Lavender Juliette Brown (spiceandsass) wrote in reduxlounge, @ 2016-12-17 20:38:00 |
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Entry tags: | player: meg |
OOC: An Update and a lot of explanations about Meg
Hello everyone - I am not going to say alot here above the cut. Just a warning that what is below is long and it's been simmering for awhile. It's me explaining in detail why I haven't been able to be in chat and why I have been struggling of late. It's also explaining why I am still on the mod team with Erin M and exactly why I was hoping I wouldn't have to get this personal in my explanation. If after you read this you have questions or want to discuss something with me - please feel free to contact me here - but I will not make custom threads - so everything will be out in the open, on my AIM (MegWrt) or at my personal email: megschaos@gmail.com.
Thank you for your time in reading this.
It’s been awhile since I posted something like this….and I was hoping I wouldn’t have to. That I could count on people - if they had issues to approach me - via AIM or email - and address said concerns. But that doesn’t seem to be the situation. So I am forgoing my privacy and more than a little dignity - and posting something here that I have brought up with Erin (as a co-mod) and a select few others with whom I felt comfortable. I have posted several OOC Community posts being very generic and vague - and for that I am sorry. I didn’t feel like I should have to spill my soul, but that is what I am going to be doing. So buckle up - it’s going to be a bit of a ride.
You may have all noticed - I am not in group blast chat. That is for several reasons. One is anxiety based. It brings on stress and I tend to get overly emotional and shut down. THis is all due to OOC conversations (most recently due to the American elections where I fully understand as a conservative Republican I am in the minority of my online communities. I didn’t feel like I could voice my opinions without bringing on on a lot on confrontation.) and because of another situation I will be discussing shortly. Also, y’all are chatty and I cannot (for whatever reason) turn off my AIM chat rooms in the browser version I use at work. And it was distracting. However, I am still on AIM. I still have my email. And there have been a select few that have used either to reach out to me with concerns/questions/etc.
The reason for the heightened anxiety is my mental situation. I am a manically depressed, bipolar person with social and situational anxiety issues. Who takes a series of medications to remain the shining beacon of crazy you see before you now. Because of allergies, chronic migraines, etc - I have to take name brand tier one meds. To those who don’t have the amazing American health system - it means I have to pay top dollar and very little of my meds are covered by my insurance. THose meds have doubled in price, due to my new job my son no longer qualifies for his reduced rates of medical insurance for his anxiety and ADD. Which are also expensive as all hell. And my insurance for both of us has gone up a little more than double and is set for another rate hike in January. All of these out of pocket expenses (on top of other financial situations I will go on to next) have caused me to not only work my nine to five job, but I have taken up my tutoring again as well as college essay review and AP English and History exam prep to help offset the costs of these things. But even with all of that - I cannot afford all of my meds and my son's meds. So his are coming first. Yes, I am aware that there are programs available with the drug companies and yes I am trying to get on those to help offset costs. But it's a bit of a process when you haven't needed the help before.
What other financial situations you ask? Well that delves into my family life. You see my father is a diabetic with heart issues who thinks he is smarter than his doctors. My parents moved in with my son and I over three years ago due to his complications with his diabetes ( he has open wounds on his legs that won’t heal and have decreased his mobility, he tends to not check his blood sugar and thus has crashes often.) Three months ago my father was diagnosed with dementia and early stages of Alzheimer's. He has lost his driver’s license which means that now my mother and I have rearrange our work calendars to get my son to school and other various activities. This was discovered when my father had a very vocal disagreement with the water company when they came to turn off our water because he had paid them. He hadn’t. He didn’t remember the bill. He had dug himself into a financial hole with his portion of the bills - most of which were several months past due. So my mother and I have been working overtime, taking on extra work in my case to dig him out of this hole. While dealing with a very scared and angry 68 year old man who feels like we are taking his life away from him. It got to the point where he locked my son out of the house after a disagreement with him (even going so far as to unhook the garage door so he couldn’t use the keypad) and then not remembering doing this. It’s December in Iowa. My son’s phone was in the house. I had to leave a conference call at work to rescue him because I was the closest person.
Add on the stress of my son’s non-custodial parent (who owes me more than 75K in back support as I have never gotten a dime) has come out of the woodwork again. To those who weren’t around five years ago - this is the man I had to get Human Services involved with because he hit my son with the metal end of a belt for not being calm and reasonable. M son has ADD and his father refused to give him meds because he didn’t ‘believe’ in them. While it was in the court order he had to - he would instead make my son watch as he flushed them down the toilet. THis is also the man that knew of my son’s terror of large dogs and would let his wander the house freely so that my son lived in fear a vast majority of the time he was there. So I also have legal fees on top of everything else because I am having to get ready to go back to court and helping him deal with the emotional upheaval he is going through having to relive all that stress and fear all over again.
ALL of these things have come to a head in the last four to five months. And I have been trying my hardest. I have been posting and I have been as active as I can be as a player. I posted stating for personal reasons I was stepping out of chat and letting everyone know how to reach out to me. I have been on AIM and available - EVERY DAY. I have been reachable by email. And there have been THREE people that have reached out that way. I have approached Erin several times and asked if she wanted me to step down as Mod, if she would prefer if I left the game - and she has said no. So I help out with plot posts and with app reviews. I stay available if people need me. I post and reply as I can. And I hoped that would be enough. I had hoped if people had issues that they would come to me and let me know.
“Hey- Character A has a ward to one of yours! Do you want to thread it out?”
“Hey, haven’t seen you in a bit - are you still alive?”
“Are you up to threading with Character A and B?”
But it has been radio silence. And with that radio silence - it’s been hard for me (see anxiety issues) to reach out again and say ‘Hey, I love writing with you - can we write again?’ Because I didn’t want to have to spill my soul like I have just done. I wanted (and hoped) the community would rally a bit around my characters and me and meet me half way. But when that didn’t happen - I didn’t feel like I could reach out. And it’s a shitty reason and excuse. But it’s true. I didn’t feel like I could even try coming into chat. I didn’t feel as welcome - which yes is partially my own fault. And I own that.
But I have been trying, and thus I have kept helping from the shadows a bit. I have been modding and posting and trying desperately to keep my head above water. I have been in daily contact with Erin about game business and player issues. And she finally said ‘Meg, I think you need to know this is an issue.’ And thus - here I am. Addressing the issue. In a way I was hoping I wouldn’t have to do. Because this is frankly embarrassing and humiliating. I wouldn’t ever expect one of you to have to lay out your life issues. I am a mod though and I understand that there are other expectations of me. I have said it in other posts and I will say it again here.
I am not in blast chat for personal reasons. I am available in my AIM office as MegWrt. I am available at my email of megschaos@gmail.com and also at the mod email address. I am asking if you have questions or comments dealing with specific things - that you come and speak to me there. I am not disabling comments here however. So if you feel you would like to have a discussion here - then let's have it here. I am open and willing to do so. I have spoken with Erin today about modding and my situation. She is aware that I am going to be posting this. But I am posting this as me. Meg, mod and player. Not as part of the Mod Team.
In closing allow me to say this - I am sorry. I am sorry I was vague. I am sorry I cannot mentally and emotionally handle being in blast chat. I am sorry that me trying this hard hasn’t been enough. But I am still here. My characters are still here. I am open for plots and people. But if you have an issue with me or my characters - please come to me. Please address it with me. I am not evil (the horns fool many it is true) and I don’t bite unless I am asked to. I am human and I make mistakes - and not being more open with you all is one of those mistakes. So I am saying that I am sorry. From the very bottom of my heart. I am really trying to do better - for Erin and for the game. For my characters and for all of you.
Thanks for your time.
Sincerely,
Meghan
Sirius, Millicent, Marcus, Viktor and Lavender