[FIC] Remus/Sirius -- How Could I Ever Know? (R) Title: How Could I Ever Know? Rating: Hard R Pairing: Remus/Sirius Kink(s): nada, just angsty Challenge: Lusty Month of May Marathon, day twenty-three Words: 1490 Notes: Written in honour of my closing Secret Garden on Sunday. The title of the piece as well as the opening lyrics are taken from the final song in the show. Originally Posted: May 2005
Repost of the LMoMM fic - day twenty-three
How could I know I would have to leave you? / How could I know I would hurt you so? You were the one I was born to love / Oh, how could I ever know? / How could I ever know?
How can I say to go on without me? / How when I know you still need me so? How can I say not to dream about me? / How could I ever know? / How could I ever know? -- The Secret Garden
The house seemed... empty. That was the only word to really describe Number 12 after Sirius's death. After Sirius fell beyond the veil, Kreacher departed for places unknown. Remus really couldn't say he was upset over the house elf's departure. Not having him around was easier; one less set of mutterings he had to listen to throughout the day.
Listening to Mrs Black gloat over her son's death had been bad enough.
But over the course of two months, the lustre of her son's death had lost its appeal. Remus no longer reacted in anger when he heard her wild ravings. Instead, he accepted it all with a silent resignation.
Once again, he was left to be very much alone.
It was harder this time, he reasoned. When Sirius was incarcerated in Azkaban, he was able to hate the man for what he had done to their quartet. In Remus's mind, Sirius had turned James and Lily over to Voldemort and that simple act had carried a death sentence. Peter... Merlin bless Peter for confronting Sirius as Remus could not.
And for his one bout of courage, it lost him his life.
Sirius destroyed his world that day and for that, he never wanted to see him or speak to him again. Thus, the life sentence Azkaban carried was perfect. It ensured that all ties between the couple would be severed forever.
Until Sirius escaped.
And came back.
And the truth came out.
And Remus realised just how much he still loved Sirius.
Fate can be a cruel mistress.
Walking through the halls of Grimmauld, Remus closed his eyes, feeling a cool brush of wind on his neck. He stopped where he stood, putting his hand out to the wall.
"Sirius... is that you?"
Silence echoed his words and Remus wondered in the back of his mind when he was going to lose it for real. He was already on the verge of cracking up and now he was talking to himself, imagining the ghost of his lover was still with him. Remus re-opened his eyes and began to walk again; glad none of the Order was at Grimmauld yet. They would have shipped him off to St Mungo's faster than anyone could have said "Quidditch."
Another shiver caressed Remus's spine and he shivered, almost as if he felt the touch run down between his shoulder blades. Remus whirled around, half expecting to see the faint outline of his lover standing behind him. Logically he knew it wouldn't be the case. He knew what happened to victims of the veil. Remus knew the facts intimately. He'd gone over every one of them with a fine toothed comb, looking for a way to get Sirius back.
All he had come up with were a lot of legends and a whole lot of dead ends. In the end, Remus put the books up. They only served to depress him when he realised his search was futile.
Harry had asked him once what happened to people when they died. Apparently, Remus's answer hadn't satisfied him as Harry hadn't returned to Grimmauld since their conversation.
They're only a ghost if someone alive is still holding onto them.
Remus was still holding onto him. So where was Sirius?
Again, Remus felt the chill rise up his spine. He shivered, leaving the hallway as quickly as he could; seeking the comfort and safety of his bedroom. Whatever was out in the hallway was starting to creep him out, for lack of a better turn of phrase. Rubbing his hands over his arms, trying to make the gooseflesh disappear, Remus lay down on his bed, closing his eyes.
The chill settled over him once again, but there was a new feeling that accompanied it this time; one of comfort and the feeling that Remus shouldn't be afraid of this. Opening his eyes, Remus turned his head to look at the most recent, and what was probably the only picture he had of Sirius. The picture looked different somehow and as Remus strained to look at it, he was shocked to find the picture making a more than obscene gesture.
Remus's eyes widened, watching the picture of Sirius drop his trousers and stand in the picture frame half-nude. The picture version of Sirius nodded in his direction, as if wanting him to do the same.
"You've got to be kidding me."
The essence around Remus strengthened as if responding, saying 'yes, do it.'
Blushing slightly, Remus did what the picture asked of him, wondering again if he shouldn't be locked up in St Mungo's for going through with something like this. Wanking on the advice of a picture?
He had to be insane. That was the only logical explanation. He had finally lost it.
Remus wrapped his hand around his cock and the picture version of Sirius followed his movements. Everything Remus did, from running his hand along the shaft to cupping his balls in his hand, the picture mimicked. It was vaguely disturbing but... comforting in a way.
The essence wrapped around Remus, feeling as if it was growing in solidity. In the two months Remus had prayed to see Sirius one final time to just say good-bye, he had never been granted the wish. And now, with his trousers around his knees, laying spread eagle in the bed; he had the feeling he was going to get his wish.
Sirius's ghost was different than the ghosts of Hogwarts. Remus knew he was a ghost as there was something different about him, but at the same time, if he just looked at him, pretending, the thing that stood before him was the real item. It was no ghost, but Sirius himself.
"I miss you," Remus said, still stroking himself. He didn't know if the vision would leave when he stopped moving his hand, and so he vowed to keep moving as long as he could.
Sirius moved his mouth in reply but the words felt like they came in Remus's head rather than actually said aloud.
I know you do, Moony. And there isn't a day that goes by that I'm not with you. I just... won't be with you the way we wanted to be together.
Remus fought to keep his eyes open, though tears pricked at the corners of his eyes. "I want to dream about you, and yet you don't come. This is the first I've felt you."
Oh Moony, Sirius's voice said as he slid forward to sit on the edge of Remus's bed. You have to let me go. Please.
"I can't..." Remus whimpered, his voice choked with unshed tears.
I can't hold you anymore. As much as I want to, I can't. It's tearing you up, Moony. Let me go and let yourself go.
With a strangled cry, Remus came, spilling onto his hand and belly. He never realised his eyes had shut until he was forced to open them in order to see again. Remus looked around the room, finding himself very alone in the room. Never before; not even after Sirius's death, had he felt so alone.
"How can I let you go?" Remus whispered of the empty room.
"Who are you talking to?"
Remus sat up quickly in bed, throwing covers over his semi-nude lower body. His chest rose and fell with every quick breath of air, eyes wide from fright. Remus hadn't expected anyone to be here today.
"Molly...?"
The plump Weasley matriarch walked into Remus's bedroom. "The rest of the Order is downstairs, and we're just waiting for you."
Remus shook his head, trying to clear his vision. When it was finally gone, he nodded, giving her a weak smile.
"I'll be downstairs shortly," Remus said softly. "I... I apologise."
She nodded, not quite believing his apology, especially given just how short it was, but didn't press Remus. Leaving him alone once again, Remus lay back on the bed, feeling the presence he had felt earlier wrap around him like a comforting hug. He drew into the feeling, accepting it rather than rejecting it.
So maybe Sirius was right. Maybe he was there and this would simply have to do for... well, for now.
Changing his trousers, Remus quickly cleaned himself up and went downstairs for the Order meeting and the essence followed him. Remus smiled for the first time in what felt like years.