pendulumchanges (pendulumchanges) wrote in qaf_commentary, @ 2009-06-20 10:56:00 |
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Entry tags: | author: pendulumchanges, commentary |
What Can Compare
_alicesprings pimped this asylum because it's been pretty quiet, so I figured I'd make some noise :)
The fic I'm going to give some commentary on is What Can Compare, a short little ficlet of just 286 words. The link takes you to the original posting with comments, but since the fic is so short I'm also including the full text below the cut. Be warned, just because it's a short ficlet doesn't mean the commentary is short :P
Title: What Can Compare
Author's Notes: Just a little tiny ficlet based on fun_demented's prompt "Sex in the Rain", posted on May 22nd in qaf_prompts. Many, many thanks to secretsolitaire for her AMAZING beta skills! *huge hugs to both of you* (Cross-posted here on LJ and here in love_qaf_fic.)
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I'm not sure whether it's the sound of rain tapping on the windows or the feel of Brian kissing my shoulder that wakes me. Both gradually trickle into my awareness at the same time.
My lips tilt up in a small smile as I roll over to face him, my eyes still closed. The sound of the raindrops and the sprinkle of kisses on my cheeks nearly lull me back down into sleep. My fingers trail along Brian's chest as he shifts slowly to kiss one cheek and then the other, to kiss from forehead to nose to chin and up again. His kisses stop falling as he nudges my cheek with his nose. I turn my head enough for him to burrow his face down into my pillow, leaving us temple to temple, breath warm against each other's ears.
Some nights Brian completes his little ritual and goes back to sleep. His slight snores rumble quietly in my ear and carry me back into a warm, peaceful slumber.
But some nights he settles down against me and, instead of snores, I hear his voice. He tells me that it's been too long since he's tasted me, as if it's been days and not merely hours. Or he whispers that he wants to come inside me again. Or feel me inside him.
I'm on the edge of sleep when I feel his hand sliding down my back. He shifts his hips just slightly and, with a gentle hand on my ass, presses us together. I'm aware of the sound of the rain still tapping on the windows. It fills the space of a breath as I wait for him to tell me what he needs tonight.
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So first, the prompt was, in its entirety, "Sex in the Rain." I'd been itching to write something for a few days, but nothing had been inspiring me, so on the Saturday morning when I wrote this I woke up planning to post a request for fic prompts in my journal. When I checked my flist, however, I came upon fun_demented's prompt and just went with it. When I started writing all I did was open up a blank document and close my eyes and think about the sound of rain falling. Then I typed the first two lines, but with an ellipsis in between them. Most of the time I don't really start with any sort of idea for a fic, I just type bits of dialogue or images that come to me and hope something turns itself into something worth posting *lol* Seriously, I've got a 14-page document called "B/J - WIP" that's full of scraps of randomness that might one day turn into some fics.
I wrote this whole ficlet over the next hour or two, pretty much just letting it flow. I just closed my eyes and imagined Brian and Justin doing what I wanted them to do, which that day was cuddle in bed in the middle of the night :) - My fingers trail along Brian's chest as he shifts slowly to kiss one cheek and then the other, to kiss from forehead to nose to chin and up again. His kisses stop falling as he nudges my cheek with his nose. - So the first paragraph flowed out of nowhere, the second paragraph came from carefully imagining exactly what was happening in their bed, and then I paused. Where to go from there? I think I checked to see if I had a drabble, but it was well over 100 words and I didn't want to cut it down and lose the stuff I liked, so I decided to try to keep writing. Then the first sentence of the third paragraph sprang onto the page - Some nights Brian completes his little ritual and goes back to sleep.
And I thought, huh, where'd that come from? Is that right? Would this be something Brian did often enough to call it a "ritual"? And this is when I stopped to think about the timeline. When I start a fic I do sometimes think about the timeline (usually I'm trying to decide if I want to write post-bashing angst or cancer-arc angst), but in this case I hadn't given it much thought until then. I knew this was set in a happy time when Brian and Justin were very much together. It could be set in S3 or maybe in late S5, but the precise timeline doesn't really matter because by either time they've already been sleeping together (and I do mean sleeping, not fucking) for years. So sure, I figured, Brian has this cute little middle of the night ritual.
One other note on timeline… I've heard several authors whose writing I appreciate say that an author's note as to the timeline shouldn't be necessary. The fic should speak for itself and the timeline should be clear from what you've written. I agree completely. I'd just add that I think there's room for fics that have an ambiguous timeline. Not an ambiguous, confusing timeline due to poor writing, but an ambiguousness based on the idea that the moment being written about is timeless. For this ficlet the timeline isn't essential to the story. This moment could be happening three decades down the road if that's what makes the reader happy. It can be S2, S3, S4, or S5. Actually that's the point. It's something that happens all the time between Brian and Justin. It's just one little timeless snapshot of teh love.
So where are we now… ahhh the highly rewritten fourth paragraph. I sent off my first draft to secretsolitaire at 11:45am. At 11:57 I sent it again with an already edited fourth paragraph (see 2nd draft below). Then I patiently waited for the next EIGHT AND A HALF HOURS for her reply *LOL* I was not so patiently checking my email, wondering what she was doing with her life that could be more exciting then betaing my ficlet (she was sick and napping on the couch poor thing), and considering sending it off to someone else to beta, but I really wanted her opinion, so I held out. Usually I write something and want to post it rightthatverysecond! But I'm very glad I waited. She disliked the ellipsis between the first two sentences of the first paragraph (always the first thing my betas jump on, I can't help it… I love a good ellipsis! :P ) and suggested I change the fourth paragraph because "being inside" and "coming inside" are very similar (see 3rd draft below). Oh! And until I just typed this I forgot that I had sort of decided I wanted the fic to be post-513 in some monogamous future where Brian and Justin don't use condoms and really do come inside each other… so yeah, forget all that stuff I said above about it having an ambiguous timeline :) It's just a super secret barely hinted at post-513 monogamous future timeline *facepalm*
1st draft of 4th paragraph: He tells me that it's been too long since he's been inside me, even if it's only been a few hours. Or that he wants to taste me, as if it's been too long since the last time he did that too.
2nd draft of 4th paragraph: He tells me that it's been too long since he's been inside me, as if it's been days and not merely hours. Or that he needs to taste me again, as if it's been too long since he did that too. Or that he wants to come inside me. Or feel me inside him.
3rd draft of 4th paragraph: He tells me that it's been too long since he's been inside me - or come inside me - as if it's been days and not merely hours. Or he whispers his need to taste me again. Or to feel me inside him.
I still didn't really like it and neither did secretsolitaire who said, "What I liked about [the earlier version] was the way you juxtaposed Brian topping and Brian bottoming: "Or that he wants to come inside me. Or feel me inside him." I liked that rhythm and those two concepts together, the predictable and the surprising. So what if you started with something else, and ended with those two?" So that led to the 4th draft...
4th draft of 4th paragraph: He tells me that it's been too long since he's tasted me, as if it's been days and not merely hours. Or he whispers that he needs to come inside me. Or that he wants to feel me inside him.
Final draft of 4th paragraph: He tells me that it's been too long since he's tasted me, as if it's been days and not merely hours. Or he whispers that he wants to come inside me again. Or feel me inside him.
See why I'm glad I waited for her? Then I had two ideas for the end of the ficlet and secretsolitaire told me which one was better and I agreed:
Version we went with: I'm aware of the sound of the rain still tapping on the windows. It fills the space of a breath as I wait for him to tell me what he needs tonight.
Alternate version: I'm aware of the sound of the rain still tapping on the windows. It fills the space of a breath as I wait for him to tell me what tonight will bring.
Then I had to pick a title. My roommate, who knows I like the show QAF and has a vague understanding that I have friends online who like it too, but who doesn't know that I write fiction about it, was informed that I'd written something (just something, something fiction) that needed a title. I told him it was about waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of rain falling. He suggested "Evapotranspiration". *ROFL* Obviously I didn't go with that. The random (but somehow fitting) title comes from the lyrics to the song "Little April Shower" from the movie Bambi because it was stuck in my head the entire time I was writing. You can listen to it on YouTube HERE. Lyrics are:
Drip, drip, drop
Little April shower
Beating a tune as you fall all around
Drip, drip, drop
Little April shower
What can compare with your beautiful sound?
The response to this little ficlet seriously overwhelmed me. Such wonderful feedback from so many people. Thanks so very much again to all of you! And thanks again to fun_demented for the inspiring prompt and to secretsolitaire for the amazingly wonderful beta help! And to _alicesprings for this cool asylum! It was really fun to think through all of this again and write it up! And to you, yes you, who are still reading this. That was well over 1000 words about the 286 words that are actually in the ficlet! Thanks for reading!