MichaelOwnsMe (foreverbm) wrote in qaf_drabbles, @ 2008-01-20 10:01:00 |
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Entry tags: | author: foreverbm, challenge #48: angst |
Challenge #48 - Angst
Title: Love and Other Bruises (Parts 13 - 17)
Author: Foreverbm
Timeline: Season 3 - post 308
Condoms: 5 to Michael
“You are destroying yourself and us, it’s as simple as that!”
“Michael….listen to me….. please!”
I knew if I gave in now he would convince me once again that everything would be alright. He would offer the same excuses I had been listening to since Paul died and he decided that the same fate was going to befall him.
He couldn’t or wouldn’t see that he was nothing like Paul. He had always taken care of himself, done everything right but his mindset was such that no words from me would change it and I knew it was decision time.
“Ben, I have been here for you, waiting for you to talk to me but you continuously shut me out. I understand, as much as I can, how you are feeling, but steroids are not the answer and if you can’t see that, then… I really don’t know what else I can say”
He opened his mouth to speak but I held up my hand, knowing if I didn’t say what I was feeling, the moment would pass and our lives would just drift until the next time something happened and by then maybe we would be completely beyond repair.
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I believed we were worth fighting for, because God knows I loved him, I just hoped he felt the same way.
“I guess what I’m trying to say is… you have to make a decision. I can’t live like this, I feel like an abused partner…”
“Michael…..I would never….”
“I don’t mean physically but mentally. I am scared to say anything, never knowing what your reaction will be, the silences, the lack of affection, the lonely hours while you are at the gym are wearing me down. I thought you would turn to me but you turned to steroids instead”
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I looked at him, his eyes showed no emotion, the shutters had come down again and I knew my words weren’t getting through to him. He was hearing them, but he wasn’t listening to them.
“Michael….”
I took a deep breath, summoning up the strength I needed to say what needed to be said.
“You have to decide…” I could hear the shake in my voice and hesitated for a moment before finally managing to continue, hoping like hell I wouldn’t break down, because if that happened I would be lost. “You have to decide between me and the steroids.”
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I watched as a spark of anger flickered in his eyes, as if to say, how dare I ask him this.
His hand reached out for mine. I pulled away, not wanting, but desperately needing his touch, but not like this.
I knew I was holding my breath waiting for his answer, our love and our life would be decided in that instant by his words.
His voice was cold and had a hard edge to it when he finally answered
“Michael….. times have been rough lately I know but….”
My eyes met his.
“Are going to stop using it?”