Who: Jason Song, Dan Hoffman What: Another morning spent in bed; talking. When: Monday, April 6th, morning Where: Dan's apartment Rating: NC-17 at the start, PG-13 for the rest Status: Complete
His fingers tightened against a pale hip, their bodies flush together and the long column of Jason's throat, dotted with sweat, bared to him. Dan fastened lips to a sharp collarbone, tongue sucking out the moisture from his skin and leaving red blotches in its wake. He reached around him, fisting a hand in damp hair, like that would ground him, and cursed when he felt the other man's length brush against him.
The day had begun normally, the night before the first night in a long while that did not involve tossing and turning or restless sleep. After getting used to waking up alone weeks before, it was a change to find in bed with him every morning, a change he didn't mind.
Gentle kisses and soft touch that escalated into much more as restrained passion and unspoken desires boiled over. It was intimacy that had been denied him, and he indulged in it. His hands roamed Dan's body, his touches with unquestioned intent.
Dan shifted, his useless legs aware of his lover's weight resting over him. He relished the rare closeness, this particular brand one that they hadn't shared in too long. It hadn't been missed, precisely, but its absence had left him yearning and hoping. Being with Jason was never a disappointment, though it did a number on his nerves.
His hand slipped under the sheets, folding under Jason's thigh before sliding down.
Jason's hands slid upward along Dan's torso, his thumbs tracing the curves and contour of muscle that shifted beneath his touch. One of his hands grasped the side of Dan's face, guiding their lips together as he kissed him reverently.
Dan's pulse thudded in his ears, loud and insistent, just like the burning in his lungs as he forgot to breathe. He touched his lover insistently, and gasping against Jason's lips, kissed back with equal heat. There was only a wince when their hips met, his hand still between them before he managed to draw it out.
Jason gasped loudly and his fingers clawed against Dan's skin. He pressed his body tighter against Dan in response to the touch of his hands. Jason caught the wince, and he could sense something was off. He broke the kiss, his lips hovering a breath away as he breathed, "what's wrong?"
"Nothing, it's cool," Dan lied quickly, trying to do as they always did and focus on his lover's pleasure. It was an unspoken agreement between them and he had no idea how Jason rationalized it away or if the other man even noticed. They didn't talk about his shortcomings. He tried to renew the kiss, hoping to distract with hands and lips.
Jason sensed the distractions for what they were, usually he would be too caught up in the moment to notice, and when he did Dan never seemed to care enough for him to take note. Dan winced, and Jason noticed. It was something he couldn't just let go. He returned the kiss briefly, but pulled back, "you sure?"
The smacking sound of their kisses faltered and so did the frenzied pace of their love-making. Dan felt flustered. "I can't do it," he sighed, dropping his head back onto the pillow. "Again. Sorry."
"Don't be," Jason said automatically as he rested his chin against Dan's shoulder. He didn't say it because that was what one was supposed to say, he sincerely meant it. He brushed his fingertips across Dan's brow, "I don't want to if it bothers you."
Dan covered his eyes with a hand, trying to stave off an imaginary migraine. "It didn't used to be this bad, huh?" he snorted humorlessly, his flagid length as though testimony to his abuses. He'd known about the possible effects when he'd started taking the pills. He just hadn't cared.
"I didn't say anything about being bad," Jason sighed heavily, "just that you winced, and I just thought...you were forcing it because I wanted to. We don't have to."
"I want to, Jason," Dan retorted and reached out a hand to touch his shoulder. "It's the first time we've both wanted it in how long? Of course I wanted to... it's just. It's not going to happen."
"Then what is bothering you?" Jason asked with a huff of air, it always did take extra effort to get to the root of the problem with Dan. "Those other times this happened, it didn't seem to be that big of a deal." There was the sinking feeling that it was, and he was just now cluing into it.
Dan dropped his hand, as though touching him was inappropriate. "I hate it every time it happens. I know you're cool about it, I know that you don't mind especially, but it's frustrating."
"I'm sorry, I didn't know," Jason frowned and reached for Dan's hand when he moved it from his shoulder. "Dumb, right? If it was me, I'd hate it too...even if you didn't mind."
"It's not dumb," he countered. "It's what it is. I love being with you but it just feels a little bit harder every time." A shallow laugh. "That was a telling choice of words there."
"Very telling," Jason gave a half-hearted smile, "is it a physical thing? Or is it because of everything that's happened? I'd feel better if I knew if it was something I could help with, or just another thing that just happens."
Dan sighed. They had to talk about this sooner or later. It wasn't fair to keep things secret. "It's part of being paralyzed. I've lost most feeling below the waist. Sometimes that just means more work, others it's... it's like today."
"Okay," Jason nodded faintly, it was the first time that he had gotten Dan to talk about his paralysis, "so there are good days, and not so good days. I can live with that. As long as it isn't something I could be doing differently. When you say you've lost most feeling, is it like feeling in certain places, or just that everything below the waist is...off?"
"Everything is off. My legs are just the more visible part of it." With some difficulty, Dan turned onto his side, preferrnig to see Jason's face as he went on. "If you touch me, or if I touch myself, sometimes it helps. Not always. You know the reason for the annulment from your sister was ED? In a strange twist of fate, it may be becoming reality."
"Not too far from the truth that it wouldn't be believed," Jason murmured, and habitually draped an arm over Dan's side to balance him, "at least the annulment wasn't because you were more interested in her twin brother."
Jason looked into Dan's eyes and smiled, "you know, I just enjoy being with you."
Something warm flared in his chest and for a long moment, it was impossible to breathe, so Dan didn't try. Just enjoyed the unfamiliar burn that was fast becoming habit. "I know. I know and I love you for that. I love you for not asking more." Or for things he couldn't give. "But I still wish I could give more..." He shrugged. "I can't help it. I want to give you everything. The picture perfect night..."
Jason couldn't help but flush at that and he shook his head, "you have different standards of picture perfect than I do. I wanted you to love me, and I got that. I wanted to be with you, and I'm here now. Everything else is a bonus."
Dan swallowed tightly, the pleasant warm in his lungs turning sour with every lie and every omission he'd allowed himself. He pressed a kiss to Jason's mouth. "Klonopin. I take it for a panic disorder. It can contribute to ED."
"Is it the same panic disorder you have the Xanax for?" Jason asked as he idly carded his fingers through Dan's hair. Given the raid and the arrests, the admission of needing those drugs weren't a surprise. It was encouraging that Dan was even willing to talk about why he needed them. "Do you need to take them all of the time?"
"That's part of it," Dan admitted, flirting with the possibility of a lie. It would be so much easier, just to leave it at that. "Before I met you, I hadn't left the apartment in probably... ten years? Something like that. A long time, anyway. I take them all the time now because at any time I could be forced to go out."
"You have panic attacks when you go out? So that's why..." Jason shook his head, "I just thought you didn't like to go out. I never really thought about how much or why. All of these little things that didn't make sense, do."
"There's a lot I don't feel comfortable talking about that you should know," Dan sighed. "The agoraphobia I thought you might have noticed that day when they broke in and took us away. I passed out and it wasn't just the shock. I started medicating after... I've been varrying levels of high ever since."
"You don't have to tell me everything at once," Jason pointed out with a sigh, "but if you think I should know, you should tell me sometime. " Unless you like me finding out about things the hard way."
Dan cracked a smile, but it was sad. "I'm not used to sharing," he confessed. "Some parts of the dating game come back quicker than others... Your mother found out. At the Center. She figured something was wrong."
"I'd be more surprised if she didn't," Jason laughed softly and pressed his palm against Dan's cheek in an attempt to dispel the sadness he could see in the other's eyes. "You'll get used to it, you're stuck with me."
Dan covered his hand with his own and turned his lips into Jason's palm. "I know. In sickness and in health." He didn't feel any less bad for taking the choice from him, but the idea of being married to Jason was no less pleasant than that of being with him.
"I know that we're only married because we needed a legal loophole," Jason smiled warmly at the kiss, and hugged his free arm around Dan's waist, "it doesn't make what we have any less real. I don't need you to ask me, or say any vows. Somewhere along the line, I was yours long before that."
Dan kissed him again, this time on the lips, and settled closer to the other man's body. "Here's to legal loopholes, in that case. Getting us married against our will but not against our wishes." It sounded corny and it was, so he covered it with a chuckle pressed into Jason's neck.
"Oh man, where did you come up with that one?" Jason teased with a soft laugh, and he hugged Dan close, "I didn't even know you could do sappy. That's it, you're grounded, I'm hiding all of your DVDs."
"Shut up," Dan laughed, skirting past embarrassment to kiss him. He had a corny side and it was to Jason's credit that it surfaced. "It's too late. I'm old. I've memorized Casablanca."
"No no, this is a big deal," Jason continued, his smile widening as the atmosphere in the room lightened. He pressed a light kiss to his lips and then shook his head. "We might have a huge problem here. I'm a scientist, I don't know if I can live with hearing sickingly sweet sentimental statements every morning. I can't go floating into the lab on cloud nine, I'll be too distracted to even pretend to be smart."
After the things that had been said, this almost made everything seem easy and manageable. It was an illusion Dan bought into gladly. "You're right. It's a problem. I see no other solution than to ask you to give up this life of science and meteorological predictions in the interest of the greater good."
"The greater good of converting to romantic-ism?" Jason feigned a pout, "I don't know, if I give up science and meterological prediction, what would I do with my days? I guess I could be a stay-at-home violinist..."
"Serenade me to the rest of my days?" Dan teased. "I could live with that." It sounded like an idyllic way to spend their lives, and like all things too good to be true, it probably never would be more than a pipe dream.
"Something like that," Jason smiled warmly, and lightly danced his fingers across Dan's cheek, "You'll have to pay me, I've got student loans to pay off. I'll have to learn to cook, so I can contribute more than just music."
Jason sighed when the ringing of the phone interrupted their idyllic musings. "Want me to get it? Or let the machine?"
"Let the machine," Dan ruled quickly, without thinking twice. He didn't want Jason to move from bed. It was a comfortable moment and he was loathe to spoile it. "It's probably not important."
"Probably not," Jason agreed with a decisive nod, even though he had made the offer to get the phone he had no real intention of moving from where he was. "This early it is probably a wrong number, a pollster, or a telemarketer."
Dan nodded and pulled the covers higher over them. "We should disconnect the phone, anyway. Cellphones work fine." And were at least a little harder to bug.
The phone went to voicemail and after the familiar beep, his brother's voice came on the line. "Hey, man... are you up yet? I don't know what time it is in Seattle. And it's your birthday, so you're entitled to sleep in anyway. Just wanted to say have a good one. Call me when you can."
"Now that I have a cell people can call, I agree," Jason murmured, perfectly content in staying in bed for a few more hours, even moreso that it seemed that Dan was encouraging it. He half listened to the voice on the machine, the voice was unfamiliar to him, but the mention of a birthday caught his attention. "Hmm, what was that about?"
Dan sighed and shrugged. "My birthday's today." Trust his brother to remember to call. "April 6. I'm officially thirty-six."
"Well, don't expect me to make you a cake on short notice, I don't think we have enough candles," Jason teased lightly, "who was that who called? It didn't sound like anyone I've met."
"Joel, one of my brothers," Dan replied, flicking his finger against Jason's neck in retaliation. "And don't worry about the cake. Or candles."
"Hey, I'm just stating facts," Jason laughed softly, "and you should call him back and thank him for the reminder. It's your birthday, that's something to celebrate."
"I know you are," Dan chuckled. "But I can see wheels turning and I'm trying to stop them before they're in motion. I'll call him back later. Right now I just want to celebrate with you."
"There are no wheels, just plans that I will not reveal until after they have been completed," Jason smiled at him, "don't worry, I don't plan on sharing you with anyone else today. I promise."
"Fine, you plan," he sighed contentedly, burrowing down into the covers, "while I catch up on sleep. Or you know, feel free to join me."
"I'm such a bad influence, I never realized you could be so lazy," Jason sighed and opted to rest his head against Dan's shoulder instead of one of the pillows. "Staying in bed all morning, now taking naps, what's next? Skipping work?"
"Perish the thought," Dan mumured, already somewhere on the edge of sleep. It was hard to resist, considering how relaxed he felt. "I'm a terrible, terrible... mmhmm, personn." He pulled his arm around Jason's waist and added: "And so are you."