Sex trafficker and notorious serial baby killer Mark Wahlberg and his gang were detained by Queen Steph's army late last night. We are live right now at the public execution.

[Steph drags the man by his ankles through town and up to an alter.]
This is what happens when you cross me. This is what happens when you commit crime in Stepford. The streets will run red with blood until there is order and you will know that I am the law. [She throws his head down and raises an ax.] I am judge. I am jury. [She chops off his head. Blood sprays.] I am executioner.


[His associates are tied up all around on stakes. She clenches her fist and sets them on fire. They all start screaming.]

And you will obey.

[The camera cuts back to Sami]
Long live the Queen. This is Sami Bahar with the special report.

So the Avengers are children but I can assure you this town will not be unprotected. Starting today there will be changes starting with ending all inequalities. That means equal pay for all, equal opportunities for all, and a zero tolerance for discrimination. Anyone who has a problem with that can answer to me.

Your new queen. Any questions?

Dear Stepford, I'm thinking of throwing myself a giant birthday party. Change my mind.

I got a call from the police. They said they found my uncle. They said someone stabbed him to death... I have to go identify the body.

[She's at the coffee shop and the barista calls her sweetheart while asking her order. She grabs him by the collar and stabs him in the heart with a plastic straw for being sexist]
I have a name, douchebag.

Okay it's Icebreaker time. Post your answers below and let's get talking.
1. Name (or nickname)
2. Age
3. Favorite thing to do

I'll go first. I'm Kitty, 22 years old, and I love to party.

Just days after Mayor Thomas's scheduled demolition of the Esmeralda bridge, which resulted in the deaths of several unidentified criminals, stands the new and improved Stark Bridge. The bridge is said to be disaster proof; resistant to earthquakes, harsh winds, rains, and lava to help keep us safe. Along with the bridge's construction, the border wall is nearly complete. Both Mayor Thomas's wife Brenda and his girlfriends Lorraine Hart and Faith Lehane have been spotted patrolling the wall looking for creatures from the woods and asylum seekers from Dark City to kill.

Up next, Stiles "Dungeon Bae" Stilinski has been voted Sexiest Serial Killer of 2019. Who will be his next victim? More on how to raise your chances after a word from our sponsors.

This has been Sami Bahar with the Special Report.

I did it. I started the earthquake that killed those people.

My wife has vanished and left me alone at home with our infant son. I'll be awarding applications to her successor after you ladies submit a questionnaire. If your application is approved, there will be an interview followed by a one-week trial, followed by a three month trial. Please respond to this questionnaire by the end of today.

Questionnaire:

1. What are your hobbies?
2. What is your favorite color?
3. What is your favorite time of the year?
4. Do you like children?
5. Do you have children of your own?
6. How long was your longest relationship?
7. How often do you shower? Do you shower naked? What temperature do you like your water to be?
8. What do you do for a living? Will you be willing to quit this job to become a full time wife?
9. What's your favorite dish to prepare?
10. Do you have housekeeping experience?
11. Are you a virgin? Why or why not?
12. Are you a sexual individual? Explain.
13. On a scale from 1 to 20, how much makeup do you wear daily?
14. Are you independent?
15. Do you believe women should have a say in politics? If so, why?

May the best lady win.

[Ashley shows up in her swimsuit on the beach. She picks up the tablet]
Hello?

How do you know if you like someone as more than a friend?

Could you stay in tonight? I feel like I caught the plague. [She might have made herself intentionally sick so that Rhi wouldn't hang out with Jason tonight]

Well that's one bitch cut off. Who's next?

Movie night?

This guy in my bio seminar was passing around a note for everyone to read today and when I got it, it was some huge long letter about how men are naturally better at science that started, "Now that Ianhalder is in office, maybe it's a sign that we're in a time where we can finally speak honestly about the issues in Stepford higher education without the easily offended whining."

Then it was like two pages of, "I love all people including women but they're just naturally empathetic and nurturing and interested in people not ideas and facts," and "maybe if we made a college track that was part time with easier classes more women could be science majors even though a lot of them probably won't end up in a medical career because it offers a low work-life balance that won't be compatible with motherhood."

I asked him about it after class and he was just like, "It wasn't supposed to be an insult, we all have strengths and weaknesses, I'm sure you're better at baking than me, and that's a kind of science." Kind of tempted to actually invite this guy to watch me try to bake and see what he says then.

I was reading this magazine today and I found this article you might find interesting. I know I did.

1. She turns experimental in bed...hm.

"One of the best indicators of a cheating wife is her behavior in bed. She will either stay away from having sex with you or she might seem to be wanting more of it all of a sudden. She might get very experimental in bed, if she used to be shy and conservative with you earlier."

2. She gives you space.

"The fact that she has started giving you a lot of space suddenly indicates her own desire of having a personal space in which you have no place. A woman who is giving her husband, a lot of space will always expect the same in return to ensure safety while she is cheating on her husband."

3. She's secretive.

"She might also get secretive about her clothes and make up. She will always try to look good and attractive. She might smile secretively while watching TV, because she has been thinking of her lover."

4. She feels no jealousy or anger.

"our inner instincts have already started feeling the insecurity and that made you make your wife feel jealous by praising or talking to another woman. Did this turn out to be futile because she did not feel any jealously or anger? It's a sure sign that your wife is cheating on you."

5. She suddenly becomes doting. Hm.

"She is doing all the household work without asking you for any help, she is watching your favorite football match with you without nagging, she is not yelling at you for any amount of mess you make in the house, instead she is giving you love cards and kisses. These are all the signs that indicate she is making up for her behavior so that you don't find anything suspicious in your relationship with her."


Wow. That's all I can say, like -- damn these signs.

Here I was thinking my wish came true. I got out of Beacon Hills to come to a place where it's the literal worst parts of Beacon Hills concentrated. Carson and Guerra skyscapers and Ianhalder billboards. First posts on the network are 2 women literally crying for help and one apologizing, a guy talking about not being able to cook, and Ianhalder making laws. Even in another dimension I can't escape this shit.