InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "My heart will NOT go on."

Hawke was born the (victimofaname) wrote in somerealityrpg,
@ 2019-07-05 13:49:00

WHO: Hawke and Anders
WHERE: The shared apartment
WHEN: Friday, July 5th
WARNINGS: TBD (some mentions of canon typical violence and language)
SPOILERS? TBD (mentions of Dragon Age: Inquisition and Dragon Age 2)
STATUS? Ongoing

Hawke did not like putting her faith into anything. She barely believed in the Maker (Andraste could be debated, but ever since She'd gone up in flames She hadn't exactly been doing much in Hawke's opinion) and would never put her life and destiny in the hands of something that had proven itself to be petty at best and terribly cruel at it's worst. So putting her life in this benevolent entity's hands was not something she was enjoying. Besides, if it was truly that benevolent, would she need coin? Couldn't it just put them in this place. What did it need the coin for, anyway? There weren't any answers to these questions, and Hawke had no other options then to play along. She made plans, no doubt about that, because she wasn't going to be caught off guard (Kirkwall had taught her something at least) but in the mean time she needed to eat, and to keep this roof over her head (and it wasn't awful, at least it wasn't Gamlen again).

Which meant going through the paper she'd found. It was a little disheartening. Nothing sounded familiar. It wasn't a Chanter's board where she could pick up something and earn coin from it. These things asked for skills she didn't have, and some she didn't even know. All her life she'd made her coin with her daggers. Kill this thing, find this person, stop the blood mages. That was easy. But those skills didn't transfer here. She had a few options, dog walker of all things and maybe something that taught others how to defend themselves, but she was also going to reach out to the wider community and see if someone would know more. Maybe her cousin would know something.

She tensed when the door started to open. She knew some of who she was sharing with (and wasn't it hilarious she could call the bloody King of Fereldan someone she shared quarters with) but she didn't know the last person and a lifetime of being wary wasn't an easy thing to put down (even when she'd gotten her mother's mansion back she'd always been tense. It had been foreshadowing of the worst kind, because the worst thing had slipped in under her nose). She'd shed her armor, but still wore it's leather (another thing she'd need; clothes. She hoped her cousin might oblige her. Again) and never kept her daggers far away. She set one hand on one of the hilts, casually (or as casually as anyone could hold a dagger), and waited. The familiar face made her raise her eyebrows, and remove her hand.

"Hey." She relaxed and smiled at Anders. He was avoiding her, and she'd let him have it for a moment. He'd never be able to really get rid of her, and she'd almost wondered if she'd have to hunt him down. And they did need to talk. He'd acted like they had just parted ways in Kirkwall, still expecting her anger and acting like if someone had tried kidnapping him or putting him in any sort of Circle she'd just let it happen (and...well even at her angriest she'd never have let that happen. She'd ensured his safety). As if years hadn't passed where she'd only gotten word from Varric (who was still angry and who did still tell her that 'the less you know the better') and all she had was worry that he'd finally let Justice win and gotten himself killed in some fool plan. "Can't keep avoiding me you know," she added with a smile. "Might as well have a seat." She motioned to the seats. "This is an odd question, but what year is it? Back home anyway. Just, indulge me here. I swear there's a purpose to it. We can get in on everything after."

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healthespirit
2019-07-07 03:10 pm UTC (link)

For a moment, Anders saw something in her face he didn't know he liked, directed at him, before she was shoving the bread closer to him, insisting he eat some more of it. He'd comply, but his stomach seemed to be shut off, the sharp hunger pains he'd felt only a few moments ago seemingly gone for the moment. Ripping off a piece, he chewed slowly, trying to stay calm in his chair. There was no reason he needed to be otherwise, or at least, that's what he was trying to tell himself. What did a hole in the sky like that even look like? He already didn't like any of it and there was more? What had he missed being called here like this? What were they all missing right now? "You have experience with saving people." Said low, his eyes flickering away for a moment before taking another bite. Why merge the two worlds when mages could access the fade? What was the point? The Inquisitor had the power to close the hole? How? He didn't know he could sit here any longer. Maybe he needed to start pacing as well. He wasn't usually the pacing type, only when highly stressed and throwing things everywhere.

Blood magic to summon demons? That tingle got stronger, his lips twisting in anger. Once, he hadn't hated blood magic. He had understood it as a tool, had joked about it in his time with Solona. Since then, he had seen the real power of it, the way it changed and destroyed people. He'd been called here, useless, to the plight of the people he had killed for. His eyes were glued to the table as Hawke talked now, his hate for the Grey Wardens morphing and becoming more. Of course instead of helping, they'd killed them all. He hadn't been there. His anger cooled, just for a moment, at that thought. What would he have done? He would have been possessed among the rest, another Grey Warden mage unable to resist the call. He wouldn't have taken the easy way but, would he have been just as powerless? Why wouldn't you have done more, like you had before? Don't you wish Justice for these mages? Have you given up? He could see his hands spark blue, his own self slipping away from him. He would have stopped this Tevinter viper, without everything in him. He shouldn't have left.

Standing suddenly, Anders knew he was slipping away but he didn't want to let it happen, not now. "We need to go home." Voice rough, the blue light in his eyes began to fade, Justice slated for the moment with his host's conviction and need to go home for vengeance. Apparently he wasn't as weak as he'd thought he was without the fade near by. Had he been playing a game?

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victimofaname
2019-07-07 03:40 pm UTC (link)

She ought to give him more credit, really but she didn't trust Justice. Anders could tell her whatever he liked about the spirit, but her opinion about it all was hardly going to change. She'd yet to meet any spirit who'd change her mind on it all (there was a thought that the whole Chantry mess had been less Anders and more a spirit not seeing another option. Otherwise, he'd have trusted her more). So when he rose and the light faded she just crossed her arms. "I have no idea how. You're the smart one here. Also it's done. things are," she waved one hand and shrugged, "well as fixed as Thedas ever gets. Look, both of you I took the vengeance and I gave them justice. Do you know what'll happen when you go back? To either the mages or the Wardens? All you'll get is dead. Or worse." And there was always worse. "This one, you can't solve. Like I said, already been done and I'm not losing you."

She couldn't lose more people. She was frayed enough at her edges. She'd been worried for the lot of them, but everyone else was doing well. Aveline had her city, Isabela her sea, Merrill her people, Varric had his businesses and now Kirkwall (and she gave it all of three months before Aveline decided to retire with Varric at the helm of things). The only two she actively worried about were Fenris and Anders, and neither of them she knew would welcome it too much. Fenris because he was busy making enemies cutting his path through the slavers and she honestly wondered if he never considered the possibility that assassins didn't just come with knives and he was pissing off the one nation that thought blood magic was the height of fashion and Anders because she hadn't known where he was and because she felt that without a steadying balance, he'd listen to Justice and just burn himself on a pyre of his own making. She didn't think Justice got the concept of 'if Anders is dead, he can't help anyone'.

She released her hands then went to set them on his shoulders. She held his gaze and smiled. "Listen to me alright. They're fine now. We went into the Fade, bit accidentally and I don't recommend doing it physically but hey at least I didn't bring a Blight back," she gave with her trade mark smirk because if she made light of it then she wouldn't have to fear that voice and wouldn't have to explain she'd eternally hate green now, "but it turns out that my shit luck has a purpose here. We found the connection and we stopped it. The Warden killed that demon and the Inquisitor did...honestly something it escapes me but they're fine. They're not lost anymore." They still killed their brothers and it was odd how quick she could lose her own anger to soothe those she cared for but those were details. "I even went to Weisshaupt," and here she rolled her eyes, "bag of dicks that. Do you remember when we had to go to that Duke's place for Tallis? I'd do it again in a frilly dress over going to Weisshaupt. Bloody politics. They say they don't get involved but Maker's breath they lie. It's awful. But anyway I went there because they'd gone quiet and it was bad. Awful really. But it's sorted now. Trust me with that, alright? You know I'm good for it."

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healthespirit
2019-07-09 03:44 pm UTC (link)

For some reason, after she said the part of people ending up dead if he went home, Anders couldn't help but laugh. Sure, it was a short and bitter sound, but a laugh nonetheless. That's all that seemed to happen to mages, or worse. Even if Justice wasn't inside of him, he'd never change his mind on the fact that being made Tranquil was worse than death for a mage. To live like that? It was his own version of the boogeyman. Possession was just as bad, an ever lingering threat, but it shouldn't have to be held against them all. He felt like he was being squeezed, his chest, his arms and legs. He just had this low grade pain in his body like he'd been too tense. Part of that had to do with Justice rolling like he was, part of it was that he always got a little too worked up sometimes. All the time if other mages and their fate were a part of the conversation, but that didn't need to be said out loud.

"I know you don't." It was why she had let him live. Why it probably hurt when he just disappeared without a word to her. Not probably - it did. He knew that, even without asking her. Anders was a shitty friend. Eyes were dropped to the floor as he sighed, something deep and needed. Was he really so useless? You helped them, in a small way, but you started hope. A whisper now, not an overwhelming thing. That, however, was interrupted when hands fell to his shoulders, the mage realizing that his rouge friend had gone around the table to stand in front of him and the chair on the floor. "You went into the fade physically?" Instead of the sorrow or anger, there was only shock. He'd thought that only spirits and demons could go there physically. Dreams was where mages saw the fade and things inside of it but that was because they were connected to it. A human, one without magical abilities going into it was unheard of.

The shock gave way to another laugh, an actual one this time. "The Wardens weren't a bag of dicks before?" There was that whit again, the small smirk that had been the Anders he'd been before Justice got so out of control. The one that had put out milk in Darktown hoping a cat would appear. It wasn't as strong, more of a quiet thing, but there. The fact that Hawke had put out the image of her in a frilly dress was what did it, though.

After a moment of silence from him, he took another deep breath before almost sagging. He wanted to know what the fade was like, but from her movements and the shadows on his friend's face, he knew not to actually ask past what he'd already said. That small smile didn't quite leave his face and though he didn't feel better after that last bit, he relaxed a little. He still wanted to go home, still wanted to get involved where he could, but he wouldn't tell her that, not now. If they made their way home at some point, maybe? Where they forever stuck here? Maybe Justice wasn't weaker, maybe he was twisting further into something else? "I'm sorry, Hawke."

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victimofaname
2019-07-09 10:47 pm UTC (link)

"For what?" She asked, honestly and without any sort of malice. He got angry and then Justice spoke up, but both of them listened to her. It was something. Even Fenris had to be dragged off his poor sister (someone she still doubted had had much choice in the whole 'become a magister's apprentice' bit). Justice listened at least and hadn't acted. If she'd let him, sure, but the proof was that he hadn't. The spirit and her would never get along, never be friends but the spirit trusted her word. It was something. A whole bit of something.

Then she stepped back and let go. She knew her friends well, and who liked physical contact. Merrill and her sister had always been the ones to go for hugs at the easiest provocation, Isabela took it as a chance to flirt (but then again she took everything as a chance to flirt), Aveline would tolerate but nto seek it out and while Fenris shied from touch like it'd burn him (he'd explained a little once and she wasn't far off) Anders seemed to not like it too much. And she never pushed. She thought he could use a hug or two but she respected people's boundaries.

At least she'd gotten a laugh out of him, and that part of him that hadn't quite gone away. Considering he had a nice smile she tried bringing out as often as she could. "So much worse in Weisshaupt. Oh we don't need your help serah, don't mind the suspicious amount of shit we're doing it's Grey Warden business." She rolled her eyes. "I wasn't made for politics. I stab things. Dagger goes in, problem solved when dagger goes out." Then she grinned, "Isabela'd make the joke so in her honour; not the only thing that goes in and out." It was a terrible joke, but she couldn't help it.

But she'd heard the shock and honestly she caved easy. He was a mage. He heard demons every time he closed his eyes. Or did, before Justice. "There is someone with worse luck then me. I know, miracle they're still breathing but the Inquisitor manages. So yeah. Physically into the Fade. Kind of fell, actually." She collected her thoughts, wondering how to put it. "This was a demon's lair, I don't know if that made it different from the usual but it was...quiet." She frowned, "like no air, no birds. Just our footsteps. It was very...green. It's hard to put into words. And then you know, the demon set out his minions. Manifestations of fears. So many spiders." The Inquisitor had claimed to see spiders, so when asked Hawke had said she'd seen them too. It hadn't been spiders. It'd been the blank faces of her mother and her brother, both of them torn and bloody. It'd been him, Beth and Merrill all wearing the sun brand of Tranquil. But that she'd never share. "I saw the Black City though. It was the weirdest thing. No matter where we were, it was there. In the distance, mind, but there." She shuddered then waved her hand. She'd indulged because she was easily talked into it. "Might have felt different if I was a mage maybe." Still, she was rather grateful she wasn't. Maker knew what it could have done to her.

She cleared her throat and crossed her arms. There'd be dreams whenever she managed to get to bed she knew that. But she'd do worse for people she cared for then recollect a very weird side trip. "so that was me for five years. It is good seeing you though, I've been worried. And I'd like it back to where it used to be. Just, trust me this time?" That had hurt the worst, somehow. That he hadn't. "Can you try that? Because you're not getting rid of me."

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healthespirit
2019-07-12 03:01 pm UTC (link)

How did he put into words what he was sorry for without embarrassing himself? There was a couple things he should have said it for, most he refused to do. Anders had said as much to Hawke's cousin recently on that 'web' thing, and had meant it. He would not apologize for taking the chance of another 'compromise' away from the templars and the circle. He would not apologize for Justice, taking him into his body or killing as many templars as he had. Being a shitty friend, though? That wasn't something Hawke or Solona deserved, even if he were closer to one than the other. If they expected apologies for the others, like Fenris or Cullen, they would wait a very long time. For now, he'd try. "For disappearing." Simple and short. Hopefully she didn't ask him to continue on it because he could feel a ramble coming with that topic. Who knew that happened for something other than justice for the mages?

Though he hadn't always been one for physical contact after the circles and his treatment there, he almost missed the feeling of strong fingers on his shoulders. Comfort he didn't normally even think about wanting. Even so, he was glad Hawke had stepped back with that joke in Isabela's honor, a quiet sort of noise coming from the mage. He'd almost forgot about the pirate. Then again, how did one forget someone like her? Must have been the excitement of going from blowing up a Chantry, offering to take down the woman in charge of the templars in Kirkwall then being kidnapped into a world that had nothing he knew in it. Other than the people. He was starting to wonder when the others would be popping up, honestly. Who else could come around to torture him? Not that Anders wanted to think about that. At least the Tevinter mage hadn't tried to talk to him, though he'd heard rumors of him being here. He didn't think he could take that. "Ah, the best jokes in all of Thedas." He was in a bit of a quieter mood now, thanks to the contact grounding him a little better.

"That's what it looks like sometimes. A greenish glow, or goldish." From what he could tell from other mages, it always seemed to be one of those two colors as the main scheme. There were a lot of question he had but he wasn't sure that piling them on her was the best idea. "The nightmare demon would look deep into you mind, find what you are most afraid of, and use it." What would it be for him, with Justice in his head? For some reason that completely escaped logic, Anders almost wished he could have been there for himself. Just to see. How stupid was that? His curiosity was something that would kill him one day - it was also what lead to him taking Justice into his body in the first place. "It would have been different. A constant pressure, most likely. A demon that large? The influence is unimaginable." To say he was very glad she wasn't a mage was an understatement right now. What would have happened with her if she had been? If he had been there, would he have been a help or a hindrance? The whole thing made him rub at his face again, a habit he seemed to be picking up quite a bit now that he was here.

"I -" Back to the regret swamping him, a heavy swallow required before he could continue with what he wanted to say, honeyed eyes dropping a bit. "I trusted you before, Hawke." But he hadn't wanted it to be on her. Only him. If he had involved her further than he already had, it would have been on her head, too.

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victimofaname
2019-07-12 03:58 pm UTC (link)

It did say a lot, and she understood the explanation. Mostly anyway. So she sighed," well. I...it's not alright but I understand. You did what you felt you had to. I can't really say much about it, considering I've done that too." It had been more or less her Kirkwall life. Everyone seemed to want to have her make the decisions, even if she was unqualified. "It worried the hell out of me, but again understandable from your point." She had had five years to consider it all. In his shoes she would have done the same. She had, in parts. "Do I wish you'd written? Sure but I can see why you didn't. Can't be too fun to keep writing 'dear Hawke, still hiding' all the time." She tried to make it into a joke, "but counterpoint? Even Fenris wrote, and literally all that is is 'dear Hawke, still killing Tevinter slavers'." She rolled her eyes, showing what she thought of Fenris' very peculiar way to earning himself more enemies. Then she shrugged. "And that is all I will say of it. Please don't do it again."

As broken as Kirkwall and the rest had made her, she'd never stop being herself. Which included an easy forgiveness around those she cared for, and easy acceptance. "She's calling herself an Admiral now. Helping the Inquisition. Has a really dumb hat, but don't tell her I said that because apparently it's just the style." She gave in explanation to Isabela and smiled to the recollection. She missed her other sisters. She missed them all, really. Kirkwall had been awful and stripped her to her bones and left very little behind but there had been good moments. It had been a home, because it had been the people. Now she was wandering again.

At his explanation of the Fade she turned to listen. "Well it's shit. Tell them to redesign it. Oh and water too? Like lots of it." She'd liked green too. As much of a fuss as she'd put up whenever her mother had all but dragged her to fancy parties she had known what colours flattered her. Green had always been one that looked striking on her. She'd never wear it again now, and it was an odd sort of thing to lose. "It was unimaginable. Big. Like nothing I've seen before. How do they get so big? I've seen demons before, they've always been smaller." She was curious about that.

She'd almost mentioned she'd offered to stay behind when he deflated again. "Not enough," she didn't hide the pain in her voice and she kept looking at him. "I was involved with the underground same as you. I have the same stakes in that game Anders. Beth's a Warden, and that's the only thing keeping her out of a Circle right now and I still worry it won't be enough, that someone'll drag her to one of those prisons and make her feel terrible about her magic. And that'll just be the least they could do to her. My Father spend his entire life looking over his shoulder, and never spoke of his time in the Gallows, and that was even before Meredith even came to power. If I'd had children," a regret there and she'd taken the choice from Beth too. The Hawke's would die because of her, "the chances of them being mages would have been high. And there hasn't been a world invented I'd have let them come to any harm. There isn't a world now where I'd let anyone hurt Beth, or you, or Merrill. I smuggled people out, I tried using my influence to curb Meredith." She frowned, "is it because she had me working for her?" That she could see. "It wasn't like I waltzed into the Gallows and said 'hello Meredith my pal, let's join forces'. She held you and Merrill over my head. She knew where the two of you were. And even then, even then I made sure those poor souls she send me to find found a way out. I'll give it to you that it was like fighting a flood, and with Elthina not lifting a finger it wasn't exactly making it easy. And yes there needed to be change, and something had to change but there could have been another way." She sighed, "I had a point with all that. Think it's that I don't think you see how much I'm on your side."

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healthespirit
2019-07-15 12:24 am UTC (link)

"I couldn't have written, being taken from the point in time I was. I would have reached out to you, when I felt I could." He froze up a little at the mention of Fenris, but tried not to show it too much. The two of them would always be on opposite sides of the field, fence, what have you. He could sort of understand the elf's opinion and why he had it, but they would never be friends. The moment was quickly over as she continued, Anders blinking twice in a row before shaking his head. There was no way he could avoid her here, not when they lived in the same quarters. There would have been a type where that would have been a little scandalous, but here? Everything seemed different and not what he expected.

There had been a larger smile at the mention of Isabela, imagining the tanned woman in his mind, looking exactly as Hawke had said. Proud, at the helm of a ship she called her own, still vulgar and unapologetic. If he would miss anyone else, it would be her and Varric at the top of the list.

At the talk of the fade once more, however, the smile dimmed and he shrugged a little. "I can imagine." Some of the ones he saw when he closed his eyes, at times, were different sizes. What they presented themselves as in dreams and what they actually looked like? It would be very different. In dreams, they were trying to seduce the mage in question, coming in all forms, big or small, anything that would work. From the few that had shown their actual size, they were something. "The Nightmare demons are the most powerful of the fear demons. Rare and few. From what I've researched, they feed from the fear brought by the Blight." From anyone that feared it, humans, mages, elves, the Wardens. "It makes sense that it would help Corypheus." Anders trailed off as he thought about it, his eyes looking through his friend for a moment before shaking his head again. He'd been babbling and he didn't want to think about that too much. Not right now.

With that note of pain in her voice, Anders felt guilt like he hadn't before. "I didn't want it to be on your head, only mine." She had helped him, true, but she had so much already." He fell silent as she continued, and continued more. He hadn't known her to be one to ramble, like he did sometimes, but a damn had broken. It was her chance to tell him everything she had wanted to, all these years, and he stayed silent until she stopped, eyes a little wide. "What I told you then is still true, Hawke. It would never have changed unless something drastic happened." With a pause, the mage took a step forward, circling his arms around the rouge before pulling her in close to him. A rare hug he wasn't sure had ever happened like this. "I didn't leave you out because I didn't trust you. It was because Justice and I wanted to take the blame squarely on our shoulders."

As if on cue, his skin sparked and died, a second of difference that was barely there. Justice didn't agree with Anders' relationships with other people, said they were a distraction to what they needed to do together, but Anders pushed through when he needed to, ignored him where he could. "I'm sorry Hawke, I really am."

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victimofaname
2019-07-15 05:55 am UTC (link)

"Semantics," she gave with a trademark grin. "You never did for me. I'm totally holding you to it." She was joking, and it showed. She could easily see how it could have happened. The whole 'when I felt I could' just hadn't happened. He'd get himself wrapped up in everything, and think the guilt of everything would be too much to overcome. He might even think she was better off without him. She could imagine that, because she had the same train of thoughts too. She'd only asked about him after a year, and only pressed more after she'd seen Varric again.

If the Nightmare demons fed on the fear of the Blight, it would explain a lot. How it could manipulate things so the warden's would feel the Calling for one, because it hadn't actually done that. It had just increased their fear until it had felt like a Calling. It was ingenious in the awfulness of it. And if was true Corypheus was one of the ones who'd brought the Blight with him, then the Nightmare would owe it's existence to him. It felt like cards all working out in front of her mind, placing themselves down into a winning hand. "What'd happen, theoretically, if you stayed in the Fade. Physically." You were supposed to go there in dreams, but it was very much it's own thing. And granted if she had stayed behind she was fairly sure the giant spider thing would have finished her off but say she could have beaten it (which she couldn't have; no one was that good)then what? Would she have been stuck there, eternally, until she'd died of hunger or thirst. "Is there a way out?" The Warden was still there, after all. Maybe they'd not died. Maybe they were in that awful place, wandering.

The hug caught her a bit off guard, but she relaxed into it immediately. This was a rare thing, and one she wouldn't pass up. With a sigh she wrapped her arms around him, pretending like the spark hadn't happened. She could tell him it wasn't just on his head, that every time people knew of the book she got questions. Everyone and their dog seemed to think they would have noticed and stopped both the chantry thing, and her mother's murder. And she held blame for it herself, put it on her own shoulders because maybe they were right. But it wouldn't serve anything but add to Anders' guilt and she wasn't cruel enough to do that. Instead she just said, "you're idiots, both of you." More intertwined they might be but she saw Justice as it's own thing. She just wished Anders wouldn't listen to the spirit so much, would allow other voices. And wouldn't see her as such a distraction. "I know," she gave to the apology. "Let's just leave it by. We'll go on from here. I think first on is figuring out what the hell is going on around here. I don't trust this entity as far as I can throw it. You're the escape artist, figure us a way out. I'll think of a plan." She couldn't just let them all stay in this odd place. It felt like a prison. A big one, to be sure but you didn't need to see the bars to know when there were ones. "And stop hiding would you. I will seriously break in your quarters and sit on you if you think you can escape. You need other people, I don't care what Justice says." She drew back some then, leaving her hands on his shoulders and looked. "He's a shit, but he's got my help too. I don't know how you and my cousin are still tied to the fade, and it scares me to death to think that something might happen where that might not be the case anymore." She couldn't fight Tranquility and she wished she could be sure it wouldn't happen here "We'll need to figure something out to make sure you don't burn out either. There's no lyrium to boost you. So if you know anything Justice," she gave with half a smirk, "you can get over your pompous self and help me out. I know you're listening." She gave Anders a smile and a shrug that wasn't apologetic at all. "So that's step one. Get you and my cousin sorted. I'll need coin too, but something'll come up. It always does" she frowned, thinking. It was easy really to set her worries about herself aside and focus on others. This is what she did.

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healthespirit
2019-07-15 11:47 pm UTC (link)

Guilt radiated again through his body at those words, and like he was good at, Anders did his best to shove those feelings down again. She might have been joking and he might have smiled at it, but it didn't change how many mistakes he had made. Would he have actually written to her once he had settled somewhere like he had in Kirkwall? He couldn't imagine not having any kind of contact with her after everything they had gone through, but the situation was different now than what it probably could have been if he hadn't been brought here.

"I-" A pause, real thought being put into the mage's answer. Being physically in the fade hadn't seemed possible by regular mages in the first place. "Before what you said, I did not know if possible to be in the fade physically. If one stayed there, they would die. If there was escape, it might bring the Blight again, but different. I am not even sure how the original Tevinter mages got there." He had been afraid to research too much while in the circles and while he was out, there had only been brief moments in time where he had the actual time. Kirkwall had been different, after he met Hawke, but it didn't take long for that to shatter as well. There had been peace for him since he'd been a child. With everyone together, before he lost control over Justice and he was made into something dark. As an adult, it had been one of the happiest times he'd had as an adult, if the only.

He knew the spirit didn't agree with them being an idiot if they were doing what was right and just, but Anders didn't say anything and Jusitce didn't make another physical appearance. It was almost as if he were sulking. They were pretty much entwined with one another but they still had separate thoughts. Sometimes, at least. They tended to agree on a lot, yes, but they still had times of being their own. Like being near Hawke and feeling sentimental. Not hearing his voice was impossible, especially with him making so much sense to the mage, but sometimes he wished it was lesser. Not so much there. Would he have not made his offer if he had known what would happen between him and his friend? Maybe. The what if's were something Anders thought about often, even when he tired not to.

His thoughts were broken as she spoke, a soft smile on his lips for the moment. He was a bit of an escape artist, even if he still got caught time and time again. Even with that, he still managed to get away again. How many escapes had he managed from the circle? Seven? That seemed about right. "I can't promise not to hide, but I can try to help find a way out." It wasn't that Justice didn't think they needed other people, but most people tended to get in the way of their goals, at one point or another. Being distracted by friendships that weren't allied one hundred to what they were trying to do wasn't worth it, to the spirit. Romance, friendship. It got in the way of making the mages free in whatever way possible. When Hawke pulled back again, he frowned at her comments but didn't say anything much towards it. "It's like it is and isn't. We can still use magic, Justice is still here, but I can't feel it's presence." It was odd, something he didn't really like or understand. There was no lyrium. Not for the mages and not for the templars. What happened to them without it? He didn't worry for their health, just a curiosity. He didn't care, not really. "We'll figure it out."

Did he sound a little more sure of himself than he felt? Maybe.

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victimofaname
2019-07-16 12:21 am UTC (link)

She let him go and went to sit down again. She'd gone through everything she'd wanted to say, everything she'd promised she'd tell him next time she saw him and felt better for it. Things were more cleared up now. She would do what she could to ensure Justice didn't have the last word. She didn't care if she was a distraction because here, there weren't really mages in trouble. Yes they were all trapped, and she had an idea that if anything she could count on Justice to help them out there, but she wondered if he knew he'd have really nothing to sink his time into. She wondered if Justice would let Anders figure that out, or if she'd need to drag him out for sunshine and actual company.

"Tell you this, I'll let you have your moments of solitude. I can't actually blame you for wanting peace because I give you exactly two weeks to figure out how much fun I actually am in close quarters. I'm so much worse at mothering people when they're actually present. But if you keep it too long, I will break in. And we'll find out how mages sleep now don't we?" She gave a wicked grin and a wink, because she couldn't quite help it. She wasn't nearly as bad as Isabela, but she would flirt. She respected the answer he'd given her all those years back, but it seemed harmless enough. And it wasn't the worst line she could have used. "So unless you're keen to waking up with me staring, come out your room. It's a lot less painful. Besides the King of Fereldan is our bunkmate, who else will help me give him shit? It won't be my cousin, I know that. This is literally the one place where I can sass royalty and it not bite me in the ass." And she trusted Anders to tell her when she got too much. "Besides that there's also a chance to get some good done. We can hammer out something for the mages. He can't go against the Chantry, not directly, but there are things we can get out of him. I think he has a horse in that race anyway, what with my cousin."

"Generally, yes. Let it not be said I like any of this." Then she frowned, recalling what he'd said before about the Fade. "How long could someone last you think? And I don't think you're right with the bringing back the Blight thing. I would have it otherwise, and I was cleared by the Wardens and I'm not getting sick." She shrugged, "we left someone behind there. One of Beth's Warden friends. The choice was them or me, and while I'm not exactly sure the right choice was made, I feel at least somewhat responsible. I can't do much here, but I'd want to find a way to get them out, if they're still alive. Chances are low but even if they died I'd want to bring them home." She stared off into space because she still felt like it should have been her. "I'd want to come home I think, if It'd been me. I mean, something to be said about going down like that but being there forever? S'not right. And seeing it was my fault well I have to try." Idly she set her fingers over the tattoo on her neck, where the image of her namesake was. She hadn't thought about it much, what it would have been like for Beth to get the letter that Hawke would not be coming home and while technically the Warden hadn't had any family, she knew well enough sometimes you made your own. And every day she regretted not being able to send off Carver properly. She wanted to do this part right. And the Nightmare demon would be somewhat weakened. She hoped if there was a way, it would be a quick thing. But she doubted it. Her luck never quite ran that well.

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healthespirit
2019-07-18 03:43 am UTC (link)

A calmness he hadn't felt in a very long time was starting to touch his mind and he took a breath, unburdened with too much stress. From what he'd read on this computer thing, breathing exercises could actually help with almost anything. Once he got a little more accustomed to the world here, enough that he didn't want to just hide in his overly nice bed, he should make it his mission to figure out a way to go home. Anders and Justice still had people they needed to help, even with everything else. They could see about the ending of the Inquisition, even with Hawke saying it was over. Could he find a home back in Thedas? Was it even safe for him to return?

Then again, Hawke was one to get under his skin, in a good way or bad. Right now, he could feel his face heating a little bit at her words, a kind of laugh coming out of him at that. She was bad enough at trying to take care of them all when they weren't in the same area. How could she get worse? Would he really wake up with her hovering over him like some kind of nightmare? That part of him that was still wicked, even after all that had happened, rose up and made his lips twitch, made him want to test that theory. "That's not the worst thing to wake up to, really." A little shrug, telling her he was trying to be a little playful, in the very least. There wasn't anything he could do about their current situation right now and he could do a lot worse than being stuck with one of the only people he'd made a real friendship with. People used mages for all kinds of things but she hadn't actually done any of that. She had offered him a hand and, eventually, he'd taken it. What would have happened if they hadn't struck that first deal? Would he still be in Kirkwall, slaving away in the shadows? Maybe. Most likely not. Anyone else would have killed him afterwards, let Anders achieve the status of martyr like he'd wanted. "He can whisper ideas and not get credit." Would Alistair actually sit down with him, after everything? Sit down with Justice? Maybe if Solona asked him to. He'd promised to try, promised to give the King a chance now that he was moved on from being a Templar. Maybe this would work.

"The longer a person survives there, I can only imagine what that would do. Especially to someone tied to darkspawn." He paused, watching as she seemed to be seeing something else, or just spacing out in the moment. As she continued, he understood the guilt. "Do you think it should have been you, in his place?" He was moving to sit back down as well, feeling a touch awkward. Once sat, he ran a hand through his hair, distantly noting that it was a little longer than it should be. "I don't know what happens when someone dies in the fade. They might have to open a tear again to get him out." If they fell through a tear, they might have to do that again to get him out. Or the demons would have to push him out? Justice wasn't being any kind of help with this, either, stubborn spirit he was. "If it means anything, I'm glad you made it back."

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victimofaname
2019-07-18 04:44 am UTC (link)

She grinned when he returned the casual flirt. It showed, really, how much he was listening to Justice. There were times he'd shove people away. Whenever he showed more of himself was when she knew he was at least allowing himself friendship. She could say more, could give another comment but instead she just grinned at him. She was good with locks, and these seemed to be easy enough to figure out. She'd try her own door first, to get a handle on things. "But in that spirit, my door is open at any time. I might be keen on murder if it's the dead of the night, but if you need me I'll push it aside valiantly." Whatever sense of propriety she might have once had, the army had shed it pretty quick. She'd been a volunteer for a half hearted attempt at aid, privacy hadn't been something that had been easy to find. And she'd shared a tiny room with Beth and her mother, that first year in Kirkwall. "Granted I know you'll probably not want to be a bother or think you don't need it but if I don't make the offer I'll feel bad." She'd need to make the offer to the other two as well. She didn't know the last person they were sharing quarters with, but she figured it would change in time. And her door would be open to all, and she wouldn't play favorites.

She straightened then and nodded. She tended to joke around a lot, make herself look more foolish, or let her temper get the best of her. And with many she'd always pretended she hadn't understood them, like she was no better then the insults they gave her. It was all carefully crafted so people wouldn't look at her mage companions, as the more they looked at her the less they'd see them. She was smarter then she gave away, and her sense of politics had been crafted by the nightmare that had been Krikwall and Varric's tutoring. If she'd ever picked up the crown of Viscount, she'd have been formidable with it but she'd known that if she had, Meredith would have killed her and dragged her mages off to that prison. "If we can convince my cousin to return to court with him, it'll make things better. She's already a prime example of what a mage can be. She has titles, and with that we could get restrictions lessened." She held up her hands, "it'll be slow, and I think the first step could be letting mages who do have families be able to go home. The biggest obstacle to it is the Templars, but according to the Inquisition the Nevarran Accord was broken. If we can convince our gracious majesty to use that we can send them packing." She clasped her hands, "I don't think you'll like this but I think we'll always need Circles. Not the prisons, obviously, but even Beth needed to be taught not to create lightning every time she sneezed. I'd not want any mage to be afraid of what they can do, but to understand it. And to be taught how to be careful around demons. If we do it right, they'll be schools. I mean, Rivain seems to manage quite well."

She frowned at his comment. "Well, shit." And then that question and she looked away. "Corypheus was my fault. I should have considered that anything that needed that many layers of locks around it couldn't have just died. I let that monster out, and he broke the world. The Warden, they have knowledge, and were one of the only ones who hadn't gone batshit. That sort of leadership is hard to find." She was carefully not looking at Anders. He'd see too much otherwise. "I don't think the right call was made, no. I'm just me, and I'm not saying that to discount what I've done. I know I changed things but comparatively? It doesn't add up." Then she smiled and looked back at him, pushing everything away. "I'm glad I'm back too. Would have made a good story though."

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