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Are you fucking Sirius? (beingsirius) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-07-11 17:57:00

Entry tags:

remus lupin, sirius black

Who: Sirius Black, Remus Lupin
What: Just some bad feels, man
Where: Their place
When: July 10th
Rating: tbd? Low and sad?

It wasn’t like Sirius never got mad — he did. He did plenty, in fact. But he was usually so, so good at hiding it. At brushing it off under the rug and putting on a smile that he’d keep there until he forgot his anger or it faded enough to not matter anymore. He’d done it all the way through his younger life, had put on a firm, uncaring smile every single time he’d had to go back home from Hogwarts for a holiday. He’d done it the entire summer that he’d ran away from home.

But this was different, he supposed. Because Moony wasn’t someone he felt good being angry with — he wasn’t someone he ever wanted to run away from or smile sloppily about in order to forget.

Maybe he could have hid that, at least. Put on a brave face because he knew, of course he knew, that Remus was frightened and he was trying to be pragmatic about things like he always was; well organized and thinking ahead and not leaving room for error whenever he could help it. Sirius knew that — but there was simply no way he would have taken reading that post well at the best of times and this was not the best of times. Sirius felt ill beyond measure and had spent the last several days laying around with weak limbs and a sense of nausea that just wouldn’t quit.

So he was mad and he was miserable and if Remus didn’t come and find him as requested, Sirius was going to get up and find him himself and then throw up on him in revenge that he felt would be perfectly reasonable.

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lonewolfen
2019-07-12 07:47 pm UTC (link)

Remus knew as he was writing his message to the town that Sirius was going to be very against it. At least, the latter half when he consented to the idea of drastic measures regarding his life needing to be taken. It was a terrible cost, and a price no one should have to pay. But at the same time, Remus couldn't put his life above anyone else's. And if he came back from the full moon to realize he'd actually killed someone? Remus would never recover from that.

It wasn't as though he had a death wish. He hadn't said for anyone to kill him on sight. It was just.. a last resort.

Of course he knew Sirius would have a reaction about it. That was why he'd written it while he was at the library and not at home. A little cowardly, perhaps, but Sirius would've probably taken his device and thrown it if he'd seen what he was writing before he sent it to the township. The response he'd gotten overall had surprised Remus a little. No one was shunning him for being a werewolf; they were more just asking what they could do. That part was a bit more promising. The response Sirius gave came as no surprise, however.

It was the first time he'd been on the receiving end of his anger in this world, but certainly not from his own timeline. Sirius yelled at him plenty before the end of the war. Every time it broke Remus' heart a little more. And wasn't this more of the same? Remus was acting in a way he thought was best to keep Sirius safe. The context was different, but the result was still the same. Sirius was yelling at him, hurt and upset and Remus completely understood. He wasn't going to fight him about his feelings. He wasn't going to fight him at all.

He left the library, tattered shoulder bag slung over him and set off for their home. Remus had left things in order for the next few days, as he didn't intend to go back until after the full moon. He was going to start falling ill soon and he needed to prepare for that, as Sirius was already in bad shape and Remus did not want him or James having to step in to take care of him this time around.

Remus arrived home, hung up his bag and shut the door. Naturally, he went right to where Sirius was and sat beside where he was lying down. Without hesitation, he started to stroke and pet his hair, just as he'd been asked to do. "You can shout, if you need to. It's all right."

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beingsirius
2019-07-13 01:31 am UTC (link)

Of course Sirius would have tried stopping it. He definitely would have tossed that idiot phone away from his idiot boyfriend if he'd have known what was going on, or if Remus had been brave enough to try writing it in the same room as him.

Well, ideally it should never have gotten to that point because he should have just come to Sirius first and maybe then they could have gone over to the mayor and the corn chip's house and seen what they could do about it first before airing all their business out to the general undeserving public.

He was getting riled up just thinking about it again and he really, really hated that because he already felt like pure, hot rubbish. Blearily, he blinked his eyes open to frown up at Remus. Stupid, idiot Remus who he loved so goddamned dearly that he was furious at him for ever even proposing the idea that he might not -- that he. Nope. Sirius wasn't going there.

"I'm not going to shout," he said, leaning forward to press his his forehead into Remus' thigh.

He might shout. It wasn't actually off the table yet.

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lonewolfen
2019-07-13 08:39 pm UTC (link)

Remus could understand Sirius' point of view. He really could. And maybe if he'd taken his concerns to Tony first they could've kept this all more quiet and between only a few people. But there was a risk involved in that. He knew from what he'd read on the network that so many people in town were sick. If he had to guess, he'd say plenty of people Tony cared for were struck with illness, too. He didn't need to be the only person concerned or stressed over what to do about Remus' furry little problem.

So instead, he'd addressed the whole town. That way, anyone who was able and well enough to help defend those who couldn't and themselves would know what was going on. And maybe, there might be some who could help keep Moony contained and otherwise occupied. Of course there were risks involved there, too. Remus knew there was a chance he might not survive the night, but he had a bit of a different perspective on death than Sirius. He'd seen far more of it, especially in the past few years. He'd faced Death Eaters and found himself on the wrong end of plenty of wands, barely making it out of Order missions alive. He'd run side by side with death whenever he ran with Greyback's pack. He needed to remember that Sirius hadn't experienced any of that yet. But even with all that experience, Remus didn't think it would make a difference. They'd still be in this position, they'd still be at odds about it.

Lest he not forget, if something put Sirius in a life or death predicament, Remus would not be so calm about it either. But that was exactly why he'd told Sirius it was all right for him to shout if he needed to.

"The offer still stands," he said, while passing his fingers through his soft, dark hair. "I almost wish you would. Don't hold back. I know you're upset with me. It won't do you any good to bottle it up." His fingers traveled just a bit to brush against his cheek and jaw, before finding their way to his neck and back up the base of his head to his scalp again. "I'll still love you, no matter what you say."

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beingsirius
2019-07-13 10:19 pm UTC (link)

Thing was, it wasn't about Remus putting Sirius in a life or death predicament, it was about where Sirius placed himself and no one in the room was stupid enough to believe that it wouldn't be at Remus' side. At least, no one should have been anyway.

Yelling might have normally made him feel better. And a good amount of pacing too, probably. But now simply wasn't the time for it, lest he topple over and look more like an idiot which was the last damn thing he wanted right now. So he just sighed and then bit at the inside of his mouth until he tasted blood because it was the only way he could stop himself going off the rails. Remus might have wanted it, but Sirius, for once, didn't think just shouting was going to solve anything. Not this time.

Remus' fingers felt good in his hair, relaxing and perfect and was all he really wanted right now. Just this.

Too bad, he figured. "I love you," he said after a long beat, the silence stretching long and uncomfortable. And it was a fact, but Sirius' tone somehow made it the saddest of facts.

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lonewolfen
2019-07-13 10:45 pm UTC (link)

Yelling was easier. Yelling he could handle because he knew Sirius so well. It didn't mean he wanted Sirius to be angry with him but getting those emotions out, exerting what he was feeling and getting his point across was better than holding it all in. It was when the yelling stopped that Remus grew more anxious, more worried. That had happened in one of their last encounters before the end of the war. Neither of them had it in them to yell anymore. The fight for each other hadn't died but they were exhausted and desperate and Remus had been so close to just clinging to Sirius and telling him how much he loved him but that sheer, raw instinct of needing to protect him had kicked in at the last second and forced him to walk out the door instead.

Now this; this was different. Maybe if Sirius wasn't so ill he would've gone off on Remus and they could've sorted this out in a way they were both familiar with. But they were in a very different set of circumstances and a very unique environment. The one constant, however, was that Remus loved Sirius so deeply, so truly, and he knew that love was reciprocated the very same. Being able to say it and express it so freely had been such a gift, the best, what he'd wanted for so long. But because they loved so hard, it meant that when things were difficult they were both going to hurt just as hard.

"That's.. That's the most important thing," he said. "It's everything." He shifted downward to lie beside him, facing him, but did not let up on the stroking of his hair. It just brought them both down on the same level. There was so much he wanted to say, and could say, but Sirius looked broken and lost and it wrecked Remus' heart to know he'd caused such pain.

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beingsirius
2019-07-13 11:26 pm UTC (link)

Yelling was easier. Getting Sirius to the point where he needed to do it (outside of excitement and jest) wasn't always easy because he did bottle things up and keep them to himself sometimes -- if only because he wanted to be that person who was easy, who was always happier and more playful than he was anything else, and he didn't care for negative emotions to be a part of his general make up.

But maybe, yeah. Maybe yelling would have felt better than this.

Sirius let out a miserable little sniff and curled in closer to Remus when he laid down in front of him, hands reaching out to tangle into the front of his shirt. The fingers in his hair felt so good, so soothing, and it put him at odds even when he didn't want it to stop. "I'm mad." And god, it was true. He was so fucking mad he couldn't even put it into words. If it was everything, why did he feel like this?

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lonewolfen
2019-07-14 12:43 am UTC (link)

Remus wished that they could just be playful about this. There were plenty of things he could brush off or look the other way about, and most definitely had for most of his life. But this was not one of them. The whole furry little problem thing was a big deal. Remus did not like to say it controlled his life but in a lot of ways, he did have to revolve things around it. If it was just about him, he might not have been so intent in doing what he did. But even when they were younger, when he found out what Sirius and the others had done in becoming Animagi for the sake of being around him during the full moon, he'd gotten upset. He was immensely touched and grateful, of course, but he'd been terrified that they'd get hurt even knowing that werewolves didn't tend to come after other animals. It'd taken him a while to really be fine with them coming out during the full to run with Moony and even after seeing that they never got hurt too much (just some rough housing from tumbles in the dirt) he still always feared the worst because that was just Remus.

Now they were in a situation where he was surrounded by dozens of people who had no idea what they were dealing with. By no means would he ever be so arrogant as to think he was stronger than any of them but right now with so many people sick and unable to really fend for themselves the way they normally would, it was a cause for concern. Sirius included. And he knew Sirius would still put himself at risk to be there. So he needed anyone able bodied who could help keep Moony contained or at least distracted during the night hours to do so because he wasn't going to risk Sirius getting hurt. And he didn't want anyone else being put at risk without knowing about it. That wasn't right. He had to do what he did, and he had to face the consequences of Sirius being angry with him over it.

"I know, love," he said. "I know, and I'm so sorry I hurt you. It kills me--" His voice cracked with emotion and he felt the corners of his eyes sting a bit. "I'm so sorry." His fingers passed gently along his scalp, rubbing in soft motions. "They have a right to know, and I have to be realistic. I can't pretend like it isn't a big deal, that the worst couldn't happen."

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beingsirius
2019-07-14 02:38 am UTC (link)

The thing was, even though Sirius knew the wolf was dangerous, it had never much seemed to matter because Sirius wasn't worried about himself and never had been, not when it came to Moony. And once Remus had stopped worrying and let them all run together it'd always felt a little like there was no reason to be scared. It'd been fun -- it still was fun.

Or, it had been. Right up until other people were introduced into the mix. It wasn't their fault, he knew, not really any more than it was Remus' fault, but Sirius needed someone to blame. Or everyone, maybe. There were good people in town - Sirius didn't doubt that for a second. But not everyone was good. Some people just liked to make others suffer. Someone would do something bad just to say they could, and Sirius wasn't sure he'd be able to stop it.

He hated it. And he hated that he couldn't even be strong enough to help right now instead of being himself, greedy and demanding, even though Remus was deserving of more than that. What he really needed was for someone to tell him that'd be okay, to help him formulate a proper plan. And Sirius couldn't seem to get there. Maybe he ought to be yelling just to tire himself out so that he'd stop being such a bloody asshole. "What would I do without you?" he asked, tilting his head a little to look Remus in the eye. There was an edge of anger there now, instead of just sad resignation.

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lonewolfen
2019-07-14 09:39 pm UTC (link)

Remus got it; he did. Full moons were something that belonged to them, him and Sirius especially but to the Marauders as a whole. It was what they did, just as naturally as it was for them to pull pranks on the school or rush off into Order missions having each other's backs. No one else really had a grasp on what they shared together because it belonged to them. Remus didn't want to involve the town. He really didn't. If he could've kept his lycanthropy a secret for the rest of their days in town, then yes, he would have. But that was naive to think it was possible. It wasn't fair for them to keep it a secret and honestly, it hadn't been fair to the school back when Dumbledore kept it a secret for him.

Sirius and James would understand that while Moony was a threat, he was a controllable one. That said, the Moony that presented himself now was a little different than he'd been when he was younger, their age. This Moony knew more violence, and what it was like to run with other wolves. He was a little harder to contain, he played a little rougher. But he still shared a strong bond with Padfoot and that dog was really the only thing that kept him in line other than the ends of Prongs' antlers. With both of those lines of defense affected by illness, Remus didn't have a choice. He had to share their secret with the town. People had a right to be safe.

He caught the flash of anger in Sirius' gaze and heard it in his tone. There it was. The rise of his temper. They were progressing from the moping stage to the anger stage. Remus had to accept it. Sirius had every right to be angry and upset. "It's my hope you won't have to answer that question, Sirius," he said, softly, keeping his own tone as calm as could be. "This is all precautionary." Calm as he was, underneath Remus was afraid, and he was sad and he was hurting but that didn't really matter because if he could focus on assuring the love of his life that things would be okay, then surely his own feelings would sort themselves out.

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beingsirius
2019-07-14 10:43 pm UTC (link)

Sirius thought it had been more than fair that Dumbledore had kept it a secret, because it'd given Remus the chance to go to school when he otherwise wouldn't have been allowed. Because otherwise they wouldn't have met, and they wouldn't be here right now. And even with Sirius being one wrong word away from bursting out into angry anxiety ridden tears, he still wouldn't have changed it for anything.

And as ever, Remus thought too negatively of the whole of himself. No amounts of reassurance would ever stop Remus from hating that portion of himself, Sirius knew, try as he might.

Sirius huffed out his disdain for Remus' response and moved to push himself up to sitting, even though doing so made him go through a wave of dizziness where he just swayed in place for a moment. He didn't let it stop him though, because one couldn't argue properly whilst laying flat on a bed, it simply wasn't possible. "Precautionary would have been contacting a few trustworthy people and -- Remus goddamnit, you've bloody gone and cried wolf. Do you think these muggles won't respond with pitchforks and fire?"

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lonewolfen
2019-07-15 02:58 pm UTC (link)

Remus wouldn't have traded his time at Hogwarts for anything. Selfish as that might have been, it was true. Because yes, he was able to meet Sirius and in doing so he'd found that he could have actual friends and that there were people in the world who could know what he was and not think the worst of him. He'd learned how to fall in love and he'd found his soulmate in Sirius Black. Logical as he was, that was something he believed in with all of his heart. Not to mention -- Remus had come to learn he was actually a very skilled, talented wizard, too. He'd never boast about it, but it was something he never would've been able to explore had Dumbledore not extended him an invitation to come to the school. But, despite all of that -- what their former Headmaster had done was dangerous. It wasn't the only thing Remus had come to learn that Dumbledore had done that put the lives of others at risk. Remus had very conflicted views and opinions of Albus Dumbledore -- but that was another story for another day.

Sirius could tell him until he turned blue in the face that Moony wasn't that bad, that it was fun to run through the forest, that Moony and Padfoot shared a bond like theirs. It would all fall on deaf ears. Even knowing from his research and from experience that not fighting the wolf during the transition made it easier and less painful wouldn't stop Remus from trying to hold it off as long as possible every single time. He hated what he was. He always would. And if he hated the wolf, how could he expect anyone else to accept him?

When Sirius sat up, so did Remus. "Well, maybe they should, Sirius," he said. "They have a right to defend themselves. You can't expect them to just sit in their houses hoping Moony doesn't burst in to kill them." That was how Remus himself had been bitten, while sleeping in his bed. "But I.. I don't think they will. No one responded saying that they were going to outright attack. Most of them wanted to know what they could do to help."

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beingsirius
2019-07-15 10:27 pm UTC (link)

They weren't going to get anywhere like this, arguing in such a cyclical manner. Sirius was going to be mad and accuse Remus of not thinking enough of himself (them) and Remus was going to say it was for the best and everyone needed to be prepared for the worst and Sirius--

Sirius was just going to get more amped and angry every time they completed the circle and started going around again. And frankly, he just didn't know what to do with it, not this time. Because he'd argued with Remus before, of course he had, but it'd never been like this. And it had never been after they'd unleashed The Thing.

He told himself that it was because he felt so awful that he didn't know how to deal with this, that he was so wildly emotional, but there was a small part of him that knew he'd be this dramatic any time, except maybe louder. He inhaled loud through his nose, practically a sniff and had to bite at the inside of his cheek again, because he was entirely too close to tears and no one wanted that. "What should I do?"

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lonewolfen
2019-07-16 12:28 pm UTC (link)

This -- this going back and forth, round and round, arguing had been the reality Remus had been living with Sirius for months before the end of the war. Remus would disappear, come back, he and Sirius would shout, bicker, argue, cling to each other, Sirius would plead for honesty, Remus would plead for trust, they'd hold each other until they started fighting again or one or the other would storm out. They'd throw their feelings in each other's faces which was really the worst sort of ammo, but that was usually what would make the actual fighting stop. But even in that time, they'd not unleashed The Thing the way they had here. They were both now so open about it that it was easier than breathing. They'd never fought while those feelings were so out there and exposed.

It hurt. It made this so much harder because they both were so much more inclined to shut out the things that made them vulnerable but now they could never do that. It hurt so much more to fight when all he wanted to do was tell Sirius how much he loved him and kiss away the tears that threatened to fall from his beautiful eyes.

Maybe -- well, maybe he should do that. Sirius looked like he was out of options, out of things to argue, that he didn't want to argue anymore and neither did Remus. They were stuck in a shitty situation they couldn't get out of but at least they had each other. They had their bond and they had The Thing that they ought to be relying on in a time like this.

"You should come here," he said, and reached out to pull him closer to him. "Come here and let me hold you a bit." He embraced his true love and shut his eyes. "I love you," he whispered. "It's going to be okay. I assure you, love, you and I can get through worse than this. I've seen it." He pressed his lips to Sirius' forehead and then the top of his head. "Trust me, will you?"

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beingsirius
2019-07-17 01:42 am UTC (link)

Sirius was out of options, and he hated that. He really, really did because he felt like that so very rarely. The last time he'd felt that way, he'd up and left the situation he was in completely -- had shown up on James' door at ass o'clock at night because he hadn't really known where else to go.

But this wasn't like that. This wasn't a situation where he wanted to leave -- which probably explained the near tears, actually. So when Remus suggested he come there, when he reached for him, Sirius decided the only thing he really could do, the only viable option, was do to exactly that. So he pressed his face into the curve of Remus' neck, liking how cool he felt in comparison, and inhaled long and slow.

"Yeah," he said eventually, small and a little on the petulant side, but he was agreeing anyway. "I do. You know I do. Love you too."

Because of course he did.

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