stephanie brown has been (reincarne) wrote in rooms, @ 2014-12-02 04:32:00 |
|
|||
Entry tags: | !dc comics, *log, eddie nigma, stephanie brown |
log: steph/eddie - after dami
WHO Stephanie & Eddie.
WHAT eddie comes to check in.
WHEN After all this
WHERE Wayne Manor
WARNING sads, cursing, etc.
Stephanie had spent days in the clinic. After her less than successful conversation with Eddie, after crashing and burning all over the place, she spent day and night in her East End clinic to show solidarity after what happened with Damian. The nurses all gasped and frowned over the state of her, over the bruises and black eye and swollen nose and fractured rib, but they knew better than to force her to go home. Most of them weren’t really privy to her life outside of work as it was, but they could tell it wasn’t better out there than it was here. Plus? Dr. Nashton was notoriously stubborn. She was the doctor to go to when there was no hope left but you wanted to keep trying anyway. So many people were inexplicably saved by the good doctor. They knew she wouldn’t go home, so they just coddled her in little ways: brought her coffee, made sure to have a seat available if she needed it, slipped her some vicodin when the pain got to be too much. One of the nurses even made sure to bring in some Thanksgiving leftovers to her because she knew the doctor hadn’t a home-cooked meal in a few days.
Even if she didn’t say it, Steph appreciated all of it so much. The girls, her girls made her feel like blinking back into this Gotham wasn’t going to be a complete unmitigated disaster. Even if things were going to keep crumbling everywhere else, she would protect these girls and these clinics with her life if she had to. She had already done it with Damian; she would cling to this and this alone if she had to. She wanted her family back, she wanted Eddie, but she didn’t know if she would get any of that back. So she focused all her energies on her clinics, on her babies as Eddie called them. She didn’t even go out as Batwoman -- there was no point.
Sleeping on the couch in her room became the norm, if you could call naps sleeping. She jolted awake after a couple of hours of sleep of her own accord and wandered into the waiting room in the same pair of rumpled scrubs she had worn the day before. As she went to go speak to the shift leading nurse, a young girl named Suzie, to ask about the status of some of the patients, she overheard a couple of nurses whispering about a body and the mob. Before she could ask, she felt a buzz on the phone in her pocket. Transcribed comm conversations from the batfamily line, and as she scrolled through, her face turned from fatigued to dread. Without even thinking about it, she ran back to her office, grabbed her car keys and coat, and let Suzie know that she was going back home for a family emergency.
To say the least.
She immediately went to the cave to meet Helena and set up for Bruce and Damian’s arrival, and it was clear that she had shut down completely and slipped into her typical doctor mode. This wasn’t her brother coming in. This was some kid on the streets. A mob goon. Someone caught in the crossfire. She would do whatever it took to save them, but would call it as she saw it. Stephanie wasn’t a sister in that cave; she was a doctor trying to save a patient's life.
Hours later, and she sat in the spacious kitchen of Wayne Manor staring off at the wall, still in those same wrinkly pink scrubs. Her eyes were bloodshot, her blonde hair in a mess of curls around her face. Flounder sat at her feet, looking up at her wearily, Isis was in her lap, and Bandit was curled up on the stool next to hers. There was a tumbler of very expensive scotch sweating near her hand, practically untouched. She knew there were others somewhere in the manor; she knew there was probably something she had to do. She wanted to break everything in this fucking old house, but all she did was sit, and stare, and run her hand over Isis’s fur every now and then. Hollow, and so fucking tired.
The fun thing about the Wayne manor was the way it echoed. Eddie liked that he could hear someone in the hall talking from the grand library. That one step up the grand staircase would make the whole house creak all the way up to the attic where ancient chairs were covered with white sheets like deformed ghouls. While he lived there, he learnt how to sneak through the house quietly, though he always found it difficult to make a silent arrival through that front door.
So, he used the side entrance, through the kitchen. He had a feeling that things with Damian went south fast and even Stephanie’s magic couldn’t heal him, so Eddie wanted to be here and unseen. The rest of the family were probably angrily mourning and the green man had no idea how to comfort them. Frankly, the only person he was thinking about was Stephanie. When the door opened he saw Stephanie immediately and smiled as Flounder wandered over to say hello. He was in a very nice suit. Black and green and a tie that said money louder than a stack of gold. His hair was slicked back, face shaven clean and he smelt faintly of cologne and smoke. If she looked, Stephanie could see glitter all up his arms and down his front. Sure, Eddie didn’t drink anymore, but his recent problems with her drove him back to strip clubs and really it was only a matter of time before he started asking around for Echo or Query.
He was under a girl with orange hair and a sapphire colored lace when Bruce’s voice coughed out a grim update. Something seemed wrong and Eddie guessed that the boy either didn’t have long to live or was going to be stuck in a coma for a long time. Either way, his duties as a green bat meant he had to give Jason the fake body. Eddie’s thoughts were with Stephanie, of course they were, but he needed to make sure the deal went over smoothly. Once the body was accepted, Eddie didn’t waste any time getting to the manor. He knew even if Damian survived, Stephanie would be devastated.
The smart thing to do would be to stay in the club and let the girls grind away his problems like the old days. But, he worried about Stephanie. He wanted to be there for her. And he knew he always had to be the guy who was there for her. It was a compulsion, a cursed part of being in love with her. Eddie hated it, he hated everything his relationship with her had become, but he still showed up and made the fucking effort.
“Hey.” Eddie said and decided that since she was up here with booze and not down there with her brother, he wasn’t with them anymore. “He didn’t make it, did he? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” The riddled man reached down to pet Flounder and then walked over to Stephanie.
Stephanie heard the door open and Flounder trotting over to greet whomever had just walked into the kitchen through the back door. She took a deep breath, assuming it was Dick or Bruce or Babs or Helena, but when she saw Eddie in the doorway, she was visibly relieved. “Eddie,” she said, her voice cracking slightly. She rubbed at her damp cheeks, at her bloodshot eyes, and she placed Isis on the counter next to her drink. The glitter caught her eye, but she didn’t say anything about it. She knew what it meant, and she had no place to say anything, did she? They weren’t married. They weren’t even officially together, were they? And she had spent ten years away from him, fucking and feeling for other men what she vowed years ago she would only feel for him.
She pushed herself off the stool a little wobbly, leaning against the counter. There was no drunkenness in her movements -- that one glass of scotch had been her only drink. It was just physical and emotional fatigue. She couldn’t believe she was going through this again, and she was still momentarily shut off. Shellshocked. “At least I’m not going out and nearly killing goons this time,” she said, a mirthless scoff slipping out of her as she swiped at her eyes again. As he stepped closer, she she stepped closer too, and couldn’t help running her hands down his arms, down that expensive suit. Glitter sticking to her fingertips. The contrast of the state of them, him and his Riddler-ready gear and her in her messy doctor’s wear and blonde hair sticking every which way, amused her more than it should. She shook her head, retracting her hands in case he didn’t want her touching him. “You didn’t have to come,” she told him quietly, eyes downcast and voice heavy. “But I’m really fucking glad you’re here.”
Sure, Eddie was stuck on that new-found belief that the magic of their relationship was just a lie they told each other to get through Earth-3. She didn’t love him, not even after he had patched her up and invited her to his bed and he couldn’t figure out why. He didn’t know how she could stop loving the one man who worked harder than any other in her life to make her happy. Maybe it was payback for breaking her heart after the party, maybe it was just that there wasn’t anything special to begin with between them. But, all that had to be put aside. He could dwell on it later when beautiful women under strobe lights sat on his lap and played with his collar like he was the richest, most handsome man in the Gotham underground. Now, he just had to be there for her as long as she needed him to. Eddie didn’t know anything else. It was programmed into his system now.
“The last thing we need is another bat pissing off the mobs.” Eddie said with convincing humor in his voice. The walls were up with enough charm and ease that it didn’t appear to be so. He took her hands as they retreated off him and guided them around his middle before he pulled her into a hug. “I’m always going to be here when you need me, Stephanie.” He told her and the riddled man believed it was one of the few vows he never broke. Sure, he walked out on her, but if he heard that it made her crazy or suicidal, he’d run back. He’d give up just about everything for her and that could never, ever change. “If Damian died, it was because he wanted to. I know it’s selfish of him, but I believe he’s in a better place now. We always end up going somewhere else.”
Steph laughed at his attempted humor, shaking her head. “Yeah, you’re right. Plus, they’d all have an unfair advantage,” she said, waving a hand at her face. “We all know I’d kick their asses to the ground otherwise.” The bruises were going brown and yellow at this point, but she still looked like the victim of a mugging gone wrong. Her nose was still ugly swollen, and her rib throbbed, but she didn’t seem to feel any of it. Whether it was because she was mourning her brother or because Eddie was close could have been either answer, but the way her fingers clutched to him as he guided her arms around him was telling enough. The way she didn’t hesitate burying her face in the nook of his neck told him he was always going to be the best salve to her pains, even if he was sometimes the one causing it. Her fingers dug deeper, like she was trying to imprint her mark in his suit, in his flesh, and she pressed her lips to his neck. He could feel the beginnings of tears against his skin, and she took a shaky breath.
She knew that she loved him; she knew that Eddie was the love of her life. She wouldn’t deny that she had fallen for a guy or two over the past decade, but those were blips on the radar. None of them lasted in the long run. And maybe that was because Stephanie just wasn’t built for long-term relationships, but maybe it was really because her heart belonged to a man in another Gotham that she wasn’t sure she would ever see again. And here he was, in her arms, and oh god, she wanted to love him as much as he loved her. But it would be cheap to tell him so right now. He would think it was just because her brother was dead again. Or because of their conversation before Thanksgiving. Neither was true. Her feelings never left; she just had a hard time quantifying them. Digging them up from the back of her brain and heart after burying it to protect herself after years of longing for him.
She sighed, turning so that her cheek was resting against his shoulder. “Yeah, but that’s selfish of me. Isn’t it? To have you here when I need you?” But she shook her head, buried her nose in the crook of his neck for a moment as he spoke again. Her breath went shaky, and she pulled back to look at him. “I want to think that.” She squeezed her eyes shut, pursing her lips and fingers twitching in his blazer. “I really, really want to believe he went to a better place, but I just--.” Shaking her head again, Steph cleared her throat and blinked up at the impressively high ceiling of the kitchen. She couldn’t believe this was happening. That she was losing her brother again. After a moment, she rolled her head down and looked at Eddie. Blinking away tears that were still coming. "We didn't even get to make up. That's silly, isn't it? That's what I'm fucking mad about. We didn't even get to make up before...." A huff, and she peeled one of her hands off him to wave a dismissive hand like she was being dumb.
If she ever tried to tell him that she loved him, Eddie wouldn’t believe it. She didn’t the night he patched her up and treated her like his wife, so why would she now? What could have possibly changed besides him telling her to back off? And if that was what made her love him, then he didn’t want any part of it. He hated this. He hated starting over when he felt like he was still locked in deep under her thumb. “It doesn’t matter if it’s selfish, it’s just the truth.” Eddie ran his hand over her hair and held her a little tighter before letting go. He wandered over to the counter and started making himself coffee. The green man was exhausted by everything and something about strip clubs these days made him want to crawl into a corner and nap. This big, dark, empty mansion wasn’t doing him any favors either.
He cleaned out the coffee pot and looked over his shoulder. “You haven’t really spoken to him on civil terms in ten years. Right? I don’t think making up was really in the cards once he started calling the bat family disgusting.” Eddie let the water fill up the pot and he turned to look at her. “Still, I don’t think it’s stupid. I understand that feeling.” He left it at that, turning back around to put the full pot of water in the coffee machine. There were all different kinds of coffee here, expensive enough that the bitterness would be called an art. He picked something blonde, something light and he watched the machine brew.
Stephanie leaned into his hand, eyes closing tightly as silent tears slipped down her cheek. No matter what Eddie said, she felt selfish having him there when he didn't believe that she loved and appreciated him. Her blue eyes blinked open, watery and bloodshot, and she looked at him for a long moment. Trying to understand how he could still be there after everything. She remembered the rockiness of their relationship right before she blinked into another Gotham. She knew he needed space. And yet here he was. Her heart ached, and she resisted the urge to pull him back when he stepped away to make coffee. But she did gently run her hand down his face before he turned, fingertips tingling from touching his skin.
"Can you make me a cup, too?" Her hands closed around the tumbler of scotch, and her stomach turned at the thought of the burn hitting her stomach. She stared at the contents of the glass as if considering whether the nausea and burn would be worth it while Eddie went to work on the coffee pot. "I know that. Logically, I know that I shouldn't even forgive him. Look at my fucking face. Look at how worried my girls are. But, he's my brother." Present tense. She wasn't thinking about that yet. Sighing shakily, she gave him a flash of a smile. "I am forgiving to a fault, I think." Shaking her head, she walked to the sink and dumped the amber liquor down the drain before rinsing the glass out. Steph leaned her hip against the sink, wrapping her arms around herself. "Maybe not to a fault. I'm just really good at forgiving people, I guess."
Eddie visibly didn’t understand the watery gaze. How could she love him now? How was that even possible? He didn’t want to trust any of it, so he let the questions fall and ignored their relationship problems for now. The point was that he needed to be here for her and she needed him there. Maybe that was something.
The riddled man leaned both his hands on the counter and watched her at his side. He knew from experience that it didn’t matter what he said to comfort her, none of it would take away the pain of losing a family member. “That’s one of my favorite things about you.” He said softly with a smile and then reached up to get them some coffee mugs. “Frankly, forgiveness was what made this family so strong. This one. Not any I’ve seen before.” Eddie poured her coffee first, making it exactly how she liked before she got zapped away to the other Gotham. “Forgiveness is why I worked so hard to be one of you. Why Jason actually has a future instead of a death sentence. I think Damian was incapable of forgiving anyone, including himself. Sparing a life isn’t just about letting a person live. It’s hoping they’ll do something better. He didn’t seem to have that.” He handed her the coffee and touched her fingers when she reached for it. His serious expression flipped into a soft smile. “I hope he knew how much you cared about him. Deep down, I hope he knew.”
She gave him a flimsy sort of smile, but it twitched up more and more as he spoke. "One of?" she teased before she could help herself, shaking her head like she didn't want him to take the bait. Why was it so easy to slip into some old habits with him and yet she couldn't articulate her feelings for him? There was something there, an inexplicable magnetic pull that always drew her back to him. That kept him on her mind for a decade in spite of other men, of trying to move on, of trying to forget that Gotham to protect herself.
But still, that smile lingered a little as he spoke about forgiveness in this Gotham. He was the perfect example of it, wasn't he? Former rogue, now a Justice League member who was close friends with the Bat and married (though still begrudgingly) to another bat family member. "It's easier for me to forgive than be bitter. Well, mostly." There was of course her awkwardness with Death, but they seemed to be okay now. "This is the one Gotham where redemption really works if you want it to. And honestly? I think it's because of Bruce. He's such a good influence on all of us in the same way we've been good influences on him." She loved Bruce so much as a father figure and a friend, and she truly believed this city wouldn't be the same without him around.
When Eddie's fingers touched hers, she felt her heart race just a touch more. She took the cup graciously and dared to step forward just a little more. "I hope so, too," she said, voice cracking just a little bit. She put her mug on the counter and swiped at her burning eyes again. "I really hope so." She wanted to add more about hoping Eddie knew how much she cared about him, but she left it at that, though a flicker in her blue eyes was betrayal enough. "The family is going to be a fucking mess."
“One of many.” He assured her and tried not to taste any bitterness in his mouth. Oh, there was a time he could ramble for hours about all the things he loved about her. Now, it was locked away in some box he refused to open. But, it was still there. It was still buried in him, refusing to budge. He focused instead on her unrelenting admiration for this Bruce and he found it charming. He respected this Dark Knight more than any other and while he wasn’t what Grayson or the other birds wanted him to be, Bruce was the best friend Eddie ever had. He forgave and Eddie hoped that if he and Selina went ahead with their plan to take down the mob from within, he’d forgive them for that, too.
“I think it might be easier this time.” The riddled man said cautiously. “Damian’s words, while mostly false, made me realize that he was right about one thing. We are at the beck and call of the mobs. The city I’m trying to rebuild can’t be the place I want it to be with so much family influence. I think he might have united the family in his brashness. I think things might start changing soon. Hopefully for the better.” With his relationship with Stephanie being on such rocky ground, Eddie only had the city to pour his love into. He’d do what he could to save it, even at the price of his own soul.
She flashed him a soft, adoring smile, and she told herself not to push. He asked her not to push, and she wouldn't. Stephanie missed a time when this all seemed so organic, so easy that it was basically breathing, and a tiny, miniscule part of her wondered if it would have been better if Owlman had killed them all those years (for her) ago. They wouldn't have been miserable, they wouldn't have had to rediscover themselves again, they wouldn't be going through this pain.
She dared another step forward and grabbed her cup of coffee to cradle it in her hands. She looked up at him, messy hair and scrubs and purple bags prominent under her eyes. "We are. This city's been run by the mobs for a while now. No rogues really right? So of course the mob is going to spread their influence more." Stephanie's mouth tightened to a thin line. As much as she tried to be neutral for her clinic, it was clear where she stood with the head honchos of the families. "Hopefully this sticks. Every time we get together it just crumbles for some reason or another. We need to stick together, especially now." Not just in mourning, but in their battle to clean up this city like they should have been for a long time. "I know he was right about some things. About some of us...losing focus, I guess. But it was just so hard before." She reached up and brushed some of the glitter off of his arm with a funny sort of smile. Glancing down, she saw the tiny pieces catch the light and she didn't try to wipe it off her fingers. "Now," she said, looking up at him with coffee still untouched in her other hand, "now I know a few things, at least. And wanting to save Gotham is one of them."
Eddie watched her brush the glitter off him and he didn’t feel guilt or even shame. He needed to spend the evening with a girl or two who made sense to him. That would treat him well for money and tell him secrets about the city he knew so well. Aren’t you married, they’d ask and he’d wonder aloud when that stopped any man from walking in there before. Those girls were different from his blonde bat. They made him feel good. Stephanie was an expert at breaking his heart, something that girls at strip clubs never managed to do. Eddie leaned on the counter and looked at her rub the glitter between her fingers and he took a sip of his coffee.
“I want to ask your permission for something.” The green man said after a moment. His dark eyes were serious and for a moment it was hard to see him as the neon colored rogue he was known to be. “Selina and I think this might be the best time to take the mob down from the inside. Inside being the key word. I can’t keep building this city with their power looming over me. I need to weaken their hold on the city the right way, the rogue way. If there’s any hope for us, for a family, then I want it to be in a Gotham where the mobs can’t tell me what to do.” There wasn’t necessarily hope in his voice for a family. Her lack of love for him shot that down before it even got to take flight. But, he knew it was still a possibility. That eventually they might get back together and want children the way they used to.
Stephanie didn’t really judge his time in the clubs surrounded by beautiful women. She had no leg to stand on for that, and if Eddie needed to find a way to heal himself -- and if that way was with curvy girls pressing their bodies against him and treating him like royalty for money -- she couldn’t begrudge that. It didn’t discount her jealousy of course. She was jealous at the idea of some other women rubbing up on him; she could only imagine how Eddie felt about the trysts she had during her time away from this Gotham. She just wished that she could be the balm for his pain. That she was the one who could make him feel good. But, she wasn’t, and she was painfully aware of that in that moment. Glitter still clinging to her fingers, she finally took a sip of her coffee, and there was a smile she couldn’t help. “No one ever got my coffee right except you,” she murmured, sipping again. Light and sweet. He knew exactly how much milk to put in and how much sugar. Stephanie couldn’t help but be charmed.
The mug found its way to the counter, and she wrapped her arms around her middle as he spoke. She looked surprised immediately. “You’re asking me for permission?” she asked, maybe a little astonished that he even considered her opinion. Why should he? He was convinced that she didn’t reciprocate any feelings (which wasn’t true), and they weren’t acting like man and wife still. The surprise, however, melted into a concerned frown, and Stephanie tried her best not to jump to twenty thousand different reactions. “They need to be stopped. And I want a Gotham where you and me could have all of that together, too,” she began, drawing quiet for a moment. Wasn’t that telling enough? That she didn’t balk at the idea of them or a family? Still, she didn’t like the idea one fucking bit, but she trusted Eddie implicitly. “Are you going to be safe?” Not will you be well or are you going to be drawn into their world? Steph knew that Eddie was stronger than that, that he wanted different things out of life than what he used to have. What the mob could offer him. “You think you can keep in contact?” A selfish request, of course, but she couldn’t bear the thought of having distance put between them when they were on shaky ground as it was.
“You are the most important person in my life. You, whether I’d like to admit it or not, are my life. I want your permission.” Eddie didn’t look away from her, his dark gaze settling on her blue eyes. He sounded so old fashioned in that moment, like a man asking his woman for her good grace before taking on a challenge that could be too big for him. And, she was right in knowing that there would be no temptation for him. Eddie didn’t see gold the way he used to and power was something he had plenty of, with or without the mobs. “I don’t know how safe it’s going to be. If Selina and I fail, I will most likely be killed. Or hunted until I’m run out of Gotham. But, we know what we’re doing and the alternative is letting the mobs eat up Gotham again.”
He set his mug down, rubbed his fingers over his bottom lip in thought and then took a step closer to her. Eddie picked at her scrubs, thumbing over the thin fabric as he pressed his body against hers. “I’ll have to paint you as an ally of the mobs. A healer of both worlds. But, I think we can keep seeing each other.” He exhaled through his nose and reached to tug at her messy blonde hair. “I hate that I keep running to you. I wish-” The riddled man shook his head. “At the end of the day, you carry a piece of me wherever you go. Even though you got to reset your life, I know the Stephanie I fell for is still there. I’m always going to love every part of you. I just get so damned tired of getting my heart broken by you. I wish you loved me back. That’s all.” Eddie tugged at her hair thoughtfully and then stepped away, reaching for his coffee again.
Stephanie looked right back in his eyes, measured and unblinking, with her arms still wrapped around her middle like a piece of armor. Messy blonde hair framing her face and her lips turning down into a deeper frown. Her heart ached something fierce for Eddie, and she wanted to do nothing more than take his pain away. But how? She had no fucking idea what to do or say. There was a number of things she could do or say, of course, but they would seem disingenuous to him, she was sure. She could explain her feelings or cry about her brother or tug him into her arms or try to balm it away with physicality. Pull him upstairs to her bedroom and see if she could make him forget just for tonight. But, she didn’t do any of that, not yet. She just looked at him as he spoke, and maybe her eyes did prick with tears for all the things she had lost or were losing. And for his pain, of course. More than anything, she felt for his pain.
When he stepped closer, she took a sharp intake of breath and didn’t stop her hands from wandering up and down his arms, catching more glitter on them. She pressed her body up against his, tired eyes looking up at him and practically pleading him to tell her what to do. She wanted to apologize again, but that did no good. Instead, she tugged at his blazer as he pulled on her hair, and when he stepped away to grab his coffee, she moved to close the gap again. “If I told you I did now, you wouldn’t believe me anyway, would you?” It wasn’t accusatory, it was just honest, and she wrapped her arms around his middle before he could protest, fingers digging greedily into his back. “Eddie, you know how important you are to me. I fucking need you in my life. You don’t-- I had to bury those feelings away when I was gone. The first couple of years? I could do it, I could spend time waiting and wishing and hoping that you would come and we would still be happy even if I was a kid again. But, then it became four years. Then five. Then seven. I couldn’t survive like that.” Her hand reached up to touch his face.
“You are the most important person in my life, and that never stopped. Even when I saw that other you, even when I couldn’t remember every inch of ink across your skin, every scar, every crinkle around your eyes, I knew you were the most important person in my life. But I couldn’t-- there was no way I could stay there and keep dreaming of getting back to you. I had to protect myself.” Her fingertips slipped across his hairline before slipping into his dark curls. “Now you’re here. Now I’m here, and I just...it’s there. I know it’s there, baby. I need time to unlock it.” Shaking her head, Steph leaned her forehead against his chest, and her breathed a shaky sigh, and she willed herself not to cry. A couple of tears hit his expensive tie before she pulled back. Bloodshot eyes blinked, and she tried to smile bravely. “You have my permission. Of course you do. But you don’t have my permission to die, okay? You aren’t dying.” She pulled her other arm from around him and rubbed his arms again. “If things get bad, I want to go in there. I’m going in there and getting you out.”
Eddie knew that logically she made more sense than he did. Which, he thought, was a feat all on its own. His feelings weren’t something he tried to reign in because when he did they always got out of control. He simply loved her and instead of hiding it, he wanted to show her and he was realizing now that it would have been better to keep his cards closer to his chest. He sighed and shook his head when she pressed close to him again. He wrapped his arms around her, held on tight and dipped his head down to rest on her shoulder. “What if there isn’t anything there.” Eddie whispered. “What if I’m just some memory that makes you feel good and there’s nothing behind the curtain?” And, that was his biggest fear. Being nothing. Being zero.
When she pulled back, he did too and cocked his head to the side. Her tears made him smile sadly and he bent down to kiss some of them off her cheek. He licked his lips instinctively at the salt because it was familiar. It was her. “If things go bad, I’m not leaving Selina there.” Eddie said seriously and perhaps even heroically. There was such a change with the riddled man. From the first time he helped the Justice League get their tower to now. “If things go bad, we’re going to need the bats to get us both out.” He stood up a little straighter and looked over her shoulder before back down at her. “I don’t think Bruce is going to agree to it. I don’t know if I want to do it without his good graces, either. But, what other chance does this city have?”
Her eyes fluttered shut when she felt his lips on her cheek, and she couldn’t help wrapping her arms around him again. She couldn’t let him go, and it was a mixture of longing for him and mourning for losing her baby brother again. She couldn’t lose Eddie, too. Sure, now she would survive as she had in the other Gotham, but he would be around as a constant reminder. There would be worlds of pain for her if she couldn’t hold on to him, if she couldn’t save him like she couldn’t save her baby brother from himself. “There’s always something there,” she whispered back, mouth screwing up just a touch. “There’s always going to be something there, Eddie. You have to believe that.”
Her eyes slowly slid open and she looked at him with a mingling sense of admiration and pride. Years ago, he would have insisted that heroism was never in the works for him, and she would believe him. But here he was, proclaiming no man left behind, and she couldn’t help but admire that. Her fingers tightened in his back. “We won’t leave Selina behind either. Of course we won’t.” She pressed her body practically flush against his, eyes still red and watery, and she shook her head. “If Bruce doesn’t approve, we’ll figure something out. We have to. This city can’t survive like this, and Damian--” There was a hitch of her breath. “It couldn’t have been for nothing.”
Eddie shook his head. There was doubt written all over his face because he couldn’t imagine her falling for him now. If there was no magic spark, if they weren’t cosmically connected the way real lovers were supposed to be, then how could anyone really love the riddled man? Still, what could he do? Eddie loved the way she touched him, loved the confessions she made and the way she looked at him and knew what sort of man he was. So, maybe he’d hang on a little longer even if it was going to hurt him badly in the end. The Nashton men were notorious for being romantics, after all.
“Remember when Jason had Carnage? We had that big meeting and planned. Babs and I brought our own reading material? It was good. We were all on the same page.” Eddie rubbed his hands over her arms. “I wish we could do that kind of thing now.” He didn’t know if a war council would really fly when it came to planning to infiltrate the mob, but he wanted to have a long talk with Bruce about it once he was done grieving his son. If he could ever stop. The riddled man sighed at all the planning that was in the future for him and then kissed her cheek. “Tell me what I can do for you? Do you want me to stay? You could take a shower and I’ll make you something to eat or we can just go find a place to hide around here.”
She pulled back to tug on the lapels of his blazer, to smooth her hands over his front, to run her fingers through his hair. It was so surreal to have him here still after years and years of dreaming and hoping and wondering if she would ever see him again. She was practically obsessed with the fact that he was here and she had another chance with him, and she couldn’t even fathom the idea of letting him go. Sure, it was selfish, and maybe it was causing both of them more harm than good, but she knew that she had feelings for him. She knew that she could unlock that safe once again if she was given time.
“Yeah, I remember. That was really good. We were working together for the first time in a long, long time.” Her fingers caught on that tie and twisted it around in her grip. “We could try to get people together if Bruce gives his blessing.” A shuddering sigh, and she took a moment to center herself. “After...after everything.” She didn’t seem hopeful about Damian’s prospects, and they were still waiting on Bruce’s arrival downstairs. She leaned her cheek into his kiss, and then she sighed. “Stay? Please? I don’t-- I can’t be alone tonight.” She cupped his cheeks with her hands, and she was bold enough to kiss him on the mouth. Savoring the taste of him. Steph lingered there for a few moments and then suddenly burst into tears, as if the shellshock of her brother being dead finally wore away. Heaving great gasps, she buried her face in the crook of his neck and held onto him desperately, like he was the only thing keeping her from collapsing into herself. She babbled on about not being able to save him when she should have. She sobbed over things she just kept losing. She almost begged him to make the pain stop, but she just continued to cry instead.
“I won’t leave.” Eddie kissed her back without thinking and he could feel those angry walls he put up take a tiny break on the sidelines. He wanted away from her like a dog who wanted off his fucking leash- until she insisted on holding him. Until she kissed him like he was the only piece to the puzzle that could make things right. In that tiny moment lingering before the death of her brother hit her, Eddie knew he couldn’t leave. Even if his hope for them was dwindling and he knew she’d wise up eventually and break this marriage for good. How could she possibly want to stay with a man like him if she wasn’t already in deep for him? It didn’t matter right now. He said he wouldn’t leave and he meant it.
The burst of tears caught him by surprise, but he didn’t shrink away. He held her close, arms wrapped tightly around her and he let her cry. Eddie told her it was going to be okay. That Damian was in a better place now, he had to be. The green man let himself get drowned out by her sobs and he didn’t let her go. He rubbed her back, he kissed her hair. Falling into this was as easy as the night she arrived broken and bruised on his catwalk. And while he hated seeing her like this, a tiny part of him savored the pain he felt for her. It wasn’t something he had felt in a very long time since his empathy for her had run so fucking dry over the past year. But, here it was. She made his heart ache and for once it felt like it must have been a good sign.
Heart throbbing both from the loss of Damian and gratitude (and yes, love) for Eddie holding her so tightly, Stephanie gripped onto him so tightly that it seemed like she might snap him in half. It was greedy, the grasp, and she wasn’t going to let him go for a long fucking time. As long as he would let her hold him. Her knees wobbled just a touch, and she leaned her entire body into his, feet sliding in between his feet. She heard snatches of his words and assurances, but all she could focus on was holding onto him and not letting go. She murmured his name against his skin, lips dragging against his neck as her finger dug hard into the small of his back.
Eventually, when she exhausted all her tears and couldn’t catch her breath anymore, she hiccupped and pulled back to look at him. There were no words, but he could see the gratitude and affection in her eyes for him. No one else was there to hold her, and she didn’t want anyone else to do so. Her brother was dead, her family was going to be a wreck again, and the only thing she could even begin to hold onto in that moment was him. The possibility of she and him becoming them once again. She looked up at him, and she couldn’t find the words, so she kissed him again. Salty, watery kiss that held all her pain and aching in it.
Eddie knew bats, he knew most of them wanted to get past the comfort stage fast and go find a solitary corner to brood in. Stephanie would do the same if he wasn’t there. He knew she didn’t grow up with anyone to hold onto and so comfort was a thing kids like them needed to look inward for. So he thought the embrace would be quick, that she’d dry her tears and find an excuse to go lock herself in the bathroom. When that didn’t happen, when they stood there for so long his feet felt like they were going to fall asleep and his back was raw and sore from her digging fingers, he couldn’t help feeling wanted. Loved, even if that was simply impossible.
He kissed her back, pushing against her body as if he didn’t want any space between them. His fingers threaded through her hair and he tried to kiss her pain away. Tried to replace it with something warm, something there. “I’m here, okay?” Eddie held her face and waited for her bright, watery blues to look up at him. “For as long as you need me. I’ll be right goddamned here.”
A noise rumbled from the back of her throat when he pushed against her, and her arms wrapped around his shoulders tightly. She could feel her fingers and toes warm, could feel her heart throb with affection, and she pressed back hungrily for a moment. Maybe it was a little inappropriate with her family milling around the manor and her baby brother laying on a cot downstairs dead. But she needed this, she needed him, she needed his lips against hers. The assurance that he wasn’t going anywhere. It was grounding, weighty, and she was so fucking glad for that.
Her blue eyes blinked up at him, and she couldn’t help a tiny, sad smile as he comforted her and assured her. “Thank you,” she said, and there was more on her tongue, but she left it at that. “Thank you, baby.” The baby might have been premature still, but it was so easy to say. Her arms loosened around his shoulders, sliding down his arms until she could grab one of his hands and entwine their fingers. The other slipped underneath the undershirt of her scrubs and pulled out the chain with that computer chip necklace on it. Stephanie kissed it before holding it out for him to do the same. After a moment longer of looking at him, of leaning against him for support, she asked, “Come up to my room? I just- I want to lay down for a bit. With you.” It was bold, sure, but she was so goddamn exhausted and wanted nothing more than for him to hold her as she fell asleep for a short while.
He smiled when she called him baby and he didn’t taste any of the bitterness before. His heart ached for her and god all of this fucking hurt if he stopped to think for a second what would happen once she didn’t need his comforting anymore. But, he kept chasing the thought out of his head. He wanted this moment with her, he wanted to feel needed and that he was doing something to help her. So, he wasn’t going to worry about tomorrow or even the hushed city that sat so far away from this old mansion. Eddie kissed that pendant with his eyes on those bright blues and then pressed his cheek against hers in a tight hug.
“I can do that.” Eddie pulled back to look at her and then held his hand out so she could lead him upstairs. “Fair warning, if it’s a tiny bed I still won’t be bothered to sleep on the floor. You’ll have to manage with me in your personal space.” His rough voice was tinted with that riddled lightness. Like fire through fog. He pulled her hand back long enough to kiss the back of it and then followed her up the stairs.