The feeling of familiar jeans and a well worn shirt had been such a minor comfort when Rey had risen that morning, well before dawn and most of the residents of Derleth. Gone were the dresses and silk nightgowns of a woman desperately trying to play a part that Rey suspected could never bring her true happiness and instead was a tactile memory. Clothes that reminded her of home and the warmth of a Texan sun and that had the faintest smell of grime to them from an unfinished work day. She'd turned in the bed and brought her knees up to her chest, circling her arms around them, and bowed her head to bask in the comfort it provided.
And she allowed herself to daydream. As her own arms tightened around her, she imagined the embrace of a phantom figure that whispered simple words of 'I got you' against the back of her neck. Though the daydream was meant for comfort it only succeeded in making a whimper escape from the back of her throat.
Dreaming was dangerous.
Shakily breathing out, she unfolded her arms from her knees. No matter the temporary comfort it could bring, there was no denying it would simply sharpen the longing that she desperately was trying to bury deep down. She needed to move forward. Moments later, her legs were swinging out over the bed. The beeps from BB-8 went unacknowledged and she moved for the door without a single belonging in hand. She fell back on another former comfort. As soon as she was out the door, she took off running. She ran without stopping to acknowledge anyone else who may have risen early. She ran until sweat pooled down the back of her shirt and her untamed buns of hair were drenched. She ran until she could return to the dorm and collapse on the bed face down in exhaustion.
Waking many hours later, she'd lost a sense of what time it could be. It was difficult to keep track of at times and she found it even more difficult to care presently. After brief conversations on the network, with her mood pivoting again in a downswing, she pocketed the device and moved to escape once more. This time, before she left, she crouched down and pressed her forehead to BB-8's dome. A loving beep escaped from him and she couldn't help but smile.
She'd not been seeking company when she'd moved to the green. She'd dropped down onto the grass near the clearing of trees and stretched out to put her arm over her face. She'd not been laying long before she felt a presence nearby and she lifted her arm to look off in the near distance. Though she couldn't see her companion on the green, she knew they were there. "Should I pretend I don't know you are around?" She spoke loudly enough to be heard as her arm dropped back down over her eyes.
Courage on the network was easier than the same in person. Ask any disgruntled troll about that one -- even if the immediate connection to such a crowd made Ikol nearly groan aloud. His was a world of craftily-manufactured replies, heading off the pass by being among the first to give commentary and injecting it with some humor, and of plying only the company he wished for into his space. As of the day so far, that had been Loki and Sylvie as a package, then Richie for some recreational relief…
Rey hadn’t intentionally been excluded. Not in the cruel sense, anyway. Among Derleth’s residents, she had been steadfast in her offer of friendship, and Ikol found himself questioning why that was every time their paths crossed. More so, he questioned it now, given the previous week. Dexter Larson had been a fabrication, but even so he had been fabricated as Rey’s friend. They had been two people swept up in some fantasy, and if not for the ending twist, it almost would have been a kindness that the author of such a story provided at least that connection.
Ikol stopped short, his attention falling on the source of the voice. There was a downward cast of his gaze for a silent second as he debated options. She knew he was there, regardless of the fancy shadow magic woven into his coat and the way his boots masked his footfalls. And, once again, Rey had been placed in his path. Or had he been placed in hers?
No, he wouldn’t walk away. If anyone was owed something this week -- something from him in particular -- then it was Rey. He sauntered up to where she was seated and crouched down to sit beside her. The invisibility charm of the coat fell away, not unlike a cover being drawn back from obscuring what was beneath.
“You could, but I think we both know a lie takes two willing parties to buy in.” What more could he do? He gave her a smile, small and apologetic. It barely rated against what he felt she was owed for the nightmare of what happened to her the week prior.
If Ikol had chosen to continue on without an acknowledgement of her statement, she wouldn't have held it against him. Having sought out solitude twice already that day, who was she to be upset if someone wished to maintain it? Even without lifting her arm again, however, she could feel his approach coming closer.
And she found that she was glad of it, regardless of her prior desire to bask in the notion of being alone. After all? It wasn't that she truly wanted to be. It was that those she would have turned to in normal circumstances were no longer an option. Those who reached out a hand to her in concern were appreciated but it wasn't quite the same.
Her arm pulled back and she let it fall behind her head. Her eyes opened just in time to see the invisibility charm dissipate and the weakest of smiles was offered up to him. "I'd have gone along with it," she assured him in a quiet tone.
But what to say after that? Words seemed hard to summon and for a moment she was willing to allow the silence, before she shifted to turn on her side and prop her head up with her hand. "You can put the enchantment back on if you want. We could just sit in each other's company."
“I’m sure you would have, but that would be twice in two weeks where things fell a certain way because…” He breathed in, searching for a way to put it so that it didn’t sound so self-centered. Except, it was. Because there was a common denominator here. “Some troublesome being couldn’t step out of his own head for a moment.”
And if that was an attempt at an apology, it was too short and too obscured. He knew that. Despite keeping his mind briskly pacing through everything and anything but reflecting on Dunwich, he’d struck a point of trying so hard to avoid thinking of something that it kept battering at his defenses. Stopping here, with Rey, he could see snippets of the final day. Her limp form in his arms as he raced away from the battle to take her away from Earth, as if she had any choice about that fate. No, he wasn’t himself, but that didn’t scrub anything from his mind. Like a cold catching, his inability to come back into himself had taken Rey’s identity, carved it out, and replaced her with something else.
He was the last person she should want to see right now. So, why did she call to him?
He waved a hand at the small area of the Green in front of them. “Oh, let someone see me. By and large, Derleth is more fascinated by the addition of an alligator than anything else.” It was meant to be humor, but his laugh was flat and forced. It made him fall into silence. ‘We could just sit in each other’s company.’ Was he even capable of it?
His statement was met with silence as Rey attempted to mask the emotions that wanted to play across her features. She had more difficulty with this than she'd like to admit and had for as long as she could remember. There was a sharpness to her features, as her brows came together, as disagreement of his words struck through her. As far as she was concerned? No. This was not the second time.
Her eyes cast out to the remainder of the Green as he gestured ahead and she focused on the slightly changed landscape. Trees had been culled in the prior weeks for a project she'd been eager to assist with. There was a half thought of whether or not it was still moving forward. She'd need to reach out to the other Loki and inquire about it in the future.
But not today. It was not a priority.
Still looking away from Ikol, she chose her words carefully when she did speak. "Would you have prefered if that weren't the case?"
Funny how quiet could feel so invasive for some. Ikol knew he was among that number. Quiet meant someone was thinking, possibly unraveling his words… and while they did that, he unraveled himself. It was dangerous at times. Here, he wasn’t sure. He was still getting to know Rey, and she was likely trying to get a better read on him.
Then again, maybe it wasn’t danger that he was concerned about. Maybe it was just a sinking feeling that she would come up on something that warned her off. His life, his well being, would be fine. He survived these moments when his house of cards toppled. It didn’t make them any easier to contend with, but time eroded emotions. Time, he knew, would take the sting off fresh memories.
“No,” he answered. “It means I don’t have to muster replies that no one would care to hear. It means I don’t have to hear anyone tell me that it was or wasn’t my fault. I wouldn’t begrudge anyone their blame, anyway, but to avoid that altogether? Wonderful. How fortunate for me.” His expression was erring on something of a grimace. The words themselves had a sarcastic lilt, as well. It almost felt worse, wanting someone to yell at him and realizing perhaps none would.
Her gaze traveled back to him when his words began and she didn't cast away her eyes as he spoke. The bite was noted but not immediately commented upon. It felt important to be careful with her words, as they were still truly getting to know one another, and she didn't wish to fall into any of the categories he'd laid out. She didn't believe it to be his fault but it was clear from his admission just now that it wasn't beneficial for him to hear this reassurance. Instead she chose, "I might begrudge them on your behalf."
She'd certainly begun to before she'd found herself pulled into the stronghold of one of the pods. Those casting blame as though the Loki's had any choice in the part were noted in Rey's mind and weren't likely to be forgotten anytime soon.
She shifted again to lay back out on the grass properly and fold her hands on her chest. "It's still early. Some might choose not to avoid it." Of course, this wasn't what Rey wanted for him but perhaps it would help if it wasn't ignored. "Though it's just as likely some may let it fester for weeks."
“It is still early,” Ikol echoed. He remained sitting upright as Rey reclined, but it was out of some hard-to-grasp inkling that he should mind how much of her space he occupied. He inched his legs out the backs of his calves touched the ground beneath, then leaned backwards only to prop himself up with his hands. Blades of grass jutted between his fingers, almost matching the iridescent green of his nail polish.
“Perhaps, in a day or two, someone will wake and think, ‘You know, today feels like a fine day for comeuppance.’ Possibly an Avenger. They do that.” The barbs of his tone had worn down again. Humor surfaced, assuming its usual hold of his replies and masking the underlying condition once more.
Ikol turned slightly and spared Rey a glance downward. Internal reflection was scorned, and he found himself thinking on the conditions that must have brought her out here alone. Not even BB-8 was around. What a fool he was sometimes, not seeing the clues in front of his face because he was determined to have a sulk in his own skull.
“I am sorry. In as much as I can be. For what happened to you,” he started again. A series of vague statements to most, but he knew Rey would know what he was referring to. “I would like to say I treat my friends better than that.” And so he would like to. Reality might contest the actual record, however.
Rey gave a soft huff of a laugh. Her experience with the Avengers was certainly different from Ikol's but she could see how that conclusion could be drawn. She'd not have thought it likely from the ones she was fond of but who knew? "You can borrow Pilot's tennis ball when that day comes. Chuck it at their head for being nonsensical," she remarked and it was only after saying so that it occurred to her he'd not know who Pilot was. Some of the mirth left her expression but she didn't make any comment to explain.
She tilted her head back just enough that she could look back at him when he spoke again before letting her focus return to the sky above. "I believe you," she said after a moment, "In that you'd not treat your friends badly." She turned the rest of the apology over in her mind. It was easier to reflect back on the events of the past week now where there was relative silence outside of their conversation. "I don't blame you. I doubt that'll affect how you feel but I want you to know I don't."
But it had been unpleasant to wake that morning and reflect on what she'd so easily been capable of doing when control was out of her hands. A small shake of her head was given. "You know I was hoping to get to you and figure a way to pull you from the narrative? I just...got caught along the way."
Pilot. It did seize Ikol’s attention that this name had been dropped without an explanation. Tennis ball suggested the first thing that any dog owner would think: something to fetch. He filed that away for now as an increased suspicion that Rey was more dog person than not. Based on the way she’d handled meeting Thori, it couldn’t be a stretch.
But that was neither here nor there. Dogs were well and good, but they weren’t the heart of why the two of them were sprawled out in the middle of the Green, away from prying ears and eyes.
He looked at her as she turned her face to look up at him. Such a simple sentence had been offered. ‘I believe you.’ The way he turned to her at those words, one would have thought they had their own gravity to make him nearly start at hearing them. It railed against the natural order of being a Loki. No one accepted his words at face value. There were reasons to not. There was a history that pointed out exactly why that type of loose trust was careless and reckless. His eyes darted to a spot of grass just beyond her gaze and remained transfixed there.
“Was he like me?” Seemingly, it was a total swap of topics and one back onto Loki-centric matters. Ikol couldn’t help it. There had to be some sort of reason that Rey had decided that his was the company she wanted, and that -- even as a war-lusting alien colonizer -- he was worth trying to snap out of a false narrative. “The Loki you knew from Tumbleweed. Was he...”
What? A host of descriptors came to mind, but they all seemed like a ploy to get Rey to prop up his ego. “Your friend?”
At first, Rey did not follow. Her brows came together in a perplexed way that continued her tradition of her face always giving her away. She did not mask herself well. Was it likely Ikol wanted an outside perspective on how similar she felt Dexter and Ikol were? It didn't seem likely but the confusion was evident until he clarified and made it clear he was speaking about Tumbleweed.
Her lips pursed and she felt the same ache she'd felt earlier that morning. The longing for Tumbleweed was ever present but she tried not to ponder it. And she would not now. His question was one she could answer without losing herself over to yearning for matters out of her control.
It felt wrong to be looking away from him now and she propped herself back up again. There was no adjustment to sprawl out in a different manner. Instead, she sat up completely and brought up a single knee to rest her arm against. Focus turned to him once she was comfortable before she shook her head back and forth to convey that they hadn't actually been. It wasn't that she'd not liked the Loki of Tumbleweed. He'd seemed kind and efficient. He was certainly a position of authority in her eyes, recognized as someone who kept things running, and someone she'd look to for instruction if necessary.
But he'd not been her friend.
"There are similarities," she offered, gently, as she picked at some worn threads of her pant leg. "We didn't operate in the same circles. It was more just awareness of each other. Those of us who were there long enough got to that point, you know?"
He really did expect her to say yes. Yes, because it would have resolved the matter of this whole question. Why did she seek him out? Because he looked and sounded like someone else who reminded her of another home. Easy. Why did she try to take on an alien incursion to try and reach him? Again, easy. Seeing a suggestion of what the heart longed for drove many to reach to bring it nearer. Hadn’t Ikol himself spent part of the morning reflecting on how those bickering moments with Loki felt like a day in Asgard, debating nonsense with Thor merely because siblings did such a thing?
Not the same, but close enough. Creature comforts.
Ikol pulled a small frown as he thought on her reply. He nodded, just to show that he’d heard the words. It should be a relief to find out that he wasn’t actually living in the shadow of some better version of himself. But, still, it left him trying to discern what inciting thing brought their paths together. More and more it seemed like they were here, together… because like recognized like. Despite the crowd of people in Derleth, they were somehow apart from the others.
“Certainly the black hair, green eyes,” he finally replied, and he did his utmost to give her a grin. “No, I think I understand. Time breeds familiarity. What connects people is sometimes a rare moment when both look up at the same time. Granted, it might be because there was a monster with giant claws giving chase and coordination was key, but...”
He shrugged. “Miss that moment, and you miss the point the promise of a friendship would have taken root.”
The frown gave her a pause of her own. Was it a disappointment that she'd not been? With her current dilemma, of so many of her friends not remembering her and her being uncertain how to navigate new relationships, it was interesting to see the possibility of disappointment. Of course, she knew it could likely be for another reason.
When the reply came, and was offered with a grin, her head tilted and she gave him the smallest look. "I've seen physically identical twins from separate universes and they be vastly different," she stated. She thought back to the Eliot's of her time in Texas. Without taking in the physical indicators that so many relied on, she could tell them apart. It was in how they carried themselves as a response of varying experiences the other hadn't lived through. And she'd seen the same with her own twin. "I've had it myself, even."
But she gave a nod to his continued statement and now she was giving a smile. "Or a droid forcing paths to cross. We can't discredit his part." Still, she believed she understood what he was getting at and she offered up, "We've not missed the moment. Not this time." Head tilted, curiosity did get the better of her. "Were you hoping we were friends before? The other and I?"
So, she had encountered Multi-Versal doubles in addition to traveling between worlds. It explained a certain amount of nonchalance she bore towards facets of Derleth and the mechanics of how it worked. He adjusted his internal notes on Rey slightly once more. He took her for a traveler of the stars, but she sounded like she was used to a certain amount of the chaos that followed from both magic and science, as well. That… that was good.
“There was another Rey?” he asked, genuinely curious in that regard. As it stood he was one of multiple Lokis, and the only person to seemingly be present in duplicate, then triplicate, and now… well, you know. “Did you get along?”
He then considered her further assessment of their first real meeting here. It was true that BB-8 had made what was a loose acquaintance into something more steadfast through placing them all in danger, but Ikol hadn’t remained at Rey’s side because he saw a chance for friendship to flourish. His words had been selected with care: promise of a friendship. In reality, what he’d seen in her was some adept, clever, powerful. His instinct was for an alliance. Now, sitting here, he could feel the twinge of guilt. Survival made him see people as useful or not. Verity had become his best friend because she stepped out of that binary, but then he’d clearly learned no lessons to have fallen back into the same routine.
He needed to stop doing that. He needed…
To stop getting in the way of himself. To be someone worth befriending. How?
“I guess there was some hope that you had been friends, if only to know it was possible. Maybe it’s better that you weren’t. I’m not him. And even the you that you were in that other world… she’s here, but she also isn’t. Rebuilding is sometimes harder than starting anew. We’re both at the very start of…” He gestured between them. “This. That’s exciting. Isn’t it?” And he may have looked a little expectant and hopefully as he let the question sit.
Her head gave a gentle nod as her mind traveled back to years prior when her doppleganger was at her side. They'd deviated from one another sometime around Ahch-To and the other had the path of being trained by Luke. A Luke who would survive past the Battle of Crait and take Rey on an apprentice; a stark contrast from the path she found herself on back home. Her teachings came from Leia and she couldn't imagine it differently now, even if she'd once hoped for Luke to guide her along her educational pursuits. She pulled in a breath. "We understood one another. I like to think she enjoyed my company as I enjoyed hers. When she departed, I found I missed her but she had pursuits to return to. I was more optimistic for her happiness than..."
Than her own.
She cleared her throat and let the statement lay. He'd understand without the continued press for clarification.
She turned this over in her mind. Did Ikol find it so unfamiliar a notion that he could have friends? His words made it seem as so. "I think it is better," she agreed with her voice dropping in volume. There was a sadness interwoven with her words as she did so. It was easier to build new bridges with the people she'd not been close to and only had a vague awareness of. Trying to establish a new connection with those she'd cred for deeply? It always made her overthink her words and actions and she never truly felt as though managed well. At this point in her travels? She tried to avoid it.
Though there were the handful that complicated matters. No matter the time period her Master came from? Rey would always try to reconnect with Leia. It was impossible for her not to.
She turned enough to catch his gaze as he gestured between them. A nod of agreement was given. "Yes. It's exciting to be at the start."