Fanfic Reading Club: From A Safe Distance
Welcome to the Angst Hour!!
No one does angst the way bigboobedcanuck does. From Dead Lesbians to Dead Jennifer, she forces us to read against our will, knowing that it's gonna hurt, knowing that we'll cry and wail and gnash our teeth, and somehow making it okay in the end.
When I finally look back at the restaurant, Justin is on the steps, frozen. For long moments, he’s like a deer in the headlights, until he suddenly bolts towards the beach, walking quickly. I slam the car door and follow him, the pill bottle clutched tightly in my grasp.
As my feet hit the sand, I call out his name. He looks over his shoulder and speeds up, and I stride towards him, anger fuelling my steps. “Don’t you fucking run away from me!”
At this, he finally turns. He’s too goddamned pale and part of me just wants to get him back inside before the rain really begins to fall. I stop a few feet away and we stare at each other.
“What the fuck is this?” I lift the pills up, still clenched in my fist.
“Zidovudine. It’s an antiretroviral.”
From A Safe Distance is a h/c slash HIV-scare fic. There are several of these in our fandom, most of which are very good. But this one gets the BBC treatment.
It's an AU set after 414, where Justin heads for LA to work on Rage: The Movie. While he's there, something happens. Something that has scared him to death, and something that Brian can feel from 3000 miles away. But he can't get Justin to tell him what. After making a surprise visit to LA, he finds out, and is rocked by his discovery. After confronting Justin, we get to the hub of the issue:
“I’m scared.” I can barely hear him, his voice muffled against my neck, the rain intensifying.
I feel so powerless.
But at least he’s here with me, warm and breathing and alive, and he’s going to be fine. I’ll make sure of it.
“I know how you feel,” I tell him, pressing my face into his hair. I want to climb into his skin, I want to make everything all right. “I know what it’s like to be afraid.”
He loosens his grip a tiny bit, and looks up at me. “Brian, if I’m positive—”
“You’re not.” I won’t allow it.
BBC is also good at weaving seemingly unrelated subplots into her fics. In this case, she gives us glimpses of what Brian is doing back in Pittsburgh to pass the time. We get a mostly amusing series of scenes involving Hunter, and what begins as secret assignations.
I wait at the counter for my order, and as I’m paying and collecting my brown paper bag, Hunter sidles up beside me.
“Hey,” he says.
“Hey yourself.”
He leans in close and says in a low tone, “I don’t have to be back at school for almost an hour.”
“This is the problem with education today, they give you brats too much free time.”
He smiles slowly and leans closer. “Come on, you know you want to.”
I pocket my change and thank the waitress. “I’ve got work to do.”
With practiced ease, he turns on the seductive charm. “Come on. You won’t be sorry.”
I take a deep breath and then cast a quick glance around the diner, noting that Deb is busy with a table in the back. “Let’s go.”
What?? What could they possibly be up to?
“You remember the rules.” It’s a statement, not a question.
He sighs. “I know, I know. I tell anyone, and you’ll kill me. I got it.” He takes his seatbelt off. “Come on, I’ve been dying for this all week.”
Kids. Always so impatient.
I open my door and he does the same, practically skipping around the front of the car as we exchange places. Once he’s settled in the driver’s seat, he dutifully snaps the seatbelt into place and waits for me to do the same.
“Okay, what’s the first thing you do?” I pop a stick of gum into my mouth to combat my hunger, and I hope the waitress remembered to put my salad dressing on the side.
“First, I put the clutch in. Then I turn the key. Then I take off the emergency brake, which isn’t on anyway.”
I nod and he executes the instructions as the ‘Vette roars to life. “Okay, now ease it into second.” The engine shudders a bit, but he gives it more juice and successfully makes the transition.
“Okay, now third.” He’s actually proving to be a good driver, and he grins as he shifts gears. “Now fourth, and that’s as high as you go.” The lot’s not big enough to be roaming around any faster than that.
“Sweeeeeeeet! This car is fucking awesome.”
“I know,” I say, but I can’t stop from smiling. A boy needs to know how to drive, and he’s sure as hell not going to learn from Mikey and the Professor and their ten speeds. I figure I can teach him the basics before those Driver’s Ed idiots get their hands on him. This is the third time we’ve been out, and he’s picking it up pretty well. The kid’s a fast learner.
There are also scenes with Daphne, who brings Justin's growing distance to Brian's attention. And we get to see Brian spending more time with Gus as a way to stave off the loneliness. Alas, it doesn't always go well.
Christ, I need a drink.
Instead, I head into the bedroom and flop down on the bed. Staring at the ceiling, I consider the fact that I just hit my son. I didn’t even think twice about it before I did it. I know there’s a difference between spanking your child and what my old man did to me, but I don’t like this feeling.
That I could hurt him.
But I know that kids don’t understand reason, and that Gus will sure as hell stop and think before he tries to cross the street alone again. He'd better. My stomach clenches when I think about what would have happened if that driver hadn’t had such good brakes, or had been distracted, or…. I close my eyes, trying to ward off the images.
The bathroom door opens and I hear Gus climb up onto the platform around the bed. I look at him, and he stands there for a while, watching me. His eyes are big and round and sorrowful and when I open my arms, he clambers on top of me. I hold him close, his head resting on my chest.
“I’m sorry, Daddy.” He still can’t say the letter ‘r’, and I smile despite myself.
“I’m sorry, too. But you can never cross the street unless you’re holding an adult’s hand. You know that. Your mommies and I just want to make sure you’re safe. You understand?” He nods, and I run my fingers gently through his hair. He eventually falls asleep, and I think about shifting him off me so I can get some things for work done.
After seeing Justin, discovering the problem and assuring him that he will not abandon him, Brian is left with his ever-growing fear that Justin might, just might be HIV positive. Of course, being Brian, he smashes this fear to dust every time it rears its ugly head. He may drive it away for a time, but until the test results are in, he, Justin, and we are left to wait, and worry.
I try not to over-analyze it or think the worst, but it’s proving difficult. I’ve left two messages, but I haven’t heard a word. I’m starting to get pissed off, and if he doesn’t call me soon I’m just going to turn my phone off and to hell with him.
I check my watch again. It’s 6 p.m., which means it’s 3 in L.A. Not sure what time his appointment was, he was vague about it. I double-check my cell phone to make sure it’s on.
“And here’s Carl in the pool at the swim-up bar. They have a bar right in the pool, can you believe that?”
Debbie’s eyes twinkle and I nod and smile in all the right places. I check my watch again.
6:01.
And wait. And worry.
And since this is BBC, we know things will work out. We just don't know how.
Brian's voice is strong here, as it always seems to be in BBC's fiction. She loves and understands him, and it shows. We see the fears that he will show to a very select few, and the strength that is the core of his being. The survivor. And we see what everyone knows: how very much he loves Justin.
This is one of my favorite stories. Tell me why it's one of yours!