Rufayette Morgenschoss (zeiss_manifold) wrote in spork_squad, @ 2010-07-22 10:33:00 |
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Entry tags: | back-of-the-bus erotica, cap-o-rama, crush trauma, gurren-lagann, not worksafe, quamp, text snark, zeiss manifold |
"WHAT IF KAMINA HAD LIVED?" BY QUAMP
In honor of the sheer response we've recieved on the last Quamp snark, I've decided to go ahead and fine-tune another snark I wrote a while back - of the original "car crusher" fic itself. You've read his guide, now see how the man works!
Today’s selection is a tale by our very own Quamp, the fandom being the only one he’s written in that I know anything about - Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann, a Gainax show about robots and drills and sunglasses and explosions and it’s mentioned on like every TV Tropes entry so that should tell you everything you need to know about it. It’s called "What If Kamina Had Lived?", a title that would require a spoiler box, if it wasn’t that Kamina’s in-canon fate is about as much of a spoiler nowadays as "The Titanic sinks at the end."
TTGL takes place in a universe where the laws of physics are as malleable as window putty, and where this kind of shit happens on a regular basis. And given this fertile field, what does quamp decide to plant? Enough blandfruit to fill the adult contemporary charts for three years straight. There are only 12 TTGL fics on AFF, compared to 200 at FF.net, so I doubt this attempt at a pornfic harvest was very successful. Putting a PVC figurine in the wicker man counts as cheating, I guess.
Anyway, the story starts after the non-elaborated-on "Final Battle", where Kamina makes a Ronald Emmerich-y speech and is accosted by Yoko afterwards:
"Oh yes I'll marry you! You've made me very happy!" Yoko said emotionally as she smiled. Kamina returned her embrace and held this luscious vixen close.
Suddenly, first blemishes of Perverse Sexual Lust appear on the blandfruit. The two waste no time in initiating sexytiems:
When suddenly, the field is raided by euphemism-wolves!
quamp are you in the seventh grade
Quamp attempts to salvage the harvest by sprinkling on some more dialogue, however, the fruit is already mushy and his fertilizer has lost its nutrients, making it just another plain sack of shit.
"You look very big too... But what can you do with it?" Yoko asked.
"I'd rather show you than tell you." Kamina said as he dove for her sweet treasure box.
"Skinemax movie dialogue? I’LL STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!"
QUAMP, DIGIVOLVE TO…QUAMP MARENGHI
Chortle at Kamina’s boner, will she? Hey, wait a minute…
This fic wrote:
Yoko had seized Kamina's boner with the force of a car crusher.
Another Quampfic wrote:
He felt like he stuffed his dick into a pinhole.
Still another Quampfic wrote:
Junnosuke felt his cock was caught in a vise and Kurumu was turning the handle as hard as she could.
…Yikes. I hate speculating like this, but methinks someone has lost a little sensation down there.
THEY’RE GOING BASKETBALLS TO BUNS MAN
Geez, man, you’re trying to write a Harlequin novel and something you heard on the middle-school bus at the same time. PORN DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
....
Oh, so it’s okay then. :D
More projecting? You decide.
Anyway, they both go through the whole "Was it good for you?" routine, and after that quamp tries one last attempt at saving his farm with an emergency KOMEDY resuscitation regarding Simon and Nia, which amounts to as much as throwing a plastic play pumpkin at a sheet of bedrock. We do finish on this line, though:
THE QUAMP IS DOWN WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY, FOLKS. TOTES.
*"Clitoris?" and the Dan Backslide shoop not mine, btw