Adam Samuels (adamsammy) wrote in rrinitiative, @ 2012-08-28 23:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | adam, adam and mazie, day three, mazie |
screams in the night
Characters: Mazie and Adam
Setting: around 3am, Adam’s room
The dream was vague, but they always were. Bad smells, loud noises, and screaming, so very much screaming. She was screaming. And so loud, so really loud. He was trying to fend something off flailing as he clawed at it, the pain, the smell, he needed it to go away. And still the screaming, so much screaming. It wasn’t until he fell off the bed that he realizes the dream wasn’t screaming, he was.
Mazie didn’t get to bed until maybe..an hour and a half ago. After the game, she’d forcibly made herself get away from her computer, lie down and when that happened she fell asleep pretty easily. Well, until the screaming. She woke up to it, to this horrible, loud, frightening scream and after a moment of dazed, half-asleep thoughts on what the hell this was, she managed to realize it was coming from next door. Heading out of her room, she went directly to Adam’s and pounded on the door. “Sammy, open up! You better not be getting mauled in there!” She said just as she heard a heavy thunk behind the door. “Sammy!”
Adam’s chest was heaving, like he’d just run a mile, looking around the room, trying to find out the source of what had him screaming, what he was so scared of, but there was nothing there. Then someone was banging on his door and looked up at the door for a moment before managed to untangle himself and scramble towards the door, to yank it open. “What?” he said, still breathing heavy and staring at Mazie with wide eyes.
“Don’t you snap at me, you’re the one in there screaming your damn head off!” She said, pushing past him immediately go into his room. What she was doing in there, she wasn’t sure. Maybe making sure there wasn’t a damn axe murderer trying to chop his brains out. “What is going on in here?”
He was still shaking, not okay with the fact that he was in his underwear and a tshirt and then Mazie was in his room and he wasn’t sure what to do. “What... I mean.. It’s nothing Maze, go away.” Adam went back towards his bed, dropping to he was sitting on it, sheets and blankets in a tangled mess on the floor.
“Like hell I’m going away,” Mazie said, glaring at him a little as she sat herself down at his table and rubbed at her face a little, eyes closed. “The hell is going on, Sammy? You sounded like you were being chopped up...Are you hurt or something?”
Adam buried his face in his hands and shook his head. “No, I’m fine. I’m just...dreams. This is why I don’t sleep.” Because he usually woke up screaming or woke up in a cold sweat. “Seriously, go Mazie, I’m fine.”
“No,” She said more forcefully, feeling the anger start to build up a little, possibly from the little sleep she’d gotten. “What the hell are you yelling about, Sammy? Explain,” She said as she glanced back his way, watching him.
Adam winched when she snapped at him then looked up to watch her. “Nightmares Mazie,” he said, voice quieter than before. “I have these...they say their because of what happened, what I did, what happened in prison, all of that.”
Oh. Maybe she shouldn’t be yelling. Mazie stopped herself, trying to dial down the anger she felt from being woken up to realizing that vaguely she remembered something from him about the idea of nightmares before. “You wanna...talk about it?” She asked initially, not sure what else to do other than just ask. “Nightmares are the worst...” Though she didn’t seem to have them as much as he did. “Maybe if you talk it out it would help?”
He shook his head a little and went back to rubbing his eyes. “No. I’ve talked to more than one prison shrink, done a few nights in solitary so I don’t wake up inmates and after a while a I just started staying awake as long as I could stand it.” Adam looked at his hands, then over at Mazie again. “I don’t even remember what I was dreaming about. Just..terror and screaming.”
Mazie frowned, hating that she was hearing that from Adam. He didn't deserve that. They'd put him in solitary because of his night terrors? "Fuck those prison asses that did that to you...I'm not gonna let anyone do that to you here, Sammy. And I'm gonna stay here so you don't have to be here alone. Or you can come stay in my room, don't much care, but you shouldn't be alone right now."
Adam shook his head. “Solitary wasn’t all that awful,” he said with a sigh. At last he was safer there. When the rest of what she said filtered through his brow furrowed and he glanced up at her. “You’re going to...what?”
"I'm going to stay. Or you're going to stay. Either way, I'm gonna stay until you say it's ok for me to leave. And don't say it is immediately after this, I know that's a total lie." Mazie said, looking back at him seriously.
“You can go,” Adam said. “Where are you going to stay? I can stay awake if I need to. I’m sorry I woke you up.” He got up starting towards the door, intent on letting her leave. “Seriously, it’s fine.”
He might be starting towards the door but she wasn't, still firmly seated at his desk. "Where are you going?" She asked with a little look. "I already told you I wasn't going anywhere right now...You woke me up, I'm entitled to sit here and make sure you're ok. Maybe you were supposed to wake me up so I can help."
Adam had his hand on the door, but she wasn’t doing anything but sitting there. “I don’t need help Mazie,” he said with an edge to his voice that wasn’t there before. “You’re just gonna sit in that chair for the rest of the night watching me try not to sleep?” he asked, sarcasm dripping into his voice.
"Maybe," she answered seriously, looking back over at him. "Sit your ass down. We're at least gonna hang out right now. Sit down and we'll talk about other stuff, anything. Just sit down. I don’t care if you need the help, I want to help."
“Come on Maze,” Adam said, leaning against the door for a moment more before going back to drop on the bed. “What would you like to talk about while I sit here in my underwear?”
“I don’t care,” She reiterated. “We can talk about your underwear for all I care, just let me sit here until I’m sure you’re ok.” She didn’t have to stay all night, but she did need to be sure that Adam was ok. “Tell me about...fuck, I don’t know, how you’re settling in or whatever.”
He looked up at her, watching her for a moment. “I’m fine. Dominic thinks I’m some sort of victim, Becks seems to like me like me, which is great because she looks a little like the girl I killed, and I woke you up with my nightmares.” Adam let out a sigh and shook his head. “How about you?”
“Do you think you’re a victim?” Mazie asked, looking back his way. So Becka looked like the girl he killed, which was still a weird thing for Mazie considering he didn’t talk about that quite the way someone else who killed someone might. Not that she was an expert on that though so maybe he did. “I’m fine, adjusting pretty well considering I have a computer and that’s a major deal. But I don’t want to talk about me, I’d rather talk about you.”
Adam shrugged his shoulders slightly, feeling out of place even in just the small undershirt. “Have been. I was in prison some days. Other days they avoided me for what I’d gone in for.” It was hard not to sigh again, but that was how he was feeling. “There’s not that much to talk about Mazie.”
“There’s a lot to talk about, but you don’t seem to want to talk about it,” Mazie countered. “We all have a lot to talk about, but this isn’t about me right now. It’s about trying to help you not have nightmares. Or at least understand that when you do, I’m next door. What good is living next to someone if you can’t go to them when you need to?”
“Mazie you can’t fucking fix me,” Adam said frowning at himself when his voice cracked through the statement. He was supposed to sound tough and now he just sounded pathetic. “I have nightmares because I don’t remember. She was tortured and I don’t remember it.” He looked at his hands and let out a long breath. “That plus prison, where I alternated between getting the crap kicked out of me and being treated like a some sort of monster.”
“I’m not trying to fix you, Adam. I’m just trying to show you that you aren’t in prison anymore where anyone is going to let you get kicked around or treated like a monster. And if you can’t remember how she was tortured...that might mean something in itself, you know?” What did that mean? She’d have to ask someone, maybe Cal. He’d done all that psycho-analyzing stuff on her, maybe he could do it on Adam. “You ever think about talking to the Doc about this?”
“What could it mean?” he asked, looking up at her. “Just means I don’t remember.” And for the smallest of an instant that he thought it might mean he wouldn’t go to jail, it had eventually been jerked away. He shouldn’t have gone along with what she wanted. He’d been too drunk, too stoned. “Talk to him about what?”
“Could mean that you don’t remember it for some other reason. I don’t know what, maybe that you didn’t do it or something so you have no memories of it anyway...” She glanced back his way. “About this, about not remembering that stuff.”
“Mazie,” Adam started, but checked the comment. Telling her anything more than what he had already was toeing the line of telling her too much. Even here wasn’t safe from them, from what they’d said. “I hadn’t thought about it. I might. We’ll see.” Probably not.
“He knows stuff about this. He’s good at listening and might give you better advice than I would. Well, scratch that, would give you better advice than I would. And he’s a doctor. But as a friend, I think you need to ease up on yourself or you’re gonna drive yourself right to the grave with all this stress,” Mazie said.
“I’m supposed to stop being guilty about doing something wrong?” Adam asked. “What does that make me? I am guilty. I deserve to live with this.” He sighed a little, then propped his chin in his hands, elbows on his knees. “I’m not Robin Hood like you Maze.”
“That..what? Adam, no...you can’t even remember it, maybe that means something else. Maybe it means that you don’t have those memories to begin with?” Mazie’d been having a hard time believing that Adam of all people could really be guilty of what he’d been convicted of. “You don’t have to be Robin Hood, you just have to give yourself some credit.”
He wasn’t one to really initiate contact, but she wasn’t listening and she was getting too close to things he couldn’t be open about, so he did it anyway. Reaching out he caught her knee, looking at her seriously. “Stop Mazie. Stop. Please.”
She looked up at him, she tilted her head a little, and only then realized that maybe she was talking to him about something he didn’t want to talk about. And not just because he didn’t want to, but because it might be painful. “Ok, well...Adam just..I’m here, ok? I’m here and you can always just come to me. I don’t want you to feel alone.”
Adam let his hand linger on her, watching it for a moment. She had no idea how alone he felt all the time, how it was something he’d been so used to for so long. “Even if I’m not ready to talk about it?” he ventured, because that seemed to be the expectation.
“Even if you’re not ready to talk about it,” Mazie agreed, giving him a little smile. “I’m not going anywhere. I like you, Adam, so I’m gonna look out for you. Point blank, easy as that. So even if we just sit here in silence, I want you to know you’re not alone.”
“Don’t need a babysitter Maze,” Adam said shaking his head. He nodded back towards the bed, moving so his back was against the wall. “If you’re going to stay you might as well sit over here,” he said. “It’s more comfortable at least.”
“When’d you decide I was babysitting you?” She asked, standing up and heading to his bed to sit cross-legged on the side of it. Looking back his way, she gave him a little bit of a smile. “Definitely not your babysitter, man. Just tryin’ to be your friend here.”
“Then don’t worry as much about looking out for me,” Adam pointed out with a slight smile before he nudged her with his toe. “Never had a girl as a friend.”
“Easier said than done, Sammy,” Mazie said, smiling back his way as he nudged her with his toe. “Well, get ready Mister. You’re racking up all the ladies here, everyone wants to hang out with Adam Sammy.”
“You want to hang out with me, Becka kind of wants to hang out with me, that’s about it.” he said, resting his head against the wall. “You’re the one that seems popular.”
“Oh shut up, Becka totally wants to hang out with you.” Mazie grinned a little at him. “She’s cute too,” She teased, glancing as she looked his way. “Popular? Don’t think so. I’m not the popular sort.”
“Not these days...you’ve got Autumn for sure. And everyone talks to you on the computer thing,” he teased back. He shook his head about Becka, feeling his cheeks pink a little. “She is cute, but I don’t think...nothing like that.” Not now that she knew the truth. And even less when he got around to telling her the truth.
“Everyone talks to everyone on the computer thing.” She said back, leaning against the wall as she looked back over at him. “Becka is cute, real cute. You don’t know what it’s like yet, though. She answered to being your friend when I asked her.”
Adam thought about being squished under the tool bench and rolled his shoulders a little. “It’s close to being like something.” Maybe. There was some physicality going on there. “She did?” he asked.
“She sure did,” Mazie said, pulling her legs closer to her body as she sat there. “And we found you guys under the tool bench together, so there’s that too. I think she definitely likes you somewhat, otherwise she wouldn’t be hanging out with you.”
It felt like a middle school type conversation, but he guessed maybe he and Mazie were mostly on that level socially. He was at least. He was just making an assumption for her, being the computer geek and all. “She doesn’t know the whole truth yet,” he said, rolling his head to look at Mazie.
“...Then tell her? It’s gonna come out at some point. Tell her whenever you’re ready but the sooner you do, the less time you spend not telling her and the more time you spend with another person knowing.” Mazie said, shrugging a little.
Adam made a face. “You know what she’s in for?” he asked. “She helped some dying person who was miserable and in pain commit suicide. Even in her crimes she was nice. That might be nicer than what you did.” He shook his head. “Telling her is not going to go well. I figure the sooner I tell her the sooner I don’t get to talk to her ever again.”
“...That is nicer than what I did, in some respects. Wouldn’t know what to do around someone who’s miserable and dying.” Even in her crimes she was nice, that was definitely true. Shrugging, Mazie sighed. “I don’t know much about her other than that I tripped over her in a fit of rage to get to the kitchen, but she was sweet even then. So you could be right, or you could be deciding she couldn’t handle your truth. You don’t know.”
“You actually tripped over another person?” he asked, giving her a little look. “You are a special breed Mazie.” He laughed slightly then shrugged not wanting to think on Becka more. “I’m just supposed to hope for the best? I answered half empty on that question.”
“Yes I tripped over her, so what? I apologized and she was fine,” I hope. “Yeah, you and me both on the half empty front. I don’t know if hoping for the best is gonna work for either of us. Maybe we just hope for answers?”
“Only you would manage to trip over a person.” Adam shifted so he was closer to her but not too close. He was getting tired again, starting to droop even if he didn’t want to fall asleep again. “What kind of answers?”
“Just answers. In your case, what kind of people will listen to what you have to say about yourself and not freak about it, maybe. Not sure yet, not good on the whole...speculating for the best thing. But I think you should give Becka a shot. If she let me trip over her and didn’t get mad, and we already know she likes being your friend, it’s worth considering when you’re ready to tell other people.”
Adam sighed again and leaned against her more, bumping his shoulder against hers. “I’m just not ready to tell anyone yet.” Though maybe if answers were all they were going to get then he should stop hoping for more.
She nodded a little, letting him bump his shoulders into her and shifting a little so he’d be more comfortable if he just sat that way. “Doesn’t have to be now. Just think about it and know you don’t have to keep it bottled up.”
Adam didn’t move, finding the small amount of contact soothing. “I guess I don’t,” he said softly, trying to fight off a yawn. “Don’t want to fall asleep,” he grumbled, trying to force himself awake but failing.
“Go ahead and sleep, I’m not going anywhere,” Mazie promised, smiling a little at him. “Just close your eyes and get some rest and I’ll be here.”
“I’ll just start screaming again,” Adam said, but stayed close to her. He doubled her being there would help, but he was too exhausted to tell her to go. Nonetheless he let his eyes close, breathing already starting to even out. He couldn’t really fight sleep, not after staying awake the whole night before.
“Not when I’m here,” Mazie promised, knowing she had no real control over that but she still needed to say it anyway. For now, she would sit and let him rest. And she wasn’t going anywhere, not until morning came, because she felt she needed to be there for Adam and what was more, she wanted to.