Gen could understand it better now - the drinking. She felt the lightness whenever she drank. Just on cue she took another sip and nodded in understanding.
"You know I always imagined that it would be paradise. I always imagined that I could finally do all the things normal people did in the books if only it were over. But now that it's over... we cook and we joke and it's good." She was glad they did. She was glad her friends were there with her. "But I always feel this weight on me. It always feels wrong. And then..." And maybe it was silly but she could not help it. "Then I feel guilty. Not everyone got away. I should make the most of the situation. But I can't. One of the others, they might be better at this. So why am I here and not them?" There was no answer to that. Maybe the Man had picked her for exactly that reason. "When Bill asked for help... it felt good. My mind was busy. I had a purpose. The guilt... the memories... they..." She shrugged. "They were not as present." Maybe if she saved everyone else it would go away.
She needed this. To be able to talk to someone who understood but wasn't from her world. Gen felt like she could open up more. Whatever she confessed, it did not relate to John.