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Tweak says, "I feel pretty"

michael corner is reluctantly growing up (mlcorner) wrote in pandorarpg,
@ 2012-01-15 22:04:00

Entry tags:

!status: complete, ^date: november 12 2003, character: anthony goldstein, character: michael corner

Characters: Michael Corner & Anthony Goldstein
Setting: Anthony's flat, 12 November 2003, 7:00pm
Rating: PG-13 for language and possible arguing
Summary: Big kid sleepover! Memory speculation, zombie invasion, muggle warning system, BFF arguing, & moaning about The Lavender Situation.

Michael was exhausted and it wasn't even really fulfilling considering that there was still a tremendous amount of work to be done in the streets of Diagon Alley and elsewhere in the Wizarding World. He'd spent most of the day at the Leaky Cauldron trying his best to keep the mindless bodies from destroying the place and whatever other nearby building he could help defend. It was grueling work, especially considering it took them ages to realise that so many of their spells weren't affecting them in any way. Michael could barely believe that just the night before he had been worried about such menial things like Lavender being in his flat and now there were mindless bodies roaming all over the place. With all the shite they already had to deal with, why would they get more added on top of it all?

Now he only wished that the situation with Lavender staying at his flat was one of his only problems. Really that problem had escalated tenfold just last night when she decided to say those words he could not handle hearing. None of it probably would have happened if he had just kept his intentions to himself but he never knew when to keep his mouth shut and leave things be. Michael was smart, but he never seemed to learn with Lavender - he was constantly tripping up because she was always throwing him for a loop.

And then there was Anthony Goldstein, his best mate he could always rely on, regardless of whether or not he said extremely stupid shite he knew he was going to regret later. Because unlike Lavender, Anthony had been with him for twelve years and knew him backward and forward even if Michael liked to pretend that he could still fool him. And even now knowing that there was a pretty good chance that Anthony was going to call him out on some of the things he'd said in the journals, Michael still wanted that comfort of being with him even if a row could be involved. Because even arguing with Anthony felt like something familiar and home to him, unlike how he had felt with Lavender invading his space the past few days and that was exactly what he needed right now. So he may not need to stay at Anthony's, but it was something he wanted to do anyway, since he wanted to consult with him about the memory obliviation idea that had crossed his mind when he was talking about the potions with Lavender. There was no one better to talk to about it with than Anthony. And of course with all the mindless bodies wandering the streets, he wanted to check in with his friend anyhow.

These were all valid reasons for him to show up at Anthony's flat around seven that evening. Rather than knock he just opened the door because it was essentially an extension of his own place in most ways and Anthony had learned to set his wards to include Michael if he did not want to deal with an incessant amount of whinging. Unlike at Michael's flat where he might actually be shagging someone, there was no need to worry about Anthony entertaining since he was still so adverse to such things. It was really rather sad and Michael had to get him a shag at some point. "Honey, I'm home! I hope you aren't wanking in here!" Michael called as he closed the door behind him and tossed his bag on the floor near the sofa.

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-20 12:38 am UTC (link)

Anthony gave a sharp bark of laughter at that because he didn't feel fine, or like he'd be fine and just happened to currently be overreacting to the idea. The very idea of things transpiring that way made him feel sick to his stomach. Almost as sick as Michael being under the delusion that Anthony had apparently only continued this friendship based on comfort, or convenience, being a constant, or whatever. He wasn't even sure he wanted to continue this conversation as it were.

"Are you kidding me?" He finally asked, pushing himself off the sofa and to his feet and just managing to not glare at Michael. "I keep telling you, have been telling you for years and yet you can't see enough to give yourself more credit, and I can't do anything about it until you do. There were things that you were better than me at, things you still are! And I'm not talking about dealing with people or any of that rubbish, so don't even try it." He ran a hand through his hair, trying to think that rational was the answer. He couldn't just run away with his emotions and say whatever came to mind just because Michael was saying stupid, stupid things, only made even more ridiculous by having heard them twice in less than twenty-four hours.

"And while we're still talking about this," he started, the expression on his face still dark, "I haven't just gotten used to you and I wasn't just humouring you by being your friend -- I sure as fucking well wouldn't do that for as long as it's been, either. Do you realise that you telling me that I'll be fine doesn't actually make it true?" As if hoping to distract himself, he went to get rid of the mug of tea he'd made before Michael's arrival as it was surely cold by now.

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mlcorner
2012-01-20 01:08 am UTC (link)

Michael had his mouth half open, about to say that being able to talk with people really wasn't that big of an accomplishment but Anthony sort of stole those words right out of his mouth. He remembered Anthony (and even Terry) telling him over the years what he was supposedly good at but it was not something he really comprehended. When he spent most of his time at Hogwarts trying to do anything but study and when it seemed like a better idea to do things the Muggle way than the magical way, it didn't seem logical to him that what they told him was the truth. Friends were supposed to try and say nice things to you, yeah?

He decided to just leave off on that altogether, because he really needed to try to figure out how to explain this in a way that made some sense. He hadn't meant for it to sound the way it was apparently coming out and he was beginning to feel like an arse about the whole thing. Michael followed Anthony to the kitchen, because he couldn't let the conversation just end, not when he had to explain himself more carefully. "No, that's not what I meant! Anthony, I wasn't saying that you weren't truly my friend, mate, honestly! I know that you are. Fuck, I'm not that much of an arse. All I meant was if we consider the past twelve years - that I've always been more dependent on you than you ever were on me. I needed your help to even pass anything in Hogwarts, let alone graduate. Like I said, if I had been put in Hufflepuff I don't know that I would have graduated. But you, I mean, you were always self sufficient and you didn't even want us bothering you there in the beginning so if we had given up, well you would have been fine without us. I wouldn't have made it without you, but you'd have been just fine, mate."

Michael scrubbed his face with his hand, sighing heavily. "That's why I know you'll be fine. I know you don't think so now, mate, but I promise you, you'd function loads better without me than I could without you. You're just...I dunno. You're just better at this than I am. You're just...better than I am."

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-20 02:23 am UTC (link)

It figured that he would ignore everything Anthony said about there being things he was good at, really. It was worse than a brick wall. It was like... a vacuum. Every thing that he said about it always seemed to go through one ear and right back out the other as if it had never been said at all. It was beyond frustrating.

He heard Michael hollowing him as he poured the contents of the mug into the sink and then left the mug there as well, turning around to face Michael as he spoke. Having him say those words, being so sure that Anthony wouldn't suffer some huge loss at his absence made Anthony want to hit him, or at least shake him until he understood. There was this... this warped idea of himself all over those words, and because of it, Anthony, too. And he wasn't even sure there was anything he could say to fix it. He'd had a lot of time to cement the ideas. Anthony just knew he was not okay with this, and that he would not, under any circumstances let Michael do something insane in exhcange for his survival.

"That's not - I didn't mean that I thought that you thought..." He felt as if his thoughts were faster than his mouth and he wasn't sure what he wanted to say, or what part of all of that he wanted to concentrate the most on. "It's just... you act like I mean so much more, and I don't. I'm not self sufficient, I'm reclusive. Unless I go to work, or someone all but drags me to go elsewhere, I stay here. I read books. Books I've already read. And just where do you think I would have spent half my summers if you weren't there? With those other friends I managed to make while at Hogwarts? I'm not better at anything, especially not life, and I'm damn well not better than you."

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mlcorner
2012-01-20 03:24 am UTC (link)

Michael leaned against the counter crossing his arms across his chest, trying to keep himself under compuser as best he could. It wasn't that he wanted to argue with Anthony, but he wanted him to see his side of things. Granted they were both very stubborn and the chance of either of them giving way was pretty low.

"Well yeah, I act that way because that's what I think, mate. I mean look at you," Michael said, gesturing at his friend like this said it all. "You're bloody brilliant! Dumbledore knew it, why do you think you were Prefect? And even if you do spend a lot of time with books, that doesn't mean anything. I read all the time too, that doesn't make me a recluse." He knew he was grasping at straws now and he wasn't even sure why they were talking about this because it wasn't exactly the point. "If I wasn't there, you would still have had Terry, Anthony. And you two would still have had the DA...well, I mean, I guess I brought you two with me because I was dating Ginny, but Padma was in and she would have invited the two of you along, I'm sure...this is all hypothetical anyway. It's not even the point-"

He shook his head. "Now you're just lying. You are better than me at a lot of things." He held up his right hand, which was now healed, as indication. "Why do you think I needed you for this? It wasn't because I enjoyed the pain. Dammit, Anthony, we don't know what's going to happen anyway, so I don't see why we have to talk about this. It might not even matter. We may figure out how to get rid of the memories and then this will all have been a giant waste of time." Or maybe Michael was beginning to see that he didn't exactly have a lot of fodder for his arguments, other than his loyalty to his friends and a warped sense of reality.

He was getting a bit frustrated with the fact that his footing was slipping so what he said next was sharper than how he had been talking previously. "I never said you were bloody perfect, alright? No one is, and I'm sure as hell not either, but you're my fucking best mate, I love you like a brother, and seeing as I've already fucked up and let one of my siblings die, I'm sure as hell not going to see it happen again, okay? So if you don't like the idea of me wanting to die for you, well I'm sorry, you're just going to have to fucking deal with it because I'm not going to go through that shite again. I can't do it again, Ant, I can't. I cannot watch you die from this, not without exhausting every last bloody resource I have to fight it. And even then-" Michael looked down at the floor and finished, more quietly, "-I can't live without you."

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-20 04:19 am UTC (link)

There was, almost literally, nothing that he could say. No, that was a lie. There was plenty that he could say. Starting with the fact that it was different, Anthony didn't have anything really going for himself and that he wasn't a person who went around easily forming connections, and that considering the jokes made all the time about his social life, yes, he was in fact a recluse. He could also mention that there was a well and good chance that he might not have even had Terry, actually, because who was to say that Terry would have even tried to without Michael? And, personally, Anthony felt that him knowing the charms to heal is hand just because he had considered a career opportunity when he was fifteen only further proved his other point. And, you know what? He hadn't even wanted to continue talking about this anyway, because he had known from the beginning that this was going to go nowhere, but Anthony wouldn't be forgetting this because the current situation only highlighted an issue than existed before, really. But he didn't say any of that, because what would it look like to still continue to argue with Michael after he said something like that?

"Michael - " he started, but there were no other words to follow. He wasn't going to be tearing Michael from the hypothetical notion of attempting to die for him, he knew. Not today and -- considering his history -- probably not ever. He did not agree with it, he would never agree with it. There was nothing he could say that would work. So he said nothing instead, instead sighing heavily as he tried to figure out what they were supposed to do now.

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mlcorner
2012-01-20 05:03 am UTC (link)

Michael had a feeling that spending so much time with Lavender was really making him more emotional than he was before. Not that he ever had trouble expressing his feelings with his friends or that he disliked doing so, but he really felt like crying then and to be quite honest, he hadn't cried all that much until this whole thing with Lavender started. So it felt like a ride that started because of her. Not that he considered it a bad thing, necessarily, but it still wasn't very manly to want to cry here in front of his friend, even though it was within his right to do so because it was an unspoken rule that you didn't talk about such things outside of the friendship and you supported each other through these times.

Which was what Anthony was doing now. He didn't want to - or couldn't, maybe - argue with Michael anymore, because he had brought up Amanda Claire and maybe that had been selfish of Michael to do and even a bit underhanded, but that didn't change the fact that it was still true. It was certainly how he felt. James was his brother, yes, and they were close - but he could not lie about the fact that he and Anthony were much closer and had always been so. It wasn't planned and it wasn't something he could control, it just happened that way because Michael got on better with Anthony than he did with James and James had always sort of resented Michael a bit for the times that he had smothered him as if he couldn't protect himself. Michael had a feeling that was part of the reason James became a hit wizard - just to prove to Michael that he could take care of himself. And Michael may have always felt a bit guilty about his relationship with Anthony, if only because he could not figure out a way to get that sort of relationship with James.

Michael shook his head and his hand subconsciously raised to his right upper arm, where the sparrow tattoo with the 'AC' inscribed in it for his sister resided. "Anthony, look, I'm sorry. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty and I know that's probably what I'm doing. This is my problem. I was there, I was right there and I could have saved her if only I had been paying more attention to her instead of my own things. I've just got to be certain that I do everything I bloody well can for you lot. I've got to, no matter what it takes of me. I have to do it for her and for James - I don't want to let them down again. I let James down, Anthony, I failed him as a brother and I can't - I can't do that to you. I don't want to fail again. I just want to help you."

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-20 06:05 am UTC (link)

Despite the fact that it wasn't intentional -- or, at least, Michael said it wasn't intentional -- Anthony couldn't help feeling at least a little guilt-tripped. Because he felt like he was making things more difficult for Michael by not just agreeing with his notion, no matter how mental he found it. And it was hard because no one in Anthony's family had died, and he didn't know what it meant to have that in his history, how it felt. And he didn't want to. He didn't think anyone in their right mind would ever want to. It didn't even matter that he never particularly liked his family very much, just so long as he never had to deal with any of them dying. Not even Sophia, which was saying a lot as he couldn't stand her half the time.

Michael had, though, and he couldn't argue over Michael feeling the way he felt. It was just... there. And he had his right, even if Anthony still didn't completely agree with it. But that was the point, he guessed then. Anthony might not be making declarations about his ability to continue living without him or anything of the sort, but Anthony was very sure about needing Michael around.

He thought on it for a moment, pursing his lips. He wished he could tell Michael that he hadn't failed before and that he wasn't failing now and wouldn't be even if -- but it would be fruitless. There had been too many years, and this was not the conversation he wanted to be having anymore. It had already gone nowhere good, and he really couldn't afford for it to go anywhere worse.

"All right," he said, almost murmuring after a long moment, shrugging. Louder, then, he again said, "All right." It wasn't all right, not really, but for Anthony, part of being a best mate was in letting them win for the moment, save the argument for another day.

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mlcorner
2012-01-20 06:40 am UTC (link)

Michael chewed on his lip, nodding to Anthony's words. He knew that he was just giving in because he didn't want to talk about it anymore. Anthony never was one for confrontation and it wasn't like Michael enjoyed it but he wouldn't give up just because it was his friend; he had to try and get through to people whereas Anthony always knew when to draw the line with Michael or get stuck arguing forever. It was another reason why Michael respected him so much.

He wanted to get rid of this bad air between them, the awkwardness he hadn't meant to create, so he fished around in his brain for something to say. He knew it would still seem awkward regardless, but he didn't want to go back to his flat. Even with this having happened, he still wanted to be here because being with Anthony just made sense, disagreeing or no. When they had an argument, it wasn't so sodding confusing that Michael wanted to punch a bloody wall - it was just genuine disagreement between them. Everything he'd had with Lavender just fogged his mind so much that it made him feel crazy and he didn't want that; he just wanted simple. Finally he settled on something, though the subject wasn't ideal, and asked, "How did you sleep last night?"

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-20 07:44 am UTC (link)

Sleep was always a very temperamental thing for Anthony. He'd never had very good habits for it, always staying up late to study or to read something, and these nightmares had only pushed him towards that more. He tended to stay up much later than was probably good what with having to wake up early for work the next day, and didn't got to bed until he couldn't keep his eyes open. Even with Michael's potion, it still wasn't the ideal sort of sleep he'd want, but there was a certain bit of ease in not waking up feeling as if he'd been tortured to death. Even if he had been watching someone else suffer.

"Better," he answered, though he wasn't sure yet if he was liking the topic change. It was better than the awkward air that had hung around them following his submission, but it was still a bit close to the reason they had even been arguing to begin with, the nightmares, his possibly impending death... Regardless, he wouldn't have felt right about Michael leaving, so it was just best to move on. Even if they were going to be talking about him. Which he hated. "I took the potion. It wasn't as... as vivid."

Which was a severe understatement if ever he could make about this, but Anthony hadn't actually told Michael what his nightmare entailed for a reason, and he had absolutely no plans to do so now. Not telling meant it was one less reason for Michael to feel like he needed to save him, or to worry even more about what might happen. "So it worked the way you said it should."

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mlcorner
2012-01-20 07:13 pm UTC (link)

Michael perked up a bit at hearing this, even if he did try to pretend that he wasn't extremely excited to hear it. It was brilliant to hear that his friends may have found some relief from the nightmares, even if it wasn't all that great. "Really?" he asked, despite the fact that he'd heard just fine.

"Well that's brilliant. I mean, not really because it's still not a good fix and it's still temporary and obviously you still experienced the nightmare in some capacity, but it's better than nothing, yeah?" Michael walked back into the living room to his bag so he could pull out a notebook and scribble some notes in it about this. It was important that he document as much information as possible about each potion, especially when they were experimental and being testing by only a few people. He'd need to hear as much as he could from each person who was willing to talk to him. He knew Anthony wouldn't want to give him a lot of detail because he didn't want to worry him with the details of his nightmares and Michael wasn't going to press him for it, but maybe the others would give him more details. He knew about Lavender's dreams so maybe she'd tell him exactly how different her's turned out to be.

"I don't think there could be anyway to adjust this one to do anything better," Michael said, mostly talking to himself, though still he spoke aloud. He began to ramble, not really noticing if Anthony was paying him any attention. "It is only going to affect the person who is doing the dreaming and the problem is not the person's mind, but rather the foreign memory attaching to it. And what about what Ron said about the spot actually being the memory itself? We know that she is killing everyone to get the memories, so that means she has to kill you to release the memory, but what if we were to simulate death in some way - would that have the same affect on the memory and release it?"

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-20 09:12 pm UTC (link)

"Can't really argue against it having been better," Anthony only said with a nod, taking his time in following Michael back into the living room and reclaiming his previous seat on the sofa. "Even with it being... what it was." Logically, he guessed that he should tell Michael, if only for the sake of his notes on it, but he just couldn't. It was one of those things he just couldn't be logical on.

Anthony listened to Michael think out loud, sure that he didn't really have all that much to contribute towards any potions talk. He'd done well enough in it during school, sure, but it was one of those things that Michael didn't realise he was actually much better at than Anthony. For him, passing had been much more about remembering the directions and following them precisely, but Michael actually liked messing around with potions, all the experimental ideas only proved that.

Reaching over to pick up on of the books he'd had on the coffee table, he paused to think on that question, assuming it wasn't rhetorical. "Unless there's some sort of special requirements in how to kill the person, it might." Though he sincerely hoped there were no complications in even that. Could they have one thing about this just be simple and straightforward?

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mlcorner
2012-01-20 10:52 pm UTC (link)

Michael looked over at Anthony when he spoke - he had not really realised that he had been speaking out loud. But what Anthony said made some sense and also made him grimace a bit. "Wait, you mean like...kill you the way you're being tortured in the nightmares?" Michael chewed on his lip again and considered this thoughtfully. If this were the case there would be no way for them to really simulate death because they couldn't do that to the DA members.

But then he had a thought. "No, wait! We can find out for certain if that's true! Lavender spoke to Penelope about her dream. She sent it in signed, so we know what her dream was about - and well, Ron saw how she was murdered, so we can see if they matched. If not then at least we'll know that we haven't got that to worry about. I certainly hope not - like we haven't got enough to worry about as is..." Michael turned the page in his notebook and scribbled some more things down about this different topic, murmuring a bit to himself as he did. They really did need to have a meeting soon, especially now that they were getting attacked by armies of mindless bodies.

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-21 06:53 am UTC (link)

Anthony only shrugged, not really liking the idea if it turned out to be true -- and, oh, he really hoped that was not the case at all because his didn't happen to be pleasant in the least bit.

Having knowledge about Penelope's death and how it matched up to her nightmare would definitely be helpful in that regard and Anthony's eyebrows raised when Michael brought that up. "Right, no, that's definitely good plan. It's a very, very good plan." Of course, that had a bit of Anthony's own personal interest speaking, but that really couldn't be helped with the topic of conversation. He'd been trying, though.

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mlcorner
2012-01-21 09:19 pm UTC (link)

Michael took note that he would need to speak with both Ron and Lavender about Penelope, either separately or at the meeting, whenever they decided when it would be. "We need to have a meeting soon. After all this happening outside, we've got to figure something out. If more shite like this is going to happen while we are having to deal with these memories, well we are going to have a bit of trouble getting to an answer when we've got to deal with extra problems like this. Do you think it's related?" Michael asked Anthony, looking over at him for the first time since he'd sat down. "Do you think that it has to do with Pandora - all these inferi or whatever they are? It makes me wonder, because these memories are memories but they don't act like normal memories and these inferi don't act like normal inferi so it just seems like her again. But is this what she's about now? Just trying to cause havoc for havocs sake?"

Michael thought that all they'd have to deal with when it came to Pandora was her killing people for memories. He never really expected anything else to occur.

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logiclogiclogic
2012-01-22 12:41 am UTC (link)

"It could be?" Anthony shrugged a bit, frowning in thought as he considered the question being posed. "I mean, the timing of it is suspicious enough that I think there's a very real possibility of it being related in some way." He thought on it a bit more. "And if it is, let's hope there's an actual purpose to it besides general havoc wreaking as I would much prefer there being a reason behind the chaos if there has to be chaos at all."

As it was, Anthony was highly considering the idea of staying inside his flat more so than usual. He supposed, though, that it came in handy that he could always Floo into work tomorrow if he had to. And he sincerely hoped the woman had nothing else on her agenda besides getting her memories back. That would be much preferable.

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