MichaelOwnsMe (foreverbm) wrote in qaf_drabbles, @ 2008-06-05 17:28:00 |
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Entry tags: | author: foreverbm, challenge #69: season 3 |
challenge #69 - Season 3
Title: Rejection
Author: Foreverbm
Timeline: Season 3
Pairing: Ben and Michael
Condom: My beloved Michael 5 to Vic
I ground out my half-smoked cigarette as Michael walked towards me, coffee in hand. I took it from him, no word of thanks, as he sat next to me on the bench.
I knew he would find me; I was surprised it had taken him this long.
He began to speak. I listened, but my thoughts were not on his words. They were back to the day years ago when I was handed a piece of paper the word ‘Positive’ typed on it.
I’d raged against it, going through all the emotions from to anger to self pity to acceptance.
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I told myself it was not a death sentence. It was part of me. I didn’t want it but had no choice in the matter. So acceptance won. Until now.
Michael reached out for me, but I pulled away. The hurt in his eyes made me flinch, but I ignored it. He was waiting for me to talk, but it was easier to shut him out.
I wondered how much of that he would accept before he walked away. The thought of him not in my life scared me more than this disease, but it didn’t stop me doing it.
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His words finally penetrated my mind, but his reassurances that I did everything right and that I was nothing like Paul did little to ease my feeling of complete hopelessness
I didn’t want to die; to let this fucking disease win. To be robbed of a future with Michael.
I felt his eyes were boring into my soul as I sat; that somehow he could see the thoughts that were jumping around in my mind. But I still couldn’t share them with him because in some stupid way I thought that if I did this fucking disease would touch him.
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“Ben?”
“What is it Michael?”
“It’s cold, we should go inside.”
“You go. I will be up in a minute.”
I watched as he turned from me, his slight frame hunched up against the cold as he walked away, and I hated myself at that moment. He loved me. I knew from the way he held me in the middle of the night when dreams woke me in a cold sweat; the way his belief in me had never wavered.
Yet I pushed him away.
I lit another cigarette as the streets grew quiet and light rain began to fall.
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A sudden gust of wind caused me to shiver. The cold pervading my body had nothing to do with the weather. It would not disappear when I climbed into our warm bed and let myself be wrapped in Michael’s arms, his whispered words would not change anything. There was nothing he could do to change the situation, love was not the answer this time but I knew what the answer was, the way to make myself whole again. I would do it tomorrow. I stood, flicked the cigarette into the gutter and began the slow walk back to our apartment.