Who: Lex Yaxley Savage & Hamish Roberts What: Drinking and talking. Trying to figure out where they stand. When: 7 March Where: The Drunken Seer & Hamish's Room Warnings: A for AWKWARD (talk of the war & relationships)
Lex was at the Seer not long after she'd finished writing to Hamish. She settled into the booth where she and Hamish used to spend many an evening before she'd gotten serious with Micah. Before the war. Before all this mess. She'd asked the barkeep to just leave the bottle of scotch and two glasses as she propped her feet on the wooden seat, glass of liquor balanced on her knee. The more and more people talked, the less she felt she had people to talk to, excepting Micah, of course. Mel might understand, but he had different priorities than she did and he'd been busy as of late. Meaghan… well, she wasn't sure that was an option anymore. And Angus and Hamish…. Well, they'd had very different experiences of the war and she wanted to preserve her friendships with them, even if it meant not talking about certain things. She was halfway through her glass of scotch when she spotted Hamish, raising her glass at him. "You still take a long time getting dressed."
Hamish flashed Lex a grin as she teased him, and slid in the opposite side of the corner booth so he could settle in next to her. "Always," he said, even if he would still protest that it didn't take him that long to get dressed.
He took the bottle, poured his own glass and returned the gesture. "It's been some time, hasn't it? When was the last time we were both here?" He was here multiple times a week, with company or not. The Seer had led him to the Castle, after all. It was his pub.
"How're you, Lex?" he asked. "Ready for the match?"
"Too long, obviously," she said, leaning against him once he was settled. She topped off her glass and took another long sip.
She smirked and looked up at Hamish. "I was born ready."
That was definitely more confidence than she'd shown while they'd been out flying so Hamish took that as a positive. "Good," he smiled, taking a long drink. He raised his arm and draped it around her shoulders.
"It has been too long. We had some good nights here."
Lex smiled. Hamish was right, they had had some good nights here. And at Hamish's place. "Some amazing nights, I'd say," she teased with a smirk, swirling the scotch in her glass. Her hand rested on his leg, picking at the fabric.
"Feeling nostalgic?" he asked her. Things had changed, after all, even if he made no move to remove her hand from his leg.
Lex shrugged. "Just missing the way things were." It wasn't just her and Hamish. Or her and Angus. It was the friendship she'd had with Jason. The one she'd had with Meaghan. They'd all survived the war and yet things seemed to be getting worse with time.
"Care to elaborate?" he asked her. There was the slightest hint of something in her voice that prompted the question, though after various conversations with Maggie recently, he wasn't actually expecting an answer.
Lex shrugged. "Lots of things, I guess. I don't know. Doesn't make much sense, I reckon."
"Alright, now you have to," he replied. "So we can make sense of it." He turned his head toward Lex to give her a look. "So spill."
Lex shook her head and closed her eyes, turning to press her body into Hamish's, the on his leg stroking his thigh absently. She couldn't tell him.
His breath hitched momentarily, and Hamish set his drink down and reached for her hand, needing to stop that from escalating into something he wasn't ready for and didn't know if he ever would be. It would be so easy to fall into old habits, but even if she said her marriage was open, that everything would be okay, would it really?
Temporarily distracted, he shook his own head to clear that train of thought. "I can't serve as that kinda distraction tonight," he said softly. "But I'm still here."
The action was enough bring her back to the present. No matter how much she wanted to go back to what they had before, that wasn’t possible. That much was clear. And even if all she wanted was to be held in his arms for a few hours, that might be more trouble than it was worth.
She pulled away from him, moving her feet to the floor and setting her glass of scotch on the table, pushing it away softly. “Right.”
Of course it was the wrong thing. Everything this week had been him saying or doing the wrong thing. No, that wasn't fair. That wasn't how he needed to approach this because that wasn't going to do him or Lex any favours.
And he had no idea what was going on in her head now, as she pulled away, retreating.
"Lex?"
He let the question hang softly in the air, not wanting to push, but he really was still there.
“You’re right,” she said quietly, giving him a weak smile before running a hand through her hair. “The past is in the past. No point dwelling on it.”
He just sat there, looking at her for a moment. Yes, things were different between them now, but he still cared about her, still loved her, if he was being honest. However awkward that was didn't change the fact that he could recognise that uncertain smile or that he knew something was bothering her, even if he had no idea what.
"C'mere," he said quietly, reaching for her again, to pull her into a hug.
She resisted for a moment, eyes focused on the table in front of her. She'd cried too many times this week and she could feel the tears working their way towards the surface. There were no showers to escape to here. Maybe that was the problem -- that she kept wanting to escape. But who could blame her when everything she said seemed to be the wrong thing. Hamish's voice tugged at her though and the tears threatened to spill. "I don't want to talk about it…" she said quietly.
"Alright," he replied just as softly, embracing her and acquiescing to that for now at least. Still with no idea what was going through her head.
She wrapped her arms around him, burying her face in his shirt until her breathing slowed and she felt herself relax slightly. “I miss this.”
"Me too," he agreed. "What even happened? Besides Micah…"
That was part of it, yeah. But not everything. Hamish couldn't even pinpoint where they'd started drifting, but it seemed as though that was before Lex started focusing more on Micah and less on anyone else.
“The war,” she said simply as if that explained everything. Lex had refused to comment on it publicly, maintaining neutrality. She’d ignored things and well, had pulled back from people who might not understand why she’d needed to be neutral. She’d pulled back from people who could be endangered by being friends with her.
“Besides, Micah doesn’t have to change things.” Except that it did to everyone else. It had made the PR guy quit. Made her sister mad at her. Made her lose her other relationships. It had been the happiest day of her life, but it had cost her.
Leaving the Micah statement alone for now, Hamish replied quietly, "War's over, Lex.'
“Doesn’t fucking feel like it.”
"Why's that?"
Did she really need to explain it? Did he not get it? She huffed out a sigh against him. "Because people keep dragging things up, trying to make it black and white and forcing things and we'll never move forward if people keep dwelling on it." .
"Uplift?" he asked, as that was the most obvious thing he could think of and Jason was her teammate. And you couldn't avoid pink anymore, no matter what match you were at.
"We've never really talked about this," he mused.
“Probably because my uncle’s a death eater,” Lex commented, naming the elephant that made these types of conversations awkward.
"Yeah, he is," Hamish agreed easily. "But you're not. You've never even been close."
Lex snorted at that. "I think some people might disagree with you on that."
"Who?" Hamish said, tensing slightly. "Am I gonna need to fight someone?" He looked at Lex, frowning. “What’s going on?”
She shook her head in the negative. "No… it's fine.." she said. "It's… I mean, it's just the way it is. Comes with the name."
He raised a brow as he considered her. “Clearly it’s not fine, Lex. Otherwise we wouldn’t be here right now, yeah? And it’s not like any of us came through unscathed.”
"Yeah, but it's… I've no right to complain about things, Hamish. I.. I just stood by and did nothing while my friends went to prison…"
“So you’re feeling guilty?” Hamish asked quietly. “Cause I get that.”
"I s'pose, but it's also…" Lex huffed out a sigh as she leaned into Hamish, finding his hand and intertwining their fingers. "It's stupid, what I think. But I was hopeful that once the season got started we'd just keep moving forward. Instead if feels like it's digging up all the old wounds and pouring salt in them."
“Like when Flint called Monte a mudblood?” Hamish asked. “Lex, I spent the war here, listening into conversations, trying to overhear something useful in between tracking down snatchers or hiding a few people. But people coming back from Azkaban? I don’t think those wounds have healed. I get what they’re doing. I get why moving forward isn’t as easy as we’d hope. But I think we’ll get there eventually. And maybe the salt is worth it?”
"Flint deserves to get his head smashed in with a bludger," Lex said crankily. She'd never liked him and thought he got away with too much on the pitch. "None of the wounds have healed, but this… reminding purebloods about what we did or didn't do… I think it's just going to cause more anger and resentment…"
Hamish shook his head. “It’s not about what you did or didn’t do. It’s what you will or will not do. Nothing can change what happened. There’s no point dwelling on that, you have that right. But now? The future? That we have some say in.”
"I'm not sure there's room for all of us in the future here," Lex mumbled against his shirt.
“Sure there is,” he said easily. “We’ll figure it out.”
Glancing at their abandoned drinks he asked, “ Think they’ll mind if we pay for this then take it with us back to my place?”
"I paid for the bottle in advance." It had been a habit when they used to come here and it prevented them from getting too drunk and forgetting to pay their tab. Plus they were more than capable of finishing a bottle between them.
"But maybe I should head home…"
“You sure?” he asked her. “You don’t have to.” There was a part of him that wanted to just spend more time with her, tempered against the fact that her home included her husband now.
But before she left he did want to spell out one thing and make that clear. He brought his hand to her face, gently tilting her chin so he could look her in the eye. “Whatever future awaits us though? You belong there so don’t go thinking otherwise.”
She didn't want to go. She wanted to stay with Hamish. To go home with him. To curl up in his arm. To feel him stroke her hair. But things couldn't be as they were. Maybe it was better to put some distance between them. She just gave him a small smile that didn't quite reach her eyes. "It's for the best, right?"
Right. That decided it. Placing a kiss on Lex’s cheek, he reached for the bottle and then broke away from her, climbing out of the booth and then walking over to her side, reaching out his hand to her. They could work out their boundaries but he definitely still wanted her in his life.
“Let’s go,” he said, as if that was enough to dispute her question.
"Hamish…"
Her voice was soft and pleading. She should go home. It would make more sense. It was just inviting trouble to stay with Hamish. They wanted different things and she didn't know how to do this. Hell, she didn't know how to do a lot of things. She stood up and reached up on her toes to give him a kiss on the cheek, trying to keep the tears from falling. "Enjoy the whiskey. Sorry I dragged you out for nothing."
As always, Hamish had little idea what Lex was thinking. But now, with them both standing, he hugged her, not caring about anyone else around.
“It’s never for nothing,” he assured her. Even if he had no idea where they went from there.
Her hands fisted in his shirt while she took a shaky breath. "I don't know how to do this."
“Come on,” Hamish said quietly. Without waiting for her to respond, he draped his arm around her and led her out of the pub. He had wanted to kiss her, had almost kissed her, and if he’d stayed standing there any longer he would’ve kissed her.
Bottle still in his free hand, he took a drink from it and then handed it over. “So we’re a complicated mess now, huh?” A pause. “You know I don’t want you leaving like this, yeah?”
It wouldn’t be good for either of them. “Let’s just go back to my place for a bit? At least finish the bottle?”
Dangerous. But the alternative wasn’t any better.
"Just for a bit… if you're sure…." Lex said softly, not wanting to make this worse for either of them.
So he took her to his place, and up to his room if for no other reason than they really didn’t need to deal with his housemates. Maybe he really did need his own place.
But Hamish climbed onto the bed, leaning into the pillows propped against the headboard and gestures for Lex to do the same.
“Forget everything for a moment?” He asked her, reaching for the bottle. He wanted to drink, hold her in his arms until she relaxed and that might be enough. If it was even possible for things to go that smoothly.
Lex climbed into the bed next to Hamish because resistance was futile at that point. (Not that she knew enough to make that reference). "That sounds more like something I would say.." she said with a smirk.
"What can I say, must be your influence?" he asked, reaching for her now. This was probably not his best decision ever but he was presently ignoring that. He took another drink and then offered the bottle back to her.
It had been a while since he'd found himself in a bed with her. And he'd missed that.
This time she couldn't resist and she settled herself in against Hamish, taking the bottle from him and taking a long swing from it. "We always knew I was a bad influence."
"Hey, I didn't say bad influence," Hamish protested. "At least, not yet," he added, thinking they should keep it that way.
Lex laughed at that. "Have you met me? I think Meaghan and I share the crown for queen of bad decisions." Thinking of Meaghan was still hard so she tried to change the subject. Instead, she poked him in the ribs. "Unless you're the bad influence and I'm just this sweet and innocent girl."
"Oh, it's definitely all me," Hamish agreed falsely. "I was such a corrupting influence on you." He laughed and then added, "At least it's never been boring."
He borrowed the bottle once more, pondering it for a moment before taking another drink, his voice suddenly more serious as he spoke up. "This is what I can handle right now, yeah? It's not too bad, right?"
Lex gave him a small smile. "It's fine." It had to be.
Hamish wasn't sure she meant that at all, but it was at least better than how they'd almost left things at the Seer. So that counted for something.
He took another drink and then handled the bottle back to her.
"Good."
"S'awkward as anything, though," Lex admitted, twirling the bottle in her fingers.
Hamish couldn't help himself, laughing at that before he could stop it. "Yes, yes it is," he agreed almost relieved that it had been spoken out loud.
The laugh helped. She pulled back slightly. "It's not fine. It's rotten. Because I don't understand why it has to be different. Or I mean, I guess I can understand the traditional view, I just… didn't expect it and I don't agree with it." At least she had the tact to not say she thought it was stupid. "I miss you. I miss cuddling with you. I miss … everything. I miss not second guessing everything I do because I don't want to push you into something you're uncomfortable with."
"Yeah," Hamish replied, again thinking that this probably did all need to be said. "I get that, I mean… It's not like I have any strong thoughts in favour of relationships or a desire to get married but at the same time? I view it a certain way. The traditional way. Like it's something you don't mess with when you're on the outside. And I don't know that I wanna change how I think about that but if I do, it's not gonna be overnight, you know?"
He frowned slightly. "But I don't want you to be uncomfortable with me either. I'm fine with this. I like this. I've missed this. Because you were always more…"
He realised he was speaking those words after the fact, but he completed the sentence anyway. "More than just a shag. More important to me than whether or not we were sleeping together. And you still are." They were true, after all. But Hamish wasn't one to say that, especially when he felt vulnerable. And after the war, after Micah… he was at the very least uncertain of where he stood with her.
And maybe there was the fear that this wasn't enough for her. And that? That he wasn't about to say aloud.
Why were all these declarations and realizations coming after she was married?? Was she supposed to ask all her… entanglement… before getting married? Did people not understand an open marriage? She expected her peers to think more like her and not like her mother. She didn't know what to say, because it seemed like mixed messages. So instead she just reached out and squeezed Hamish's hand.
Well, that didn't really clarify anything. But she also was giving him space to work his own thoughts out, and he appreciated that. "Thanks," he said quietly.
Maybe they'd get themselves sorted eventually.
She stretched out on the bed, hands over her eyes as she huffed out a sigh. "I don't know how to do this, Hamish."
"Do what, exactly?" he asked. She'd said that once before and it had let them here but clearly not much had been resolved.
"Us." Which was just the tip of the iceberg. She had no idea how to navigate this post war world. Or more specifically, the quidditch world which was pink or perish. And even if she supported the ideals, forcing them was never a good idea. She squeezed his hand. "I don't know what's okay and what's not… "
“We’ll figure it out,” Hamish replied. “I’m 86 percent certain of that. And this is okay,” he said, not knowing that she might have been referring to much more than him. He took the bottle and finished it off before setting it aside. And then he reached for her again, wrapping both arms around her. “This is better, though.”
Lex settled in against him. If she closed her eyes, it almost felt like old times. She covered his hands with her own. "Maybe it's best if you just take the lead.." she said quietly.