InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "not enough, not nearly enough."

Spike (chipswiththat) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2017-01-30 21:25:00

Entry tags:

jack harkness, kitty pryde (aoa), spike

413 - action, open and closed
[ OPEN ACTION - AROUND THE DOME ]

[ It's an errand day. Nothing special, really, expect that today Spike's loading up on more than the usual cigarettes-whiskey-bloodbags that have become his usual shopping list. He can also be found at Bull's Eye, picking up extra linen and towels, stopping by the actual frozen food section of the grocery store where they keep the frozen food that isn't blood, adds a pack of coffee to the pile. Almost like he's preparing for less an overnight guest and more something permanent. Shit hit the fan and for once he's not the one to blame.

He'll take his time, so there's plenty of chances for people to stop and say hi. ]

[ CLOSED TO JACK ]

[ It's later that evening when he tracks down Jack at some bar. Maybe it's the first bar he checked, or the third, but there's an unmistakeable determination in this search. Almost like he's looking for someone to punch some sense into. ]

Figures I'd find you here.

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chipswiththat
2017-02-06 11:17 am UTC (link)

"As long as you follow that up with actually listening, yeah."

Kind of glad Jack didn't seem to pick up on how he included himself in that group of reachers. Kind of regretted phrasing it that way from the very beginning.

"Half the time, you don't even need to come up with a solution to his problems. Just listen and think about what he's saying. Take your time."

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foreverjack
2017-02-06 12:08 pm UTC (link)

Oh, he caught it. It just wasn't new so he didn't remark on it. Perhaps because he has actually had more in-depth conversations recently with Spike than he has with Ianto (now that he thinks about it), he has actually caught on to this fact about Spike already. He just never realised it applied to Ianto too!

He nods. "Okay. I'll try, at least." A little grimace. "I've never really known what to say to people when they're having problems. I know sometime it does help just getting it off your chest, but after that... I never know how to follow it up. I guess perhaps I do try to avoid bringing things up again because I don't know how to help them."

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chipswiththat
2017-02-06 12:14 pm UTC (link)

"Never pegged you as someone who's scared, Jack." Yeah, he's goading a little bit. He got the shit beat out of him for you, you can let him have this at least.

"Like I said, you don't have to solve his problems. Be there for him. Make him feel less alone and if you really want to do something to help him? Ask him what you can do to make him feel better. You don't have to take the world on your shoulders every single time, you big dumb hero."

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foreverjack
2017-02-07 08:14 am UTC (link)

You really want to goad the guy who just beat the shit out of you, Spike? Who's still very on edge and easy to provoke? Lucky for you he's really, really trying here, and wants your help more than he wants to punch you!

So he just lifts an eyebrow and says dryly, "Scared of emotional commitment? Me? Never!"

He takes a drink of water while he thinks about what Spike's said, and then makes another face. "Thing is, I kept asking him what I could do yesterday and he couldn't give me any straight answers. I'm not sure he really knows!"

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chipswiththat
2017-02-07 10:32 am UTC (link)

You have to remember, Jack, that he's going home to your boyfriend. The more bruised and battered he is, the more sympathy he'll get. He may be invested in working this out but that doesn't mean he won't put himself first when it really counts.

"You're both terrible at this." He did talk to Ianto yesterday and gave him a similar speech to this one. "It'll take time. Chances are he doesn't know what you can do because he doesn't feel like he deserves the help."

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foreverjack
2017-02-07 05:35 pm UTC (link)

Oh, Spike, really - you wouldn't stoop so low, would you????

Besides, you're not getting hit again, at least for the moment.

"Yeah, I'll give you that one," he agrees wryly, and sighs heavily. "I guess at least here time is the one thing we have a lot of." And he can't help thinking of the day before yesterday and just how much time they had. He's not absolutely sure it's entirely a good thing.

Which reminds him. "The whole vampire thing," he says, looking up at Spike to gauge his stance on this. "He said he'd do it for real, given the chance." Which really scares him. It makes all the reasons their relationship went wrong in those twenty years seem far more likely to come true.

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chipswiththat
2017-02-07 05:40 pm UTC (link)

Oh, he'd stoop even lower.

The vampire thing draws his attention from all that though. It's... tricky, as far as he's concerned and he's already made some promises he's not too hot on. Maybe talking it through with Jack will make it seem easier. Maybe not.

"I don't blame him. It's not like we're getting any older." While Ianto would age and grow weak and sickly. That's the downside with mortals and with the three of them stuck here indefinitely, turning him would be the least heartbreaking solution as far as Spike's concerned.

"Said I'd do it if he's serious, but it's tricky and he knows it. Not something we should even think of attempting anytime soon, if at all."

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foreverjack
2017-02-08 08:11 am UTC (link)

He nods, because of course he understands Ianto's reasoning on this. Half of him shares them, the half of him that in that 'future' leapt at the idea of not losing the person he loves to old age for once.

But the other half remembers the new issues that brought up and isn't so sure.

"It's not like we're even in a position where we could do it for real at the moment anyway," he agrees, with a gesture round at their virtual prison. "And just turning him virtually in here would come with its own set of problems." It wouldn't be true immortality, just a virtual body that didn't age until the real body lying in a pod somewhere did die of old age. It might be easier to live with for all of them than experiencing him getting old, but it wouldn't actually prolong his life, and they wouldn't have any way of knowing when it might end.

He looks at Spike. "If we could do it, though, eventually - if we did manage to break free like we did in that future, and we managed to find the right spell and the right people to perform it - and obviously we'd need one for you as well... You'd do it?"

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chipswiththat
2017-02-08 09:20 am UTC (link)

"If he wanted me to."

It's said without hesitation but with a lot of thought, because he has been mulling this over. He discussed it with Ianto last night and came to much the same conclusion - no point in thinking about it too much right now because there's nothing they can do, but when the time comes there's a lot of preparations that need to be done.

"It's complicated. I've never sired anyone other than my mum — hell, I don't turn people if I can help it. It's too messy, too much can go wrong. If we're doing this, we're doing this with as many safety measures put in place as possible. Souls at the ready. I'd need the chip out too, or I won't be able to do anything."

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foreverjack
2017-02-09 05:53 pm UTC (link)

He watches Spike closely, noting the obvious fact that he has thought about this a lot. Which shouldn't really be unexpected except that turning Ianto is not really something that had occurred to him until it cropped up in that imaginary future, and so he hasn't thought about Spike preparing for it much either.

"If it ever does come down to it, experience or not, I'd trust you to make sure everything's in place," he says, because if there's one thing he's learned it's that Spike would do anything for Ianto and make sure it's done right.

He pauses, and decides he needs to come clean. "I never really thought about the idea of you turning him before," he admits, with a helpless little shrug. "Perhaps that's why I didn't deal with it very well in that future - because it was all dumped on my in one day and the real me never got a chance to really process it all. To be honest, I'm still kind of reeling at the idea of it."

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chipswiththat
2017-02-09 06:10 pm UTC (link)

"Not really something that has come up before. We haven't even known each other a year yet, the three of us."

So far their talk has been mostly about where to go when they inevitably get out of here, a question that's getting increasingly difficult to answer the longer he stays in this relationship. That's a conversation for another time, though. Taking a final drag off the cigarette, Spike gives Jack a searching look.

"What do you think of it? Now, I mean."

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foreverjack
2017-02-09 06:17 pm UTC (link)

He hesitates, which gives away a lot in itself. He laughs dryly as he realises that, and spreads his hands. "It scares me shitless. The idea that he'd be doing it, at least in part, to be with me - I mean, obviously a lot of it is about being with you but... Just, the idea that he'd be prepared to go through all that, risk all that, to be with me - or us, or whatever, that's not the point - forever. And that he'd want it to be just us forever. That's..." Okay, just say it. "That's terrifying!"

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	chipswiththat 2017-02-09 06:46 pm UTC (link)
	This is something Spike has a really hard time relating to, so perhaps it's for the best not to argue. Forever is the way to go, as far as he's concerned. Forever means it's something real, not just a way to pass time. "What makes you so sure he wants it to be exclusive? Did he say as much?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	foreverjack 2017-02-09 09:11 pm UTC (link)
	Jack gives him a look. "He said he wished I'd broken up with him before going and sleeping with anyone else. I think that makes it pretty clear he wants it to be exclusive." (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	chipswiththat 2017-02-09 09:12 pm UTC (link)
	"Did he say that this morning?" Because there is a pretty important difference, as far as Spike's concerned. Yesterday was a dream, a fake, another way for the Wardens to fuck with their minds. You can't trust anything that's said and done during those circumstances. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

foreverjack
2017-02-09 09:21 pm UTC (link)

It takes him a moment to think back and check but... "Yep. I mean, he was talking about the day before, but it was fairly plain he still meant it."

He shakes his head. "He said it made it difficult for him because he was friends with everyone I slept with here. Which makes sense, and it's possibly not something I would do if we were able to get away and explore the universe and get change and excitement in other ways, but as things were..."

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chipswiththat
2017-02-09 09:27 pm UTC (link)

He nods - alright. Fair enough, if that was a problem this morning then it was a problem. He pauses, thinking this over for a moment.

"This is something you need to talk over. Maybe you look at it like an inevitable failure now, but if you think about it... you're given an advantage here. They shed some light on future problems. Now it's up to you to face them head on and make sure they don't happen."

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foreverjack
2017-02-09 09:47 pm UTC (link)

For a moment, he'd half hoped Spike would have a solution, something he hadn't thought of, but his hopes are dashed as Spike speaks.

"I know it's not inevitable," he nods, "but given the same set of circumstances, I can't really see it going much differently, even if we are actually talking about it much earlier on. I can't see a solution that would make us both happy, not forever. I mean, if we got away from here, that would help a lot, but even so, even with all those other outside stimuli - hell, even if I never found anyone else I wanted to sleep with - I just... I don't know if I love him enough for forever."

More quietly, almost whispered. "I don't know if he loves me enough for forever."

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chipswiththat
2017-02-09 09:56 pm UTC (link)

Break his heart, why don't you? Sure, they aren't as close with each other as they are with Ianto but he still cares about Jack, privately, reluctantly and hearing him talk like this is too depressing. Spike fakes a sigh, reaches for the bottle again. Loving someone forever isn't something most people are capable of, he understands that. There's no lecture coming.

"If that's the case, then make the most of what you got. Enjoy every minute of it and when it ends... part on good terms. Not like whatever the fuck that was yesterday."

He takes a swig, masking the raspiness in his voice with whiskey.

"You both deserve better than that."

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foreverjack
2017-02-10 08:17 am UTC (link)

This is exactly why he makes a habit of not thinking about this stuff, until he's forced to by troublesome AIs who forecast him a future that's far, far too possible.

He gives Spike a curious glance because that's definitely a new insight into how Spike feels about him, but mostly he's just clutching at the actual advice in there. The 'enjoy whatever you've got while it lasts' advice is how he tries to live anyway, but how to end it... "Part on good terms," he says slowly, letting this sink in and then nodding, looking up at Spike again. "Yeah. Control the parts we can control. Recognise when it's going sour and make the decision to part then - and then maybe he would take me back later after all?"

He's still trying to find a way to make that part work. The part where he would want an open relationship and Ianto would want him to leave before sleeping with anyone else.

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chipswiththat
2017-02-10 08:47 am UTC (link)

"Won't know unless you try."

And if they try they can at least say that they did their best with what they had and maybe it didn't work out, but it's not because they were too proud to do everything in their power to get it right. That said, there's something else nagging at the back of Spike's head, a pinprick of a fear that he didn't realise he had until just now. It sounds so final.

"Granted, I'd hope you're still set on getting the hell out of here rather than roll over and accept eternity in this godforsaken fishbowl."

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foreverjack
2017-02-10 11:14 am UTC (link)

His eyes widen and he lets out a disparaging sort of snort.

"Fuck, yeah! Did you see me in that future? I was basically drinking and fucking my way to oblivion because there was absolutely nothing to look forward to!"

He shrugs. "I mean, I don't want to try to shift all the blame onto the AIs, but it does seem like a load of our problems wouldn't have been problems at all if we hadn't been stuck here. If we'd been able to live a normal life where you can actually go other places and meet other people and just live rather than rotting away in a tiny fishbow!"

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chipswiththat
2017-02-10 11:28 am UTC (link)

That's more like it. Spike grins, taking another swig of the whiskey before setting it aside.

"Good. You had me worried for a moment." Not really. "Maybe we should think more about how to do that, rather than pissing about like a bunch of high schoolers before prom. I don't know about you, but I still have some things I need to wrap up back in Sunnydale."

Despite it all, he wants to see it through. Maybe he has to see it through, to keep the world safe and intact and maybe, just maybe, a bunch of Torchwood idiots could find a way to keep him from turning into dust on the breeze at the end of it. It's wishful thinking but he's not done with this life yet.

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	foreverjack 2017-02-11 08:50 am UTC (link)
	He manages to slide on past that comment about high schoolers before prom without taking too much offence, and instead focusses on the last part, because this may have been something Spike's talked about with Ianto but it's news to him. "You'd want to go back there?" he asks curiously. "Even though you know how it's going to end?" (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

chipswiththat
2017-02-11 05:20 pm UTC (link)

Spike nods, slowly. He has thought about this a lot, more than he's really talked it through with anyone.

"Feels like I should see it through. I play a pretty important part, in the end." Saving the world and all that. He likes the sound of that, but even more so he likes the sounds of what kind of man he'll be by then. Humbled, stronger than he is now.

"Besides, if we wake up in our own bodies I'll be back to who I was when I first arrived. Chances are going back to Sunnydale is the best way to become the kind of man that deserves him."

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