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Tweak says, "There's no crying in baseball!"

Leon Vance (leon_vance) wrote in omega_reality,
@ 2012-11-16 14:26:00

Entry tags:

*complete, 2012 11, character: alexis castle, character: brian kinney, character: bud hammond, character: claudia donovan, character: derek morgan, character: derek reese, character: dominic vail, character: elaine barrish hammond, character: emily prentiss, character: g callen, character: john connor, character: margaret barrish, character: marty deeks, character: nell jones, character: robert callen, character: sam hanna, character: savannah monroe, character: sean hanna, character: tim riggins, character: troy bolton, dead: eric beale, dead: jenna hanna, dead: leon vance, dead: mike renko, dead: nick green, dead: sheldon cooper

RP: Arriving to their new home
Who: Everyone in the group
Where: San Nicolas Island, California
When: late November 16, 2012
Summary: It's time to come home

A direct drive wouldn't have taken long, five hours maybe, but they went anything but direct. First they drove east, then they backtracked, then they used less traveled roads, avoided areas with cameras until they reached Long Beach, California.

They drove to one of the marina where three boats were waiting for them under Leon's new identity. After loading their belongings, they drop the cars and vans to a nearby parking garage where they had long term spot already rented. They waited for the drivers to return, before finally leaving port.

One things that Leon hadn't forgotten was how to steer a boat from his Navy days. It was over eighty miles to the island. Eighty miles in the dark, with the cold winds and minimum coverage. Sam and Renko were steering the other two, following him, because they still had no idea where they were going. He had a feeling that his agents would like the island. Everyone else... they'd adapt.

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

johnbaum
2012-11-17 06:56 pm UTC (link)

"He's not the one I'm angry with," John replied with a sigh. Honestly, he'd have been surprised if Brian had been sober. He just worried about what else he might have done. No one else seemed to notice how self-destructive Brian could be. If anything had happened to Brian because of this, if he'd gone and done something stupid...it wouldn't even be Brian's fault. Not as far as John was concerned. Although... "Drinking with your brother tells me more about your brother's mental state than Brian's. But, thanks Robert. I need to go talk to him, now."

The clouds were hiding the moon, which made it darker when he stepped outside to find Brian but there was still some light come from inside. It was enough to see Brian and that was all John really needed. Drawing near he took a moment, trying to figure out what to say.

"I know you think sorry's bullshit," he began quietly. "But, I also know you know I need to say it anyway. I can't make amends for what happened, nothing can make up for that. I kept having to turn my computer off because I was too tempted to go against orders and send you an email. Now, I wish I had. And, even though I didn't know, I was used to hurt you and I'm sorry for that."

He ran his hand through his hair, trying not to fuck this up. Sometimes he had all the right words...until it mattered and then he fucked up. He couldn't fuck up with Brian. "You have every right in the world to be angry. I'm not asking you not to be. You don't have to talk or touch me if you don't want to. But, please don't shut me out like this, Brian. I'm not leaving you. I didn't leave you. I'm right here, right now. And I'm not going anywhere."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

b_kinney
2012-11-17 07:07 pm UTC (link)

"It is bullshit," Brian said, apparently more interested in the smoke coming out of his lungs than John. "You did nothing, and sorry is bullshit, because nothing was in our control."

John thought that he was upset for the lie. God, that would be so fucking better, but that wasn't it. Sure, the lie sucked, but it was what it was. No, what really sucked, what made him angry was his reaction, how stupid he had been. He'd never got close to people, not really. They can't hurt you if you don't give a shit.

He cared and he hated every fucking moment of it.

"I'm not angry, all right? I'm fucking cold, nauseous, hangover. We're on a fucking island, away from civilization, getting ready to sleep on a fucking floor, with no liquor in sight. So I might be a little angry at all of that, but I'm not angry with you." He took another hit from his cigarette, the smoke a distraction from all the other things he was feeling.

Brian looked at John and smiled, sarcastic and cold. "You're not going anywhere until they tell you. Until you go home. Until you have to save the world. Don't promise shit that's can't happen."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

johnbaum
2012-11-17 09:19 pm UTC (link)

"I'm not making promises and I'm not talking about the future. Right here. Right now. In the present. I'm not going anywhere," John replied evenly. "And you can be cold and nasty and push me away all you like, but I'm still not going anywhere. I've never promised you anything other than to be here in the present with you for as long as I'm able and I'm not breaking that promise."

Taking a step closer, he shifted so he was standing right in front of Brian. "Because I didn't say you were angry with me. I said you were angry. Mostly, you're angry at yourself. You're all about breaking other people's rules if it suits you. But, you broke your own rules and it pisses you off. You really think, after everything we've been through, I don't know what this is really about? I don't need anyone to tell me what the last two weeks have been for you. I know. I know you and I know the things you try to hide from yourself.

"You broke every rule. You got close. You let me in. You cared. You let yourself love. And that isn't even why you're mad the most. Is it? What makes you the maddest is the fact that deep down you still do. You're pushing away and telling yourself that's not who you are. You don't care and you don't fall in love. Yet, you still care and you still love me and it hurts like hell and you don't want to ever go through that again. And, worst of all, I can't promise that you won't have to because life doesn't work that way. So, you just want to push all that messy emotional stuff away and me with it."

Reaching up, he cupped the back of Brian's neck and gently ran his thumb along his jaw. "If I could promise I won't die, I would. I'd promise you anything in the world if it could stop you from feeling that pain, Brian. But I can't and we both know it. All I can promise is that you have me now and that I will fight with everything I have to make now last for a very long time. You've spent the last year and a half teaching me how to stop living for the future and to live here and now, taking what we can while we can. Don't start living in fear of that future yourself, please."

Moving closer again, he brought his other hand up to mirror the one on Brian's neck, mindful of the cigarette he still held. "You're right. I want to save the world. But, the world's changed a bit since I first told you about my destiny. My world is you, Brian. Sappy and cliched and 'breeder'-like as it sounds. Shut me out all you like, but I'm not letting you push me away without a fight. I'm not giving up on you or us.

"I'm going to be a teenager on this one and be a stubborn pain in the ass because I know I'm right," he added with a tiny smirk, looking for any sign he was getting through to Brian.

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

b_kinney
2012-11-17 09:56 pm UTC (link)

"'Going to' implies motions, movement, temporal movement. It will happen in the future, even if the immediate future. You can't promise that you won't be going anywhere. You can only promise that you aren't anywhere else." He couldn't believe that he was using grammar to make a point, like he gave a fucking shit about it. Next, he'd sound like fucking Callen.

Brian stared defiently as John told him what was wrong. The fact that he knew didn't make him feel better. If anything, it pissed him off more than he'd let one kid see through his defences. Even Mickey couldn't read him this well.

He took another hit and tossed the cigarette away. "Or maybe I realized that I can be free without this 'messy emotional stuff'. I can drink and fuck as much as I want with whoever I want, and I don't have to worry about you, what you think, where you are, what you see." He knew he was being cruel. This wasn't John's fault. He hadn't done anything ... other than making him care from that evening, outside the club, looking like someone had rained on his parade. Or maybe even before. It didn't matter how it started, because Brian was going to put a end to it.

He shook his head, sighing. "I need to get drunk. Tell me there's something around here." He could concentrate on something that made sense, like whiskey.

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

johnbaum
2012-11-17 10:46 pm UTC (link)

John didn't think arguing semantics was going to solve anything and he was determined not to let Brian's barbs get to him. He knew Brian, knew he lashed out in anger and pain. How many people had been successfully able to push away doing that? How many had proved to him it would work, perpetuating this idea that it was better not to let people close? John wasn't going to let it.

"Is that why you won't touch me?" he asked, moving even closer. It hadn't escaped his notice that he was doing a lot of touching and Brian wasn't. Just like it hadn't escaped his notice that Brian wasn't pushing him away, either. That might change now that John pointed it out. But, it said something. Brian's actions had always said more than his words.

"You realized you can fuck anyone you want any time and you don't care about my feelings? You could push me away if you don't care. But, you don't. Hell, the Brian I first met would have had his hands all over me by now, even while telling me he didn't care and it didn't mean anything and we were only friends when he wanted to be. But, you're not doing that, either. You're not pushing me away and you're not taking what you want. You're very carefully not touching me, just letting me touch you."

He was playing with fire, John knew that. If he pushed too much, he could do more harm than good. But, if he didn't push enough, Brian would retreat into himself and it'd take another year and a half to coax him back out again. John wasn't really one to back down, especially when it meant leaving Brian in pain. So, he tread cautiously, but forward, moving still closer until they were chest to chest, his hands still wrapped around Brian's neck. "What happens if you touch me, Brian? What happens of you kiss me? Or if I kiss you?"

John brushed his lips along Brian's, then again, lightly, teasing almost. He wasn't pushing, though, waiting to see if Brian would react. And, yet, bracing himself in case he was pushed away.

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

b_kinney
2012-11-17 11:43 pm UTC (link)

Brian closed his eyes, but it wasn't because of the kiss. It was almost resignation, sad acceptance that it was going to happen whether he liked it or not. The kiss was all wrong. He could have dealt with possessive, needy or hungry kisses. He understood those, they were sex with your clothes on, but this was different and it tasted of desperation, whether his or John's he didn't know.

John was right. He hadn't touched John at all. Not to bring him close, not to push him away, not to do anything that might shatter his resolve, but now he cupped his cheeks as he pulled back. "I can't... not now... you were dead, John. It doesn't matter that you aren't. You were fucking dead, and I couldn't function, and I couldn't-" He stepped back abruptly, looking away. He wasn't crying; it was just the win and the dust. "I sat through your funeral smoking a joint and no one said anything. That's how pathetic I was, enough that Sam Hanna, pain in the fucking ass extraordinaire wouldn't even tell me to stop smoking with kids around." He turned and stared at John again. "I was ready to leave. I don't mean I thought about it. I mean I told them I was leaving, except they let the others go, but they put me to sleep and took me here. I was ready to go, take my chances, die. I didn't care. I don't care. I can't do this again. I'm not this person. I don't give a shit if people leave. I'm used to it. This, though? This I can't do."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

johnbaum
2012-11-18 12:56 am UTC (link)

"Brian." John didn't reach for him again just yet. He'd been prepared to be pushed away. He hadn't been prepared for Brian to actually start telling the truth. Maybe that was why there was no censure or pity in his voice when he said Brian's name. Just compassion for the man he loved.

"I know what it's like to lose people you care about. Sometimes more than once since my world is supremely fucked up. But, at the same time, I also know I can't imagine what you went through because the only way I could is if I lost you. Then nothing else could ever matter." He wanted to reach up and brush Brian's cheek so badly, but he was afraid of spooking him, now that he was talking. So, he didn't go far. He wasn't going to let there be enough distance between them that Brian could mistake it for acceptance that things could just end like this because he was afraid. But, John wasn't physically pushing into his comfort zone anymore, either, giving him a little room to breathe.

The idea of a funeral stopped him. Even though he'd explained to Savannah, he'd been too pissed off at the moment to really grasp that there'd been a funeral for him. That was just surreal. "You were grieving, Brian. That's not pathetic. It's human. And this is who you are. You're a caring man, Brian. That isn't something you became because of us. It's something that's always been there. You don't care about their rules or their morals, but you care about people. You take care of the people around you, your friends and the people that are like family to you. That didn't start here. You were like that before, with Michael and Lindsay and Debbie and your friends in Pittsburgh. You're no better at cutting yourself off from people than I am, you're just better at sounding like a charming asshole to cover for it."

Very slowly, he reached out to take Brian's hand. Nothing else. Just holding his hand. "I know you were hurt and you're still hurting and it'll take time to get over that. I'll back off, if that's what you need. But, I'm not going to just go away, Brian. You can try to stop caring, but I'll still care about you and I'll still be here for you." Biting his lip, John swallowed before continuing. "Even if you never let me in again, I'm going to be here waiting for the day you do because I love you and I know you love me, even if you're afraid to feel it right now."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

b_kinney
2012-11-18 02:41 am UTC (link)

"You think I'm afraid to care? I wish that were possible. When Justin was hit, I spent the night at the hospital not knowing if he'd live or die. We spend the next few days wondering. I felt nothing. I was completely numb, and let me tell you, it was the best feeling in the world." Mike had hugged him once, but there hadn't been any of the pain he could feel now. He was utterly numb.

"Nothing I've done helped. Not even a bit. Sex, drugs, alcohol, nothing made me numb. Nothing. I don't know how to stop ..." He pulled his hand away and ran his fingers through his hair. "I need a drink."

It wasn't just his mind that needed that drink. His body needed it too after sixteen long days of living of liquid courage. He could feel the involuntary movements of his eyelids, the gentle tremor in his hands. It wasn't bad, nothing like what his father had gone through at times, but it was still there. It was strange, because he'd always had a good tolerance. Then again, sixteen days were a lot of bottles of beer, whiskey, vodka, and whatever else he got his hands on.

"Do you know the worse part? I couldn't even take E. E would have made me happy, but I didn't want to be happy. I didn't want to associate that buzz with your death," he admitted. "So alcohol it was. The one thing I said I'd never do, turn into my father." He closed his hands into tight to stop the tremor before opening them again. "Is there a place I can sleep tonight? Not there, not with people. I can't deal... not sober."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

johnbaum
2012-11-18 03:31 am UTC (link)

John's lips thinned, but he wasn't angry at Brian. He was angry at pretty much everyone else, whoever had watched him spiral down like this and not been there to help him. He'd told Savannah he was afraid people were too used to letting John 'deal' with Brian, that they wouldn't think to have his back when it counted. But, he hadn't thought it would be like this. "No, I think you're in pain and you associate it with caring and love and you just want to stop all of it so you can stop hurting. I also don't think it will work and I think you know it, too, and that's part of why you feel like you have to push me away.

"But you're not your father, Brian. No matter how much of the last couple weeks have been spent drinking, you're not your father. Maybe it's my own personal conceit, but I'd be surprised as hell if you were able to deal with my death and cope without alcohol after only a couple weeks. Not because you're pathetic or like your father, but because you don't just get over something like that. It takes time. A lot of time. More than two weeks." John thought sometimes that his mother never had gotten over his father's death. And, he knew Derek hadn't.

"I wouldn't want to be happy, either, if our places had been reversed," he added with a sigh.

The only thing he really wanted to do was hug Brian tightly and hold on forever...or at least until he figured out how to help him. But, he was near that border of pushing too much and he didn't want to do that. So, watched in helpless silence as Brian picked a little at the metaphoric scab over the wound. He had to think a moment about where the best location would be, then he nodded. "Yeah, I can arrange a place. Let me stay with you? Separate sleeping bags. Opposite sides of the room if you like. But, let me stay with you so you're not alone? Please."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

b_kinney
2012-11-18 03:57 am UTC (link)

"This... you... it'd be easier if you were dead, it'd be over, but you're not. You're here, and you're alive, and I can't go through this again, John." The tears were falling down his face, but he wasn't hiding now. He was a fag; he might as well embrace another stereotype. "I don't know how to stop it from happening, because you will do something stupid someday, because you and Derek are people who want to save the world, and I will have to deal with your death again. And this time you won't come back from the dead."

His fingers raked John's hair before they tightened at that back of John's head and he pressed their foreheads together. "I've never loved anyone as much as I love you," he whispered. "I wish I could make it stop. It'd be so much easier. Just end it and go somewhere else, live until I die, not care for anything, but you are here and I can't go anymore.

"Different rooms, different sides, doesn't make any difference." A few feet of separation wouldn't make him stop feeling. Brian finally put his arm around John, pulling him closer. "I've never been very good at sleeping alone."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

johnbaum
2012-11-18 06:01 am UTC (link)

It was utterly impossible to keep his distance any longer and John gave up trying. He wrapped both arms around Brian and held on tight. Seeing Brian like this was breaking his heart and he didn't know else to help him heal other than to stay with him keep reminding him he wasn't alone. There were so many things he wished he could promise Brian. But, he wouldn't make promises he couldn't keep and he definitely wouldn't make those promises now, when it was the last thing Brian would want to hear.

Which left him at a loss for words he filled by hugging Brian close and not letting go. He should have sent that email, orders be damned. It didn't matter that he didn't know. He still felt responsible because he'd been used to cause Brian pain.

Pulling back only enough that he could see Brian clearly, he brushed his fingers over Brian's cheek. "I wish there was something I could say that would make this easier for you. I love you so much. It's nothing compared to what you've been going through. But, I did miss you. You are more important than saving the world, Brian, any world."

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

b_kinney
2012-11-18 06:19 am UTC (link)

Brian shook his head and brought a finger to John's lips. "Don't. We can't get any deeper. You can't make promises you shouldn't have to make. I know who you are. I've always known. No regrets, John." Despite how fucked up he was, he wouldn't and couldn't regret what they had. He refused to live life thinking of the 'what if'.

"Drinks would be nice, but I'll settle on water, and then a sleeping place. I really can't deal with anything tonight. Withdrawal is a bitch and it's happening whether I want to be sober or not." He turned his head, ever so slightly and kissed John's wrist. "Of course you missed me. I'm amazing." He almost delivered it in his normal tone, but his nerves were too shaken, his body too tense. "I need some peace for tonight, okay?"

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Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)

johnbaum
2012-11-18 06:51 am UTC (link)

"Water, sleep, peace. Those I can do." Time he could do, too. John knew that one conversation, no matter how intense and emotional, wasn't going to miraculously heal the damage that had been done. But, he'd be there to watch over Brian and help him as best he could.

Nodding, he stepped back reluctantly and held out his hand. "Come on. Let's get our things and I'll ask Derek to take Snazzy tonight. Then I'll take you somewhere quiet where you can sleep."

And if John spent a large portion of the night watching over that sleep, well, it was just to make sure Brian got the peace he needed.

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