| Attempt at Challenge #203: Hurts so good |
[Jul. 6th, 2011|01:20 pm] |
He felt angry enough to explode. He did not know where to put all of his hate, it was all over the place.
Hate at his mother - that was the easy bit. But then it got deflected by guilt and pity. She had deflected blows that should have gone to him. He thought back to the humiliation, and then came the next wave of unwanted feelings.
Guilt. Because somewhere deep inside of him there was a believer who actually believed what they told him. He was her punishment. His sins caused her pain.
Self loathing.
He hated himself that he had let his mother put him down again, again. He hated himself for braking his promise to never let her get to him. He hated himself for feeling guilt when he despised the emotion. He hated himself because it was all his fault. Everything. His fault. They were right.
A long time ago, he thought when he was a man he would make her life better. Somewhere inside of him, he still thought that. But he also knew that he could never heal he and make her better. He hated himself for hating her, He hated himself for this secret emotional weakness. He wanted to be stronger then this. He expected more of himself.
He hated himself because he felt.
He started to descend. He felt himself sitting in the darkness, slime and mold, unable to get up, guarded by demons that he could not see or fight.
But he did get up. He went to the bathroom and took out a razor and made a small, but painful, cut.
Relief washed over him like a wave, almost instantaneous. He could have cried or laughed, but instead he gave a half smile. He was on his own side where he needed to be.
He looked after his wound and stopped the bleeding. A bit like his mother sometimes used to do when he when he was little. He gently wiped it with disinfectant so that there would be no long term damage. It stung. It hurt so good. He felt punished and he felt redeemed.
The high wore off a bit as the pain went down. But the crisis was over and forgotten.
He closed his shell and leather bracelet to cover the wound and his secret, Lit a cigarette, and went to Babylon to get his dick sucked. |
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