Thaneros Online Magazine

Catacombs (2007)
Lionsgate Films / Twisted Pictures
Tomm Coker, David Elliot - Directors

Having read several poor reviews of Catacombs prior to viewing the movie, I had few hopes. By the end, I wondered if those reviewers and I had watched the same film.

Catacombs sets itself up as a typical slasher-flick, albeit without the gratuitous teenage T & A. Its monster and his origins are easily as laughable as those of a certain killer in a hockey mask or a particular mass-murderer with fingers for knives. In this, and in regards to the quality of the minor characters' acting ability, Catacombs rates little better than any other in its genre. Refreshingly, however, the encounter with the beast which haunts the Paris underground acts merely as the catalyst which pushes Victoria--brilliantly played by Shannyn Sossamon--into the film's true horror: being trapped in the endless dark of the tunnels themselves. Much of the action is conveyed in jerky snatches of light, cleverly recreating the claustrophobic setting.

Given that this film was created by the makers of Saw, a twist ending was par for the course. Unlike most twist endings, what I guessed in advance with Catacombs was but the tip of the iceberg in terms of the final revelation. I was genuinely transfixed to the very moment the credits began to play, unable to look away until the full scope of Catacombs' terror had played out.

All in all, this was an excellent film, with a rich soundtrack to boot. Four and a half out of five stars.

The Deaths of Ian Stone [2007]
Director: Dario Piana
Studio: SWFX
Rating: 4 out of 5 Stars

Having read the jacket for this movie, I thought it would be the horror genre's version of Groundhog Day. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be more than that.

Welcome to Ian Stone's horrible, no good, very bad day. From early on in the film, he is on the run from a variety of nasty people, people that may in fact not be human at all. When they catch him--and they do, repeatedly--they don't simply kill him. They brutally and creatively murder him over and over again. Every day at the same time, he finds himself in a new life, the only constants a girl named Jenny and a mysterious drifter, and every day he dies in increasingly terrible ways.

As a movie, this one was entertaining. There may have been some holes, like whether or not hockey is even played in Britain, but they can easily be overlooked. The creature effects were not stunning, but their design was fresh enough to arouse and maintain interest. Their flowing silkiness was a nice touch. The story moved at a quick pace, ending on a note that my partner thought cheesy but I thought appropriate.

This one is a solid time waster, more than that worth the watch. Four out of five stars.

Stephen King's The Mist [2008]
Director: Frank Darabont
Studio: Genius Products (TVN)
Rating: 3 1/2 out of 5 Stars

Monsters aggravate me, in the plural sense. Throw a lone vampire my way, and I'll eagerly follow his story. Small packs of werewolves have also been known to intrigue. Still, when the creatures start coming in hoards, I grow cold no matter how impressive they are or how terrifying their kills might be. Repeated exposure generates boredom not fear, and a climax that depends on something too big or too strange to be believed always leaves me thinking one thing: "Aw man! It's just a giant praying mantis!"

That bias taken into consideration, The Mist was an unavoidable, if well-acted letdown. The slow disintegration of artist and father David Drayton ensured I will look up more of Thomas Jane's acting in the future, and the return of Laurie Holden of Silent Hill fame was a treat. She, like everyone else in the film, gave a solid and compelling performance, her work hampered only by the occasional heavy handling of stereotypes in the script.

In a tale of man slipping back into savagery, stereotypes are a necessarily evil given that we must believe this could happen to the people we see every day. That said, characters that can be summed up with labels like "the dumb hick" or "the crazy bible thumper" make it impossible for viewers to connect on a deeper level. This distance further softened the horror, in my opinion, and left The Mist 3.5 out of five stars.


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Snoop Dogg's Hood of Horror [2006]
Director: Stacy Title
Producer: Ted Chung
Studio: Snoopadelic Films Inc.
Rating: 3 1/2 of 5 stars

Let's be realistic--I didn't go into watching this movie with high hopes. I purely wanted to see it because it was the last movie in the 8 Films to Die For series.

In Hood of Horror, Snoop plays an urban Crypt Keeper, narrating three short stories set in the inner city. Tattoos from the devil, Vietnam veterans getting revenge on a slumlord, and a rising rap star who takes his nickname a bit too literally all make an appearance, with the idea that Snoop must collect a certain number of souls tying the tales together.

The film is typical fare, really, and hindered by a over the top acting, but still serves as a great tribute to the era of televised short horror skits. Each story lasts just long enough to keep the viewer interested, while including a decent amount of gore and creep. If you're looking for a fun, no-thought-required movie, this is the one for you.

Zombie Honeymoon [2004]
Director: David Gebroe
Producer: David Gebroe
Studios: Hooligan Pictures, Sky Whispers Production LLC, Glass Eye Pix
Rating: 5/5 Brilliant!

In the good old days, it took a whole 24 hours for your husband to become a zombie. Recent films milk quick transformations for extra drama and hurk factor. Zombie Honeymoon goes in the opposite direction, dragging out Danny's change over one brutal week. Add to that the devotion of his new wife, Denise, and you can forget about Shaun of the Dead.

A low budget hampers most of its special effects, but that hardly matters. This isn't your typical horror movie in the conventional sense. This is a zombie romance.

Zombie Honeymoon is the best B grade movie in a long time. It deserves every one of its five stars.



Perfume: Story of A Murderer [2006]
Director: Tom Tykwer
Producer: Bernd Eichinger
Studio: Constantin Film Produktion
Rating: 5/5 - Brilliant!

Ben Whishaw stars as Jean-Baptiste Grenouille, an orphan peasant with the world's greatest sense of smell. After a brutal childhood, he is sold to a tannery.
During a trip to the local market place, Grenouille develops a strange obsession. When a failed romantic encounter leads to the strangulation of a young woman, he dedicates his life to the arts of perfuming and distilling in the hopes of recapturing her scent. His quest for the final, perfect ingredient plucks more than the flowers of Grasse, the perfume capital of the world. It plucks girls from streets and parlors alike.
Perfume combines gritty realism with magical sequences into a fascinating narrative. The director sets the mood so vividly that the scents portrayed seem real. This movie is truly a feast for all your senses.

Halloween (2007)
Director: Rob Zombie
Producer: Malek Akkad & Rob Zombie
Studio: Weinstein Company
Rating: 4 out of 5 stars

In recent years, studio after studio have tried put a modern spin on classic horror films. Rarely have they pulled it off and, even if they had, many fans believe fixing something that isn't broken is unoriginal and absurd. In most cases, I would agree. However, Halloween done Rob-Zombie-style is anything but.

With Zombie at the helm, we get to see the man behind the mask. Better yet, we get to see the boy, watching as an abused child grows into the monster who terrified us at both slumber parties and in movie theaters. Step by step, we get to see his mind devolve. Frustration leads to killing small animals first. It is, as we all know, only the beginning of Michael Meyers' dark journey, but it is the journey itself that makes this movie so enjoyable.

Daeg Faerch is brilliant as young Michael, his creepiness rising with each transgression. When he finally snaps, the viewer is ready, but still horrified. Filled with jerky camera cuts and odd angles, Rob Zombie's Halloween does not fail to live up to its older siblings. Definitely a must see.