say was ‘is this how it’s going to be from now on’. She imagined she wouldn’t get an answer if she asked why it was happening at all, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t ask about duration. If she had to sort of mentally prepare to alter her life and how she lived it to adjust to his absence. But he was smiling at her, and looking happy. In the end, she did go with something else. “Um, what’s the most embarrassing song you like?” she asked, a lame attempt at covering there. It was pretty transparent.
Lochlan was pretty sure that was not the question she’d had in mind. His smile faltered toward confusion as he tried to process the one she had asked. His mind pulling him in two directions as it attempted to figure out an answer and figure out what she’d meant to ask. It had to have been something important for her to cover with something like most embarrassing song. After a moment’s deliberation he said, “I don’t embarrass easily, you know that, but I guess Mmbop by Hanson? And what did you really want to ask me?” His second sentence came out very quickly on the end of his answer, his expression curious with a hint of I saw what you did there.
“I like that song too,” Eily admitted. But she knew she’d screwed up there, and she also knew him well enough to know if she kept trying to deflect, it wasn’t going to work. She drew in a breath, and let it out slowly, looking up at him. “I was going to ask you if this was how it was going to be now. You’ve been avoiding, and you haven’t told me why and I didn’t think you’d answer that now, either. But can you tell me if this is just...how it’s going to be? You’re going to keep avoiding me unless we’re at family dinners, or you accidentally run into me? Do I need to figure out what to do with the rest of my life without you being such a huge part of it? I’d thought maybe it was done, when I saw you after the full moon, but…” I was wrong, obviously.
Damn. He’d been all set to enjoy spending time with her. Howcome she’d had to make it serious business? But the question had been inevitable and he knew it even if his mind was slowly fuzzing. Still, how did he answer it without giving away his secret? He frowned slightly, brows pushing together as he looked at her. His hand came up to lightly tug the end of a strand of her hair, something he hadn’t done since the days of lookouts and zombies. Then he let his hand fall against his chest. “I don’t know, Eily. I want to say that you don’t have to figure that out because I’m not going anywhere. I couldn’t go very far anyway. The doors are shut. Not that I’d leave Delphi anyway. This is home. Family is here. You’re here.” Which made no sense if he was going to avoid her but that was what he felt nonetheless.
"But that isn't what you're saying, it's what you want to say," Eily said, catching that. "So, the answer is really yes, this is how it's going to be, I should get used to that," she provided for him. Her voice was shockingly steady, but she shut up right after it because a lump was forming in her throat and she was dangerously close to bursting into tears.
No this wasn’t coming out the way he wanted it to. He hadn’t meant that all of that was only what he wanted to say but he realized that’s exactly what it would have sounded like to her. His frown deepened, turning thoughtful as he tried to force his brain to figure this out without exposing himself. “There’s… there’s something going on with me that I just need to figure out. And when I figure it out then things will be okay again. I’m not going anywhere. I don’t want to.”
"And normally, that'd be fine, it wouldn't be the first time you had to figure things out, but usually I'm in on it. You talk to me, or you fuck off for a little while then wander back. But that isn't happening this time. This is...this is different. I can feel it. Which sounds stupid even to my own ears, but that's exactly what I mean. This whole...thing, feels different." Eily said. "And you say you aren't going anywhere, but you have. You're as good as gone."
As good as gone. Was he? There really had been an Eily-shaped hole in his life lately. Even spending time with Lily and attempting to not think about it hadn’t closed it. It was why he’d stuck around today, he was sure of it. He missed her. Missed the things that weren’t wrong about how he felt about her. “I don’t know how to explain why it’s different. I know it is,” he admitted because it was so different that he couldn’t help but feel ashamed. “I’m sorry.” He looked down at the floor and then away at the fire, unaware that shame was written all over his face as he mulled around his thoughts.
It was even more painful to hear him say it. Because that really made it true. Some part of her had been holding out hope that he would correct her convincingly enough that she would be able to pretend a while longer. She studied his features, and god, what was that? He looked...what, ashamed? What was going on? She reached up, to force him to look back at her. "What. Is. Happening?" she asked, voice very quiet.
His eyes went a little wide when she reached for him. He’d been caught in his thoughts, they’d been pouring in from wherever he’d stuffed them. He tried to smile, half laugh, thinking of making a joke or something because this was too serious. But instead he simply looked at her and shook his head. “I have to figure it out, Eily. I have to figure it out and things will be okay again.” He knew he was repeating himself but he wasn’t sure what else to say.
And he still wasn't telling her. Even right now. Her hand dropped, and she sat up, crawling out from beneath the table. She needed something stronger than beer. Or she needed to leave, storm or not. It was technically just skin abrading levels of water, right? And wind so hard she'd blow away? Maybe she'd get a Dorothy treatment and head over the rainbow or some shit. She'd take it.
Lochlan watched her get up and sighed at himself. He was fucking this up. Their relationship. When conversations ended with her walking away instead of a resolution of whatever problem was between them, it was bad. So bad that he was frozen there for a full ten seconds before he got up, climbing out from under the table. He swore under his breath and looked for her. "Eily, I can't tell you anymore than this because I don't want anything to come between us and I know that by not telling you, it's doing just that. But I can't, I can't," he said, his voice trailing into a miserable whisper.
She kept going, pushing herself back up to the barstool, glad it was far darker over there than nearer the fire. She fished out a bottle of whatever, not even really looking, and she sat on the bar, one foot on a stool the other dangling free as she yanked the cap, and took a long drink. "So, it's 'between a rock and a hard place' time." she said. "I just don't get why you can't tell me. You have told me some pretty TMI shit in your life, why all of a sudden can't you now? I keep wracking my brain over this and can't think of anything that would make you freak out like this!"
His eyes tracked her to where she sat, able to see her fairly well in spite of the low light. He drifted toward the bar and sat down on the stool beside her. "Because it's not TMI shit." He put both palms on the countertop, looking down at it and not at her, trying to focus his thoughts. "This is bigger than that and maybe once I've figured it out and we're old and gray, maybe I can tell you and we can laugh about it. Laugh at stupid Lochlan." He gave a humorless little laugh and then pulled his arms together on the countertop, resting his face down against them.
Eily still hated this. "You aren't stupid." she said first, voice soft. She fell silent, watching him be miserable and it sucked. Clearly this wasn't just hard on her. Eventually she took another swig then set the bottle down. Reaching out, she moved closer to run her hand over the back of his head then she rubbed his shoulders, feeling the intense tension there.
He closed his eyes, the alcohol combined with frustration and helplessness meaning he was possibly going to start crying or something stupid like that. His nose burned with the threat of tears and he left his face where it was as she rubbed his shoulders. It was a normal thing for her to do, he told himself. It was something she’d always done. She was compassionate, tenderhearted, and stronger than he ever could be. And right then he knew he was so fucking doomed where figuring this out and going back to okay was concerned. She was the only one he’d ever let see him like this. “I love you, you know?” he mumbled against his arms.
"I know," she told him, voice still soft. "I love you too." She kept rubbing, just wanting this to be done. She wanted to help him through whatever this was, and they could both stop being achingly miserable. But he wasn't letting her help him, and she was left in the dust, and it all just sucked. The signs were all there. Hell, a few weeks ago? He would have known the second things hadn't worked out with Ben, and he would have been at her house with ice cream inside of five minutes. No matter what. Now? He hadn't even known til today, and he still refused to tell her what was happening. Even if it was clearly killing him.
He took several deep breaths and turned his face toward her, opening his eyes which no longer threatened tears because he’d managed to control himself thank goodness. She was very beautiful there, her face half reflected by the fire. More than just because of her face but because of all she meant to him. Why did she have to be his cousin? he wondered for what might have been the hundredth time since realizing what he felt for her. “I’m sorry about this. All of it. That I’ve been avoiding you and that I can’t talk to you about this. Believe me. I wish I could. I have no one to talk to about it.” He stopped and sighed, closing his eyes again.
God, it was painful just looking in his eyes like that. He looked...broken, and she hated it. He wasn't allowed to look broken. They were both really strong, and they weren't alone, and that was how this shit worked. Only not anymore. She watched his eyes until they closed again. She leaned over and kissed his temple, resting her head against his for a moment. She wanted to say something comforting, but nothing felt right. At the moment? It would just be false, wouldn't it? When you were losing your best friend, someone who kept you going, the most important Other, on either end of it, there was no making it feel better.
Lochlan had no right whatsoever to enjoy her closeness the way he did when she kissed him, resting her head against him. He wanted to not think about how much he would like to just hold her right then because this really did suck. He was thinking about the fact that if he couldn’t get his thoughts and feelings under control he was really going to mess up. He was going to eventually do something on the spur of the moment that was going to destroy them. He’d never be able to face her again or his family. Why wasn’t any of that enough of a motivator to change things? He reached up before she lifted her face and touched her cheek, his hand turned at an odd angle but he didn’t care. “It’ll all be okay eventually,” he lied.
She tilted her face into his touch, knowing he was lying. "Liar," she whispered. She was wracking her brain. God, there had to be a way to fix this. She was totally aware now that she was far more co-dependant than she ever would have liked or admitted. Like, scary levels of it. She'd never known before, but what they'd been through in the zombie outbreak? They'd both latched on and obviously never let go.
He sighed, wishing she wasn't right. He let his hand fall away before it was less a reassurance and more a romantic gesture. If he'd known she was trying to figure out how to fix this he would have told her not to waste her time. He'd spent literally hours trying to figure it out and the only thing he'd come up with was to avoid her and close moments like this as best he could. Except it was killing both of them. He momentarily wondered if he was partly to blame for she and Ben not working. If his spoiling her happy that evening and adding the idea that he was going to move had shifted her feelings for Ben somehow. He hoped not. He wanted her to be happy more than anything.
Eily was silent for a few long moments, staying where she was before she sat up. "What can possibly be worse than this, Loch?" she asked. "Honestly? I can't think of anything. Besides, like, you found out you're dying, or something and you're trying to spare me pain by causing me different pain, or something, but I'm tapped out. Obviously this sucks just as bad for you as it does for me. You look....you look broken right now, and I hate that, and if I looked in a mirror I'm pretty sure I wouldn't like what I saw. I feel pretty broken right now." She squeezed his shoulder. “So please, look at me, and tell me what’s worse than this.”
"Eily," he said, quietly. "If I were dying, I'd tell you because I would want you with me every step of the way to keep me from freaking out about it. And because you give good massages." He attempted a small joke, his hint of a smile wobbly at best. He opened his eyes and he looked up at her. "I can't. It's eating me alive and I can't tell you. There isn't any way that you can figure out a solution to this one for me like you usually do." He paused a moment and sat up as well but he turned so he leaned backward against the bar with his elbows as though he needed the support. Part of him wanted to just break down and tell her, get it out in the open, and find a way around it but it felt impossible. It made him feel dirty and he couldn't imagine it not having the same effect on her.
Eily took the opportunity to move behind him properly, and continue the back rub, since he mentioned them. And because it was sort of all she could do. "Can you tell me generalities? Anything? Are you keeping a secret for someone else? Are you in trouble? Danger? Is someone threatening you, or anyone else?" she rattled off, now digging into cheesy movie plots for answers. If all else failed, go with the fantastic, right?
Lochlan relaxed some a she continued to massage, turning his back more toward her on his stool. Generalities? He'd told Lily in generalities and Fiona too. But he hadn't previously been avoiding them as the object of his inappropriate affection. If he even gave her a clue she'd guess. He knew it because it felt so damned obvious to him. Like it was a neon sign above his head. "No, no. None of that." He would have told her about any and all of that. He'd have told Patrick. They would have teamed up and taken care of it O'Reilly style. "No, it's nothing that you'd think of in a million years." At least, he hoped not.
Letting out a frustrated growl, Eily hugged him tight from where she sat, knocking her head against his. "This is stupid! Nothing you have to say is going to be as terrible as you're thinking it is! Or this!" She was quiet a second, giving him a squeeze. "I need you, okay, dumbass? I can be miss level headed responsibility because I have you. Because you come by and remember to make me laugh, and smile, and have fun. Cuz you have my back, no matter what. Only, now you don't, and it's fucking dumb and I don't accept it!" she said. Yeah, she was drunk, but she was in fact resorting to gradeschool tactics. "It's not fair, and I don't like it and it can't happen cuz I say so!"
Lochlan had a moment of clarity or maybe just sobriety. He looked her directly in the eyes and said evenly, "Eily, what's going on with me? It would ruin our family if I told you." He'd chosen his words carefully because he was so paranoid that he was going to drop some kind of hint and she'd catch on. The fact they were so codependent had obviously masked some of what he felt to the point that she couldn't pick up on it just by his behavior. "I don't want that and I know that you always find a way of making me spit out my problems so we can work on them which is kind of why I haven't been around." Which was mostly a lie that he knew she'd probably see through so he charged on. "And dammit, I want this not to be happening but it is and I can't do anything about it and it hurts that I'm hurting you because that's the last thing I ever want. Hell, I'd rather be dying." If he hadn't been so upset about this he would have definitely laughed at her tantrum-y statement but there wasn't anything funny right now even though he wished more than anything that there was.
She watched his eyes as he spoke, and she just couldn't get it. She had a block there, and it was chock full of love and denial. And even drunk she saw through the lie there. "That is bullshit. All if it is bullshit. There is nothing you can say that would possibly ruin our family, and don't you ever ever ever say you'd rather be dying. And you aren't not being around because I make you talk like I'm some expert waterboarder." Then she blinked, and sat up straighter, staring. "You aren't avoiding me because of that." she repeated herself. Which, she realized, she'd been kind of assuming. But hearing him lie there, that had clicked it in place.
Lochlan looked stricken, the blood draining from his face when he saw the expression on hers. Why couldn't she just let things go? he wondered frantically. If she didn't already realize she was going to soon enough. He'd been too stupid to stay here. To lull himself with alcohol and allowing her to rub his shoulders. He hook his head and stood up. He wasn't going to lie but he wasn't going to say anymore. "I'm going. I'll let someone know you're here so they can make sure you get home safe." He shifted then, into the wolf, distancing himself from the man almost completely because he was not at all able to face this.
"What?! No!" Eily cried, immediately hopping down from the bar, but her reflexes this time didn't actually save her and she dumped herself onto the floor. "Please don't do this, Loch. Don't...leave me." she said, looking at the floor. That was what she really meant with all of it. She didn't want him to leave, and that was what he was doing, on pretty much all levels. And obviously she couldn't handle it. She was a wreck. And now actively crying, because that totally just broke the well.
The wolf saw her, recognized her. Felt the tugs of the man's mortification and the active desire to catch her before she fell. He whined, unsure. Lochlan was definitely hiding. He couldn't do this, he couldn't be here with her but the wolf could and the wolf could even perhaps provide her some comfort for a little while. The wolf took a hesitant step toward her, nosing at her hand. He whined again, feeling the pain both internal and external. Confused.
She immediately clung to him, buring her face in the fur at his neck, and she completely let loose. The flood gates were open, and she just cried. Hard, wracking sobs, anguish in every one. Everything was falling apart, and she couldn't hold it together anymore. Not without her support system, and obviously, he just wasn't there. Even if he was still in the room. It felt like she was being crushed under a weight, like the air had been sucked out of the room.
The man felt such regret that it felt like a surge of pain. The wolf whined again at this. He let himself be held, felt her tears wet his fur and felt both helpless himself and the helplessness the man felt. This far away from his human self, Lochlan was mostly raw emotion and the poor wolf suffered almost as much as Eily was. After a few moments, in spite of the man's decision to push far away, the wolf had had enough of this and shifted, spitting the man back out. When he realized where he was, Lochlan almost cussed but he stayed put, close to her.
Even if he shifted, Eily still kept clinging, still just breaking down. What she'd said to Darcy about her life not being all it was cracked up to be had been true. There was a lot of pressure in being Eily O'Reilly. She just didn't usually feel it like that, because she had everything set up just fine. So when the foundation cracked, it all cracked. Like she did know she was drinking too much. She did know she was withdrawing into herself even more, and she wasn't feeling like being social. Looking for love or anything else. It was a little like she'd bottled up everything during the invasion, and it was finding cracks to burst out of now, far too late.
Lochlan put his arms around her, pulled her close. He couldn't avoid this. He'd caused this. And as much of a coward as he was, he loved her. It was breaking his heart to hear her crying like this. To feel responsible for it. Because he couldn't control his own heart. Of all the stupid things. Of all the stupid, idiotic reasons to come between them. "Eily," he whispered after a long moment of only hearing her sobs, his emotions almost as raw as they'd been a moment ago when he'd hid inside his werewolf state. Misery saturating the whisper so that it cracked when he said her name again. "Fuck, Eily, I'm so sorry."
She kept crying, trying to gasp in enough breath to answer. She finally was able to, and her voice seemed rougher than it had ever been. "Don't be sorry, just don't do this!" She balled her fist and knocked it against his chest, pulling back just enough to look him in the eyes.
He felt her fist, it pushed the air out of him. Or maybe that was his despair. This had been eating at him, consuming him for long enough that he felt thin, hollow as a reed and ready to break. Maybe it would be a relief to just tell her. Just be done with it. He could go to the farthest end of the dome and live in the woods and never come back unless the doors opened. Then he could leave. Maybe it would be a kindness to do it when she was already so bereft, let her grieve and move on. She'd forget him in time, right? That was bullshit and he knew it. He'd never forget her. He didn't move, the threatening burn of tears in his eyes again. "I don't know how, Eily."
She hated seeing that he was just a reflection of her then. Because that was just so obvious. Which made this make so much less sense, and all the crueler. "I can't--I just--I can't," she tripped over her words, not even sure how to say what she needed to. Or, she already had, she supposed. She couldn't do this without him. Life just wasn't what it was meant to be, her iron fortitude against the world apparently melted at this. She hated feeling so weak, so stupid, so helpless. And knowing that he did too.
He frowned, confused. "What can't you?" he asked, feeling like he should know what she meant but he'd been so caught up in himself and his problem that he hadn't realized she was anywhere close to this kind of break down. He felt immediately like a self-centered asshole and he inwardly cringed at how the must have felt for her. How all of this must have felt for her. Suddenly loving her the way he did felt like a cancer. It had made him her antithesis. He wasn't compassionate. He wasn't tenderhearted. And he was as weak as it got. He hated himself then.
"Do this. I'm okay, because I have you. Ever since the zombies, that's how I worked. I just...I had you. So whatever happened, no matter who was lost, what horrible shit we saw, no matter how big the hoard standing between me and the family, you were there with me. You didn't let me crack, and I didn't let you crack, and if either one of us showed signs, we kicked the darkness back. That was how it was. And I guess...I didn't even realize how much that still applied, because you always are around, you always come back, but now? You're actually leaving. You even told me. And tried to leave now, even in the middle of this, and you didn't even know what happened with Ben til today, and I don't see you and I know you're avoiding me and everything feels broken, Lochlan!" she cried. "I feel broken! And I know that makes me dangerously crazy and codependent like I need a million years of therapy, and I'm sorry that I laid it all on you, and I feel so nuts right now, like...like maybe you're just trying to get out from under me, y'know? Maybe you're just trying to go off and have your own damn life, just like Darcy wants, and people should have that, and I'm the insane bitch who can't let go." She did feel insane then, it all twisting in down around her.
Lochlan bit the insides of his cheeks so painfully as she spoke. She was describing herself as he saw her and the reason why he could never seem to find a woman he wanted to be with forever. Even Lily. Lovely Lily whom he hadn't known long but had snuggled her way into his heart. She wasn't Eily. They didn't have that history, that bond or connection. He knew the reason he held off so much on sex with Lily in that moment. Because he was sure Eily was his lifemate. Everything they'd been through had set it up that way and he was in love with her. So much it was tearing them apart. "I'm sorry about Ben," he said genuinely, pulling back a bit to look at her. "That was my fault, right? I made you feel stupid about him that night I said I was moving. I'm sorry. I should never have added that in there. But I'm not like Darcy. And I'm not looking to find a way out from under you. Not in a million lifetimes would I feel that way about you. You've been my lifeline, you've kept my feet on the ground, and you've kept me from giving up. You're my best friend. The one … the one person I know won't ever give up on me."
She looked confused, and rubbed at her face, trying to get the tears off. "No, god, Loch, no. The Ben thing wasn't about you." She didn't think. Or at least it hadn't been for the reason he thought it was. She didn't know. She stood by the reason she'd told him before. He hadn't had that spark she was looking for...but seemed kind of impossible to find. "And you know I won't. Why are you giving up on me?" She hadn't intended to say that, but it slipped out there. And she realized that was exactly what it felt like.
He felt relief at hearing her say he wasn't at fault but he didn't feel that was true. Not that she was lying but he felt that responsibility fell on his shoulders. She'd been so happy when she'd showed him the hairpin Ben had given her. She'd been either drunk or lovestruck. He'd never know which because he'd been so caught up in jealousy and needing to avoid her. "I'm not… I'm not… giving up on you. I'm not," he said, trying to convince himself that was true. He looked at her a moment, his mouth starting to draw toward hers but he stopped himself, resting his head on her shoulder instead.