Beginning on January 4, Alec Urquhart (addressed to "Reinhold Tinklelane"), Augustus Pye (addressed to "Pylonsicle McPlatypus"), and Meaghan McCormack (addressed to "Miso Shoehornmanstein") each begin to receive owls. At first it's a single owl in the morning. Then another shortly after. Then another, then two, then–
Well, let's just say, they get a lot of owls. 17 over two days, to be precise. There is no indication of who signed up for these things to be sent to these people.
Most of the owls are carrying free samples branded As Seen in Mail-Order Magic!:
Makeup samples (4 owls, many samples). So. Much. Awful. Makeup. All of it is in gaudy packaging. There's a couple of actual good things (a lipstick here, a blush there), but for the most part, just no. Includes: lipstick that changes with your body temperature yet never seems to match; a blush compact on legs that runs away as soon as you open it and is extremely difficult to catch; foundation in only troll skin colours; a concealer purported to contain a longevity serum that is actually just Hiccoughing Potion.
Perfume samples (1 owl, 2 samples). Both claim to adapt to one's mood, both only ever smell bad. One like rancid bubble gum, the other like... flower... casserole???
Motion sensor lights (1 owl, 1 light). These are actually kind of cool but they only work for about an hour before they die forever, and it turns out that the real versions are both extremely expensive, and banned in 6 countries for safety reasons.
Spice packets (1 owl, 40 packets). The package says it adapts to the food and complements the flavours no matter what you're cooking, but it actually makes everything taste like cilantro.
Self-adjusting towel (1 (bath t)ow(e)l). Supposed to readjust itself so you don't need to when wearing it, but actually, it seems to do the exact opposite. You could even tie it in a knot and it would untie itself.
Self-massaging scalp massager (1 owl). Doesn't actually try to massage your scalp. Seems bent on trying to massage plants.
Magical Moo Mixer (1 owl). This actually works, but it also makes an ear-shattering MOOOOOOO!!! noise every damn time.
Bowl Brite (1 owl). Somehow the Muggle contraption got mixed up in here! It's awfully faint, however, and sometimes the lights look like they're making eyes.
Bad bodice rippers (12 books across 3 owls). Each one is worse than the last. One, PASUN AT PIG PE EEK, claims to be written by the editor of "The beloved editor of T ROL newsletter!"
Ocean smell (1 owl). When you open this package you get a whiff of ocean smell — salt water, kelp, and rotting fish. Then the package deflates and there's nothing.
Nothing (1 owl). The package was full of air.
At the same time as the samples, 5 newsletters are delivered by a single owl. After the first week, they receive one new issue of a newsletter each week. (e.g., on January 4 they receive all 5, on January 11 they only receive Make Like a Muggle!, on January 18 they only receive The Boat Show, etc. until they receive T ROL and the cycle restarts again the next week with Make Like a Muggle!.)
Make Like a Muggle! (It details "Muggle Experience Vacations" where "You can adventure just like Muggles do!" Except it isn't simply Muggle vacations, it's wizarding facsimiles of Muggle vacations. Trips include: "The Sedentary Museum," "Walking For Kilometers," and "Chocolates of the World — That Don't Bite Back." There is no information on how to unsubscribe.)
The Boat Show (Tagline: "A Goat, A Boat, and the Apocalypse". Features long, rambling diatribes on government conspiracies, interspersed with profiles and updates on the author's goats. Their prized goat is is Heck, short for "Hector," whose favourite activities are swimming and watching Jude Law films. There is no information on how to unsubscribe and no return address.)
The Venerated Brittania House Recording Society (Columbia House, but for wizards, and it's both prohibitively expensive to actually buy things from, and utterly pointless, and also, most of the music is bad. There is no information on how to unsubscribe.)
Blast-Ended Society (Tagline: "All Skrewts, All The Time!" Care tips and serialized stories about "The United Kingdom's Best-Kept Secret!!!!!", heavily punctuated. There is no information on how to unsubscribe.)
T ROL (Tagline: "SNED UƧ TIN GS". A collection of letters from trolls seeking advice; no advice is given. There are also lonely hearts ads of trolls seeking trolls. Most just say "TROL WANT TROL" although there are a few unexpectedly romantic ones like "TROL WANT TROL TO SING WIT + TO ♥". One says "TROL WANT BOOT." It's unclear whether or not the troll wants to boot for romantic purposes, because it lost its boot, or if "Boot" is the name of another troll. It's unclear whether or not any of the trolls whose 'work' appears in the newsletter expect a response. It's also unclear whether the title is deliberately misspelled or not. It's also unclear as to whether or not this is a comedy magazine. Actually, it's all just plain unclear, especially since the trolls all seem to be more or less illiterate. Not punctuated. There is no information on how to unsubscribe and no return address.)