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Tweak says, "Operators are standing by."

Nathan Harris (questionofwhen) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2016-05-08 02:16:00

Entry tags:

damon salvatore, nathan harris, sarah williams, spencer reid

Day 374 - Open Dream
[Your eyes are open, but there's nothing to see. The darkness is absolute. Your other senses strain to make up for the lack of visual information. More nothing.

The silence builds until it's a palpable pressure, and all you can hear is your heartbeat (is it speeding up?) and the blood rushing through your veins and arteries (did you know that had a sound?). Panic builds in the back of your throat. You need to run or scream or do something to escape the sensory vacuum, but your legs refuse to listen and you can't make a sound. Why should you keep trying? There's no one to hear you. There's nowhere to run.

Your heartbeat is the only thing in the universe. It's too loud. You're too aware of it, and that increased awareness makes you realize how fragile hearts are. It's just a muscle—a fist-sized, fluttering thing in your chest.

Blood roars in your ears. Your heartbeat falters, and you wonder if you're dying.

Something touches your arm and it's like surfacing after being held underwater. Sounds—indistinct shuffling and scraping, but sounds nonetheless—return and you can see just well enough to determine that there's someone next to you.]

It's okay. [It's Nathan. He doesn't sound as if he believes himself.] Are you okay?

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	questionofwhen 2016-05-15 06:44 am UTC (link)
	[Some of the tension leaves him. He needed that—the physical reassurance and the permission to feel things that he doesn't think he should feel.] I'm glad you're here, too. [The quality of the darkness around them changes, growing less oppressive and stifling. There's a dim orange glow, like a cloudy sky above a brightly-lit city.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-05-15 08:51 am UTC (link)
	[ Feeling it is one thing, it's the acting on it that's worse. ] Me too. [ Despite everything. He's glad he got a chance to do things right with Nathan and that's worth a lot. The changing environment doesn't go by unnoticed, but he doesn't want to spook it. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

questionofwhen
2016-05-15 09:22 pm UTC (link)

[The low light stays steady. There are plenty of times when Nathan is convinced that Reid hates being here and that he'd leave without a second thought if the opportunity presented itself. Right now... Reid would still leave, probably, but maybe he regret it. Maybe he'd try to help whatever version of Nathan exists where he goes.

Maybe not. Nathan doesn't want to think about that right now.]

How d'you know what dying's like?

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	thisiscalm 2016-05-17 05:47 pm UTC (link)
	[ It's true. He wants to go home. He has nothing waiting for him back there but he can't stay here, either. Nathan makes being here worth it tho, even if he has a hard time explaining it. ] Because I almost did, once. A little while after I met you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-05-17 07:39 pm UTC (link)
	[Reid might be a lot braver than Nathan. Nathan is too afraid of what's waiting at home to want to go back; it's not going to be as good as prison.] You did? [Curiosity edged with concern. It's not like he wants Reid to go around almost dying.] What happened? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-05-20 07:03 pm UTC (link)
	[ Nathan knows what's waiting for him. That probably changes a lot. ] We were out at a farm, looking for an UnSub... turns out the person we were talking to was also the person we were looking for. He, uh... he got the upper hand. Kept me in a shed for three days. It wasn't pretty. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-05-23 02:39 pm UTC (link)
	Oh. [That's a sympathetic oh.] The people you work with found you...? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-05-23 05:32 pm UTC (link)
	Yeah, eventually. I wasn't, uh... I wasn't badly hurt or anything. He, uh... he tortured me? I don't really remember what happened but I died for a little while. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-05-24 04:16 am UTC (link)
	What'd he do to you? [Completely inappropriate curiosity. Sorry.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-05-24 07:12 pm UTC (link)
	...You sure you want to know? [ He can tell. Some things at least, he's not going into grisly details. The thing with being tortured is that you don't really want to relive it. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-05-25 04:01 am UTC (link)
	Yeah. [That isn't the correct answer, maybe?] I mean, if you'll tell me. You don't have to. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-05-26 08:09 pm UTC (link)
	...I don't really want to get into details. Not, uhm... not because of you. [ Not entirely because of him. ] He beat me. Had me tied up, kept uh... injected me with dilaudid. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-05-27 06:05 am UTC (link)
	[At least Reid's distracting Nathan from having a really horrific dream?] That's for pain, though. [Dude sounds like an inept torturer.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-05-29 07:59 am UTC (link)
	Yeah. It is. It's an opiate. [ So the best shit for pain. ] It's- complicated, I guess. He suffered from dissociative identity disorder, so at times he wanted to hurt me and then when he got out of it he tried to ease the pain. He, uh... he was addicted to dilaudid. I was too, after that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-05-31 05:17 am UTC (link)
	[What Nathan latches on to, of course, is the abductor was caught between wanting to cause pain and wanting to make it stop. If he remembers this when he wakes up, there's going to be some reading to do.] Did he get killed? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-05-31 06:27 am UTC (link)
	Yeah. [ He swallows. Hard. ] I shot him. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-05-31 09:44 pm UTC (link)
	Oh. [Naturally, the featureless dreamscape becomes darker. Reid might hear something that sounds like light footsteps; it's impossible to gauge how distant they are.] I guess you had to. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-06-03 07:30 am UTC (link)
	I had to. I didn't want to, but I had to. He made me dig my own grave, it was- it was him or me. [ The darkening doesn't surprise him. He does tighten his grip on Nathan, protectively. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-06-03 09:13 pm UTC (link)
	[Nathan shifts closer to Reid like he's trying to hide against him. It's easy to be less self-conscious in a dream.] I don't want to make you have to do that with me. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-06-04 04:53 am UTC (link)
	[ This is good. They could probably both benefit from being more honest around each other. ] I know. I don't want to do it. [ A beat. ] But I'm not going to go back on my promise. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	questionofwhen 2016-06-04 05:09 am UTC (link)
	I know. [Nathan is unsure about a lot of things, but he absolutely trusts Reid to stop him if it becomes necessary. There's a peace that comes with the promise.] Thank you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2016-06-04 05:18 am UTC (link)
	Of course. I owe you that much. [ He hadn't even had the chance to wash off Nathan's blood from his hands before second guessing himself last time. He doesn't regret saving him, but he does wonder if it was the right call, for Nathan's sake more than anyone else. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

questionofwhen
2016-06-05 04:29 am UTC (link)

[Sometimes Nathan doesn't really regret being saved. His future at home looks bleak and he's still not sure that he'll ever be okay, but there is room for good things to happen here. Maybe he doesn't even have to go home.

Or maybe the prison is just an opportunity for him to hurt more people than he ever could have if Reid had let him die.

Whatever Nathan's feelings, Reid has settled the fears fueling this dream and it fades away.]

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