InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "It's better the second day."

Ianto Jones (readystopwatch) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2015-07-04 13:54:00

Entry tags:

ianto jones, spencer reid

Day 330 | Action/Closed to Reid
[Maybe it's his conversation with Chuck this morning. Or the fact that this is the first day in awhile with distractions like floods or flower parties. Whatever it is Ianto has spent most of the morning feeling restless and uneasy. He's hardly left the apartment since what happened with Tyki - again, floods don't count - not because he's scared but because it just feels like effort every time, like he has to force himself to act normal and interact with people like everything is fine. Like he's not still a mess. He remembers this feeling from after Canary Warf, from after Lisa and he hates that he does the same thing every time. Hurt in private but just keep going like nothing's wrong. He can pretend everything is fine until eventually he convinces himself it is and then that's that. Problem solved.

He's avoided the library since he Tyki, just like he's been avoiding the Devil's Compass - no amount of paint or happy names from Chuck is going to change that - but he's on autopilot and ends up outside it anyway. He stands there for a long moment, then sighs and pushes open the door. It's that same stupid strategy all over again. Go inside, do his job, pretend he's perfectly content alphabetizing books and making coffee until one day it's true. Just as emotionally healthy as all the rest of his decision making tends to be.]

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	readystopwatch 2015-07-08 08:22 pm UTC (link)
	[He eye's him critically, curiously, then smiles.] I feel like its got to be exhausting, doing that profiler thing all the time. Even on your friends. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2015-07-08 08:27 pm UTC (link)
	You get used to it. [ He smiles, a little sheepish. ] It's not as exhausting as being on the receiving end. If you think I'm bad, picturing spending all your time with a group of people who are also profilers. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	readystopwatch 2015-07-08 08:38 pm UTC (link)
	You can ask me the questions you really want to if you'd like. I don't mind. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2015-07-08 08:51 pm UTC (link)
	[ He has a feeling he doesn't need to ask to know what's going on, but for the sake of conversation... ] How are you really feeling? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	readystopwatch 2015-07-08 09:01 pm UTC (link)
	[He glances away, thinking. He doesn't like to talk about his problems but this is someone who can read people well and who is also, more importantly, a concerned friend.] Its the first time I've been able to come back to the library, if that tells you anything. I'm doing alright, but just alright. Most of the time. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

thisiscalm
2015-07-08 09:05 pm UTC (link)

[ He's a concerned friend who gets it more than Ianto might realize, and for the sake of bringing that point across, Reid will loosen up on that tight privacy he's so fond of protecting. Keeping everything so close to the sweatervest. ]

No, I, uh... I get it. Six years ago there was, uhm. An incident. One of our cases took a bad turn. [ He pauses, unsure how much he should say. How much he needs to say. ] I still can't feel the smell of wet leaves without going back there, if only for a moment. It's better but... these things don't go away.

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readystopwatch
2015-07-08 09:22 pm UTC (link)

[Ianto is a private person by nature as well so he recognizes the signs and knows its quite a big deal for Reid to be sharing this with him. He's not sure if it makes it easier for him to talk for not, but its meaningful all the same. It does make it easier to admit that he's not alright after all though.]

It's not the dying part that is hard. I knew I was going to die at home already. But that's all anyone ever asks me about and I don't know how to express it. What happened before I died, that's the part that's hard. [It's all such an understatement, so calmly put. He's gotten too good at dealing with trauma.]

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	thisiscalm 2015-07-08 09:36 pm UTC (link)
	Dying is never the hard part. That just means the pain ends. [ He hesitates again, heaves a heavy sigh before soldiering on. ] I was tortured for two days. Stepping out for a while was... a relief. Not that I wanted to die, but at least that gave me a moment of not feeling anything. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	readystopwatch 2015-07-08 09:45 pm UTC (link)
	I'm sorry. [He doesn't ever know how to talk to people, either about himself or their own problems. Jack has always been the only exception to that.] It was... I didn't mind it, by the end. At least it was an end. Up until then he was just... Just taking me apart. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

thisiscalm
2015-07-09 08:39 am UTC (link)

[ Yeah, he's not doing much better himself. It's one thing when he's working, when it's victims and witnesses and perpetrators. Friends? That's tougher. Usually ends up with him blaming himself for not doing enough. ]

Listen... you don't have to tell me what he did. You don't have to tell me anything at all if you don't want but... I was a target for him for a really long time. Nothing as extreme as this but I... I get it. At least a little. I know what he's like.

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readystopwatch
2015-07-09 11:56 am UTC (link)

[Ianto supposes he should have realized that earlier. The Defense Force has quite a file on Tyki. He knows that he went after Reid and broke his fingers.]

Thank you. Its hard to talk to Jack about it, in a way. I know he understands death and pain better than anyone but in a way that's the problem. Getting hurt is normal for him now. I think he remembers a time when it was more traumatizing but it was so long ago he can't quite relate to it anymore.

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	thisiscalm 2015-07-09 01:23 pm UTC (link)
	[ He did so much more than that over such a long time, but that's not why they're here. He nods a little. Can relate to that part too. ] I guess some people are just... jaded. They mean well but they don't really understand what it's like. [ Like Kitty, in a way. Somewhere along the line she stopped understanding him. ] Maybe they're too close to it too. To us. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2015-07-09 01:34 pm UTC (link)

[He doesn't know if jaded is the right word for it. In a way it makes him feel sad for Jack, because he's trying so hard to fix this and doesn't know how to begin. He's grateful to have him and he knows how much worse this would be alone but its still hard sometimes. He's not planning on pouring his soul out to Reid here but it does feel nice to have someone normal to talk to.]

Is that what happened with you and Kitty?

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	thisiscalm 2015-07-09 01:38 pm UTC (link)
	[ That's fine. Social support doesn't necessarily mean long hours of conversation therapy. Sometimes all you need to know is that there's someone out there sharing your experiences. At least, that's what he learned from the NA. ] I, ah... [ Ugh. ] I guess. I wasn't in a good place and I'm not sure she... knew how to handle that. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

readystopwatch
2015-07-09 01:57 pm UTC (link)

[He won't pry too much. He always hated when people asked him about Lisa after it was over. Some things are meant to stay private. If talking can offer sympathy or help he's happy to provide it but he won't try and make Reid talk about things he doesn't want to discuss.]

I think it can be hard, loving people like them. They're both leaders, Jack certainly reminds me of an action hero sometimes. He's someone I look up to, but I won't ever be him and sometimes that can make things difficult.

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thisiscalm
2015-07-09 02:00 pm UTC (link)

[ It's appreciated, and he'll extend the same courtesy. It's not so bad dancing around the subject either, admitting to having quite a bit more in common than he first thought. ]

Yeah... I don't think Kitty ever thought I was capable of doing my job. [ Which was insulting as all hell and one more reason behind why he quit. ] And it's hard to be with people who can't put their own safety first. After I came back, it was like she couldn't throw herself into danger enough.

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	readystopwatch 2015-07-09 02:09 pm UTC (link)
	He does that, but I don't think its because he's running away. [Not the way it sounds like Kitty was.] Its because he can. Why diffuse a situation when you can jump in front of a bullet and come back a fee minutes later? [He hates it. He's always hated watching Jack die.] Maybe what happened to me will change that. I don't know. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

thisiscalm
2015-07-09 02:13 pm UTC (link)

[ Maybe she was running away. It makes sense that she'd take it out on something else rather than talk to him when he was that destroyed. Too little too late in any case, nothing he can or wants to do about it now. ]

I hope so. You can't take that sort of thing for granted. Not if you have people who depend on you. [ Hotch rarely put himself in dangerous situations. Not the way the rest of them did and Reid is almost certain it's partially because that's how a good leader acts, but even more so because of Jack. His son. Not immortal Jack. ]

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	readystopwatch 2015-07-09 02:22 pm UTC (link)
	Must be why they don't put us in charge of the dangerous parts of the force. [A dry smile. He's not complaining. Even this limited leadership role is more than enough for him. He looks away for a moment.] Every time something terrible has happened to me in the past I've just distracted myself with work. Maybe she was trying to give me that option here. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2015-07-09 02:25 pm UTC (link)
	Maybe. [ Sounds about right, actually. ] For what it's worth, I think you're going to do well. Probably better than I did. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	readystopwatch 2015-07-09 02:29 pm UTC (link)
	I'm not so sure. Jack's technically on the team and I think he's going to get a little overexcited knce he realizes I'm his boss. [They'll get no work done.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2015-07-09 02:36 pm UTC (link)
	Good point. You know, I'm starting to suspect that sleeping with co-workers might be part of the job description. [ Oh my god it's a joke, out in the wild. ] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	readystopwatch 2015-07-09 02:44 pm UTC (link)
	[He actually laughs, mostly because he's so surprised by the joke. It feels good.] I should hope not. Kitty isn't quite my type. Don't give Jack any ideas though. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	thisiscalm 2015-07-09 03:40 pm UTC (link)
	Are you saying there are still things he hasn't thought of? I find that really hard to believe. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	readystopwatch 2015-07-09 03:55 pm UTC (link)
	Lets just say he has a boundless sense of creativity. [And since friends help friends,] And in the interest of full disclosure I'd avoid working on this table in the future. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)