John James Searle (inneedofrepair) wrote in the_colony, @ 2011-01-05 21:39:00 |
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Entry tags: | ^ week 24, jacklyn baker, john james searle, | jack and searle |
Week 24 - Saturday
Characters: Jack and Searle.
Location: Farmhouse, by the front door.
Summary: Searle decides he needs to end make out time with Jack, and it doesn’t go well.
Rating: PG
One of the first things Searle thought of after he opened his eyes that morning was his talk with Jed the night before. During that conversation, as short as it had been, Searle had decided to talk to Jack about what they were doing and, ultimately, put an end to it. He didn’t really want to, but at the same time Searle knew that if Bridget looked at him twice he would be all over that - all over her - and that wasn’t fair to Jack.
In fact, after talking to Tom, Alice and Jed about the whole situation, Searle was pretty sure the situation was already unfair to Jack. He was being selfish, no matter what age she was, no matter how much she meant to him - it wasn’t right. It wasn’t Christian, either. It was going to be hard, though, to put an end to it. Juss do it nice, Jed had told him, but would that really matter?
A sore spot formed in Searle’s chest as he went about his morning routine, and he knew he was going to have to talk to Jack as soon as possible. So, it was a good thing when he spotted her approaching the farmhouse with Bosie after he’d gotten himself breakfast. Searle raced for the door while still chewing his last bite, and opened it before Jack got there.
She smiled, looking surprised but pleased to see him there. “Hi. Looking good. You forget to brush your hair again?” Jack said, laughing a little and reaching up to push her hand through it. Searle smiled, stepping away from Jack’s hand.
“I didn’t forget, I didn’t on purpose,” he said. “Get in, it’s kinda cold.” Too cold for him to be standing in a t-shirt by the door, anyway.
Jack came inside and Bosie ran off somewhere inside in the house. “That whole bird’s nest thing works for you,” she teased.
“You’re just saying that,” Searle teased back, though he knew he had to fight against the amiable atmosphere.
“Hey, uh, Jack.” It was an abrupt switch, but he pushed through the awkwardness. “I talked to Jed last night.”
She winced in sympathy. “I’m sorry, was it awful? He hasn’t said anything to me yet but you’re still in one piece so he didn’t try to kill you. That’s good, right? And now we don’t have to worry anymore.”
“He said if I hurt you he’d hurt me, but otherwise it wasn’t bad.” Searle nodded. “I was nervous for nothing. But,” he said, pausing for a moment, “it made me realize something, too. I think, maybe, I’m hurting you already.”
Jack frowned. “What are you talking about? No, you’re not.”
“When you kissed me, I kind of took advantage of it.” Unable to look at Jack as he admitted that, Searle looked down the hallway. “I liked it, and I still do, but you know what happened between Jed and Alice. They were best friends and look what dating did to them.”
She stilled, suddenly aware that something bad was happening but not sure how or why. “But I kissed you. It was my idea. How can you be taking advantage of anything if it was my idea? I mean, come on, I’m smart enough not to end up like Alice.”
“What happened isn’t about being smart or dumb, Jack.” It was easy to come up with that in defense of Alice, but Searle still shrugged. “I don’t know exactly what it was, but when people get closer than friends stuff changes. I didn’t want to think that before because it would mess everything up, but I don’t think I should ignore it anymore. I don’t want anything to happen between us that makes us stop being friends.”
“It won’t.” Why was he saying this? Didn’t Searle like her? He said he liked kissing so why did he want to stop, why was he talking about taking advantage of her? Jack fumbled, reaching into her back pocket for his parents’ IDs. She never went anywhere without them. “I have these. That means we don’t ever stop being friends. Not ever. Nothing has to change.”
The IDs stopped Searle in his tracks. Just looking at them made his heart clench with longing for his parents, but he was also touched Jack carried them around. Searle didn’t bring Jack’s father’s cap around everywhere with him for obvious reasons (he didn’t want to get it dirty, ruined or lost) and he wasn’t sure if Jack would appreciate him wearing it, but their pact with each other meant the world to him all the same. It was then that he knew he couldn’t dance around the core reason he was bringing this all up to Jack. She was too good of a friend for him to be less than completely truthful to her.
“Jack,” he said, staring hard at the ground, “I like Bridget. I’ve had a crush on her for a really long time. When you kissed me I thought we could be friends with benefits. A lot of people are, right? But I don’t think I can do it anymore. After thinking a lot about it, it feels wrong.”
Jack felt suddenly hollow, like everything inside of her drained out and she was just this Jack-shaped empty thing. Funny, she’d just swore to Tom that Searle could never hurt her and now everything that didn’t feel like blank space hurt. Searle liked Bridget. Not her. Bridget. Bridget who was impossibly pretty, so much more than Jack could ever hope to be.
“But she’s so old. And pregnant!” Jack was dangerously close to tears and fought hard against them. Searle, who would never hurt her and had never tried to get rid of her was rejecting her. Friends with benefits? Who even did that? “You said I was pretty. I thought - I thought you liked me.”
“You are pretty! I do like you!” It was as if Jack was talking too quickly, or jumping topics without a connecting thread. Searle’s mind was reeling, grasping for anything that could give him a clue of what to say or do. He didn’t feel at all like he was being nice as Jed had instructed, nor did he feel as though he were getting his point across the way he wanted to. Jack being upset was probably inevitable, but somehow their friendship should be strong enough to make it all better. Right? … Okay, no.
“We decided we were going to stay friends. I thought you understood that, but then you got all mad over Nevaeh. It was stupid, this whole thing.” Searle sighed. “You’re still my best friend. I still never want to leave you. Liking Bridget doesn’t matter.”
The hurt magnified, building up on itself. Searle thought this was stupid. Kissing her was stupid. Acting like he liked her was stupid. She was stupid. Just a stupid little girl with a stupid little crush. Jack thought it was a given that Searle liked her as much as she liked him, that that was what the kissing and him telling her she was pretty meant. At the time, she hadn’t cared they weren’t using terms like boyfriend and girlfriend because if they both knew what they were, they didn’t have to talk about it. Stupid. Searle was here telling her that even if he didn’t like Bridget, he still wouldn’t like her.
Jack’s grip around the plastic IDs tightened but she didn’t move besides that. Still silent, she blinked hard and the tears she’d been holding back finally fell.
“Jack,” Searle said, but beyond that he was speechless. Should he hug her or would she just push him away? Did she hate him? Watching the tears splash onto her cheeks was like a stab to the heart, and the knot in his chest just held the pain there.
Jack didn’t want to talk about this anymore and she definitely didn’t want to stand here looking at Searle. “I - I have to go.” Jack didn’t wait for answer; she just rushed past him and fled. Searle watched her go, standing in place. He didn’t move for what felt like a long time.