A SERIES OF QUAMPLETS A look into some of the spicier works from that most magical of authors.
Delcat: Welcome, bores and grinds! By popular request, we're delving deeper into Quamp's deeply troubled psyche by way of his AFF.net account! Does he practice what he preaches? Zeiss Manifold: The vast majority of his fics are for crappy moeblob crap fandoms we're unfamiliar with, so we're just going to make like a sane horny person and skip to the good parts. It's a series of Quamplets! Zeiss Manifold: *That, and in any case you could just ctrl+h the character names with little to no effect in the plot. Delcat: Mine is about Teddy Roosevelt and Mel Gibson :D Zeiss Manifold: Mine's a threesome between Kenan, Kel, and another Kel.
"Oh, don't be shy! Feeling private places can be fun!" Haruhi said.
Zeiss Manifold: ...If you're acting in a "good touch/bad touch" puppet show, maybe Delcat: If you needed any further proof of Quamp's kiddy-diddler preoccupations, look no further than his comfort with using that line.
"Mikuru-chan, you've got a lot of what a person wants in a woman. A guy would have to be gay not to want either of you."
Delcat: no homo Zeiss Manifold: damn you, beat me to it Delcat: sorry, you were typing a lot, I figured you were doing some kind of dissertation there Zeiss Manifold: In an irony, gay people have been observed using moeblobs as bait in the wild, to lure Quamps to their feeding nests.
"Okay... I'll try this." Mikuru said. She then ran her hand to Haruhi's tight gash and Kyon's stiff boner.
Zeiss Manifold: Suddenly, Kyon's testicles were irreperably damaged by a combustible wrench Zeiss Manifold: ...If we're going the playground route here in terms of euphemisms, we might as well go all the way. Delcat: "Excuse me, I need to take my limbs out for walkies now."
A tug later, and Mikuru's panties were at her ankles. Haruhi and Kyon also got undressed and then had Mikuru undress as well. Any straight guy would be very envious of this situation.
Zeiss Manifold: no homo Zeiss Manifold: Quamp definitely sounds like he's using these fics as Moe Yourself Straight workbooks here. Delcat: Freud would be puffing his cigar pointedly if he hadn't fallen asleep four pages ago. Delcat: also boy howdy there sure is a lot of undressing going on, mmyep
Two very hot babes were ready and eager to fuck, although this was more of a case of Mikuru and Kyon fucking Haruhi.
Zeiss Manifold: It's on the damn chart, people Delcat: This shit is so clinical I swear he has a medfetish. Delcat: MEDFETISH IS ABOUT SCALPELS AND BANDAGES, QUAMP, NOT CHARTING AND PAPERWORK Delcat: WHY DO YOU DESTROY EVERYTHING I LOVE Zeiss Manifold: It was previously thought that Mikuru and Kyon had the hots for each other, but this view changed following the discovery of new fossil specimens at Olduvai Gorge. Delcat: Feh, I'm pretty sure Quamp is a Young Earth Sexologist anyway.
Haruhi slipped a condom on Kyon's rod and then took it into her mouth. She then invited both of them to lick her snatch. Kyon went down on her and put his tongue down there.
Zeiss Manifold: Kyon could stick his head through his pelvis, how it delighted the schoolchildren! Delcat: Now, I will be the first one to say that safe sex is sexy sex. One of my favorite Cid/Vincent fics takes pains to mention them using a condom. However, it also makes it SEXY condom usage, which is never is in a Quampfic. As such, it gets old when he goes out of his way to mention it EVVERY...FUCKING...TIME. Zeiss Manifold: BUT CHILDREN MIGHT BE READING Delcat: They're not real people, Quamp, you're not going to have to suddenly change fanfic plans because they have an un-plotted pregnancy! Delcat: You have the control here! TAKE THE CONTROL! Zeiss Manifold: The thing that worries me most about kids reading this stuff is that the sexual techniques on display here possess the playfulness and passion of a diabetic clam Zeiss Manifold: This is going to lead to a whole lot of dissatisfaction, I just know it Delcat: I dunno, clams are pretty dang' happy.
They shifted around after a bit of this. This time, they were in a triangle of sixty-nine.
Zeiss Manifold: is that some sort of exponential thing what is that Delcat: Dude, it's the Isoceles Lock! I thought that was only for three dudes! Zeiss Manifold: But that's wrong! I thought sex was supposed to be equilateral for all parties! Delcat: Oh, Zeiss, you're just being deliberately obtuse. Delcat: I will say that this is acutely painful and definitely not right, though.
All of them started getting aroused
Zeiss Manifold: Wait, what?
sexually
Zeiss Manifold: ohhhhhhhhhhhh Delcat: well thank you for clearing that up sir
They all moaned and gasped while giving head.
Zeiss Manifold: ...in unison. It sounded like a thousand yogurt commercials at once. Delcat: Triangle Man, Triangle Man Triangle Man fucks Moeblob Man They have a fight But resolve it peacefully because conflict is morally wrong Triangle Man Delcat: no homo Delcat: But who's fucking who? Is it girl on girl on guy, or girl on guy on girl, or what? WHERE DOES IT STOP AND WHERE DOES IT END? Zeiss Manifold: LIKE A SNAKE FUCKING IT'S OWN TAIL
Man, Mikuru is great at blowing a guy's cock. She's much better than Haruhi is, Kyon thought.
Delcat: THAT DOESN'T ANSWER MY QUESTION Delcat: WHAT IF KYON HAS A VERY LONG COCK Zeiss Manifold: It's just "a guy", Del, it's not specifiied. Could be Pauly Shore for all we know. Delcat: why why why WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO ME
Kyon really liked eating Mikuru's cunt out.
Zeiss Manifold: LANGUAGE >( Delcat: ~Nyuuuuu, bondage is wrong but a man saying "cunt" is fine \(^3^)/ Zeiss Manifold: Well, you know what they say. Straps and flogs can break my pogs, but words will never Quamp me.
It was merely a process of natural selection; those that liked sex had more of it and thus a greater chance of getting pregnant. By the time Mikuru was born, every girl absolutely wanted sex although some were a bit shy about it.
Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: thanks for that, Zeiss, it almost stems the blood running from my eyes from the scientific horror Zeiss Manifold: ...This is one weird speculative future. Isn't Haruhi Suzumiya set in, like, now? Delcat: ...ZEISS I'M GONNA GET PREGNANT D: Zeiss Manifold: IT'S EVOLUTION BABY Delcat: DESPITE THE FACT THAT I ACTUALLY HAVE A HIGHER SEX DRIVE THAN AVERAGE BECAUSE OF THE HORMONAL PROBLEMS THAT PROBABLY HAVE MADE ME BARREN
Well, after some time of this, They shifted around again. Haruhi continued to eat out Mikuru's tight snatch while Kyon slid his hard tool into Haruhi's eager beaver. She seized his trouser snake hard, and smiled as Kyon started pumping her hard.
Zeiss Manifold: And then Beavis & Butthead laughed at them from the couch. Delcat: Ew, their underwear is infested with all kinds of vermin D: Delcat: THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY MEAN BY "PETTING ZOO" SIR Zeiss Manifold: THEY'VE GOT CRABS BY NOW Zeiss Manifold: COCONUT CRABS Zeiss Manifold: man, i dunno if quamp is trying to be funny here or if he really thinks this shit will cut it or what Zeiss Manifold: I think Quamp got sent back in time to whenever it was that people were just starting to notice that there were sex stories on the internet Delcat: and he has NEVER LEFT Delcat: victrola, man, victrola Zeiss Manifold: can't help it man, he's stuck Zeiss Manifold: the timestream is a fickle mistress
"I... I haven't come yet." Mikuru said. Kyon merely guided his pulsating trouser snake into Mikuru's waiting tunnel of love. Mikuru gasped sharply as Kyon's cock filled her tight slit up.
Zeiss Manifold: SEE Delcat: Pulsating? Wait...that's not a trouser snake at all! OH GOD IT'S A TROUSER ZOMBIE SNAIL D:
"Whoa! That's huge!" Mikuru gasped. Kyon really enjoyed having himself inside Mikuru.
Zeiss Manifold: well gee howdy Delcat: boy golly and how-do-you-do, my dance partner is the plumb prettiest at the square dance Delcat: now SWING YOUR SWINGER Zeiss Manifold: Look, would someone just tell Waylon Jennings to stop interrupting my porn Zeiss Manifold: HOW'S THAT KYON BOY GONNA GET OUT OF THIS ONE Delcat: Sloppily? Possibly with queefing involved? Delcat: Or maybe it'll be so tight it'll just RIP OFF
They fucked for a bit more, and then Kyon came into the condom he wore. Mikuru climaxed shortly afterwards.
Delcat: And there was much rejoicing Delcat: (monotone) Yaaaaaaaaaay. Zeiss Manifold: This fic is to threesomes what Chef Boyardee is to spaghetti and/or meatballs. Delcat: Cold, mealy, and eaten straight out of the can by the terminally alone?
"It was wonderful to me as well. Every guy dreams of having a beautiful woman, but having two of them is even better." Kyon said.
"Great, then it's settled. Both of you get to love me." Haruhi said. They realized that there was no way to talk her out of this….
Zeiss Manifold: Hmm, this reminds me of something...what was it? Zeiss Manifold: Poland...poledancing...polydactyls…oh yeah, POLYAMORY Delcat: THIS WILL NEVER LAST Delcat: which is a good thing because it's putting me to sleep Zeiss Manifold: AND THEY'LL ALL END UP SAD AND LONELY AND COMMUNISTS Delcat: Well, Quamp's broken one of his steadfast rules already. I wonder what the next one will bring?
What she didn't know, however, was that the kimono and underwear she wore was water soluble. When Desert Punk squirted the water all over her, it dissolved and she was left completely naked in front of him.
"Well, looks like you're naked now, so your ass is mine!" That's also when the drugs hit. Desert Punk had laced Junko's food and water with a chemical that turned her very horny. Junko held her waist and grimaced in pain.
Zeiss Manifold: "He had made a sex sandwich." Delcat: So...bondage bad, rape okay? Zeiss Manifold: also her kimono is made of flour Delcat: Wow, talk about dry clean only. Delcat: ...enh? Enh? Get it? :D Delcat: I was just outside of Tokyo when the drugs hit...
"I laced your food and water with a chemical known as 3-tungsten galodimaphosphate. It stimulates the brain in such a way as to make a woman very horny." Desert punk said. "You should be unable to control yourself any minute now..." Junko then doubled over.
"AH! OH GOD NO!" Junko screamed.
"What's the matter there?" Desert Punk said with a horny smile. "Getting the urge to merge yet?"
"God I want sex now!" Junko said in a combination of fear, panic, and anticipation. "But not with you!"
Delcat: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE QUAMP ROOFIE FIC Zeiss Manifold: Looks like someone found a tungsten mine. I'M CHEROKEE QUAMP Delcat: and before you ask, he's pulling chemistry out his ass, I googled it and it doesn't even begin to exist Delcat: Which is a good thing for all those Starbucks barristas in his area to hear, I'm sure Zeiss Manifold: Well, at least it's probably for the better that Quamp doesn't know how roofies work.
When she was done, Desert Punk placed his tongue on her snatch and tasted paradise. Junko moaned softly as he licked her snatch.
"Mmm... faster... deeper!" Junko demanded. Desert Punk obeyed for a while, at least.
"God, you're doing it all wrong! You don't have a clue about pleasing a girl, do you?" Junko nagged. She tried to show him how to be better, but he was still very inept at it. She was only aroused by the drugs he had her take. Eventually, Junko gave up on his oral skills.
Zeiss Manifold: Any straight guy would be jealous. Delcat: Well...they say to write what you know *awesomeface* Delcat: I don't know if this goes back to the "Write sex so realistic it's boring" thing or if he's really into humiliation. Zeiss Manifold: T'would explain a lot. Wait, would that mean we're playing right into his hands? Delcat: No, because remember, no homo
"I've already got it in! Why aren't you clamping down on me?" Desert Punk asked in dismay.
"That's probably because your cock is so small. I knew you couldn't handle a girl like me." Junko replied. Desert Punk was angered by this conclusion.
"Not big enough!? Your pussy is so loose you could store a fucking arsenal in it!" Desert Punk snapped back.
Delcat: OH SNAP Delcat: NOT A LOOSE PUSSY Delcat: THAT IS LIKE THE WORST INSULT IN THE ENTIRE WORLD Delcat: DEFEND YOUR HONOR, MADAM Zeiss Manifold: Okay NOW it's autobiographical Delcat: Is that it? Is all Quamp wants love small enough to be thrilled by his unencumbrance of fleshitude? Zeiss Manifold: "That car crusher was a better fuck than you ever were!"
""Hey! Stop that!" Desert Punk said. He tried to remove his fist from her pussy, but found it was solidly locked there. He couldn't get his fist out of her. Junko's moaning became much louder as she worked her snatch on his fist.
"Damnit! I can't pull out! Why is this always happening to me?" Desert Punk asked.
"Maybe if you respected women more, we'd respect you back." Junko said between moans.
Delcat: So...the moral of the story is, if a guy tries to rape you, let him shove his fist in your pussy, and it'll serve him right? Zeiss Manifold: Yep, your vag will do all the comeuppance for you. Wasn't this an issue of Secret Plot? Delcat: Does he seriously think this is a stand for women's rights? Having a rape victim defeat a man by ENJOYING IT? Zeiss Manifold: Unfortunately, her vagina was de-dentata'd and she could only gum him to death.
"Well, nice to see you're awake." Junko replied. "Since you have an unhealthy fixation with women's boobs, I took those profits you made selling that video of me bathing and had a doctor give you a set of your own."
Desert Punk then realized he was sporting a pair of E cup breasts. "What the fuck!? I like touching them, not having them!" He replied. Junko then seized Desert Punk's tits and began manhandling them.
"Let's see how you like having your tits groped!" Junko said.
"Ow! Damn, that hurts! Stop that!" Desert Punk replied.
"You groped me a lot, Desert Punk. I'm not about to stop." Junko replied.
Zeiss Manifold: Wait how did we get from Venus Fisttrap to this Delcat: TURNABOUT IS FAIR PLAY AMIRITE Delcat: Wait...no, no, turnabout is creepy, disturbing, and has unfortunate implications dripping from its every hole. Delcat: Via like three pages of boring plot that I took the liberty of cutting Delcat: THIS IS WHERE THE ACTION IS Zeiss Manifold: I'm just going to assume that it was an exciting fisting-related car chase
"Now you know how I felt every time you grabbed my boobs. By the way, everyone in town knows about this." Junko said as she tightened her grip on Desert Punk's mounds.
"You Goddamn bitch!!" Desert punk shouted.
"You should have thought about that before you filmed me naked." Junko said as she groped Desert Punk's tits.
"Women were not put here to be your playthings! We are not toys! We are people too!" She did this for more than an hour, causing several bruises on Desert Punk. When he was thoroughly beaten, Junko stopped.
Zeiss Manifold: ~EMPOWERMENT~ Delcat: EMPOWAHING women through making them into evil sadistic rapists, AHU~ \(^3^)/ Delcat: At least, that's what we're running with, folks. The alternative is that being endowed with oversized tits and then having them smacked around while he's told to bend to a woman's will is Quamp's VERY specific fetish, and frankly we don't want to deal with that sans Bahama Mamas. Zeiss Manifold: Man, this is the dullest TF fic I've ever read. At least give him dicks for ears that cum
Later he got a doctor to remove the breast implants, using up the remaining amount of money from the sale of Junko's video. He was no better off than before, and nobody really learned their lesson. Junko still was a bitch, Kosuna was still clueless, and Desert Punk was still a pervert.
-End-
Zeiss Manifold: Rather fatalist for porn here. Delcat: That's the real sign of a literary genius--a story that ends in even the narrator going "Meh". Delcat: By the by, this has 1492 hits but no reviews, and has been rated two stars on average. Even AFF.net doesn't like him, and they like EVERYTHING. Zeiss Manifold: Well yeah. Masturbating to Quamp is like masturbating to Doug. Delcat: Actually, looking over the star counts, I'm seeing a staggering number of one- and two-starred stories for someone out to ~ENLIGHTEN THE MASSES~ about how to write good fanfiction. It's like a plumber bitching you out about your shower while the toilet spews raw sewage behind him, complete with smell. Zeiss Manifold: Maybe he's just trying to make the next generation of writers as compellingly dull as he is, thus taking everyone else with him. Zeiss Manifold: Quamp doesn't get starred, NO ONE gets starred. Delcat: Well, so far we have polyamory, rape, and...assorted other things, all of which he expressed disapproval of. How can he possibly top the hypocrisy? Zeiss Manifold: Wheel of Quampality, turn turn turn. Tell us the lesson that we should learn! Delcat: (Why don't you handle the quotes for this one, I'm bad at it D:)
Zeiss Manifold: Sounds like the Japanese dub title of a Beach Boys reunion special.
M/F, Femdom
Zeiss Manifold: oh hello Delcat: :@ NO QUAMP, THAT'S WRONG Zeiss Manifold: BUT JUST WHAT KIND OF FEMDOM IS THIS
"Mistress, I would be grateful if you sucked my cock." Guy said.
Zeiss Manifold: THE HALF-ASSED KIND Delcat: Oh my God, seriously? Is the next paragraph him getting the shit beaten out of him and anally raped? 'Cause I think that's what being that smug to an actual Mistress is code for.
"Well... I guess I could allow a 69..." Emi said.
Delcat: NO Delcat: NO Delcat: BAD DOM Zeiss Manifold: This is one pushover Mistress. Delcat: YOU ARE DOING IT WRONG Zeiss Manifold: Looks like someone's Quamping from the bottom. Delcat: PUNISH THE NAUGHTY BOY AND TELL HIM TO GO BACK TO HIS CORNER Delcat: So THIS is why Quamp hates BDSM so much. HE'S TERRIBLE AT IT.
He had a hard time continuing to eat out Emi's tight snatch.
Zeiss Manifold: Conjugating verbs is a bitch down there Delcat: He kept getting his tongue caught on the edge of the crusher.
She moaned with his boner in her mouth, and he nearly came into her mouth as she did this.
Zeiss Manifold: She boned with his moaner in her mouth Delcat: Noooo, fucking showing PLEASURE at SUCKING COCK?! YOU ARE LOSING CONTROL OF THE SITUATION Delcat: WHO THE HELL HIRED YOU I AM CALLING THE AGENCY Delcat: BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP BOOP Delcat: HELLO? HELLO? Zeiss Manifold: COSTCO HERE Zeiss Manifold: ASK ABOUT OUR DOM SALE Delcat: YES I'D LIKE TO REPORT THE MOST USELESS DOMINATRIX IN THE WORLD Delcat: ALSO WHY IS YOUR PHONE NUMBER FIVE DIGITS, THAT'S FUCKED UP
They did the 69 for a good, long time. It was a good thing Guy was so buff; most men be tired by now.
Delcat: Awww, poor sweet baby, having to have his widdle cock sucked. GET IN THE CAGE AND BARK, BOY Zeiss Manifold: "Yes, it was a good thing he was buff, muscled, strong, his sweat-glistened shoulder muscles shining like oiled corn husks, his knees - wait. what? Oh yeah, he was fucking a girl. The girl had a snatch." Delcat: no homo
Emi pulled out a condom. "You will put this on now." She ordered. Guy did so. "Now... I get on top." Emi said. She straddled him and the guided his throbbing boner into her snatch.
Zeiss Manifold: SEE Zeiss Manifold: Y'know, I have a hunch Quamp thinks that BDSM is just when people wear black while having sex, but this is lackluster even by his standards. Delcat: Quamp...Quamp, Quamp, Quamp. That is NOT what "latex" means in this context, baby doll. Delcat: I'm reminded of when I was thirteen and thought S&M was a TV channel. You know, Playboy, Spice, S&M.
He felt as though his cock was in a gnat's ass.
Zeiss Manifold:
Delcat: do Delcat: do you have Delcat: some kind of exploding insect fetish now Delcat: is that what this is about Delcat: Is she just lined with cockrings inside? Is it like a new form of torture? Are we actually going somewhere with this? Zeiss Manifold: You know those "Creepy Crawly Insect-Maker" things they used to advertise on Nick all the time? I think he lost his virginity to one. Delcat: aw man, that makes me feel SO much better about Mom not letting me buy the one I found at a garage sale when I was six D: Zeiss Manifold: Y'know, I think we should offer Quamp an actual guide on how to include humor in adult writing Zeiss Manifold: 1) Remove hands from cargo pants while making joke Zeiss Manifold: 2) Actually give a gnat's ass Delcat: I think we should give a more general course Delcat: 1) Remove hands from keyboard Delcat: 2) Think about what you've done, young man
Emi went up and down on his 9 inches of love, never slowing down. Emi screamed like a banshee as she felt her snatch squeeze the life out of Guy's cock.
Zeiss Manifold: Hey Del, I think you WERE on to something! Delcat: Emi: YOUR BONER SHALL DIE ON THE MORROW Guy: THAT'S OKAY I KIND OF GATHERED THAT
His foamy load was barely held in check by the condom.
Delcat: Next time, maybe you should spring for Trojans instead of Durfex. Zeiss Manifold: 3) Do not attempt prostate stimulation with shaving cream can Delcat: Man, that shit is in-fect-ed...
"I've only come one other time in my life. It took two guys and a girl licking my clit to get me off." Emi said. Guy realized that Emi was much more uninhibited than he first thought.
Zeiss Manifold: This from a gnat-fucker. Delcat: The reader, on the other hand, realized that HOLY SHIT GET TO A DOCTOR YOU HAVE FUCKING NERVE DAMAGE Delcat: Of course she can come from vanilla sex with this random guy, though, 'cause he's ~*special*~ and not an author-insert at all Delcat: Seriously, how can someone be this promiscuous--and, more importantly, KNOWLEDGABLE--and not have an orgasm even once? Is it possible to think of England that hard?
"Just out of curiosity, is there anything you haven't done sexually?" Guy asked. "I've never had sex with an animal. That's just sick. But I've done a lot with people." Emi said.
Zeiss Manifold: Line readings for Emi provided by Tommy Wisseau. Zeiss Manifold: "I did nawt fuck that gnat, thaaat is bullshit, I did nawwwt." Delcat: "Okay, sounds like she won't mind if I spring the donkey punch and follow it up with the Cleveland steamer," Guy thought. Delcat: So, uh...if bestiality is the only thing she hasn't done, does that mean, like...necrophilia, pedophilia, Roman showers, even--gaspy--VERMO?? Zeiss Manifold: Depends. Are gnats mammals?
"Get your ass to the doctor tomorrow." Guy thought. "Who knows what kind of weird STDs she's been exposed to." "You're probably thinking that I might have an STD. I don't. I tested negative." Emi said. "I always make them wear a condom." "Still, get your ass to the doctor tomorrow." Guy thought.
Delcat: Because condoms protect 100% against all ST--pardon me, there's someone at my door. Oh, hello there, Mister Genital Warts! How are YOU today? Zeiss Manifold: damn slightly-less-vanilla-than-me slut
This time, Guy got to do several positions with her.
Zeiss Manifold: "They tried all the positions: Doggy, on top, and normal." Delcat: Doggy! Zeiss, wash out your mouth with soap! Delcat: I think the third position for Quamp is "Not crying intermittently". Delcat: It's a rare one, though.
Guy was ordered by Emi to sleep on the wet spot, though.
Zeiss Manifold: And we're back to femdom again! Delcat: Piss-weak femdom, but femdom! Zeiss Manifold: Grody femdom, but femdom! Delcat: You know, in the old days, you could be hanged for watering down your BDSM. We should bring that back. Delcat: I ORDERED A HA'PENNY'S WORTH OF DOMINATION, WHERE ARE MY CIGARETTE BURNS Zeiss Manifold: Kids today don't know a crop from a catheter! Delcat: THE CONSTABLE SHALL HEAR OF THIS
"Emi, last night was the best night I've ever had." He said. "I really enjoyed it as well." Emi said.
Zeiss Manifold: we are the robots Zeiss Manifold: beep beep beep boop Delcat: "Uh-huh, yeah, I...it was fun. Uh-huh. Really. Are you still here?" Zeiss Manifold: "Just nod if you can hear me! Is there any Quamp home?"
Both of them lingered very slowly over each other's private places.
Zeiss Manifold: Bad Touch, puppets, et al Delcat: Satellites go boop...boop...boop...boop... Delcat: He must have used the Orion scent.
After more than an hour in the shower, they stopped the shower, dried off, and dressed.
Zeiss Manifold:It was time for Linda to do the laundry. Delcat: WHEN IT'S LATE Delcat: AND IT'S HOT Delcat: AND AN HOUR IN THE SHOWER IS THE BEST THAT YOU'VE GOT Delcat: DON'T GIVE IN Delcat: DON'T GIVE UP Delcat: SOONER OR LATER YOU MIGHT FIND SOMEONE TO QUAMP Delcat: She can't do laundry, they used all the fucking hot water D:< Delcat: OTHER PEOPLE LIVE UNDER THIS ROOF YOU HORNDOGS Delcat: DON'T MAKE ME LEAVE A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE NOTE Zeiss Manifold: After that, some more plot happens and some completely different people show up:
Naturally, having a babe this hot pressing her cunt into his dick made his cock hard.
Zeiss Manifold: ...Not exactly how it works, but okay. Delcat: I. Is she sounding him with her vagina? I don't know how else to read that. Quamp, you have been holding out on us, you are one pervy bitch!
He moaned as they did the 69.
Zeiss Manifold: Notice how he avoids the specifics here. Delcat: Yeah, guys, we cut some out, but there are seriously four or five sex scenes in this, and they ALL consist of 69 followed by vanilla sex. ALL OF THEM. Zeiss Manifold: And a touch of femdom, so diluted as to construe some strange sort of fetish homeopathy. Delcat: Snatch-eating, 69, vanilla sex. Snatch-eating, 69, vanilla sex. THE CONVEYOR BELT MUST ROLL ON Delcat: SPEED UP THE LINE, QUAMP
She too moaned with his cock in her mouth. They were like this for a good while.
Zeiss Manifold: No luck. Delcat: I love that "good while" thing he keeps doing. Nothing more exciting than the undescribed, indeterminate passage of time while fuckin' is being had. Delcat: Hmm hmm hmmm, oh are we still doing that, okay, hmm hmm hmm hmmmmm Zeiss Manifold: I think that he's just holding still out of sheer terror Zeiss Manifold: He's just found out that the snatch he's actually cunnilinguising is a frumious bandersnatch. Delcat: My vorpal blade snicker-snacks at the thought, Zeiss.
Gyore loved the tightness of her pussy and ass; he couldn't keep his hands off of them. She couldn't keep her hands off of his buns of steel either.
Zeiss Manifold: WHAT IS HAPPENING Delcat: THEY ARE GENTLY PATTING EACH OTHER ON THE SKIN Delcat: LIGHTLY, SO AS NOT TO BEND ANY BODY HAIR Delcat: WE WON'T HAVE THAT SORT OF VIOLENCE HERE Zeiss Manifold: and seeing how she could put her stuff into his stuff earlier I'm guessing that her "pussy and ass" are actually outward protuberances Zeiss Manifold: INSIDE-OUT SEX Delcat: NOW YOU'RE THINKING WITH PORTALS Delcat: or possibly prolapses
She placed the condom on his rod, and then guided his boner into her beaver.
Delcat: I thought that was just sick? Zeiss Manifold: This fic is waffling on the bestiality issue. Like a waffle iron. Which Quamp will probably try to fuck. Delcat: That's what I call a condom-nental breakfast.
"You are very tight." Gyore said as he worked his magical meat back and forth.
Delcat: I have a lump of charmed pastrami in the fridge, myself. It sings :D
They fucked for a long time, but to them, forever wouldn't be long enough. They stared into each other's eyes and saw love. They really did only two positions, the forward cowgirl and the western missionary.
Zeiss Manifold: Those aren't sex positions, that‘s the steak menu at Outback. Delcat: God, I can't decide if this is being read by a weatherman or Little Billy describing What He Did on His Summer Vacation. Delcat: "When Mommy and Daddy were done fucking, we all went out to McDonald's. I ordered a Happy Meal. It was good but the toy wasn't very good."
Minako seemed to like the western missionary the best. That's the position they did when, at long last, Gyore came into the condom he wore. This caused Minako to achieve her climax.
Zeiss Manifold: "I'm Brian Williams, and this has been the NBC Nightly Quamp." Delcat: EMPOWAHED by lying back and thinking of England and somehow only being able to come when your man does, AHU~ \(^3^)/ Delcat: so, so telling
"Emi, I've decided that I don't need your vibrator anymore." Minako said.
"Oh? Finally took the big plunge with Gyore?" Emi asked.
"Yea. He was much better than that vibrator." Minako said.
"Well, it is a cheap one. I don't really need it anymore – you keep it or sell it." Emi said. They all lived somewhat dysfunctionally but happily ever after.
Delcat: SELL it? SELL IT?! THIS IS NOT HOW VIBES WORK, QUAMP Delcat: THERE IS NOT A FUCKING VIBE GOODWILL Delcat: AND ALSO GIRLS ONLY SHARE SEX TOYS IN PORN Zeiss Manifold: Once upon a time there was vibe in my life, now my schlicking's caught in a slump. Zeiss Manifold: Nothing I can do, a total eclipse of the Quamp. Delcat: AND ALSO JUST BECAUSE YOU HAVE A ~MAN~ DOESN'T MEAN YOU FUCKING STOP MASTURBATING Delcat: FUCK YOU, QUAMP Delcat: FUCK YOU AND YOUR VICTROLA Zeiss Manifold: He's probably beaten you to that last one. Delcat: Are you saying that's not a needle dragging on that record? D: Zeiss Manifold: Well, that's all for today's selection of Quamplets. Any final thoughts? I like the kenning usage myself. Delcat: Um...Quamp is a hypocritical bastard, terrible at everything he does, and creepy as all fuck. Oh! And boring! Really, really boring! Zeiss Manifold: I think that every time I read Quamp, my prostate fills up with dust. Delcat: Every time I read Quamp, my vagina starts snarling and snapping its pointy teefs. Zeiss Manifold: Hey, beats tumbleweeds in your deferens. Delcat: What does Quamp feel like to you, dear reader? Comment and tell us! Delcat: Until next time, this is the Spork Squad, tribbing off!