Rufayette Morgenschoss (zeiss_manifold) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2010-07-26 22:35:00 |
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Entry tags: | crush trauma, delcat, fetish fail, forward cowgirl, gnats, not worksafe, quamp, text snark, unfortunate implications, zeiss_manifold |
A SERIES OF QUAMPLETS
A look into some of the spicier works from that most magical of authors.
Delcat: Welcome, bores and grinds! By popular request, we're delving deeper into Quamp's deeply troubled psyche by way of his AFF.net account! Does he practice what he preaches?
Zeiss Manifold: The vast majority of his fics are for crappy moeblob crap fandoms we're unfamiliar with, so we're just going to make like a sane horny person and skip to the good parts. It's a series of Quamplets!
Zeiss Manifold: *That, and in any case you could just ctrl+h the character names with little to no effect in the plot.
Delcat: Mine is about Teddy Roosevelt and Mel Gibson :D
Zeiss Manifold: Mine's a threesome between Kenan, Kel, and another Kel.
Zeiss Manifold: ...If you're acting in a "good touch/bad touch" puppet show, maybe
Delcat: If you needed any further proof of Quamp's kiddy-diddler preoccupations, look no further than his comfort with using that line.
Delcat: no homo
Zeiss Manifold: damn you, beat me to it
Delcat: sorry, you were typing a lot, I figured you were doing some kind of dissertation there
Zeiss Manifold: In an irony, gay people have been observed using moeblobs as bait in the wild, to lure Quamps to their feeding nests.
Zeiss Manifold: Suddenly, Kyon's testicles were irreperably damaged by a combustible wrench
Zeiss Manifold: ...If we're going the playground route here in terms of euphemisms, we might as well go all the way.
Delcat: "Excuse me, I need to take my limbs out for walkies now."
Zeiss Manifold: no homo
Zeiss Manifold: Quamp definitely sounds like he's using these fics as Moe Yourself Straight workbooks here.
Delcat: Freud would be puffing his cigar pointedly if he hadn't fallen asleep four pages ago.
Delcat: also boy howdy there sure is a lot of undressing going on, mmyep
Zeiss Manifold: It's on the damn chart, people
Delcat: This shit is so clinical I swear he has a medfetish.
Delcat: MEDFETISH IS ABOUT SCALPELS AND BANDAGES, QUAMP, NOT CHARTING AND PAPERWORK
Delcat: WHY DO YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING I LOVE
Zeiss Manifold: It was previously thought that Mikuru and Kyon had the hots for each other, but this view changed following the discovery of new fossil specimens at Olduvai Gorge.
Delcat: Feh, I'm pretty sure Quamp is a Young Earth Sexologist anyway.
Zeiss Manifold: Kyon could stick his head through his pelvis, how it delighted the schoolchildren!
Delcat: Now, I will be the first one to say that safe sex is sexy sex. One of my favorite Cid/Vincent fics takes pains to mention them using a condom. However, it also makes it SEXY condom usage, which is never is in a Quampfic. As such, it gets old when he goes out of his way to mention it EVVERY...FUCKING...TIME.
Zeiss Manifold: BUT CHILDREN MIGHT BE READING
Delcat: They're not real people, Quamp, you're not going to have to suddenly change fanfic plans because they have an un-plotted pregnancy!
Delcat: You have the control here! TAKE THE CONTROL!
Zeiss Manifold: The thing that worries me most about kids reading this stuff is that the sexual techniques on display here possess the playfulness and passion of a diabetic clam
Zeiss Manifold: This is going to lead to a whole lot of dissatisfaction, I just know it
Delcat: I dunno, clams are pretty dang' happy.
Zeiss Manifold: is that some sort of exponential thing what is that
Delcat: Dude, it's the Isoceles Lock! I thought that was only for three dudes!
Zeiss Manifold: But that's wrong! I thought sex was supposed to be equilateral for all parties!
Delcat: Oh, Zeiss, you're just being deliberately obtuse.
Delcat: I will say that this is acutely painful and definitely not right, though.
Zeiss Manifold: Wait, what?
Zeiss Manifold: ohhhhhhhhhhhh
Delcat: well thank you for clearing that up sir
Zeiss Manifold: ...in unison. It sounded like a thousand yogurt commercials at once.
Delcat: Triangle Man, Triangle Man
Triangle Man fucks Moeblob Man
They have a fight
But resolve it peacefully because conflict is morally wrong
Triangle Man
Delcat: no homo
Delcat: But who's fucking who? Is it girl on girl on guy, or girl on guy on girl, or what? WHERE DOES IT STOP AND WHERE DOES IT END?
Zeiss Manifold: LIKE A SNAKE FUCKING IT'S OWN TAIL
Delcat: THAT DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION
Delcat: WHAT IF KYON HAS A VERY LONG COCK
Zeiss Manifold: It's just "a guy", Del, it's not specifiied. Could be Pauly Shore for all we know.
Delcat: why why why WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME
Zeiss Manifold: LANGUAGE >(
Delcat: ~Nyuuuuu, bondage is wrong but a man saying "cunt" is fine \(^3^)/
Zeiss Manifold: Well, you know what they say. Straps and flogs can break my pogs, but words will never Quamp me.
Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: thanks for that, Zeiss, it almost stems the blood running from my eyes from the scientific horror
Zeiss Manifold: ...This is one weird speculative future. Isn't Haruhi Suzumiya set in, like, now?
Delcat: ...ZEISS I'M GONNA GET PREGNANT D:
Zeiss Manifold: IT'S EVOLUTION BABY
Delcat: DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE A HIGHER SEX DRIVE THAN AVERAGE BECAUSE OF THE HORMONAL PROBLEMS THAT PROBABLY HAVE MADE ME BARREN
Zeiss Manifold: And then Beavis & Butthead laughed at them from the couch.
Delcat: Ew, their underwear is infested with all kinds of vermin D:
Delcat: THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY MEAN BY "PETTING ZOO" SIR
Zeiss Manifold: THEY'VE GOT CRABS BY NOW
Zeiss Manifold: COCONUT CRABS
Zeiss Manifold: man, i dunno if quamp is trying to be funny here or if he really thinks this shit will cut it or what
Zeiss Manifold: I think Quamp got sent back in time to whenever it was that people were just starting to notice that there were sex stories on the internet
Delcat: and he has NEVER LEFT
Delcat: victrola, man, victrola
Zeiss Manifold: can't help it man, he's stuck
Zeiss Manifold: the timestream is a fickle mistress
Zeiss Manifold: SEE
Delcat: Pulsating? Wait...that's not a trouser snake at all! OH GOD IT'S A TROUSER ZOMBIE SNAIL D:
Zeiss Manifold: well gee howdy
Delcat: boy golly and how-do-you-do, my dance partner is the plumb prettiest at the square dance
Delcat: now SWING YOUR SWINGER
Zeiss Manifold: Look, would someone just tell Waylon Jennings to stop interrupting my porn
Zeiss Manifold: HOW'S THAT KYON BOY GONNA GET OUT OF THIS ONE
Delcat: Sloppily? Possibly with queefing involved?
Delcat: Or maybe it'll be so tight it'll just RIP OFF
Delcat: And there was much rejoicing
Delcat: (monotone) Yaaaaaaaaaay.
Zeiss Manifold: This fic is to threesomes what Chef Boyardee is to spaghetti and/or meatballs.
Delcat: Cold, mealy, and eaten straight out of the can by the terminally alone?
"Great, then it's settled. Both of you get to love me." Haruhi said. They realized that there was no way to talk her out of this….
Zeiss Manifold: Hmm, this reminds me of something...what was it?
Zeiss Manifold: Poland...poledancing...polydactyls…oh yeah, POLYAMORY
Delcat: THIS WILL NEVER LAST
Delcat: which is a good thing because it's putting me to sleep
Zeiss Manifold: AND THEY'LL ALL END UP SAD AND LONELY AND COMMUNISTS
Delcat: Well, Quamp's broken one of his steadfast rules already. I wonder what the next one will bring?
"Well, looks like you're naked now, so your ass is mine!" That's also when the drugs hit. Desert Punk had laced Junko's food and water with a chemical that turned her very horny. Junko held her waist and grimaced in pain.
Zeiss Manifold: "He had made a sex sandwich."
Delcat: So...bondage bad, rape okay?
Zeiss Manifold: also her kimono is made of flour
Delcat: Wow, talk about dry clean only.
Delcat: ...enh? Enh? Get it? :D
Delcat: I was just outside of Tokyo when the drugs hit...
"AH! OH GOD NO!" Junko screamed.
"What's the matter there?" Desert Punk said with a horny smile. "Getting the urge to merge yet?"
"God I want sex now!" Junko said in a combination of fear, panic, and anticipation. "But not with you!"
Delcat: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE QUAMP ROOFIE FIC
Zeiss Manifold: Looks like someone found a tungsten mine. I'M CHEROKEE QUAMP
Delcat: and before you ask, he's pulling chemistry out his ass, I googled it and it doesn't even begin to exist
Delcat: Which is a good thing for all those Starbucks barristas in his area to hear, I'm sure
Zeiss Manifold: Well, at least it's probably for the better that Quamp doesn't know how roofies work.
"Mmm... faster... deeper!" Junko demanded. Desert Punk obeyed for a while, at least.
"God, you're doing it all wrong! You don't have a clue about pleasing a girl, do you?" Junko nagged. She tried to show him how to be better, but he was still very inept at it. She was only aroused by the drugs he had her take. Eventually, Junko gave up on his oral skills.
Zeiss Manifold: Any straight guy would be jealous.
Delcat: Well...they say to write what you know *awesomeface*
Delcat: I don't know if this goes back to the "Write sex so realistic it's boring" thing or if he's really into humiliation.
Zeiss Manifold: T'would explain a lot. Wait, would that mean we're playing right into his hands?
Delcat: No, because remember, no homo
"That's probably because your cock is so small. I knew you couldn't handle a girl like me." Junko replied. Desert Punk was angered by this conclusion.
"Not big enough!? Your pussy is so loose you could store a fucking arsenal in it!" Desert Punk snapped back.
Delcat: OH SNAP
Delcat: NOT A LOOSE PUSSY
Delcat: THAT IS LIKE THE WORST INSULT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD
Delcat: DEFEND YOUR HONOR, MADAM
Zeiss Manifold: Okay NOW it's autobiographical
Delcat: Is that it? Is all Quamp wants love small enough to be thrilled by his unencumbrance of fleshitude?
Zeiss Manifold: "That car crusher was a better fuck than you ever were!"
"Damnit! I can't pull out! Why is this always happening to me?" Desert Punk asked.
"Maybe if you respected women more, we'd respect you back." Junko said between moans.
Delcat: So...the moral of the story is, if a guy tries to rape you, let him shove his fist in your pussy, and it'll serve him right?
Zeiss Manifold: Yep, your vag will do all the comeuppance for you. Wasn't this an issue of Secret Plot?
Delcat: Does he seriously think this is a stand for women's rights? Having a rape victim defeat a man by ENJOYING IT?
Zeiss Manifold: Unfortunately, her vagina was de-dentata'd and she could only gum him to death.
Desert Punk then realized he was sporting a pair of E cup breasts. "What the fuck!? I like touching them, not having them!" He replied. Junko then seized Desert Punk's tits and began manhandling them.
"Let's see how you like having your tits groped!" Junko said.
"Ow! Damn, that hurts! Stop that!" Desert Punk replied.
"You groped me a lot, Desert Punk. I'm not about to stop." Junko replied.
Zeiss Manifold: Wait how did we get from Venus Fisttrap to this
Delcat: TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY AMIRITE
Delcat: Wait...no, no, turnabout is creepy, disturbing, and has unfortunate implications dripping from its every hole.
Delcat: Via like three pages of boring plot that I took the liberty of cutting
Delcat: THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS
Zeiss Manifold: I'm just going to assume that it was an exciting fisting-related car chase
"You Goddamn bitch!!" Desert punk shouted.
"You should have thought about that before you filmed me naked." Junko said as she groped Desert Punk's tits.
"Women were not put here to be your playthings! We are not toys! We are people too!" She did this for more than an hour, causing several bruises on Desert Punk. When he was thoroughly beaten, Junko stopped.
Zeiss Manifold: ~EMPOWERMENT~
Delcat: EMPOWAHING women through making them into evil sadistic rapists, AHU~ \(^3^)/
Delcat: At least, that's what we're running with, folks. The alternative is that being endowed with oversized tits and then having them smacked around while he's told to bend to a woman's will is Quamp's VERY specific fetish, and frankly we don't want to deal with that sans Bahama Mamas.
Zeiss Manifold: Man, this is the dullest TF fic I've ever read. At least give him dicks for ears that cum
-End-
Zeiss Manifold: Rather fatalist for porn here.
Delcat: That's the real sign of a literary genius--a story that ends in even the narrator going "Meh".
Delcat: By the by, this has 1492 hits but no reviews, and has been rated two stars on average. Even AFF.net doesn't like him, and they like EVERYTHING.
Zeiss Manifold: Well yeah. Masturbating to Quamp is like masturbating to Doug.
Delcat: Actually, looking over the star counts, I'm seeing a staggering number of one- and two-starred stories for someone out to ~ENLIGHTEN THE MASSES~ about how to write good fanfiction. It's like a plumber bitching you out about your shower while the toilet spews raw sewage behind him, complete with smell.
Zeiss Manifold: Maybe he's just trying to make the next generation of writers as compellingly dull as he is, thus taking everyone else with him.
Zeiss Manifold: Quamp doesn't get starred, NO ONE gets starred.
Delcat: Well, so far we have polyamory, rape, and...assorted other things, all of which he expressed disapproval of. How can he possibly top the hypocrisy?
Zeiss Manifold: Wheel of Quampality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn!
Delcat: (Why don't you handle the quotes for this one, I'm bad at it D:)
Zeiss Manifold: Sounds like the Japanese dub title of a Beach Boys reunion special.
Zeiss Manifold: oh hello
Delcat: :@ NO QUAMP, THAT'S WRONG
Zeiss Manifold: BUT JUST WHAT KIND OF FEMDOM IS THIS
Zeiss Manifold: THE HALF-ASSED KIND
Delcat: Oh my God, seriously? Is the next paragraph him getting the shit beaten out of him and anally raped? 'Cause I think that's what being that smug to an actual Mistress is code for.
Delcat: NO
Delcat: NO
Delcat: BAD DOM
Zeiss Manifold: This is one pushover Mistress.
Delcat: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG
Zeiss Manifold: Looks like someone's Quamping from the bottom.
Delcat: PUNISH THE NAUGHTY BOY AND TELL HIM TO GO BACK TO HIS CORNER
Delcat: So THIS is why Quamp hates BDSM so much. HE'S TERRIBLE AT IT.
Zeiss Manifold: Conjugating verbs is a bitch down there
Delcat: He kept getting his tongue caught on the edge of the crusher.
Zeiss Manifold: She boned with his moaner in her mouth
Delcat: Noooo, fucking showing PLEASURE at SUCKING COCK?! YOU ARE LOSING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION
Delcat: WHO THE HELL HIRED YOU I AM CALLING THE AGENCY
Delcat: BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP
Delcat: HELLO? HELLO?
Zeiss Manifold: COSTCO HERE
Zeiss Manifold: ASK ABOUT OUR DOM SALE
Delcat: YES I'D LIKE TO REPORT THE MOST USELESS DOMINATRIX IN THE WORLD
Delcat: ALSO WHY IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER FIVE DIGITS, THAT'S FUCKED UP
Delcat: Awww, poor sweet baby, having to have his widdle cock sucked. GET IN THE CAGE AND BARK, BOY
Zeiss Manifold: "Yes, it was a good thing he was buff, muscled, strong, his sweat-glistened shoulder muscles shining like oiled corn husks, his knees - wait. what? Oh yeah, he was fucking a girl. The girl had a snatch."
Delcat: no homo
"You will put this on now." She ordered. Guy did so.
"Now... I get on top." Emi said. She straddled him and the guided his throbbing boner into her snatch.
Zeiss Manifold: SEE
Zeiss Manifold: Y'know, I have a hunch Quamp thinks that BDSM is just when people wear black while having sex, but this is lackluster even by his standards.
Delcat: Quamp...Quamp, Quamp, Quamp. That is NOT what "latex" means in this context, baby doll.
Delcat: I'm reminded of when I was thirteen and thought S&M was a TV channel. You know, Playboy, Spice, S&M.
Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: do
Delcat: do you have
Delcat: some kind of exploding insect fetish now
Delcat: is that what this is about
Delcat: Is she just lined with cockrings inside? Is it like a new form of torture? Are we actually going somewhere with this?
Zeiss Manifold: You know those "Creepy Crawly Insect-Maker" things they used to advertise on Nick all the time? I think he lost his virginity to one.
Delcat: aw man, that makes me feel SO much better about Mom not letting me buy the one I found at a garage sale when I was six D:
Zeiss Manifold: Y'know, I think we should offer Quamp an actual guide on how to include humor in adult writing
Zeiss Manifold: 1) Remove hands from cargo pants while making joke
Zeiss Manifold: 2) Actually give a gnat's ass
Delcat: I think we should give a more general course
Delcat: 1) Remove hands from keyboard
Delcat: 2) Think about what you've done, young man
Zeiss Manifold: Hey Del, I think you WERE on to something!
Delcat: Emi: YOUR BONER SHALL DIE ON THE MORROW
Guy: THAT'S OKAY I KIND OF GATHERED THAT
Delcat: Next time, maybe you should spring for Trojans instead of Durfex.
Zeiss Manifold: 3) Do not attempt prostate stimulation with shaving cream can
Delcat: Man, that shit is in-fect-ed...
Zeiss Manifold: This from a gnat-fucker.
Delcat: The reader, on the other hand, realized that HOLY SHIT GET TO A DOCTOR YOU HAVE FUCKING NERVE DAMAGE
Delcat: Of course she can come from vanilla sex with this random guy, though, 'cause he's ~*special*~ and not an author-insert at all
Delcat: Seriously, how can someone be this promiscuous--and, more importantly, KNOWLEDGABLE--and not have an orgasm even once? Is it possible to think of England that hard?
"I've never had sex with an animal. That's just sick. But I've done a lot with people." Emi said.
Zeiss Manifold: Line readings for Emi provided by Tommy Wisseau.
Zeiss Manifold: "I did nawt fuck that gnat, thaaat is bullshit, I did nawwwt."
Delcat: "Okay, sounds like she won't mind if I spring the donkey punch and follow it up with the Cleveland steamer," Guy thought.
Delcat: So, uh...if bestiality is the only thing she hasn't done, does that mean, like...necrophilia, pedophilia, Roman showers, even--gaspy--VERMO??
Zeiss Manifold: Depends. Are gnats mammals?
"You're probably thinking that I might have an STD. I don't. I tested negative." Emi said. "I always make them wear a condom."
"Still, get your ass to the doctor tomorrow." Guy thought.
Delcat: Because condoms protect 100% against all ST--pardon me, there's someone at my door. Oh, hello there, Mister Genital Warts! How are YOU today?
Zeiss Manifold: damn slightly-less-vanilla-than-me slut
Zeiss Manifold: "They tried all the positions: Doggy, on top, and normal."
Delcat: Doggy! Zeiss, wash out your mouth with soap!
Delcat: I think the third position for Quamp is "Not crying intermittently".
Delcat: It's a rare one, though.
Zeiss Manifold: And we're back to femdom again!
Delcat: Piss-weak femdom, but femdom!
Zeiss Manifold: Grody femdom, but femdom!
Delcat: You know, in the old days, you could be hanged for watering down your BDSM. We should bring that back.
Delcat: I ORDERED A HA'PENNY'S WORTH OF DOMINATION, WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTE BURNS
Zeiss Manifold: Kids today don't know a crop from a catheter!
Delcat: THE CONSTABLE SHALL HEAR OF THIS
"I really enjoyed it as well." Emi said.
Zeiss Manifold: we are the robots
Zeiss Manifold: beep beep beep boop
Delcat: "Uh-huh, yeah, I...it was fun. Uh-huh. Really. Are you still here?"
Zeiss Manifold: "Just nod if you can hear me! Is there any Quamp home?"
Zeiss Manifold: Bad Touch, puppets, et al
Delcat: Satellites go boop...boop...boop...boop...
Delcat: He must have used the Orion scent.
Zeiss Manifold: It was time for Linda to do the laundry.
Delcat: WHEN IT'S LATE
Delcat: AND IT'S HOT
Delcat: AND AN HOUR IN THE SHOWER IS THE BEST THAT YOU'VE GOT
Delcat: DON'T GIVE IN
Delcat: DON'T GIVE UP
Delcat: SOONER OR LATER YOU MIGHT FIND SOMEONE TO QUAMP
Delcat: She can't do laundry, they used all the fucking hot water D:<
Delcat: OTHER PEOPLE LIVE UNDER THIS ROOF YOU HORNDOGS
Delcat: DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOTE
Zeiss Manifold: After that, some more plot happens and some completely different people show up:
Zeiss Manifold: ...Not exactly how it works, but okay.
Delcat: I. Is she sounding him with her vagina? I don't know how else to read that. Quamp, you have been holding out on us, you are one pervy bitch!
Zeiss Manifold: Notice how he avoids the specifics here.
Delcat: Yeah, guys, we cut some out, but there are seriously four or five sex scenes in this, and they ALL consist of 69 followed by vanilla sex. ALL OF THEM.
Zeiss Manifold: And a touch of femdom, so diluted as to construe some strange sort of fetish homeopathy.
Delcat: Snatch-eating, 69, vanilla sex. Snatch-eating, 69, vanilla sex. THE CONVEYOR BELT MUST ROLL ON
Delcat: SPEED UP THE LINE, QUAMP
Zeiss Manifold: No luck.
Delcat: I love that "good while" thing he keeps doing. Nothing more exciting than the undescribed, indeterminate passage of time while fuckin' is being had.
Delcat: Hmm hmm hmmm, oh are we still doing that, okay, hmm hmm hmm hmmmmm
Zeiss Manifold: I think that he's just holding still out of sheer terror
Zeiss Manifold: He's just found out that the snatch he's actually cunnilinguising is a frumious bandersnatch.
Delcat: My vorpal blade snicker-snacks at the thought, Zeiss.
Zeiss Manifold: WHAT IS HAPPENING
Delcat: THEY ARE GENTLY PATTING EACH OTHER ON THE SKIN
Delcat: LIGHTLY, SO AS NOT TO BEND ANY BODY HAIR
Delcat: WE WON'T HAVE THAT SORT OF VIOLENCE HERE
Zeiss Manifold: and seeing how she could put her stuff into his stuff earlier I'm guessing that her "pussy and ass" are actually outward protuberances
Zeiss Manifold: INSIDE-OUT SEX
Delcat: NOW YOU'RE THINKING WITH PORTALS
Delcat: or possibly prolapses
Delcat: I thought that was just sick?
Zeiss Manifold: This fic is waffling on the bestiality issue. Like a waffle iron. Which Quamp will probably try to fuck.
Delcat: That's what I call a condom-nental breakfast.
Delcat: I have a lump of charmed pastrami in the fridge, myself. It sings :D
Zeiss Manifold: Those aren't sex positions, that‘s the steak menu at Outback.
Delcat: God, I can't decide if this is being read by a weatherman or Little Billy describing What He Did on His Summer Vacation.
Delcat: "When Mommy and Daddy were done fucking, we all went out to McDonald's. I ordered a Happy Meal. It was good but the toy wasn't very good."
Zeiss Manifold: "I'm Brian Williams, and this has been the NBC Nightly Quamp."
Delcat: EMPOWAHED by lying back and thinking of England and somehow only being able to come when your man does, AHU~ \(^3^)/
Delcat: so, so telling
"Oh? Finally took the big plunge with Gyore?" Emi asked.
"Yea. He was much better than that vibrator." Minako said.
"Well, it is a cheap one. I don't really need it anymore – you keep it or sell it." Emi said.
They all lived somewhat dysfunctionally but happily ever after.
Delcat: SELL it? SELL IT?! THIS IS NOT HOW VIBES WORK, QUAMP
Delcat: THERE IS NOT A FUCKING VIBE GOODWILL
Delcat: AND ALSO GIRLS ONLY SHARE SEX TOYS IN PORN
Zeiss Manifold: Once upon a time there was vibe in my life, now my schlicking's caught in a slump.
Zeiss Manifold: Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the Quamp.
Delcat: AND ALSO JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A ~MAN~ DOESN'T MEAN YOU FUCKING STOP MASTURBATING
Delcat: FUCK YOU, QUAMP
Delcat: FUCK YOU AND YOUR VICTROLA
Zeiss Manifold: He's probably beaten you to that last one.
Delcat: Are you saying that's not a needle dragging on that record? D:
Zeiss Manifold: Well, that's all for today's selection of Quamplets. Any final thoughts? I like the kenning usage myself.
Delcat: Um...Quamp is a hypocritical bastard, terrible at everything he does, and creepy as all fuck. Oh! And boring! Really, really boring!
Zeiss Manifold: I think that every time I read Quamp, my prostate fills up with dust.
Delcat: Every time I read Quamp, my vagina starts snarling and snapping its pointy teefs.
Zeiss Manifold: Hey, beats tumbleweeds in your deferens.
Delcat: What does Quamp feel like to you, dear reader? Comment and tell us!
Delcat: Until next time, this is the Spork Squad, tribbing off!