Entry tags:

event: anti-valentine's day 2012, fic, member: demarafis, pairing: none, rating: pg

It All Happened on a Valentine's Day by demarafis
Title: It All Happened on a Valentine's Day
Author: demarafis
Pairing: None.
Rating: PG; the naughty words have been bleeped out
Word Count: 2,000
Warnings: None.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. The characters and their worlds belong to their original writers and no copyright infringement or offense is intended. No money was made from this story.
Summary: Post-war. McGonagall is Headmistress. Snape survived and went back to being head of Slytherin and Potions professor. He also mellowed out a teeny tiny bit. The actual story is based on this prompt: "Because nothing says 'Happy Valentine's Day' better than Minerva 'pussy-cat' McGonagall trying to set you up with every unattached member of staff, including non-humans and ghosts, in a crisis of guilty conscience and self-recrimination. (Or she's just drunk.)"
A/N: sighing_selkie is the beta and she's wunderbar.

It All Happened on a Valentine's Day

To be Slytherin means to be cunning, resourceful, and ambitious. Practically speaking, it means to be aware of everything that is happening and to know how to make best use of the information. For someone who was a double-agent for two decades and knew more details of everyone than they themselves realised, Severus Snape was very surprised to find himself in a perplexing and maddening situation on February 14th, Valentine's Day.

It started out normally enough. He woke up, applied the Mouth-Freshening and Cleaning Charm, the Shaving Charm, undressed and dressed himself with the Disrobing and Redressing Charms– what, did you think he was going to do up all those buttons by hand? He's a Slytherin, for [beep]'s sake! –and that was when everything went wrong.

Well, not that wrong, not at first. Professor Vector knocked on his door and he foolishly opened it, thinking that she, being a Slytherin, wanted to discuss some matter regarding Slytherin House with him. It wasn't that odd, for sometimes the girls find themselves going to a female professor more often than a male one and Vector would then drop by in the mornings to keep him updated.

Instead, he had to suffer nearly half an hour of her waxing lyrical about him– of how, being a Slytherin herself, she understood him absolutely and was best suited to be his partner in life –before he was able to gently remove her from his rooms. Yes, gently. It wouldn't do to poison Slytherin intra-house relations now, would it?

So, that done, he started to double-check his materials for the day– time tables, lesson plans, and assignments to be returned. In truth, he should have started double-checking the storage rooms because, the next thing he knew, Poppy Pomfrey had sauntered in.

Now, if you thought Madam Pomfrey was terrifying in the Hospital Wing, she's even more terrifying in your personal rooms. She took one look at Snape before declaring him emaciated and in immediate need of nutrition potions. She vanished his clothes, replacing them with the standard hospital gown, and attacked him with vigour not seen since his bout with Nagini.

It took many promises to take better care of himself, and threats to not replenish the Hospital Wing with his special brews, before he was able to retrieve his shirts and robes, and place his door firmly between himself and Madam Pomfrey. With extra wards.

So, it was a fuming, behind-schedule Severus Snape who started double-checking the status of the potions stores. He'd learned, after many a bitter lesson, to re-do his inventory before classes started, as, no matter how many wards he placed, ingredients tended to go missing at night. He had hoped that nothing else untoward would happen. However, reality was the rapidly-cooling storage room and the freezing fingers at his nape.

He turned. The Grey Lady. Of course.

"Helena," he said, and bowed– as much to show courtesy as to avoiding having icicles on his neck.

The Grey Lady returned his bow. Then, dropping her head and floating upward, she laid her forehead against his.

"I'm sorry, Lady, but this is not the best place for us to meet. Some of these ingredients are delicate, sensitive to temperature changes–"

The Grey Lady started to drift away.

"Please don't take this the wrong way– it has been a while since we last had a discussion on new spells and charms. I will be available tonight."

She nodded, and dissipated.

No sooner had the Grey Lady left than Moaning Myrtle assailed his senses.

"Nobody ever comes to talk to me, and nobody ever comes to talk to you! We can be alone, together!"

Snape nearly threw a gasket.

"You imbecile! If we are together, then, by definition, we won't be alone! Besides, how can I brew potions with you caterwauling everywhere? And how do you know about my personal visitors? Out! Out!!"

This day is definitely not going well, Severus Snape thought. Maybe things will be better at breakfast– everyone will be busy eating. Thus, he started toward the Great Hall and came upon the Bloody Baron.

"Severus Tobias Snape, it has been an honour to have you in my House. Even now, you continue to better our standing among our peers."

"I do my best," Snape replied carefully. It was rare for the resident ghost of Slytherin House to seek him out.

"It has been brought to my attention that you have been broody and gloomy the last while. I say, he knows how to care for himself, but the others do not agree. Today is Saint Valentine's Day. Should you feel lonely or in want of another's presence, know that you have many friends in Hogwarts, humans and spirits alike. As for myself... You will always have my ear. You know that."

That was new; the Baron did not often engage in personal chitchat.

"Thank you, Baron." Snape inclined his head.

The ghost nodded. He glided past Snape, turned around the corner, and disappeared from sight. Severus continued his journey to the Great Hall.

Partway there, he was joined by Madam Hooch. She was most adamant about having him referee the next Quidditch match with her, except Severus hadn't been on a broom for years and had no interest in being back in the air. Why watch dunderheads kill themselves when there's Potions research to be done? Anyway, he didn't throw her off until he sat down in his seat, where Professor Sprout immediately started heaping his plate with veggies and protein, saying that "there's nothing good food and nutrients can't fix" and that he "needed fattening up".

That was the gist, anyway.

When he finally managed to stop the mothering, Sprout guiltily glanced toward the middle of the High Table. Snape followed her gaze. Aha!

"Minerva," he narrowed his eyes and hissed, "I don't know what game you are playing, but be assured– I'll return the nuisance hundred-fold!"

"I don't know what you're talking about, laddie!" she gasped. The female members blushed and looked away. Oh dear, maybe it did have something to do with all those shots of well-aged scotch she'd knocked back last night...

Just then, a large, odorous heap of cow dung dropped smack in the middle of Severus' plate. "Potty, potty, poopy for nasty. Gonna make breakkie tasty-tasty!" Peeves sang out loud. All the students gaped at the newly crowned topping of his veggie heap, which was slowing creeping down toward the table cloth. "Poopy portions, great for potions!"

Someone retched. Several someones else followed suit.

The amount of poop multiplied.

"Slimy Slytherin need to have fun. Here! There be a pile of dung!"

The smell in the Great Hall grew ripe. People started leaving. McGonagall shot Peeves a look of disapproval. Severus sighed.

"It seems I'm no longer welcome this morning. Good day." He banished his "breakfast" and stood. Nodding to the rest of the table, he left for his first class. Except he ran right into Ron Weasley. Literally.

"Umph! Oh, Snape! Just the bloke I'm looking for! I challenge you to a game of Wizarding Chess! Loser gets to serve the winner for an entire day!"

"Shouldn't you be at work today, Weasley?"

"Well, 'Mione heard about Professor McGonagall's challenge last night and said she'd make me sleep on the couch for an entire week if I don't spend the day with you."

"So here you are?"

"And here I am."

Severus sighed. "Not all of us are head of the Auror Department, able to take days off on a whim."

"Oh," Ron replied, downcast. "I can come by later?"

Just then, Harry ran up. "Snape! Severus Snape!"

"Potter! Why are you here? And why do you smell of fresh dirt and earthworms?"

"I died. They burned Ginny but only buried me, so I managed to use the Hallows to come back.

"Merlin's [beep], what are you blathering on about now, Potter? Did you finally lose your mind?"

"Harry, aren't you supposed to be vacationing in Aruba with Ginny? What happened?"

"Turns out there were some neo-DE hiding out there. When they saw us, they opened fire immediately. Ginny got caught in a Fiendfyre. I'm sorry Ron. She was consumed instantly. I don't think she suffered."

"Still doesn't explain why you are here, Potter," Severus ground out.

"I'm only here until my affairs are settled. You're the new guardian of my kids."

"What! What about me and 'Mione? I thought I was your best mate!"

"You are busy enough with Hugo and Rose. I can't ask you to take care of three more kids. Besides, Severus already died once for me. There's no greater dedication than that!"

"That's true."

Severus covered his eyes with his hand and groaned. This just couldn't be happening!, he thought.

"Um, Harry, why is your wand pointed toward Snape?"

"To better cut his head open and get at his brains."

Severus dropped his hand and hastily groped for his wand.

"Why his brains?"

"I don't know. I think I'm a zombie now. I have this sudden urge to gorge on his brains. Not yours Ron, don't worry. You're safe. For now." Harry replied while waving his wand in Snape's general direction.

But how can I manage your offspring without a brain? Snape thought just as a blinding flash of light erupted from Harry's wand. Whatever he was going to do was too late; pain worse than anything Voldemort had ever dealt him encased him, and everything turned to black.

And then he woke up.

"Tempus," he managed to croak out.

"Too early to be up! Too early to be up!" his clock cried.

"Date?"

"February 14th, Valentine's Day!"

Well, I guess it was all a dream. A completely bizarre dream, Snape thought. Maybe it was even the weirdest dream he had ever had, because one just doesn't have normal, mundane dreams while playing double-agent and wallowing in guilt. Since I'm awake, I might as well start the day. So, Severus Snape got up and applied the Mouth-Freshening and Cleaning Charm, followed by the Shaving Charm. Then he undressed and dressed himself with the Disrobing and Redressing Charms. He started double-checking his materials for the day– time tables, lesson plans, and assignments to be returned –and heard a knock on the door.

"Come in!" he said. Professor Vector walked in.

"Severus Snape, you are the most intelligent man I have ever met. No one can best your mental prowess, not even Voldemort–"

"Stop. Does this have anything to do with what happened with Minerva last night?"

"You've heard of it already? Tell me, which arithmetic equations did you use? Because we all swore an Unbreakable Vow to not tip you off."

Severus wondered whether the Baron didn't take the Vow or whether Unbreakable Vows had no effect on ghosts.

"Anyway, you know I will always be delighted to enjoy an evening with you, even if all we talk about are House matters–"

Wait a minute! Severus thought. If the events in my dream are being played out right now...

"Status!" He barked out.

"Currently in Aruba, attracting danger!" his clock sang.

This can't be happening, Severus Snape thought as he covered his eyes with his hand. "Professor Vector, please inform Kingsley and Weasley of the Auror Department that Harry Potter is currently in Aruba and facing life-threatening assailants. Request immediate backup. Also, tell Minerva that she'll need a substitute for my classes today." Snape moved over to his mantel and grabbed at a hand on his clock.

"Where are you going?" Vector asked.

"To save Potter's arse again," he said, and portkeyed out of the room.

To be honest, he didn't give a [beep] whether Ginny lived or died. He didn't actually feel obliged to watch over Potter. He knew he was walking into a Fiendfyre but he didn't give a [beep]. He didn't care whether he survived or not– if you remember, he did die once already. Why? Because, if he died, he would never be saddled with a Potter brat again. Or three.

He just didn't have enough [beep] lives.

The End.