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Ernest (Ernie/Ern) Macmillan ([info]ernsthename) wrote in [info]pandorarpg,
@ 2011-12-26 21:00:00

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Entry tags:!status: complete, ^date: november 09 2003, character: ernie macmillan, character: zacharias smith

Who: Ernie Macmillan and Zacharias Smith
What: A breakfast time encounter.
Where: The Daily Grind; A small cafe close to Diagon Alley.
When: November 9, 8:00 AM.
Rating: Worksafe, maybe; Maybe some swearing.

The past couple of days--or just over a week--made for "character-building" days. Ernie was still in a bit of disbelief over the events of the past couple of days in particular...just since he was trying his best to be reasonable, and it all just backfired. After Justin's party, he had spent the better part of the time that he wasn't preparing for, attending, and recovering from the DA meeting cleaning out the ever-present smell of alcohol that seemed to penetrate everything in his flat. The smell has since gone stale, but was far more subtle than the initial drenching--Ern wasn't sure which was worse, but was determined to get the smell out by the time he returned to work.

The heavy bag of gold coins sat on the coffee table next to the candy dish, as if asking for someone to remove it. Ernie knew that he'd have to return it to Zacharias, even if it appeared to be gifted. The man was drunk, after all. And besides that, he didn't need Smith's money. He wasn't in the least like his parents--even if he did have his own aspirations. And he would protest that he was doing rather well for himself. He still had trouble determining how he would react to Zacharias, as he felt a mixture of pity and anger at the person...he had always wondered whether these feelings were compatible. Apparently they were.

Ernie considered seeking out Zacharias sometime later that day, after a coffee (or two), and was waiting in line for his first large coffee.



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[info]overlooked
2011-12-27 02:43 am UTC (link)
After another late night surprise visit, Zacharias Smith had decided today was about getting back to his normal schedule. Tomorrow he would be starting back at work not because he had to, but because he wanted to and it certainly didn't hurt that he actually got on with the people in the wireless offices. Of course he also had a full day of looking at houses and flats on the market, and generally finding ways that he could make a noticeable dent into his unrestricted Gringott's account. He was a Smith once more with all of the trappings it came with and he was going to make the most it.

With all that in mind, he had stopped in at at the Daily Grind on his way to the Alley to grab a coffee and something to eat. Zacharias had just placed his order - large black coffee black and an Irish soda bread scone - and moved to wait by the pick up area when he noticed a familiar face in the queue. The universe surely had to be working against him. What were the chances that he would run into Ernie Macmillan?

Unlike the past couple of days, Zacharias Smith was not seeking confrontation. He had said everything he needed to at Justin's party. So, simply picked up his order and found a table tucked off in the corner hoping that he could go unnoticed - at least for a little while longer.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-27 03:24 am UTC (link)
Ernie was waiting for his large coffee with milk and cranberry scone when his eyes wandered over to the spot where Zacharias was sitting. His gaze darted right back to the counter where he was awaiting his breakfast. For a moment Ernie wondered if his former classmate had seen him, and whether he could or should make a safe escape, or whether he should confront the man. He did manage to singlehandedly do a good measure of damage on his flat, after all. His mind returned to one of his goals for the day, and realized that made at least part of a goal easier to accomplish.

He picked up his breakfast and quickly made his way over to the table at which Zacharias was sitting. Luckily it was in a corner, which did make it more difficult for Zacharias to flee. Not that Ern had intended any particular ill on his former classmate. He just needed to understand. And perhaps even to feel at least somewhat understood. As he made a beeline to the table, he asked. "May I have a seat?"

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-27 04:03 am UTC (link)
Zacharias had settled quite nicely into his little table for the short time he remained there unbothered. He had even managed to get a old of The Times and was scanning through the headlines. He might be back in the good graces of proper pureblood society, but that didn't mean there wasn't still a mild interest in how 'the other half' lived. And he hadn't taken Muggle Studies just because it was a sort of write off class.

He was content to pretend that he hadn't spotted Ernie Macmillan right up until the man in question approached. And he was actually trying to be decent and not engage this morning. Hearing the non-question for what it was, Zacharias knew that there was no point in answering it. Ernie had already decided he was going to take the empty seat at his table. "Only if you want to talk," he said glancing up from his paper long enough to answer and take a sip from his coffee.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-29 03:07 am UTC (link)
"Well I do," Ernie said very quickly after Zacharias' reply, placing his breakfast on the table, and sitting down in the chair opposite his. But now that he sat in front of Smith he couldn't really help but feel lost as to where he should start. He didn't feel like going through the formalities of small-talk before getting to his real question. "I hope you don't mind me getting right to what I've been meaning to ask."

He looked squarely at Zacharias, and didn't pause much longer before stating what he had been trying to think about for the past few days, or even for the past several years. "Why?--Why do you do things that must make it plain difficult if not impossible to just get along with you?"

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-29 04:16 am UTC (link)
He sighed, making a point to show how put on upon he felt. Zacharias took a moment enjoying his coffee as if considering the question."Maybe it's because everyone simply expects the worse from me and I would so hate to disappointment." It was the most truthful answer Ernie was ever going to get. Zacharias Smith was in large part a product of his environment. He responded to stimuli and had never been particularly willing to let things go. "Or maybe I just enjoy seeing how much of it you will take before you stop just bending over."

Zacharias folded his newspaper setting it down between them. He took one last mouthful of his scone and slid off his chair. Ernie might have invited himself to sit and then to talk, but that didn't mean that Zacharias was required to sit there and endure. And maybe he wanted to see if he would be followed out of the cafe too.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-29 05:12 am UTC (link)
Ernie stood up when Zacharias stood up. Although he was in need of caffeine, what he wanted more was a serious answer out of Zacharias.

"Zacharias Smith. I expected more out of you, which is actually rather foolish considering your track record. If you ever had bothered to act like someone one can expect anything besides what you consider 'the worst', try--just try--behaving in a way that would make one believe that you have good intentions for anyone besides yourself. A good predictor of future behaviours are past behaviours." Ernie could feel himself switch into a bit of a ranting mode--failing to notice others glancing up from their discussions.

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-29 05:38 pm UTC (link)
"That. That right there is exactly why I don't think it's worth it." Zacharias shook his head. Many of peers said all sorts of shit about him, most of it exaggerated and too often claiming to know who he was or what he cared about. Sure some of his motivations where with his own interests in mind, but that just made him human and it wasn't like anyone else was standing in his corner. Still that didn't mean he was entirely selfish or self-centered. The thing was he hadn't always been a total arse. There was a time in his youth when even he had believed that there was more to him, but fifteen felt like a long way away.

"So, no, I'm not going to simply roll over and play nice when I already know I wouldn't even get a fraction of the respect or kindness back." Because that the reality of the world he lived in and even to some extent accepted. It might not have been ideal or even something he outright liked, but he knew how to deal with it.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-29 06:22 pm UTC (link)
"Well I know you weren't always an arse, but you do enough--if not everything--to make people forget that quite easily. It's as if you just don't want anyone to give a damn about you," Ernie said.

"It can't hurt to even bother to play decent sometimes--it would count for something. But somehow you even have to go out of your way to be an arse--you didn't need to come over to tell everyone off. You know, Justin still spoke rather highly of you prior to your arrival the other day, despite it all. I know we're not perfect, but goodness we've tried forgiving you several times over. I just don't know," Ernie was shaking his head.

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-29 10:43 pm UTC (link)
"Do you ever listen to yourself or do you just say things?" It was a question he supposed he could repeat over and over again without ever actually getting a response or making a difference. Certainly not from someone like Ernie. Zacharias pulled the lines of his jacket clean

"Yes, you are all so important to me that I went out of my way to tell everyone off." Zacharias pulled a face, disgusted by the thought. Like his sole purpose in life was to annoy those he went to school with. Maybe Ernie believed that he tried to forgive him, but Zacharias never saw it that way - he wasn't part of the group, never had been.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-29 11:03 pm UTC (link)
"Do you ever think before you do anything?" Ern was fairly convinced that this was something that was obviously missing in Smith's skillset. Smith doesn't--and for the longest time didn't give a damned about how his actions affected others.

"Then what in the world is wrong with you that would make everyone else expect things like the other night? Why did you come? You knew that a number of people there would be angry that you've let Justin know."

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-29 11:16 pm UTC (link)
Oh he thought. Zacharias usually saw how badly things could go and decided it didn't matter. He didn't care, or at least he tried to tell himself that he didn't care, when he actually did care. More times than not, Zacharias cared too much, he just had an odd way of expressing it. What he needed on Friday was a friend, to not have to face all of the shit alone - burying his father, the weight of being a Smith and even Marietta.

"I was invited," he said simply because he was, even if it was something that Ernie overlooked. "So, maybe you need to mind your invitation list better or the manners of the people answering the door." It wasn't exactly a good excuse, but Corner slamming the door in his face had just sort of been the final snap. "But that doesn't matter, hell, the only difference I can see between you and the kna- Finnegan is that at least he's honest."

For as much of a bastard that his father actually was, the man surely had it better being dead and all.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-29 11:44 pm UTC (link)
"Well maybe it would help if you didn't act like an arse before that people wouldn't be put off by your winning attitude," Ernie said. "Justin would've been happy to have you join us--he was genuinely worried about you." Ernie certainly wasn't sure where Justin would be at this point now after the party. There was only so much anyone can ever really take. Ernie felt himself just about realizing his own limitations.

"Bloody hell," Ernie said. "You wouldn't know what an honest attempt to help looks like even if it paraded itself in front of you complete with signage. You honestly think that people all just hate you and it's all a fucking show. It isn't. That's just fuckin' delusional."

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-30 01:49 am UTC (link)
"And you don't get it." Zacharias shook his head. He really didn't expect anything else, Ernie Macmillan was true to form this morning just as he had been Friday night. "People do hate me, they like hating me, because it gives them something to act out upon." He wouldn't really hold it against most until the point where they thought it made them better than him. "And if they don't hate me they think that they can somehow save me."

He crossed over, right into Ernie's personal space, lowering his voice. "But here's the thing, Ernie, I don't want or even need to saved. If you want to play at being friends then actually do that rather than preaching from on high."

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-30 02:44 am UTC (link)
Ern was going to get into what other people thought and how other people worked in general. That people aren't hating him for no reason whatsoever. "Is that what you want? People hating you?"

And Ern was going to retort in his usual manner, in stating that his friends didn't need to be reminded of the basics of human decency. He felt as if he were speaking to some impetuous teenager. "Well fine then," he replied, resisting the urge to point out that it was stupid to live life the way he was--resisting any sort of help that any reasonable friend would offer.

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-30 04:20 am UTC (link)
Zacharias knew it was a round about argument on both sides, or at least it could appear that way. Except what he really wanted a chance, but he believed that people had already made up their minds about him. Sure, he might have had a part in that, but it wasn't only his doing.

"I'm not going to get what I want." He rarely ever got what he needed. "So, if I have to choose between people wanting to save me and people hating me - like I said, I'd rather take the honesty." Zacharias took a step forward, shoulder checking Ernie so that he could leave.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-30 04:44 am UTC (link)
Ernie sighed, again fighting the urge to resist and just not let Zacharias leave until he was set straight.

"Merlin, that's just sad. Apparently you're the only person on this bloody planet who knows of the nature of people. Congratulations for being so fucking clever that you think you've gotten us all figured out."

He moved so that Zacharias had more clear access to the exit. "I'm not going to get in the way of what you want, but I'm fairly sure that it's you who happens to be in the way of what you want--if you really know what that is."

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-30 06:09 am UTC (link)
Zacharias was on his way out when he turned around. There was no way he could let that hang in the balance between them. "Alright, fine, then tell me." He ran his hand through his hair scratching at the back of his head - not sure why he was asking, but unable to stop. "I mean you seem to have all the answers, you certainly want to save me.

"So, tell me, how do people work, what do I need to do to finally live up to being called a peer of Ernie Macmillan. Because, really, I would love to know." He was surprised to realize the words were true. Except he didn't want the polite version that he might receive, Zacharias wanted the truth. "Or better yet tell me what you think makes me the bastard I am, that is, if your pedestal allows you to come down to my level."

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-30 07:39 am UTC (link)
Ern was going to ignore all of the bullshit that Zacharias was spewing about how he was carrying himself like a superior, or his questioning in general since it was rather offensive. But it was an open invitation for Ern to offer feedback...

"Well, if you can start by just for once acknowledging that there are at least some people out there looking out for your well-being. Not just out of pity, charity, projecting some sort of image, or self-interest--but just out of human decency. I'm treating you in a way that I see as proper to treat other human beings. It wouldn't hurt if you if you put that into practice more often too. If you expect or desire that people treat you with respect, treat them with respect. Most people who aren't complete fools, who aren't insane, will only show respect to those who respect them." Ern was sure that he was among the absolutely insane for having given Zacharias too many chances and undermined his own self-respect in the process.

"And try to accept that people are looking out for your well being for what it is, even if it may not always match up exactly to what you want. Whatever the hell that may be. I don't do legilimency. If I really did hate you, maybe I would've let Michael and Jasper have at you a bit longer."

He paused for a moment, realizing that wasn't the case. "Or no--I would've still stopped them right away. But fuck, I probably would've had an easier time at it since I wouldn't have immediately panicked and realized I could've dealt with it differently."

"And something is obviously more wrong than you're openly admitting--the last time I've checked you hated your father. It can't be that alone." Although Ernie can admit having some knowledge of a love-hate relationship with parents. He knew that the deaths of either or both of his parents would've disturbed him greatly, but not to the extent of disturbance Zacharias seemed to be exhibiting. "It would help to know in exactly what ways your life is fucked up so that maybe some sort of solution that isn't getting drunk and burning bridges."

"And I don't think of myself as better than you. Maybe that's your own fucked up thought process. It's irresponsible for me to see you or anyone struggle like this and not offer any sort of help or support. I don't hold any sort of illusion that I can save you. You'd probably need no less than five years with a full-time shrink to even approach being saved from your own damned self-destructive behaviours." Ernie felt as though he let that out in one continuous breath--but it needed to be said. He was that frustrated, after all.

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-31 12:43 am UTC (link)
Zacharias laughed. Honestly laughed. He didn't think that was half of what Ernie wanted to say, but it was a start. Not that any of it really meant anything because it chock full of all the things that pissed him off about his peers in the first place.

"I can respect people who deserve respect." And he could when he had to. Zacharias Smith knew his place in the world, he just had no intention to suffer fools. However, seeing that line of conversation would get him nowhere he shook his head.

"You don't hate me because you like most people aren't capable of hate." Hate was something special, it took a good amount of commitment to get right. And Zacharias had that sort of determination because some days it was all he wanted to define him. Maybe that was pathetic, but he didn't shy away from the fact that his life was something like a disaster, especially now.

"But, hey, that's all right my life is a fucking fun fare right now. Last week I was found with Potter's body, if people don't think I did it myself, they think I've been paid off, my father was murdered, my mother is a bitch, and you all get your knickers in a twist because a surprise party got ruined." Ernie thought he needed five years with a trained professional to sort out his issues and maybe he did, but given everything he had been dealing with, including the things he mentioned and others he hadn't, he thought he was doing reasonably well.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-31 02:01 am UTC (link)
"I'd rather be incapable of hate than to be incapable of stopping it from consuming me," Ern said rather abruptly, quite put off by Smith's laughter. Oh he had more, but it wasn't right to be speaking of such things in public, especially in front of muggles. "You speak of it as if it's some sort of enviable trait--maybe that's just another indicator of how just damned fucked up your perspective just happens to be."

"And you haven't done everything you can to keep yourself safe--or even sane for that matter, Mr. Public-Relations-Disaster-in-one-fell-swoop. If you haven't noticed there are more things going on, and if you don't take care you'll get yourself killed. Not that this seems to matter to you, does it?"

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-31 02:18 am UTC (link)
"Which is relevant to things how?" Because safe and sane were clearly the important things from the other side of the pitch that needed to be brought up. It never really stopped, did it? "General opinion does seem to be that I would be better off dead, so I'm not even sure why it matters to you."

Zacharias wouldn't deny that his view of the world wasn't normal. It probably wasn't even healthy, but it was the one ingrained into him as a child and then built upon his whole life. As far as Zacharias Smith was concerned all people were bastards until proven otherwise and the only way to survive was to push before you got overtaken.

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[info]ernsthename
2011-12-31 02:36 am UTC (link)
"Well no one has the right to complain about life being so fucking terrible, and having everyone hate them if they've managed to make the problems worse through their own actions. Sure life can be terrible, but you still have a choice with how you react."

"I'm not even sure why I bother sometimes," he said, trying to tone it down a bit since he had noticed some of the glances. He suddenly wasn't really hungry anymore, and if anything he was far too wound up to really benefit from coffee. "I don't think this is getting anywhere." He quickly moved past Zacharias towards the door.

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[info]overlooked
2011-12-31 04:00 am UTC (link)
"I tried to tell you that when you invited yourself to sit down," he said as Ernie walked passed. Watching him leave, Zacharias felt relieved. Almost like he had won something here, but it was a small victory if it was one at all. His life was 'fucking terrible' and he didn't whinge about it. While Zacharias had been planning to leave a moment ago, he decided to sit back down and wait a few minutes. The last thing he needed now was to stumble into Ernie again when he was just free of him.

He could even take the few extra moments to go over the plan for the rest of the day. There was still time before he met with the realtor, he definitely owed Roger something for last night, and beyond that he could just go where his whims took him.

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