- (sonrisa) wrote in repose, @ 2018-08-26 03:36:00 |
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Entry tags: | *delivery, *voice, atticus mcvickers, steve mcrory |
Delivery: Atticus M
[Left on Atticus' made bed at the Carriage House is a letter. Tri-folded, it's set on top of a 7" vinyl single of a favorite song of Steve's. The letter is written on yellow legal paper, in black ink in a fairly legible hand.]
Dear Atticus, I love you. It's something I should've said aloud a long time ago, but I didn't know how. Then, when things with Janus progressed, it felt like I couldn't say it, not without making someone upset. But, I should have and I'm sorry I didn't. I wasted a lot of time feeling uncertain, worrying, being the kind of coward I never felt I was. But, time changes everyone, and I'm included in that. I don't mean to be over-sentimental. I don't mean to be sappy. But, I've walked away from love before. It was the right thing to do and it was what she deserved. But, I'm not doing it a second time—a third time, I guess. I have a hard time telling what's right anymore. Things have blurred. I hope this is the right thing. You mean a lot to me, Atticus, and to lose that by my own hand isn't something I can endure again. It's not something I want to endure again. Before we met, I was safely adrift in my loneliness. Out to sea, seeing no one and nothing beyond the swells. I wasn't happy, but my grief has numbed over the years. I distanced myself everywhere I could, not wanting to make any connection I couldn't break without leaving a mark. I didn't want to leave a mark. Not a bruise. Not a footprint. I didn't want anyone to mourn me, not again, and I didn't want to cause anyone pain. It was never sustainable, but I tried. Meeting you was a fluke. Two ships, right? With some obvious complications. I know this is dramatic. But I have you to thank. You reminded me that I wanted to be more than numb, that I wanted to connect, even if it came with a cost. What doesn't come with a cost? I've paid higher prices. But, I'm not ready to do that yet. I love you, and it's okay if you don't love me. I just want you to know it's true, regardless of what happens. I want to work this out. Call me when you get this, if you're open to the idea. I convinced myself the best way to save everyone pain was to cut ties completely, and maybe I should, but I'm not going to. Can we try again? Yours, Steve McRory |