Re: Brian/John (side of Robert)
"Brian." John didn't reach for him again just yet. He'd been prepared to be pushed away. He hadn't been prepared for Brian to actually start telling the truth. Maybe that was why there was no censure or pity in his voice when he said Brian's name. Just compassion for the man he loved.
"I know what it's like to lose people you care about. Sometimes more than once since my world is supremely fucked up. But, at the same time, I also know I can't imagine what you went through because the only way I could is if I lost you. Then nothing else could ever matter." He wanted to reach up and brush Brian's cheek so badly, but he was afraid of spooking him, now that he was talking. So, he didn't go far. He wasn't going to let there be enough distance between them that Brian could mistake it for acceptance that things could just end like this because he was afraid. But, John wasn't physically pushing into his comfort zone anymore, either, giving him a little room to breathe.
The idea of a funeral stopped him. Even though he'd explained to Savannah, he'd been too pissed off at the moment to really grasp that there'd been a funeral for him. That was just surreal. "You were grieving, Brian. That's not pathetic. It's human. And this is who you are. You're a caring man, Brian. That isn't something you became because of us. It's something that's always been there. You don't care about their rules or their morals, but you care about people. You take care of the people around you, your friends and the people that are like family to you. That didn't start here. You were like that before, with Michael and Lindsay and Debbie and your friends in Pittsburgh. You're no better at cutting yourself off from people than I am, you're just better at sounding like a charming asshole to cover for it."
Very slowly, he reached out to take Brian's hand. Nothing else. Just holding his hand. "I know you were hurt and you're still hurting and it'll take time to get over that. I'll back off, if that's what you need. But, I'm not going to just go away, Brian. You can try to stop caring, but I'll still care about you and I'll still be here for you." Biting his lip, John swallowed before continuing. "Even if you never let me in again, I'm going to be here waiting for the day you do because I love you and I know you love me, even if you're afraid to feel it right now."