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Are you fucking Sirius? (beingsirius) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-07-11 17:57:00

Entry tags:

remus lupin, sirius black

Who: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin
What: Just some bad feels, man
Where: Their place
When: July 10th
Rating: tbd? Low and sad?

It wasn’t like Sirius never got mad — he did. He did plenty, in fact. But he was usually so, so good at hiding it. At brushing it off under the rug and putting on a smile that he’d keep there until he forgot his anger or it faded enough to not matter anymore. He’d done it all the way through his younger life, had put on a firm, uncaring smile every single time he’d had to go back home from Hogwarts for a holiday. He’d done it the entire summer that he’d ran away from home.

But this was different, he supposed. Because Moony wasn’t someone he felt good being angry with — he wasn’t someone he ever wanted to run away from or smile sloppily about in order to forget.

Maybe he could have hid that, at least. Put on a brave face because he knew, of course he knew, that Remus was frightened and he was trying to be pragmatic about things like he always was; well organized and thinking ahead and not leaving room for error whenever he could help it. Sirius knew that — but there was simply no way he would have taken reading that post well at the best of times and this was not the best of times. Sirius felt ill beyond measure and had spent the last several days laying around with weak limbs and a sense of nausea that just wouldn’t quit.

So he was mad and he was miserable and if Remus didn’t come and find him as requested, Sirius was going to get up and find him himself and then throw up on him in revenge that he felt would be perfectly reasonable.

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beingsirius
2019-07-14 10:43 pm UTC (link)

Sirius thought it had been more than fair that Dumbledore had kept it a secret, because it'd given Remus the chance to go to school when he otherwise wouldn't have been allowed. Because otherwise they wouldn't have met, and they wouldn't be here right now. And even with Sirius being one wrong word away from bursting out into angry anxiety ridden tears, he still wouldn't have changed it for anything.

And as ever, Remus thought too negatively of the whole of himself. No amounts of reassurance would ever stop Remus from hating that portion of himself, Sirius knew, try as he might.

Sirius huffed out his disdain for Remus' response and moved to push himself up to sitting, even though doing so made him go through a wave of dizziness where he just swayed in place for a moment. He didn't let it stop him though, because one couldn't argue properly whilst laying flat on a bed, it simply wasn't possible. "Precautionary would have been contacting a few trustworthy people and -- Remus goddamnit, you've bloody gone and cried wolf. Do you think these muggles won't respond with pitchforks and fire?"

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lonewolfen
2019-07-15 02:58 pm UTC (link)

Remus wouldn't have traded his time at Hogwarts for anything. Selfish as that might have been, it was true. Because yes, he was able to meet Sirius and in doing so he'd found that he could have actual friends and that there were people in the world who could know what he was and not think the worst of him. He'd learned how to fall in love and he'd found his soulmate in Sirius Black. Logical as he was, that was something he believed in with all of his heart. Not to mention -- Remus had come to learn he was actually a very skilled, talented wizard, too. He'd never boast about it, but it was something he never would've been able to explore had Dumbledore not extended him an invitation to come to the school. But, despite all of that -- what their former Headmaster had done was dangerous. It wasn't the only thing Remus had come to learn that Dumbledore had done that put the lives of others at risk. Remus had very conflicted views and opinions of Albus Dumbledore -- but that was another story for another day.

Sirius could tell him until he turned blue in the face that Moony wasn't that bad, that it was fun to run through the forest, that Moony and Padfoot shared a bond like theirs. It would all fall on deaf ears. Even knowing from his research and from experience that not fighting the wolf during the transition made it easier and less painful wouldn't stop Remus from trying to hold it off as long as possible every single time. He hated what he was. He always would. And if he hated the wolf, how could he expect anyone else to accept him?

When Sirius sat up, so did Remus. "Well, maybe they should, Sirius," he said. "They have a right to defend themselves. You can't expect them to just sit in their houses hoping Moony doesn't burst in to kill them." That was how Remus himself had been bitten, while sleeping in his bed. "But I.. I don't think they will. No one responded saying that they were going to outright attack. Most of them wanted to know what they could do to help."

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beingsirius
2019-07-15 10:27 pm UTC (link)

They weren't going to get anywhere like this, arguing in such a cyclical manner. Sirius was going to be mad and accuse Remus of not thinking enough of himself (them) and Remus was going to say it was for the best and everyone needed to be prepared for the worst and Sirius--

Sirius was just going to get more amped and angry every time they completed the circle and started going around again. And frankly, he just didn't know what to do with it, not this time. Because he'd argued with Remus before, of course he had, but it'd never been like this. And it had never been after they'd unleashed The Thing.

He told himself that it was because he felt so awful that he didn't know how to deal with this, that he was so wildly emotional, but there was a small part of him that knew he'd be this dramatic any time, except maybe louder. He inhaled loud through his nose, practically a sniff and had to bite at the inside of his cheek again, because he was entirely too close to tears and no one wanted that. "What should I do?"

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lonewolfen
2019-07-16 12:28 pm UTC (link)

This -- this going back and forth, round and round, arguing had been the reality Remus had been living with Sirius for months before the end of the war. Remus would disappear, come back, he and Sirius would shout, bicker, argue, cling to each other, Sirius would plead for honesty, Remus would plead for trust, they'd hold each other until they started fighting again or one or the other would storm out. They'd throw their feelings in each other's faces which was really the worst sort of ammo, but that was usually what would make the actual fighting stop. But even in that time, they'd not unleashed The Thing the way they had here. They were both now so open about it that it was easier than breathing. They'd never fought while those feelings were so out there and exposed.

It hurt. It made this so much harder because they both were so much more inclined to shut out the things that made them vulnerable but now they could never do that. It hurt so much more to fight when all he wanted to do was tell Sirius how much he loved him and kiss away the tears that threatened to fall from his beautiful eyes.

Maybe -- well, maybe he should do that. Sirius looked like he was out of options, out of things to argue, that he didn't want to argue anymore and neither did Remus. They were stuck in a shitty situation they couldn't get out of but at least they had each other. They had their bond and they had The Thing that they ought to be relying on in a time like this.

"You should come here," he said, and reached out to pull him closer to him. "Come here and let me hold you a bit." He embraced his true love and shut his eyes. "I love you," he whispered. "It's going to be okay. I assure you, love, you and I can get through worse than this. I've seen it." He pressed his lips to Sirius' forehead and then the top of his head. "Trust me, will you?"

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beingsirius
2019-07-17 01:42 am UTC (link)

Sirius was out of options, and he hated that. He really, really did because he felt like that so very rarely. The last time he'd felt that way, he'd up and left the situation he was in completely -- had shown up on James' door at ass o'clock at night because he hadn't really known where else to go.

But this wasn't like that. This wasn't a situation where he wanted to leave -- which probably explained the near tears, actually. So when Remus suggested he come there, when he reached for him, Sirius decided the only thing he really could do, the only viable option, was do to exactly that. So he pressed his face into the curve of Remus' neck, liking how cool he felt in comparison, and inhaled long and slow.

"Yeah," he said eventually, small and a little on the petulant side, but he was agreeing anyway. "I do. You know I do. Love you too."

Because of course he did.

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