"Puerile" was the word I was searching for. It's bereft of even the vaguest sense of character or consequence. This is what an over-caffeinated nine-year-old's idea of a comic book is, except that I'd think even a nine-year-old would be capable of crafting better dialogue.
I don't know where (sigh) ultimate blame for this content lies, asinine editorial mandate or someone suffering a cerebral hemorrhage, but Christ, this is as bad as the genre gets without Liefeld being involved.