When Wondy Was Crack: Mars, Satan, slave girls, and spanking
I feel like I'm going to quickly run out of words to explain how mindboggling cracky Golden Age Wonder Woman was, to the point where I'm surprised the paper it was printed on wasn't classified as a hallucinogen, but a picture is worth a thousand words.



Don't say it. We're all thinking it, don't say it. Let's move on.

But why is Mars swearing by Hades? Hades is his brother. That's like me swearing "By Steve, this is a good bagel!"





IT WORKS.

So Steve receives sealed orders, not to be opened until he's in the air with a plane and pilot assigned to him. Yeah, that never ends well.



Makes you pine for the quiet dignity of spinning around in a circle really fast, doesn't it?



Thanks for hooking your homeboy up with magical healing potions, Diana. Way to help the war effort.



So much to love here. The eye-popping flirtatiousness of that third panel, Etta proclaiming "Woo woo!" over Diana's death-like coma, Diana's awesome explanation for her death-like coma, the fact that Diana has a picture of herself framed on the wall... it's like a perfect storm of Golden Age Wonder Woman. Of course, the afterlife sucks in the Wondyverse, what with anyone killed in a war then being enslaved by Mars, but I suppose people don't have it much better over in Hades.

No, don't ask yourself why no one recognizes Diana IN COSTUME. INCLUDING HER SWORN ENEMY. It just... it won't help.



...you know, I was going to say something about the undead tallship that travels thru space, cleverly labeled 'Mars Convict Ship', but then I saw the "go up" strips on the sails and I realized it made perfect sense.



...you're enjoying yourself, aren't you Diana? Naturally, she saves the day by knocking Tiva past the flames and onto safe ground. Then she plays more bondage games is forced into another cruel torture.






Okay, so Mars rules on Mars, which coincidentally was named after him by Earth astronomers, while Satan is his slave, and Satan comes from Saturn, which supports life, but he worships Mephistopheles, unless that's another name for Mars, and they all ride horses...

...

You know what? BUNNY.



Aww, wok at his wittle nose!

So screaming "For Aphrodite and the Amazons!" clues Mars in that Wonder Woman is, in fact, an Amazon. I guess the wisdom of Athena and a buck fifty will get you a cup of coffee. Well, a really small cup of coffee.





...you guys all saw that third panel, right? I mean, it wasn't just me, was it?

Okay, so having been clued in by that "joke" (really? That's like laughing at Dane Cook. I'm not saying she deserves it, but that's not how you not get a beating), Wondy rescues Steve and escapes back to Earth, as is her custom.



I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY ABOUT LORD CONQUEST'S RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS WIFE. NOTHING!