InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "George loves Katie."

Kitty Pryde (Shadowcat) (kitty_has_claws) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2017-03-18 23:13:00

Entry tags:

:mingle, aidan reilly, ianto jones, jack harkness, kitty pryde (aoa), nico di angelo, pavel chekov (au), suzaku kururugi, ton phanan

[Day 419] [Mingle / Closed to Defense Force]
[Kitty waits until the team gathers into the Defense Force headquarters. Once upon a time this team was big enough that having a meeting inside would have been uncomfortable. That hasn't been true for awhile. She loudly taps a pen against a desk a few times to get everyone's attention before she starts.]

You were probably hoping I scheduled this surprise meeting so I could deliver a long speech at you, and your hopes are being fulfilled. [A pause as she once again considers not moving forward with this.] I have been thinking about the Defense Force and where it started and how it's changed and the direction it could or maybe even should move in for awhile now. We're a smaller team than we once were and I've been wanting to refocus our efforts more on the investigation side of things, but our numbers don't reflect that. I think a lot of us are here because we do something similar back home. We protect. We fight. We have a team to support us. We wanted that here too, but I'm not sure the needs of this prison support that now. I'm not sure they ever did. I'm not saying we haven't had successes. We have. I'm proud of what we built and what we've accomplished even if it's surprising how completely unpopular a team for saving lives and getting people home is. [She's taken the brunt of that message too. Complaints and criticisms from what they did to stop Spike from attacking people to just not getting everyone home within a few months time against impossible odds.]

I think it's time for a fresh take on this idea. And the thing is... It's not going to be with me. [Just looking out at everyone.] I don't think leading a team is what I should be doing right now. It's meant a lot to me. It's been the only thing that got me through some hard times. But it's not here for that.

I've talked to Jack and he's not going to be moving into the role either, so where this leaves us is kind of up to all of you. And before anyone volunteers I just want to say take some time to think about it. Think about whether you have a direction and a passion for it. Also, it won't be my call to make what happens next, so you'll just have to see if others will follow if you want to lead. Which means, for the moment, there is no Defense Force.

[And with that her speech is over. Time to see what comes next.]

(OOC: Discussion post.)

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kitty_has_claws
2017-03-25 11:37 pm UTC (link)

[She will 100% phase if he reaches out to touch her right now. She wants the comfort. She wants to trust him, but she feels so betrayed and alone right now. Only two people didn't keep this from her because it was kept from them too. ...Assuming Spike didn't already tell them and they chose not to pass it along. She hates this so much. She turns away from Chekov, upset and lost for what to do. She doesn't want to be alone anymore, but she doesn't want to keep letting people hurt her either.]

Tell me everything. [Not looking at him.]

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candothat
2017-03-25 11:53 pm UTC (link)

[He folds his arms to lessen the temptation to touch.]

I did. [No, that's not good enough. Come on, genius brain! Give him some words to throw together!] Ah... the Defense Force is controversial, it takes action--enacts punishments, specifically?--without asking for all opinions, it no longer serves its original purpose. The doctor wanted there to not be unresolved problems between him and I, I thought that it was uncomplicated but he thought that I was with you too soon and that it was extremely complicated, it was a problem and unfair and I was too eager to be with you, I admit that--I didn't admit it to Reid, I can admit it to you--but you have never been all the way together with him in the time that I have been here, and I think that was unfair to you as well.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 12:03 am UTC (link)

[This is a lot to process on both topics. If she's honest the second topic is more important to her, but she's upset with Chekov right now, so she focuses on the first.] So, he wasn't asking people about the Defense Force he was just trying to convince people it was bad? [That's what this summary sounds like to her. And considering she just dissolved the force without this knowledge it's a little moot, although now it might look like she did it because of Reid. Not much she can do about that. He was a factor—an accelerent.]

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	candothat 2017-03-26 12:13 am UTC (link)
	He asked for opinions on how to make the concept work? [Although... yeah, thinking about his own summary, maybe he was trying to convince people that it's bad. That's definitely something that Chekov should have noticed.] No, it was... it was unflattering. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 12:21 am UTC (link)

[She turns back toward him because she's not crying and as long as she's not crying she can look at him.] And he said for people not to tell us because he didn't want trouble? [She's really asking here so she has the details right or as right as she can get them. The post is gone now even if she tries to hack his privacy filter. Erased from the network. She could hack the wardens, but it's hard to get what you want and it tends to come with...repercussions. Which...were also in the way here. They even lost a day and there was a day spent as children. It wasn't a week as much as five days. Which still hurts. It was five days of being with him. Sleeping beside him. Kissing and nuzzling and laughing.] Was there anything else about the force?

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	candothat 2017-03-26 12:25 am UTC (link)
	[She might have to phase away from him if crying starts to happen.] Yes. [It'd be so much easier if he could just pull it up and show her, but no, that was only possible for a day and he didn't do it. Why didn't he say anything?] There was nothing else that I remember. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 12:49 am UTC (link)

What trouble was he even implying? That we'd have him murdered for starting a discussion? That we'd punish people for speaking up? How bad was he trying to make us look?

What is wrong with him? [Getting angrier again as she talks, but this time directed at the person who actually started it.] Is he trying to hurt me? Was that the goal? [That sounds paranoid to her and yet...] If he wanted change all he had to do was talk to me. Try to persuade me. I trusted him. I respected him. I promoted him to a leader and he could have come back anytime he wanted. He could have changed it from the inside or the outside.

[By the time she's done with that she feels pretty sure—at least in this raw, emotional moment that it was more about hurting her than anything else. It was his version of burning down Tyki's bar. Go after something she helped build. Something she cared about and was a part of. So the pain shows more clearly on her face as the next words tumble out.]

What the hell did I do that was so wrong that breaking my heart wasn't enough for him? I defended him even when he was destroying me!

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candothat
2017-03-26 12:58 am UTC (link)

[He listens, entirely at a loss for words and regretting many of his choices. He'd thought that Reid was overreacting and going about things in a questionably effective way and little more, but he doesn't disagree with Kitty. Is she looking for agreement? Are all of these rhetorical questions? Why is hugging not an option for everything?]

Kitty... [He reaches out, thinks better of it, and pulls his hand back.] I don't know what his goals are or what he is thinking, but you didn't do anything wrong. [As far as he's concerned.]

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	kitty_has_claws 2017-03-26 01:03 am UTC (link)
	[She wants that hug too, but she isn't ready to accept it yet. Not after him keeping this silent until now.] When he talked directly to you what were the things he said to you that you disagreed with about us? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-03-26 01:11 am UTC (link)
	[And he's not dumb enough to think that he's earned it.] That you had broken up recently--which is true in a technical sense, nothing else--and that it was unfair that you had moved on so quickly after holding on for so long. Unfair to all of us, I don't know how. Mostly I disagreed that there was a problem that speaking with me would fix. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 01:18 am UTC (link)

Unfair? He was upset I wasn't hurting for more than four months over him? That's as long as I was with him! [And if the metric was "hurting" then it hasn't really ended. It was lessening, but he managed to stir it up again with this. Of course she's also throwing out a vague number based more on when things started getting really rocky and distant. It was more like three months before things started with Chekov that he actually broke up with her.]

...Wait, "unfair to all of us?" He said that? [Looking a little startled.]

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	candothat 2017-03-26 01:25 am UTC (link)
	[It was a long break up. It felt like a whole lot longer than four months.] Yes. Maybe not exactly those words. I think it was "unfair to all parties involved." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 01:30 am UTC (link)

[Reducing it to the actual number makes all of this seem so blown out of proportion. How could she have fallen so deeply in love to be so fully hurt by losing him in such a relatively small amount of time? But she knows what she lived and how she felt and the feelings are valid even if the timeline sounds ridiculous.]

It sounds like he was trying to make you doubt being with me. Reconsider it. [Obviously if he was it didn't work, but the fact that it sounds so much like what he was doing with the Defense Force is really alarming.]

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	candothat 2017-03-26 01:37 am UTC (link)
	[The timeline is ridiculous. Chekov definitely feels like he has been here more than one hundred twenty-six days.] I didn't doubt--I don't. I have not reconsidered. [Obviously. Chekov didn't even consider the possibility that the intention was to make him rethink Kitty, so joke's on anyone who thinks they can work him!] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 01:44 am UTC (link)

I know... [Feeling awkward in this moment, but of course he didn't change his mind. He hasn't treated her differently in the intervening days. But because of those days she's also not ready to hug him and apologize for her ex falling somewhere between awkward or intentionally manipulative.]

Did it feel like he was trying to break us up or make you think less of me? [She wasn't there. She doesn't know the words. Maybe it sounds worse out of context than it did at the time. But her willingness to always assume the best of Reid is running thin.]

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	candothat 2017-03-26 09:00 pm UTC (link)
	[To be fair, he knows he messed up and that this might take a little time. There are some occasions (unfortunately) where things can't be fixed with an apology and a hug.] He said that wasn't his intention, and I don't think that it was. It was more... trying to make me understand why it was too soon, or explain why all of this is complicated. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-03-26 09:22 pm UTC (link)
	Why would he need to convince you of any of that? [Which is really what makes it sound so suspicious to her. Even if he is actually concerned about Chekov he must know he's not in a position to be giving constructive criticism about his ex-girlfriend's romantic relationships.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-03-26 09:27 pm UTC (link)
	I don't know. [Honestly, he doesn't.] I think that I was meant to say something or to do something, but what that would have been... I have no idea. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-03-26 09:30 pm UTC (link)
	But you don't think it was break up with me? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	candothat 2017-03-26 09:36 pm UTC (link)
	I don't think so, no. He was clear that he was fine with being apart from you, so there would be no point in having me do that. He said that he won't get in the way of us. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 09:42 pm UTC (link)

No point but hurting me.

...but good. If it wasn't that then good. [She sounds unconvinced. It's not something she wants to believe, but it still doesn't make sense to her. What was he trying to get out of it then? And why come after the Defense Force that way when there were any number of smoother, more efficient ways of doing it? The way it runs hasn't even really changed since he's been gone, so if he hates it now did he hate it then and he was lying about it? What was the point of that? She wanted his help and his feedback. And he couldn't have thought word would never get back to them. Then again, it did take quite awhile before it did.]

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	candothat 2017-03-26 09:57 pm UTC (link)
	It isn't good, no. [Whatever else it was, whatever the actual intention was, it wasn't that. Even if the plan wasn't to hurt Kitty, that's what happened.] I'm sorry, Kitty. I should have told you much sooner. [Or he should have at least realized that it was worth telling her about and not some oddness to move on from and maybe ponder later.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	kitty_has_claws 2017-03-26 10:13 pm UTC (link)
	[She nods. Refocusing on Chekov. She does believe that he's sorry and that he didn't do it to hurt her.] I know we lost some days in there. Literally and spending one as kids, but... How did you look back at all of that and think it wasn't important for me to know? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

candothat
2017-03-26 10:28 pm UTC (link)

I was reluctant to say anything the first day because there was a specific request to not do that. [Probably not wise to tell your girlfriend that you were withholding information because you were asked to, but nothing else he has said has been particularly wise.] After that... I forgot, mostly. Reid said that he was going to share the responses he received with you, so it seemed unimportant enough to not worry about if I should say things that I shouldn't or not say what I should.

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kitty_has_claws
2017-03-26 10:59 pm UTC (link)

[She accepts that Reid's plea was enough at least initially especially believing Reid was going to share it with her. And Chekov is just polite and kind in ways she isn't, so as naive as that seems to her, it's also one of the things she likes about him.

Forgetting sounds ridiculous, but this place is ridiculous and it's been a long, strange week, just like every week before it really, but things seem even more tightly packed than usual so, maybe she can understand that too.

She's quiet, taking it all in for a second before she steps in closer to him, reaching out not for a hug, but to take his hands in hers at least.]

Finding out everyone has been talking about you behind your back and hiding it from you isn't the greatest feeling.

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candothat, 2017-03-26 11:26 pm UTC

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