RSS FEED: From The New York Times Online (Evening Edition)
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| Department of Interior Panel Declares US Habitation Border To Be Officially East of Mississippi River By MALLORY C. REISING Published: 5 April 2029  WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a morning press conference, Chief Information Officer Jamie Corbett confirmed the Department of the Interior’s decision to finalize the habitation border of the United States of America on the eastern side of the Mississippi River, thereby indirectly issuing an edict to thousands of Americans in Iowa, Missouri, Arkansas, western Louisiana, and western Minnesota to evacuate. The decision was reached after the findings of last week’s National Fallout Congress were released over the weekend.Reasons cited as a major cause for the ruling included elevated levels of uranium in multiple soil test points along major port cities along the Mississippi, as well as air quality and water purity readings taken from September 2027 until January 2029. It is expected that citizens Saint Paul, Minnesota and Baton Rouge, Louisiana will be allowed to maintain their residency despite being on either side of the river due to their status as the seat of government in what remains of the states after the new boundaries are drawn. It is also rumored that New Orleans will also be granted reprieve, although finalized sources on this point have been difficult to obtain as of deadline. By the noon hour, pundits and the everyman alike had something to say on the decision, calling the ruling everything from “a grand move for public safety” to a reckless bid to sacrificing the rights of the common landowner at the expense of an increasingly Koetke-esque agenda. As of 7:03 PM Eastern Daylight Time, Secretary of the Interior Tabatha Schlottmann was unavailable for comment. READ ENTIRE ARTICLE » |
WASHINGTON, D.C. – In a noontime press conference, President Janet Edwards announced today her decision to conclude her latest round of Cabinet nominations by proposing that Tabatha Schlottmann, Former Secretary of the Interior for the Koetke administration, should reprise her leadership role within the agency. This announcement, made in light of Edwards’ campaign promises to “renovate Washington and the nation from the ground-up” even as late as November 2028, has sent pundits in a frenzy as both supporters and detractors attempt to decipher what this means for Edwards’ environmental policy in the coming term.