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Tweak says, "It's for my prince."

tough_tonks (tough_tonks) wrote in strugglewithin,
@ 2008-11-17 16:33:00

Entry tags:

august 1997, fred weasley, nymphadora lupin, remus lupin

RP: Back Room Whispers...
Date: 17 August 1007
Characters: Nymphadora Lupin, Order Members, Any Intruders?
Location: The Hog's Head Tavern
Status: Open
Summary: There is an impromptu Order Meeting, though it might be intruded upon! Anyone is welcome to join, just figure a way into the scene.
Completion: Incomplete

The night was hot and dank, fog lying low over the land as the rain of the afternoon cooled the place just enough to produce low lying condensation. It produced an even more ephemeral quality around the Hog's Head Tavern, which was a shadowed place on the best of days. Tonks liked it that way. It felt strangely safe hiding in the fog and shadows. No suspicious eyes could stare across the room in a place like this.

So, instead of going home from the office, she took a turn up the lane and straight into the tavern. She gave a silent nod in Aberforth's direction, already beginning to peel off her Auror's robes from the sticky heat that kept them clinging to her skin. She headed straight for one of the farthest tables in the back corner, clear of any other patrons. If any of the Order or friendlies showed tonight there was room for them to join her, but otherwise she could hide and be left at peace.

The next piece of clothing to come off was her over shirt. A button down, collared, dressy thing, it actually gave her a strange air of professionality at work. She tried to live up to her status, even if she was a bit of an untamed spark, she had grown into the position of Auror. And with that growth came collared shirts, especially for the new ministry. However now she removed it, leaving it just in her sweat-soaked undershirt. She tossed both dress shirt and robe across the chair next to her and finally collapsed down into a seat.

"Wotcher, Aberforth. I'll just have a tea and whatever food ya have be there that's drippin' in grease. Thanks." She flashed him her smile, even if it didn't quite reach her eyes. She then let her head sink to the table for a moment, leaning there, just breathing. At least the day was over.</t>

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tough_tonks
2008-11-18 02:22 pm UTC (link)

Tonks watched him coldly. She wished she could hate him, it'd be easier. She wished all she could feel for him any more was anger. Then she could just tell him to go away and get on with her life. But she couldn't. Even as his shabby form crossed the bar to her, she felt that all too familiar pang of love well in her throat. She forced herself to swallow back against it. She would not show too much emotion, too much weakness. She was a strong woman, alone or with the man she loved. She had to be -- for their child.

"Why ask? You don't listen to anything else I say." Tonks' voice practically growled out, though there was a heavy huskiness to it that said she wanted to say more. Wanted to hug him, kiss him, give into the tears she felt fighting behind her temples. She didn't, though. She also didn't tell him to go away. He was more than welcome to join her. Maybe they could work something out.

So she didn't move. She waited for him to sit or leave. Her eyes never left his handsome, tired gaze. She did her best to steel her heart against every emotion that threatened to come rushing through, but her expression tightened, just a bit. She couldn't entirely hide the pain in her eyes no matter how she tried.

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lunaraffliction
2008-11-18 03:59 pm UTC (link)

"Dora," he said, trying to steady the waiver in his voice. "I--"

What could he say? That he was sorry? Or wrong? He was probably both, and yet he couldn't bring himself to say it aloud.

His fingers wrapped around his whiskey glass tightly and he sank into the chair across from her. He was a right tosser, he could tell by the set of her jaw, but before he left for the night, and to disappear for the next few nights, he had to know a few things.

"Are you..." he began, and then cleared his throat. "How are you?"

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tough_tonks
2008-11-18 05:11 pm UTC (link)

Tonks let him finished. She gave him all the time in the world he needed. All she did was slip her fingertips around her mug of tea and bring it to her lips, taking a quiet sip of the stuff even as her hard blue eyes never left him across the rim of the cup. She wanted to stare at him in anger as much as she never wanted to look away from the face she loved. It was a strangely, strongly conflicted place to be.

Finally, once the words were out, she smirked and allowed her eyes to fall away. "Oh, lovely. Just bloody lovely. Work's turned into a game of doing my job as -badly- as possible without anyone noticing, I haven't cleaned the house a day since you left, and anything that smells even the least of fish sends me running to the loo. Really, it's been a fantastic week." But, she tried to keep her voice strong. Even if she was falling apart at the edges, she couldn't let it show. All he would do was think her weak if she couldn't live without him -- even if she really couldn't.

She took another sip of her tea before settling it back down on the table, still not looking back to him. Looking anywhere in the room -but- him.

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lunaraffliction
2008-11-18 06:46 pm UTC (link)

The muscles in Remus's jaw twitched as she described how she was doing. He had absolutely no idea what to say about the state of their--no, her flat, and was at even more of a loss as to what to say about her pregnancy. He wanted to ask if she'd been staying with her parents, but something told him that she hadn't.

Lamely, he decided to stick with something he trusted himself to talk about: Order business.

"About Harry?" he asked, and then lowered his voice further. "I don't know if you heard, Tonks, but I talked to him. He's at Grimmauld. Or rather, he was." He noticed that she wasn't looking at him, and fixed his attention on a nick in the table's wood. Things were quiet for another few seconds before he spoke up again.

"I've been followed for the past two weeks. I suspected they were watching me, before--" He drifted off, not wanting to bring it up. "Before. You need to be careful when you're out, Dora. They'll be following you, too. Things are getting worse, particularly with the Muggle-born Registration Commission. The Ministry isn't safe."

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tough_tonks
2008-11-18 06:58 pm UTC (link)

Tonks kept herself cold and emotionless until he brought up the matter of Harry. Her eyes shot wide and she brought one hand up, cutting him off before he could get out the statement 'Grimmauld'. She refused to listen or to let him speak the rest of that sentence. "No! Don't. Don't, Remus. Don't tell me. Don't tell me ever. I don't want to know. The ministry has assigned myself and my partner to try and locate Harry. They say it's just for questioning, but I am not stupid, I know they're gonna arrest him. Don't tell me. What if they give me Vertiserum? I can't know."

Her eyes shined with a fiercely protective sort of passion on this matter. She was doing everything possible to NOT learn about Harry's location and he nearly blurted it out then and there. She took in a shaky breath and nodded, allowing him to continue his concerned words. She smirked after a long moment, rolling her eyes to the ceiling and shaking her head as she looked away from him once more.

"Of course we're being followed. What of it? You always assume they are watching, Remus. It is no large secret that we are ... were... married. So staying away from home... From your -wife-... is not making things any safer, you know." She stared back at him, her eyes suddenly hard, "I know the Ministry isn't safe, Remus. I saw Thicknesse get put in, and Yaxley promoted over my boss. At least I'm still on the inside. I have to stay there. Do what good work I can, as long as they allow me."

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lunaraffliction
2008-11-18 08:43 pm UTC (link)

"Dora," he protested in frustration. "If they give you Veritaserum a lot more will be at stake than Harry's location." Still, he understood what she was getting at, and scrubbed a hand over his face. It didn't matter, he had a feeling that Harry wouldn't stay there for long, especially knowing that Remus knew people could get in and out.

"So you should be safe," he said, as patiently as he could. It was difficult, especially with the full moon so close. "And if I can lead them away from you, that's better, isn't it? If they think we're no longer together?" Or knew, rather, but he couldn't bring himself to say it.

"I know you're on the inside," he said, "but what good is that when it's as corrupt as the outside? Moreso, even? You told me yourself that Bellatrix was after you the night we got Harry." His insides twisted a little, just thinking of it. "How long do you think it will take before they try something?"

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tough_tonks
2008-11-18 08:52 pm UTC (link)

Tonks shook her head quietly, trying not to let her hand or frame tremble. She couldn't show fear, no matter how much she felt it. She had to be strong, as an Auror and as a member of the Order. Stronger than ever before. She took in a deep breath and sighed, emotions a touch calmer now that they were discussing work and not the division between them.

"I don't know. Soon, probably. Not necessarily on me, though. Just in general. They are moving fast, putting Thicknesse in, then Yaxley. Passing all this bloody.... Blood legislation. People are scared and they will act while they have the power. Before someone truly rises up to fight them. So it's more important than -ever- that I stay inside. That I get as much information about what is happening, so I can warn the Order when things go wrong. So I can warn... you..."

Tonks fell quiet then, the conversation coming back to the man she loved instead of the safety of work. She couldn't find words any longer, the pain tightening her throat as she reached one hand across the table for him. "Remus... please, come back. We're stronger together. They'll... they'll catch us all in this sometime. I'd rather be happy for what time we have..."

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lunaraffliction
2008-11-18 10:06 pm UTC (link)

He didn't like hearing what she had to say about the Ministry, and wasn't convinced that they wouldn't try something on her. The very thought chilled him to the bone. "Delores Umbridge is heading the Commission," he began. "You know her history regarding the Beast division of the Ministry, and the legislation she's passed." He disliked the woman immensely and trusted her even less. He had absolutely no idea how to broach the question on his mind.

"Dora," he said quietly. "They don't--they don't know, do they? If Umbridge finds out, it won't matter that you're a Half-blood. They won't care whether you're an Auror or not." And who will warn you? he wanted to add.

His face fell as she reached for him, but her words made something inside him twist. He didn't want to hear about her being caught; he couldn't bear to hear her talking like she might die in this. He'd always anticipated that for himself, but not for her. Not for their child.

"Don't say that," he whispered. "Don't talk like we won't--like you won't--" He faltered and took a long sip of whiskey. His throat was so tight it barely trickled down.

"It's the full moon tomorrow," he finally said, once he'd found his voice again. "I can't come back."

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tough_tonks
2008-11-18 10:17 pm UTC (link)

"You could come back after the moon. That never stopped you before. I've known about you since we met. I love you still. I love you -because- of it. Because it makes the man I married, no matter how hard things might be. So don't you -dare- use the moon as an excuse. Period." Tonks almost hisses those last words, a bit more anger finally welling in her again. She can't keep the anger for ever, but at least it's an easier emotion than the pain she feels at his loss.

"And I know my direct boss knows, at least. And Bellatrix. I saw her in the street, the other day. She found out. We had a small fight. So, if they are really looking to crack down on things, then they will find out. It is going to happen whether you are here or gone, so we might as well enjoy our marriage and our lives while we have them, Remus! Don't you see that??" Tonks practically yelled those last words, her emotions getting better of her paranoia.

She abruptly cut herself off as she realized the scene she was making. It was fine in their home, but not in public, even in the bar of someone whom they trusted. She turned her eyes abruptly to the room, looking for anyone who might be evasdropping on the conversation. She hoped she found them to be alone.

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lunaraffliction
2008-11-18 11:08 pm UTC (link)

One hand went to his hair and he raked it away from his face. "It's not an excuse," he told her. "It's...I can't change the moon, or who I am." And no matter how much he loved her, he didn't want to change his mind so soon, either. "You know I love you," he said finally. "But my love won't keep you safe."

He was already upset, but his face steeled when she told him she'd fought Bellatrix - that Bellatrix knew - that her boss knew. What was she thinking?

"What?" His grip tightened around his whiskey glass, knuckles turning white. "How did they find out? You can't go around telling everyone! What were you thinking? Don't you realize what they'll say about the child?"

The more he thought about it - that her safety had been compromised, that it was his fault - the more his blood began to boil. He hadn't left her so that she could act recklessly. He pushed back his chair with a loud scrape. It clattered to the floor as she began to talk like she hadn't much longer to live and he gave her a hard look.

"I'm leaving," he said. "I'd tell you to take care of yourself and act safely, but you won't listen to me anyway." His disappointment - in himself, in the situation, in what he'd done to her - weighed heavily on him, and in the look he gave her. "I suppose I deserve it."

He turned to leave.

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tough_tonks
2008-11-19 10:05 pm UTC (link)

Tonks rolled her eyes as he yelled at her about people knowing and what they might say about the child. She stood as he did, yelling straight back, that anger flaring hot and certain now. "I am not going to hide my husband and my child away in a closet because of what is in his blood! I love you and I don't CARE who knows it!"

Of course, she never did. Half the Order knew before Dumbledore died, even if she tired to hide it back then. Still, he was leaving. No matter what she yelled she couldn't bring him back. She didn't even know what to say in response to his last bitter words. He deserved her foolishness, is that what he was saying? She growled beneath her breath, using every impulse control in her body not to hurl Aberforth's tea cup across the room in Remus' direction.

"Dammit, Remus, don't you dare walk out that door! You come back here, come back to me, we can do this together! It's sure as hell safer than doing it apart!" She finally screamed after him, tears in her eyes and catching at her voice.

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lunaraffliction
2008-11-21 11:39 am UTC (link)

He paused mid-step, shoulders sagging. He loved her so much. Very few people had ever managed to make him feel like she did, even when she was shouting at him angrily. Her passion was just gut-wrenching, and although it was his first impulse to go to her, to wrap her up in his arms and sweep her away to a place where he knew she'd be safe, he couldn't. It wouldn't be right.

Had it been easier with Sirius? Or James and Lily? They'd always been furious over the way he was treated, but James and Lily had been rational in their support, particularly after school. Sirius, like Dora, had been quicker to insist they should fuck public expectations and carry on as they pleased. He'd been more reckless than Dora, but there were certain elements of their personalities that were startlingly similar.

With a sigh, he forced himself to continue walking out the door. This wasn't being cowardly, he told himself. Dora's words resounded in his ears with every step, and he tried to swallow around the huge lump that had formed in his throat, not even allowing himself a glance in Aberforth's direction before leaving the pub.

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