Rufayette Morgenschoss (zeiss_manifold) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2010-10-12 00:33:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | anatomical abominations, delcat, refuge in muppetry, tf is the weirdest fetish, the bad porn roundup, unlimited pregnancy works, zeiss manifold |
THE BAD PORN ROUNDUP - EPISODE 6
ZEISS’S NOTE: College has slowed down the snarking business to be sure, but we do plan to kick back in gear soon. Here’s a good old-fashioned Roundup as an appetizer!
Delcat: Well, readers, I'm going to be straight with you this time: Zeiss and I are bored, so we are torturing each other with horrible porn. This is what we do. I know. I know. Stop crying.
Zeiss Manifold: It is a game of wit, and skill, and of squick.
Delcat: Normally I go in order of least to most painful, but I'm admittedly hard-pressed to rank my selections this time…
Delcat: This is probably the cutest, at least.
Zeiss Manifold: yo dawg i herd you like pregnancy
Zeiss Manifold: She was the child of a man and a matryoshka doll. It was not an easy life.
Delcat: Do you know that meme dates back to 1890, when the folk artist Sergey Malyutin said to his daughter (in Russian of course), "yo dawg I herd you like dolls so I put a series of dolls inside dolls so you can doll while you doll"? Thus was the matryoshka born. And now, 120 years later, the first fetish based on it has been conceived. This is an historic date.
Delcat: Probably my favorite thing here is that the primary blob has somehow managed to stretch her thong (?) to accomodate the literal clusterfuck that her abdomen has become. After this long in the biz, stretching vaginas to the size of manhole covers doesn't faze me, but that shit? That shit has gotta be SPANDEX.
Zeiss Manifold: Japanese nationalists have taken the only joys that Russian children have and are using them for purient purposes! And thus began the worst Tom Clancy novel ever.
Delcat: I must applaud the artist for taking the "In Japan, the age of consent is -9 months" joke three trimesters further.
Zeiss Manifold: And he forgot to put on sunscreen, too!
Zeiss Manifold: I've been trying to figure this one out for the past week. Just what *is* the erotic appeal of a diving board?
Delcat: I know I've said this before, but when TF gets to this level, it's honestly beyond me. Turn someone into a dick, fine, that's fucked up but has obvious intent. But this? What can you do with this?
Delcat: "A double jackknife?"
Delcat: *rimshot*
Zeiss Manifold: "Oh baby, now people are going to walk all over me and clean me with bleach once a month. I'm gonna cum forever!"
Zeiss Manifold: I'm just gonna take the route I do with all bad TF art and blame it on cartoons. It's a wonder sexual deviancy managed to exist before Tiny Toon Adventures.
Delcat: I can only think that this spawned from a case of incidental masturbation, with the artist clinging to a diving board as a child and getting stimulation from it as it jiggled. Psychology students think of these things, unfortunately.
Delcat: Someday, we're going to find cave drawings depicting a large-chested rabbit squishing Cro-magnons beneath her toes. Just you wait.
Zeiss Manifold: Or a mammoth wrapped in clingfilm.
Delcat: Don't be talkin' smack about Roy Orbison.
Zeiss Manifold: I ain't talkin' smack about Roy Orbison, I'm talking smack about Ogg
Zeiss Manifold: He's also responsible for the "turning into a flint arrowhead" series found in the Altamira caverns.
Delcat: I can only get off to the igneous half of that set.
Delcat: At least we can assume that this is some kind of karmic retribution. Look at those first three panels, this is clearly an aquatic chickenhawk in the making.
Zeiss Manifold: Deviantart is like a dank, dark cave filled with eyeless weeaboo silverfish running around, so it's an odd anthropological parallel
Delcat: If you evolve there, your taste eventually shrivels into a vestigal stamp-shaped blob.
Delcat: Ah...ah...
Delcat: ACHOO
Delcat: *snf* Oh, jeez, sorry, did I get any on you?
Delcat: I must be allergic to abject terror.
Zeiss Manifold: Ovaltine: The REAL Story
Delcat: Because all y'all are probably trying to figure out what the hell is going on here, here's the preceding step in this series. It doesn't explain things, but it does show everything you don't want to see.
Zeiss Manifold: Aww, it's got a bell!
Delcat: To /d/'s credit, at least 80% of the board responded to this set with a loud and collective "DO NOT WANT." The other 20% was shamelessly begging for sauce.
Delcat: Well otherwise they might lose their dear little B-mod lamb out in the wide Pixiv pastures
Delcat: How does it go? "Leave them alone, and they'll come home, wagging their grotesquely enlarged and piercing-studded clitoral growth behind them."
Zeiss Manifold: Man, and judging from the previous pictures, it must have taken time to paint all that. Now it's covered in distilled ambiguogirl fluid.
Delcat: For all the world, it reminds me of this episode of Food Network Challenge where a challenger covered a Christmas tree in delicate edible ornaments, then wrapped the entire thing in opaque edible Saran Wrap so no one could see a dang' thing. Except at least THEN there were things I actually wanted within three square miles of my mouth.
Delcat: As is, my lips are trying to invert themselves for fear I might taste the stench of this thing, or perhaps sprout a dozen nipples on my tongue.
Zeiss Manifold: But then you'll never have to sneak milk out of the cafeteria again! Just think of the convienience!
Delcat: Which is the single most horrifying thing to you? Mine is the fact that there isn't anything holding her lips that way...that we can SEE.
Zeiss Manifold: I think the bellybutton vagina makes it for me.
Delcat: Good choice, good choice.
Zeiss Manifold: And now for something less horrifying: This is from the same guy who did the blobfish pic from a few roundups back. I had trouble picking just one of his works to feature here, though, so I'm going back to the well.
Zeiss Manifold: It's the nuts that made me choose it. "YEAH I'M JUST GONNA EAT SOME NUTS FOR NO REASON EXCEPT THEY'RE ALREADY IN THIS PICTURE AND GOOGLE IMAGE SEARCH HAS NEVER FAILED ME YET"
Zeiss Manifold: The whole tickling scene is a veritable mine of roundup material, I gotta do a themed run some time.
Delcat: Why Zeiss, how did you know what my next theme folder was going to be?
Zeiss Manifold: The tragedy of the tickling fetish is that it is absolutely IMPOSSIBLE to sound badass about tickling someone, but that never stopped any of ‘em. I mean, if you’re into whips and wax and fire and whatnot you make something out of it, but tickling…
Zeiss Manifold: And they're all into Rush for some reason.
Delcat: I know, right? You just want to pat them on the head and send them on their way and get back to shoving the 18-inch studded horse dildo up your boyfriend's urethra, or whatever actual perverted thing you're into.
Zeiss Manifold: It's like...the German word is "kitzeln" for God's sakes, and when your fetish doesn't even sound threatening in German, you have to take a hint.
Delcat: On the other hand, is that a ring or a corn on that toe? I think once you start specifically picking out feet with bunions and shit to put in your mouth, you're sliding back into Oh Godville again.
Zeiss Manifold: This was a bad time to step into Bunion Pete's Nutmuppet Warehouse, is all I'm saying.
Delcat: I like that he was apparently very torn about the order here. "Nuts, THEN socks, then...no...feet, torturing, nuts...no! Curses, where's the Monster Book of Monster Etiquette when you need it?"
Zeiss Manifold: Why do you need to embarrass yourself eating feet when you have nuts? This message brought to you by the Nut Council. Nuts: We're swelling up AMERICA'S tongue.
Delcat: Zeiss, are we obligated to make a testicle joke before we move on? Because for once, I feel like this picture skates on its own ball-less merits.
Zeiss Manifold: Depends. How many testes does the next pic have?
Delcat: Just the two, and only one's visible.
Delcat: See?
Zeiss Manifold: And thus, vowing to someday take revenge on ALL fetishes, Quamp entered the world.
Delcat: It's like they took the single most unappealing thing about MPreg and decided that regular pregnancy needed to be that fucked up too.
Delcat: The sheer level of detail on this one makes me think it was a senior art project. I can picture myself walking through the quad back home, cutting through the art building on my way to Algebra, and here this is, life-sized, half-inked, on the wall. Good times.
Zeiss Manifold: Right next to the pony pictures that half the other students did. “Horsie, horsie, horsie…oh.”
Delcat: The intricacy of the folds on the stomach makes me think that someone took some liberties with their Life Drawing class. This is why I will never let creative-types see me naked for money.
Delcat: It almost makes it difficult to snark, though. Even the steaming coil of shit is aesthetically pleasing.
Zeiss Manifold: ...I think I've said all I need to about that last one. Now, to end the Roundup as we began.
Delcat: THE UNIVERSE
Zeiss Manifold: THE UTERUS
Delcat: Zeiss, you dog. Did you run and fetch this special, or are we just ~*SOUL SISTAHS*~?
Zeiss Manifold: Let's just say I have a thing for fractals, and I think this qualifies, in it's own bladderish way
Delcat: The one thing that I don't get is how the cum is making it into the inner wombs. That implies a level of leakage that I don't really want to think about.
Zeiss Manifold: I don't get how it keeps penetrating, myself. Either the guy has incredible aim or his dong is tapering to an infinitely small point.
Delcat: It doesn't help that it has the exact texture of the Greedy Worm from Silent Hill 4, I can tell you that much.
Delcat: This reminds me of the thing from The Little Prince, where the pilot drew a boa constrictor that had swallowed an elephant as a kid, but since adults only saw the outline, they thought it was a hat.
Delcat: Except that the outline of this kind of resembles a KKK hat more than anything else, which is just a different level of unfortunate.
Delcat: And we probably don't want to be going and leaving just the outline anyway, considering the subject matter. "WHO'S THAT POKEMON? IT'S...all good has been sucked from the world."
Zeiss Manifold: 'Cept the author doesn't burn crosses by the looks of it, he burns IUD's.
Delcat42: At least this is going to be an easy birth. If there was a hand on the end of that cock, he could just gently grip the far wall, pull out, and MAZEL TOV
Zeiss Manifold: But he better watch out
Zeiss Manifold: for the Monster at the End of the Womb
Delcat: G...Grover? :<
Delcat: Well, Zeiss, before this snark turns into a Mandelbrot set of vomit, do we have anything to say to the readers?
Zeiss Manifold:
Zeiss Manifold: Specifically, don't run around with matryoshka dolls and muppets
Zeiss Manifold: or diving boards
Delcat: And staple all of your genitalia shut while you have a chance. Goodnight, everybody!