InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "Shtako."

Steve Rogers (captainhandsome) wrote in snapthread,
@ 2019-05-09 14:00:00

Entry tags:

bucky barnes (mcu), steve rogers (mcu)

Who: Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes
What: A Talk.
When: Evening
Where: Bucky's
Rating: Look. I don't know what's happening up in here, hold onto your butts.

It could never be said that Steve Rogers was a fool. He was good at people, he was quick to understand them. But with the people he knew? Well Steve might have been an expert. He spoke fluent Natasha and could speak Bucky's facial expressions near flawlessly. Tony was- well that was more complicated. But he knew when something was happening with his makeshift wayward family and he knew when there was something he wasn't being told. It wasn't anyone's responsibility to fill him in, mind you, people were entitled to their lives and their secrets. But Bucky was. Well. Bucky was different and he was Steve's business.

Natasha's arrival had rocked them all. But what he hadn't expected was for it to rock Bucky. Because they didn't know each other that well. Or so he'd thought. But Steve was wrong, she'd called him James and thought he hadn't noticed. Steve always noticed. Maybe not having a life made you more aware of everyone elses, or something.

That night in the bar he'd watched Tony and Bucky argue and he'd let it go, let them figure it out for themselves and in time, well they'd talk in time. Steve had been telling himself that since they were fourteen years old. Because it was easy, it meant keeping him and them as it was and it meant not losing him, not any part of him.

You couldnm't lose something that wasn't yours.

It was dark when Steve finished his run, because he was at the point where he was running three times a day to burn off all that nervous energy. He showered quick and then changed, his feet already carrying him before his head caught up. Steve knocked on Bucky's doorframe, leaning against it as he crossed his arms. "Hey you."

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sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-11 12:50 am UTC (link)

Bucky's own anger had flared more than he could even believe it had. He'd been so careful, to keep his emotions in check, to stay stoic because it was safe. But when Steve Rogers was involved, emotions were always going to run high. Bucky had, in the past, devoted his entire life to Steve. Yes, he took out women and put on a great show of being untamed and carefree. But that couldn't have been further from the truth. If Steve had ever said he didn't want him to go, then Bucky would've stayed home. If Steve had ever said he wanted more, Bucky would've given him everything and then some. Even if they only could ever show it behind the closed door of their apartment, he would've given Steve every bit of himself.

The signs were there, and he knew it. Surely Steve knew it too. It wasn't like it was stereotypical heterosexual behavior for two men to get under blankets together way too close on a tiny sofa. None of the other Howlies shared a tent out in the field. But for as present as the signs were, it wasn't enough to make Bucky jump the way he should've. Steve hadn't either. What if they had?

"I didn't even know what I was doing, or feeling! How was I supposed to explain it, to answer any questions you had when I'd only just remembered it myself. I'm not exactly a fucking expert at expressing myself these days." He would've said more, but Steve's next statement was even more of a shock to his system. And not the good kind.

"Wow," he said. "Well that makes me feel amazing, Steve. I guess I should just be so grateful you found it in you to leave with me that day." He couldn't believe Steve just said that. "I guess that's why you're with him all the time now, and I never see you. I'm so sick of being alone. I was alone in Romania, I was alone in Wakanda, I'm alone here. The second I try to get close to someone else you swoop in acting like I've done you some horrible wrong, like I've wounded you because I didn't clear it with you first. Well I could say the same to you about your roommate. Guess you don't have to run any of that by me." Bucky felt his resolve slipping away. His heart was hurting so badly and all he wanted was to rely upon the bond that he cherished so dear, the bond that had saved his life when nothing else could.

"What happened, Stevie? Why are we here? Why are we screaming at each other? Why does it hurt so bad?"

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captainhandsome
2019-05-12 12:02 pm UTC (link)

They'd been happy once. The life they'd had together had been simple, Steve studying and tutoring where he could and Bucky working, the two of them looking after each other. But it had been more than that, they'd lived nearly as more than friends, but never quite crossing the line. If people had known, had seen how they were together it would have been trouble. They'd kept up appearances, what with Bucky still dating and enjoying himself and Steve clearly too small and undesirable to keep a girl, no one thought too much about them. But they'd been happy and Steve missed it, sometimes he wished they could go back and things could be that simple again.

In the war it had become more serious, both of them damaged and neither could be without the other. The tent they shared a refuge from the things they had seen, the things that they had to do. But as much as it hadn't been normal, it hadn't quite been anything, the risk had seemed too much, too huge. Steve had always assumed it was a matter of time before Bucky found someone and Steve would lose him.

"I wouldn't have had to ask questions! You could have just fucking told me, it could have been that simple!" Steve snapped back.

Steve felt Bucky's words like a slap in the face and he looked like he'd been slapped too. "You never see me? That's not Tony's fault. I'm usually by myself building something, trying to keep busy and trying not to just go over everything that happened again and again," Steve said, his voice quiet now in contrast to how he'd raised it before. "I always want you with me, you know that. You should know that."

Bucky's words sucked the fight out of the air and his shoulders dropped, his heart dropped into his stomach. There was a long pause before Steve reached out to grab his bicep of his metal arm. "Buck," he said as his voice broke in his throat. "I'm sorry, I- I never want to hurt you."

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sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-13 04:31 am UTC (link)

Fighting with Steve wasn't what Bucky wanted. He would fight for Steve and he certainly would fight beside Steve, but fighting with him felt all wrong, and caused his heart terrible pain. It wasn't like their squabbles and bickering about Steve's incessant need to join the army or what radio program they were going to listen to, or who was the best player for the Dodgers. Those were akin to little lovers spats that they always came back from very easily and quickly. But this... This has been a fight neither of them were ready for even though it'd been nearly a century in the making.

Bucky didn't know how to tell Steve that talking to him about having loved someone else was hard because he'd very obviously loved Steve, too. The feelings between them were so unresolved that Bucky really didn't even know how to begin to talk about it now. They'd both sort of relied on the other just kind of knowing, but not acknowledging it and that was how things had snowballed and sort of spiraled to where they were now.

He could've fought Steve harder. He could've snapped back again at him about how he didn't believe him, how he wasn't saying it had to do with Tony but with Steve himself, how if Steve always wanted him with him, then why weren't they always together? Why weren't they living together? Why weren't they finally giving this a shot the way they couldn't when they were younger?

But the fight in him was wearing thin, and Bucky didn't want to yell anymore. When Steve stepped closer and reached out to touch him, Bucky held his breath until they made contact. Shuri had used pretty advanced technology to put sensors in the metal of his arm to send signals go his brain that triggered response to touch and allowed him to feel. When Steve held onto his arm, Bucky could feel it.

Hearing Steve apologize like that really shook him. Of course Steve didn't mean to hurt him. They weren't supposed to hurt each other. They were meant to love each other always. Til the end of the line. But that didn't mean the hurt was gone. Bucky took a shaky breath and reached up with his human hand to up the back of Steve's neck and brought their foreheads together. "I don't want to fight anymore," he whispered. "Not with you."

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captainhandsome
2019-05-15 12:45 am UTC (link)

They were in the same boat, Steve knew the reason hearing about Natasha hurt so badly was because he'd loved Bucky all his life. He was jealous, but he was also mourning for something that would never be. They'd missed their chance, their epic love story that had crossed time and the world wide wasn't meant to be and if it was, well it was lifetimes away. It was heartbreaking, but Steve was used to that, sometimes it felt like his heart had been fracturing slowly, more with each passing loss.

That night sitting alone drinking after losing him, even though it hadn't worked, Steve had pictured his face in his head, those beautiful eyes and longed for him. But as long as they had each other, some version then really that's what mattered. They were going in two different directions, Steve had built something with Tony over the years that Bucky had been gone and that was important but he wasn't about to sacrifice his family for it.

Why couldn't they have it all?

Their foreheads came together and Steve felt the fight drain out of him, leaving his stomach empty and a hollowness to him. Anger was easier, he rarely gave into the temptation of it, but there was no denying that it helped the hurt. Because he loved her and both of them were going to have to watch the other find happiness with someone else when it had alluded them both and it was going to be hard, maybe harder than anything they'd had to go through together. "Never with you," Steve agreed as his hand came up to rest on his neck, mirroring the other man.

There was a long moment, where the pain peaked, like it was a tangible thing between them Steve could reach out and grab. But instead he tilted his head slightly to one side and their lips met in something soft but fierce. It said everything Steve couldn't, about love and loss and hurt just like the bullet to the gut had all those years ago. Kissing Tony had been like the start, this on the other hand felt like the end of a chapter, it felt like goodbye.

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sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-15 03:13 am UTC (link)

Love was one of the most complex feelings in the world to Bucky. He'd only felt real love a couple of times in his life, and one of those times was with Steve Rogers. The love he felt for him had undergone a few evolutions over time. A best friend, a brother, a companion, puppy love, and being truly, deeply in love with him. But though the love itself had changed over the years, it was always there. Even when HYDRA tried to wipe every shred of emotion and humanity out of him over the course of so many decades of torment and violent abuse, the love that existed in him for Steve had never really gone away. There had never actually been a time since the day they met as small children when Bucky Barnes hadn't loved Steve Rogers.

But it felt like, as deeply in love as he'd been with Steve, that their love was changing again. It wasn't something they'd planned for or maybe even intended. But things had happened, their paths had been pulled in other directions and in doing so that caused the love they shared to shift again too. It didn't mean their love story had ended. It was just a new chapter. That didn't make it easy to accept, but it also wasn't something that could be stopped. Emotions, he'd come to learn, weren't something one could really define or put into actual words. Trying to do that just sort of discredited them in his opinion.

They'd both played it safe for too long with each other, and in doing so they'd been unable to fully explore how things could've been while they were in love. He could recognize that but it still hurt like a mother fucker to have to admit it. Standing there now, forehead to forehead with Steve, Bucky wished more than anything he could go back, that he'd just told Steve how he felt when they had so many opportunities to do so. Even if things still played out the way they did, even if they were still brought to this exact moment when they had to accept that their love had to change, they still would've had a shot. They still would know what it would've been like.

When their lips met, Bucky felt his heart swell with so much love that it actually broke. It was devastating knowing that when they finally got this right, it was to close that chapter in their lives. Even so, there was no denying the love behind it. Bucky kissed Steve back, and the outpouring of emotion was all consuming and entirely overwhelming. But he didn't pull back. His hand slid from the back of Steve's neck up into his hair while his metal hand clutched onto his shirt at the small of his back. If this was the only kiss they were to ever share, then he wanted to hold onto it as long as they could.

It wasn't until his lungs were burning for oxygen that he parted from it, and already the loss of that feeling was causing the broken pieces of his heart to ache terribly. "Stevie," he whispered, already touching foreheads with him again. "Do you think, maybe, in some other world, some other time, that maybe we got it right?" Having seen those drawings at that convention of the two of them in such loving embraces -- not just the smutty fanservice -- had made him wonder, it was really the only shred of hope he had -- maybe the only thing that might make healing from this come a little easier. "Maybe some other versions of us weren't so fucking stupid?"

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captainhandsome
2019-05-16 12:42 am UTC (link)

The love they had wasn't ever going to die, it had and would evolve, but as far as ever being over? Well some things just never ended, not really. It had saved their lives, brought them home, given Steve strength and made him brave. Bucky and Steve had saved each other and he knew he'd never stand alone. But so far as happily ever after, that just wasn't in the cards for them, not the time or the place and the knowledge of that rested heavy on Steve's chest. They could have had this and it was the first time in his life he'd realised that, could see now that they'd been the only thing in the way. Time might heal all things, but Steve would never really get over that and he knew it. All this time he'd thought Bucky didn't want him and it had just been himself in his own way.

Tony was important to him and he knew that he needed to protect that and while kissing someone else was something he'd never usually do, it was something that both of them needed. Later he'd have to sit down with Tony and tell him about this, about everything, to be honest in a way he hadn't been before. But that was later and what he needed in that moment was to focus on Bucky's neck in his hand and the lifetime of feelings that cumulated in a deep kiss.

Bucky's mouth tasted like home and by the time the kiss- their first real kiss broke, he knew he'd never forget it. His fingers were tangled in the back of his hair and as he breathed deeply he softened, stroking gently at his scalp.

Steve swallowed down grief and tears at the sound of his name, that lump in his throat back with a vengeance. But he was used to being brave and he forced his eyes back open, to face him and the vulnerability that shook his usually steady hands. "Of course we did," Steve said with a sad little smile. "In every other world we got it just right." Steve nuzzled his nose against Bucky's before knocking their foreheads together lightly.

They were both going to live long lives, outlive everyone around them most likely and lose it all except for each other. Maybe one day when they were old, things would come full circle and they'd be together again like they had when they'd been young.

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sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-16 04:08 pm UTC (link)

Ever since he'd learned about the fact that there were multiple versions of the same people living in different universes, Bucky had been curious about what the dynamic would be between other versions of him and Steve. He'd met the other Steve in town and he seemed like a pretty great person, which wasn't a surprise. It sounded like he and his Bucky were close, but he hadn't really asked for details because he didn't think it was his business. Still, he couldn't help but wonder about others out there. The possibilities were endless.

Was there a Bucky who'd owned his feelings as a young twenty-something and fessed up to Steve? A Bucky who came home from work everyday and swept Steve up into a dance around their tiny living room, dipped him low and stole a kiss before they sat down on their worn old couch eating soup while they listened to the radio? Was there a Bucky who managed to get Steve to not enlist in the war, who he could write letters to, who he could carry his photo into the fight with him and come home to when the war ended? Was there a Bucky who'd managed to reach Steve's hand and not fall off the train, who stayed with Steve and they found a way to not put the plane down into the ocean? Was there a Bucky who hadn't left Steve on the riverbank in DC, but stayed with him until he woke and the two figured out a way to make things right together? Was there a Bucky who left clues after he did leave, to lead Steve to him so they could reunite without the interference of SWAT teams and near death experiences all around them? Was there a Bucky who didn't go back into cryo and stayed out so he and Steve could talk things through together in Wakanda until they managed to heal together?

The hope that those Buckys all existed with their Steves was all he had right now to get through this. Somewhere out there, Bucky was dancing with Steve. Bucky was kissing Steve goodnight and whispering that he loved him. Bucky was sharing a milkshake in a diner with Steve. Bucky was cheering on the Dodgers at a baseball game with Steve.

Just not here.

"I hope so," he whispered. His hands were still in Steve's hair and clutching at his shirt and he didn't want to let him go, but he knew he had to. Bucky was also fighting the lump in his throat, to swallow it down and keep himself from falling to pieces. He feared he would, once he didn't have Steve to hold onto. It was part of why he hadn't let go. He breathed in and out slowly, savoring this closeness because he knew they wouldn't have it again. Not like this. "I'm gonna need some time," he said quietly. "I think you are too."

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captainhandsome
2019-05-16 09:33 pm UTC (link)

There was so much to think about and unfortunately Steve had had a lot of time alone in which to do it. So he'd imagined it all, he'd thought about all the ways that they could have been happy together. So much had happened to come between them and there had to be worlds where they'd put it right, timelines where they'd overcome it. His heart lurched just thinking about it, about living a normal life in the time that they were from, but together. There was so many ways that they could have gone right and they'd missed them all. But despite all odds they were together, they were here to salvage some form of family.

"I know so," Steve promised him as he ran his fingers through the mess of hair at the back of his neck. It was quiet around them, no one around but even if there had been Steve wouldn't have noticed. They held onto one another and Steve closed his eyes for a long moment, to make a memory of it. They'd been honest, they'd admitted something that had weighed on them for so long and even if it hurt more than he'd ever imagined that it could, Bucky felt it too and that was something he'd always dreamed of.

It started with Steve shifting his weight from one foot to the other, but before he knew it his arm was around Bucky's waist to hold him close. He hummed softly, his eyes opening as he pulled back enough to see him. A first dance and their last.

"I can't give you that," Steve said honestly. "I know you want to just hide until it goes away and I do too. But it's never going to go away and we need to just learn to deal with it. I'm not letting you go," he said as he squeezed the back of his neck. "I'll give us some space, but I'm not going away completely, not ever," he said although he didn't stop moving, the song playing in his head even if the humming had stopped.

He'd been waiting all his life for this dance.

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Goodbye, love.

sgt_barnesjb
2019-05-17 10:40 am UTC (link)

When they were much younger, Bucky used to be a regular fixture down at the local dancing hall. He was always taking girls out to dance. Actually, he usually just showed up and there were plenty of ladies already there hoping he'd ask them to be his girl that night. It was typically a good time, but it was never great. It was never want he really wanted, or who he wanted to be dancing with. Even when he slipped into those more discreet, secret clubs for men he never found actual satisfaction. That had always been because the one person he wanted to share all of his dances with, all of his kisses and most intimate moments, had been living with him in their shoebox apartment in Brooklyn. Like Steve, he'd waited a century for this. Now he had it, but he couldn't have it forever.

There was a meshing of conflicting emotions coursing through him and fighting each other in his heart. Hold on tight, never let go, you need this too much. Push him away, run back into the house and never come out because this is too much. Bucky swayed slowly with Steve, and as they moved he kept the one hand at the back of his head while the other loosened its grip on his shirt to splay across his back. He'd wanted this so much, but it was devastating knowing they were having to talk about how they were going to move on while they were doing it.

"I don't want you to go away completely," he assured him. But he did need time. He did need space. Bucky was going to have to let go of a lot. He was also going to have to get used to the idea of being around Steve and not let himself wonder about things anymore. Even though they'd never acted on their feelings until sort of right now, he'd always had hope about it, and now that had to be put to rest. His heart was broken, but he didn't think it was beyond repair. It just hurt like hell, and coming back from it wasn't going to be easy. And for the first time in all his life, it was something he couldn't do with Steve. That in of itself was hard enough.

"We'll figure it out, Stevie," he whispered, having brought his cheek to rest against Steve's. "It's going to take time, but we'll figure it out." Because they couldn't lose each other. They just had to learn to adjust to change; changes they both were making, how to walk beside each other even if they took different sides of the fork in their otherwise joined paths in life.

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Goodbye.

captainhandsome
2019-05-19 08:20 am UTC (link)

Bucky had dragged Steve to enough dances and he'd had enough girls give him a vague once over to know he hadn't wanted to be there. He'd told himself he was waiting for someone special, but the truth was the one he'd wanted to dance with, well that would have caused a scene. Not only that it would have been dangerous for the both of them. But he went sometimes, pretending it wasn't just because he wanted to watch Bucky move to the music and hope maybe his friend would come home alone with him. But on the nights that he didn't he'd come home late, smelling of someone else and his heart had broken time and time again. But in that moment, they had that first dance, Bucky's body warm and solid and alive.

There were tears in his eyes and he blinked them slowly away, focusing on the sway of their dance. Bucky held him like a lover, which they'd never got to be and Steve held him right back. He could almost picture it, how it would be, even though they both knew that it never could.

Together they could relearn how to be a family, to be brothers and love one another in a way that was healthier. They'd led each other on for too long, Bucky loved Natasha and Steve, well he'd made his choice. "Good because that's never going to happen."

Steve left Bucky's hand on the back of his neck, but took his other to rest on his chest, moving it to cover his heart. "We always do," he said softly. They'd come back to life for each other time and time again, being strong and getting through this couldn't possibly be as hard as that. Steve didn't know how long they stood there dancing, minutes or hours, holding each other, lips brushed together and holding tight until they were finally ready to let go.

But he'd never forget it.

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