InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I...LOVE...mother...!!"

Spark (Hizumi Mizushiro) (devilishfiend) wrote in sabra_la_tau,
@ 2011-11-12 22:46:00

Entry tags:

!days 280-289, hizumi mizushiro, lelouch lamperouge, lenalee lee, nabuca, phoenix wright, rory pond, tazendra, uchiha itachi, yoi-te

Who: Lyvus and visitors
Where: Lyvus dorms
When: Day 288, post-game
What: sadness and hugpiles?

[Sad teammates are coming back after the game. Woe.]

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devilishfiend
2011-11-12 11:43 pm UTC (link)

[He really wanted to keep it together and appear more stable after the game-- but really, that's enough to crush it. He knew Rory saw already, but hearing it out loud makes it worse. He doesn't start crying again— there are tears forming in his eyes, but he's holding them back. Still, his expression makes him look completely scared and lost right now]

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I— I didn't want you to see that.

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	lone_centurion 2011-11-12 11:49 pm UTC (link)
	Then why did you do it?! [And he will actually look at you and it's very clear he's pretty upset and mad about this because SERIOUSLY, WHAT THE HELL SPARK?!] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-12 11:57 pm UTC (link)
	[well, he's crying again now, and he's yelling as he answers] Because I thought everyone was gone! There was no one left, everything was gone, everyone was— everyone was lost! I couldn't bear the thought of living alone while waiting for an impeding death! What's the point in living if there's no one you can share happiness and sadness with!? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-12 11:59 pm UTC (link)
	Do you really not have that much faith in us?! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

devilishfiend
2011-11-13 12:07 am UTC (link)

That's not it! I believe in you all! From the bottom of my heart, I truly, fully believe in you all. But— even then I still couldn't bear that. I couldn't remember about the game. I couldn't remember when I last saw your faces! I just didn't want to be all alone. I couldn't... I just couldn't! I'm supposed to die anyway. I thought it was better sooner than later.

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lone_centurion
2011-11-13 12:12 am UTC (link)

No, it's not! Because as long as you're alive, you can DO something! Things can change! Not everyone can be like me and died several times and still keep doing things! Once you die, it's very hard to keep going.

This place, this team? For a lot of us, it's all people HAVE. People have died, they lost everything, they're somehow made themselves the bad guy back home, and this place is their second chance. To have happiness, to have a life they want! Even if things are dire, you have to believe we'd try and find each other again! Just like no one's given up on those in the Pillar, we won't leave someone to be alone forever!

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 12:21 am UTC (link)
	I'm not like you. I'm not that strong! I don't have the power to change anything, I can't do it on my own! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-13 12:25 am UTC (link)
	You can change everything! You've already changed so much for everyone on this team! (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 12:35 am UTC (link)
	[he shakes his head, and his voice finally gets quieter] No, no... that's different. It's because you were with me. I can be strong as long as I have you with me! But— the moment I thought you were lost, it didn't matter anymore. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-13 01:08 am UTC (link)
	[And he's quiet himself, just silent for a few moments.] Do you really think I did that by myself? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 01:13 am UTC (link)
	[shaking his head] No... I know you had the other members of Lyvus with you, too. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-13 01:19 am UTC (link)
	Yes, for in the past and when you woke up, but I wasn't referring to that. In the dream, I wasn't doing that on my own, Spark. If I was on my own, I would have lost it pretty quick. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 01:22 am UTC (link)
	[staring at him now, because he totally assumed Rory was just awesome] ... I don't understand. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lone_centurion
2011-11-13 01:31 am UTC (link)

I can't do anything alone. I can't. If I was by myself, I'd go insane. Sabra La Tau, my life back home, it really doesn't matter. I'm not someone who can just let go of my emotions, I can't just ignore any doubts I have. They pester and nag at me and really it's good I don't sleep because it gives me plenty of time to sort all of that out to not do something stupid or crazy.

But no matter what, I can keep going for one simple reason; I'm not alone. I know there are people waiting for me, people who need me, and people who I need.

When I saw the dorm, I did believe it, for a bit, that I was alone. But only for a few moments until I realized it didn't make sense. Not because the blood was fresh and I wasn't covered in dirt so I couldn't have been gone that long in the earth, those just made it easier to believe I was right. It was because I couldn't believe that everyone could be gone. I refused to believe it because I refuse to believe that anyone in our family will ever let anyone be alone anymore.

I could only do it because I have everyone and I know everyone won't give that up as long as we're alive.

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devilishfiend
2011-11-13 01:37 am UTC (link)

[He stays completely silent as Rory talks, listening carefully to each word. Rory was right when he said he didn't really believe in Lyvus. If he had, he wouldn't have fallen for it like that. And though one hand he desperately wants to take the words for what they are— a confirmation that he wouldn't be left behind— right now he can't. It actually makes him feel more guilty for having given up like that]

...

You're right. I didn't really believe in you, did I? I could think of a million justification, but they'd only be excuses.

I'm sorry. I really, really am. I shouldn't have given up like that. And I should have made you and Dagger witness it.

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lone_centurion
2011-11-13 01:42 am UTC (link)

[That's right, they would just be excuses. He doesn't say it, but the expression does. Kind of part of the mad feelings.]

[But his expression softens and he pulls you into a hug.] It's all right to be weak. To doubt and worry, that's only human. What's important is not giving up completely. To keep trying and not giving up as long as you can keep going.

Cry and be sad, be scared and hurt, don't deny those feelings, but don't let them consume you because even if it has to be spirit for a while, Lyvus is always wishing the best for you.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 02:00 am UTC (link)
	[He's letting Rory hug him, but it's only after a few moments of hesitation that he returns the gesture] I want to say I will never do that again, but... I don't know. If I were to experience those sort of feelings again, I don't know if I'd be able to ignore them. But I promise I'll try my hardest. I really, really want to believe in you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-13 02:11 am UTC (link)
	[Tightens his hold a bit.] I promise, I won't give up on any of you. I would wait two thousand years for one girl, and I'd do that for each and every one of you. I promise I'll find you again. I know you can be strong enough until then as long as you can keep trying. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 02:14 am UTC (link)
	[there's a bit of a laugh at that, but really, there's no happiness behind that] Just don't take a thousand years, I don't think I have that long. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-13 02:21 am UTC (link)
	I'll steal the time machine and make sure I'm not too long then. Doctor won't mind, just a bit of borrowing. [Weak attempts at jokes. But sighs and kisses the top of his head.] Don't doubt you can change things, Spark. You're actually pretty amazing when you set your mind on something. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

devilishfiend
2011-11-13 02:29 am UTC (link)

[...d'aww. That seems to work pretty well, and he's finally calming down a bit]

I'm so sorry. I'm really sorry for doubting you like that. But I'm glad— I'm so glad everyone is still here. And I'll make sure to properly apologize to Dagger later.

It's a little funny, you know. I keep repeating the same mistakes. I really didn't believe I couldn't change anything on my own back at home, either.

(Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-13 02:37 am UTC (link)
	Dagger will probably need a lot of reassurance from his big brother. It's hard to avoid repeating mistakes when you don't remember them all clearly. But that's what friends and family are for. To help you grow and become a better person and make it through the hard times. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 02:42 am UTC (link)
	[wiping away his tears, and nods again.] You're right. As long as I have my family with me, I can turn this into something meaningful. Even if it hurts and even if I'll keep crying, I want to make sure i'll learn from my mistakes. Next time for sure, I won't forget that you're with me. [and did you say remember] ... we won again, didn't we. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lone_centurion 2011-11-13 02:48 am UTC (link)
	[Smiles fondly.] Good. I'm happy to hear that. [Cause daddy still loves you forever, even if he scolds you.] ...Corvus did. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	devilishfiend 2011-11-13 02:54 am UTC (link)
	[...I forgot we're not ONE team. He looks thoughtful for a moment before speaking] This is my fourth one. I don't want to let them pile up any longer, I don't think it's safe to take a lot at once, and that's already a large number. But, ah... I don't want to take them alone. I'm a little scared. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

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lone_centurion, 2011-11-13 02:58 am UTC

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