"WHAT IF KAMINA HAD LIVED?" BY QUAMP
In honor of the sheer response we've recieved on the last Quamp snark, I've decided to go ahead and fine-tune another snark I wrote a while back - of the original "car crusher" fic itself. You've read his guide, now see how the man works!
Today’s selection is a tale by our very own Quamp, the fandom being the only one he’s written in that I know anything about - Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann, a Gainax show about robots and drills and sunglasses and explosions and it’s mentioned on like every TV Tropes entry so that should tell you everything you need to know about it. It’s called "What If Kamina Had Lived?", a title that would require a spoiler box, if it wasn’t that Kamina’s in-canon fate is about as much of a spoiler nowadays as "The Titanic sinks at the end."
A/N: I'm really surprised nobody's written a Tengen Toppa Gurren-Lagann story here before. Hopefully, this will start a trend…
TTGL takes place in a universe where the laws of physics are as malleable as window putty, and where this kind of shit happens on a regular basis. And given this fertile field, what does quamp decide to plant? Enough blandfruit to fill the adult contemporary charts for three years straight. There are only 12 TTGL fics on AFF, compared to 200 at FF.net, so I doubt this attempt at a pornfic harvest was very successful. Putting a PVC figurine in the wicker man counts as cheating, I guess.
Anyway, the story starts after the non-elaborated-on "Final Battle", where Kamina makes a Ronald Emmerich-y speech and is accosted by Yoko afterwards:
"It's going to be rough, Yoko-chan. But I will always try to make time for us. I hope that you and I can marry once enough of the city is rebuilt." Kamina said. Yoko let go of his hands and threw her arms around him.
"Oh yes I'll marry you! You've made me very happy!" Yoko said emotionally as she smiled. Kamina returned her embrace and held this luscious vixen close.
Suddenly, first blemishes of Perverse Sexual Lust appear on the blandfruit. The two waste no time in initiating sexytiems:
They felt an intense passion flow between them. Yoko felt at ease being in Kamina's strong arms, and she felt like she was meant to go there. Kamina also felt wonderful holding Yoko close. He enjoyed the feel of her ample tits on his broad pecs. The two of them kissed for a bit, playing with each other's tongues. It was nothing but pleasure in each other's arms. When they came up for air, Kamina invited Yoko to lie in bed with him, and she eagerly agreed.
When suddenly, the field is raided by euphemism-wolves!
After a few more minutes of playing tonsil hockey, Kamina reached up and seized Yoko's ample rack into his hands. Yoko responded by feeling up Kamina's buns of steel. She felt Kamina's cock go up and press into her tight snatch.
quamp are you in the seventh grade
Quamp attempts to salvage the harvest by sprinkling on some more dialogue, however, the fruit is already mushy and his fertilizer has lost its nutrients, making it just another plain sack of shit.
"Well, you're very impressive naked." Kamina said.
"You look very big too... But what can you do with it?" Yoko asked.
"I'd rather show you than tell you." Kamina said as he dove for her sweet treasure box.
"Skinemax movie dialogue? I’LL STEAL IT! NO ONE WILL EVER KNOW!"
Parting Yoko's legs, Kamina could see she had a small bar of red hair down there. Yoko couldn't stop herself from returning the head she was getting. She eagerly took his hard tool into her mouth and started sucking it. Yoko ran her soft tongue around his hard shaft and got Kamina harder than he'd ever been before. That was easy with a babe as hot as Yoko is.
Kamina also continued to probe Yoko's sweet pink as she gave him head. Neither one of them could get enough of this sixty-nine. It was like paradise on earth to them. Kamina enjoyed the taste of Yoko's sweet hot crack, and she loved the taste of Kamina's hard tool. Once he was very hard, they turned around. Kamina slid his hard cock deep into Yoko's wet, tight slit.
QUAMP, DIGIVOLVE TO…QUAMP MARENGHI
"Ooh! Oh yes!" Yoko gasped. "That feels huge!!" Yoko had seized Kamina's boner with the force of a car crusher.
Chortle at Kamina’s boner, will she? Hey, wait a minute…
This fic wrote: Yoko had seized Kamina's boner with the force of a car crusher. Another Quampfic wrote: He felt like he stuffed his dick into a pinhole. Still another Quampfic wrote: Junnosuke felt his cock was caught in a vise and Kurumu was turning the handle as hard as she could.
Yoko couldn't help but run her hands over Kamina's broad pecs and really liked touching his buns of steel. Kamina also ran his hands over Yoko's soft, smooth skin. Her breasts bounced like two basketballs as Kamina rammed his rod deep inside Yoko and back. They seemed to connect on a level that they never had felt before.
THEY’RE GOING BASKETBALLS TO BUNS MAN Geez, man, you’re trying to write a Harlequin novel and something you heard on the middle-school bus at the same time. PORN DOES NOT WORK THAT WAY.
....
Both of them never wanted it to stop, but sadly, it did. Just when neither of them could take anymore, Kamina came hard and fast.
A second or two later, Yoko climaxed, and squealed in delight as she achieved the ultimate pleasure.
Oh, so it’s okay then. :D More projecting? You decide.
Anyway, they both go through the whole "Was it good for you?" routine, and after that quamp tries one last attempt at saving his farm with an emergency KOMEDY resuscitation regarding Simon and Nia, which amounts to as much as throwing a plastic play pumpkin at a sheet of bedrock. We do finish on this line, though:
"You're right. I shouldn't rush things. I should let myself grow up normally." Nia said. "There will be plenty of time for kids once Simon and I have turned eighteen."
THE QUAMP IS DOWN WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY, FOLKS. TOTES. *"Clitoris?" and the Dan Backslide shoop not mine, btw