InsaneJournal

Tweak says, "I'm turning radioactive."

helen magnus, m.d. d.t.c.x.b. (lifelines) wrote in marinanova,
@ 2013-09-08 00:26:00

Entry tags:

damon salvatore, helen magnus, peggy carter, rebekah mikealson, rose

day 235 | action; ota | locked voice;
[ day 235 begins early and ends late. it's obvious to anyone who runs across her that she hasn't slept well. she's kept herself up or something did and now she's got a lot on her mind. she does make an attempt to keep to her normal schedule and can be found at the clinic for a good part of the day. towards mid-afternoon, she gives up that idea, after having found herself lost in thought for the tenth time that hour. she looks for martha to let her know that she's leaving early and not to take her temperature. the last thing she wants is for someone to think she's fallen ill, though she wouldn't blame them if they did.

after that, she wanders the dome. the library, the parks, the beach, and the athletic complex are all fair game for her stops. at the end of the time normally considered early evening, she finally turns to her communicator and sends a private voice communication to rebekah. ]

You wouldn't happen to know where to get a good bottle of wine or two, would you?

[ it's completely another request to talk with her friend, because she really needs to work some things out and if anyone can help her sort out her thoughts, it's rebekah. ]

( ooc: she can be found literally anywhere in the dome or in the morning / early afternoon hours at the clinic! )

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easily
2013-09-21 02:04 am UTC (link)

It was the only way to save my family.

[Elena's life had been tied to Alaric's, and at the time she had believed Nik to already be dead (she'd learn differently, of course). The irony (if you could call it that) is Elena would later end up helping kill one of her brothers anyway.]

Elena and I have made peace here, as much as we perhaps ever can as that was far from the beginning of our bad history with one another, but some of our other citizens from Mystic Falls are not huge fans of me.

Even if they would go to whatever measures necessary to protect their loved ones. They've killed for it. They've killed two of my brothers, but I'm the bad guy.

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lifelines
2013-09-21 02:12 am UTC (link)

[ helen's quiet for a moment, thinking back on her own life, her experiences and choices. ]

Life isn't black-and-white. If it were, perhaps living would be much easier. It sounds like they are trying to live a black-and-white existence in a world that cannot support it. There is no good and evil, not in my experience. There are shades of each, times when we each lean one way or the other, but who are we to judge someone else for trying to save lives, to keep as few from dying as possible. Sometimes... as difficult as it may be to bear, you do have to sacrifice the few for the many.

[ she sighs and takes another good few sips before turning back to rebekah with a slightly sorrowful look. ]

I can hardly judge you for that if I don't judge myself for all the people I have condemned to death over the centuries I have lived, lives lost in order to save the majority.

[ like ashley, like adam worth's daughter, like the entire city of carentan. so many lives lost twice because she knew what was to happen and couldn't change the course of history. ]

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	easily 2013-09-21 02:46 am UTC (link)
	Everyone has their own agendas, their own priorities, and often they conflict with those around them. But many of them are the type to think that their priorities are somehow more justified than anyone else's. [They aren't.] There is no way to save everyone. There will always be those who have to die. It is morbid, perhaps, but true. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifelines
2013-09-22 10:22 pm UTC (link)

No. As much as I wish there were a way to save everyone, there never is. And as sad as I am to know Elena dies, I know there's a reason. For what it's worth, I don't hold it against you. I can't after what I've seen and done.

[ after carentan, after sitting back for 113 years and letting history repeat. her life is just as much a balancing act of which life is worth more and she hates it. ]

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easily
2013-09-23 02:40 am UTC (link)

She doesn't stay dead, for what's it's worth. She had vampire blood in her system, not that I knew it at the time. [She doesn't mention the Elena here is the vampire version now.

It isn't her secret to tell.]

But all things considered, Matt's friends have their reasons for not liking the idea, he has every right to be unsure. I've tried to make things right but there are things you can't truly apologize for. Things you can't simply undo just because you wish to.

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lifelines
2013-09-24 02:25 pm UTC (link)

[ she doesn't know the entirety of what that means, but she can guess. however, for all she knows, elena's still human here and she would understand wanting to keep that hidden.

she does nod at the last part, though. she knows what that's like, having watched john try to apologize and then fail at it. she'd watched him go so far as to try to hurt her, even perhaps kill her. he'd had the chance. it was pure luck that she'd done it first.

and then she'd revived him, but that was another issue entirely. ]

Perhaps not... but in my experience, what matters most is whether or not you're trying to be better than you were.

[ oh she's reminded so forcefully of john here, but it's so difficult to admit to. ]

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	easily 2013-09-24 09:54 pm UTC (link)
	And I am. [She was miserable the way she was before. Broken beyond belief. After Niklaus disowned her things kept spiraling and it wasn't until Matt challenged to be better, to stop feeling so sorry for herself that she began to feel any sort of relief.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifelines 2013-09-24 09:57 pm UTC (link)
	Then that puts you well ahead of someone else I know. [ she sighs wearily at that before reaching over to rest her hand on rebekah's arm for a moment. it's a motherly gesture, something she doesn't even recognize as such anymore. ] I hope they'll come to understand that sometimes people do change. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	easily 2013-09-24 11:40 pm UTC (link)
	[Rebekah smiles a little at the gesture, nodding.] I hope so. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifelines
2013-09-24 11:48 pm UTC (link)

I've known quite a few people who went down the way of killing for sport, for revenge, for getting in the way... or simply because they could. You don't strike me as the same as any of those examples. If you did, I certainly wouldn't consider you my closest friend here.

[ she's being honest, open as she normally isn't, in an attempt to reassure rebekah and hopefully get them both on the track to healing. ]

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	easily 2013-09-25 02:34 am UTC (link)
	[It hurts a little because she knows she's been all of those things.] I have though. I've done all of those things at some point or another in my life. I'm not a good person. There's a reason why I don't normally have friends. [Because she doesn't deserve them.] (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifelines
2013-09-25 05:55 pm UTC (link)

But that right there makes all the difference in the world.

[ she pauses before setting her wine glass on the table in front of them and turns more fully towards rebekah. ]

I've known someone who was so much worse than you, Rebekah, someone who's been those things and never understood why I couldn't love him like I did before. Understanding, remorse... that's what makes you a good person. Perhaps you aren't where you'd like to be and they can't understand any of this, but you are honestly trying. That's more than I can say for John.

[ go ahead, rebekah. ask. she's resigned herself to explaining, but maybe that will help in the long run. ]

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easily
2013-09-25 06:01 pm UTC (link)

[Rebekah thinks briefly of her brother. The way Niklaus could wrap his hands around her throat, call her nothing and then expect her to still follow his lead. Like nothing happened. Like it didn't matter. Like she didn't matter.

He is no longer the brother who stood by her side when they were turned, who once protected her. Somewhere he became the thing she needed protection from.

Some people are beyond redemption, beyond hope. ]

There are always those who can't understand why certain things can't be easily forgiven. Why you can't just go back to the way things were before.

[She pauses for a moment before asking.]

Who's John?

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lifelines
2013-09-25 06:23 pm UTC (link)

[ helen sits back a little, curling her legs up under herself, as though making herself smaller would make this topic easier to manage. ]

John Druitt... A long time ago, back when I was very young, he and I were very close. He was everything I wanted and he would have done anything I asked. Anything at all. So of course, when he proposed, I readily accepted.

[ but nothing lasts anymore, does it? ]

We were happy, but after the Source Blood, when our genetic Abnormalities surfaced, things changed. What do you know of Whitechapel in 1888? [ aka the ripper murders. ]

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	easily 2013-09-25 06:31 pm UTC (link)
	[Rebekah pauses for a moment, going back to that date and place -- ah that's why it sounds familiar.] That was when Jack the Ripper was ar -- [And then her brain catches up a little.] Was this John Druitt of yours the Ripper? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

lifelines
2013-09-25 06:47 pm UTC (link)

We didn't know it for a long time. A friend and I, because of our work with the London Sanctuary, were out doing our own detective work. Every night we would return home to tell John what had happened. It was so frustrating a case due to the nature of it, how we couldn't tip off Scotland Yard because of our suspicions that the culprit was an Abnormal and how the killer was evading even our detection. We never dreamed that the man we were spilling our hearts to was the killer himself.

[ and oh how her heart had broken when she had found out. helen can still recall how devastated she had been at that discovery, how frightened she had been to know that she could have been a victim herself if not for john's insatiable obsession with her. survivor's guilt plagued her even then. she could have stopped it, she could have changed him back, if only she had figured it out sooner.

but she hadn't. and john was forever lost to her. ]

Needless to say, I broke off the engagement. I don't think he ever truly accepted why I could no longer love him. He followed me around off and on for a century like a lost puppy. [ her voice has changed from sorrow to scorn, a telling sound in and of itself. ] He was the reason I jumped backwards in time. What he wanted was to go back to 1886, to prevent us from ever taking the Source Blood, so we would remain engaged and he could have me for his own. When he realized that wasn't possible, he came to me to stop it.

[ and how her blood boils at the thought that he didn't love the woman she had become enough to change for her, to accept her as she is rather than the woman he had once loved so very much. ]

He never changed, Rebekah. He never understood why I couldn't love him, why giving in to those darker impulses only made me more angry. That's why I'm willing to help you, to be your friend.
Perhaps you've done things you regret, things someone else might not be able to forgive. The important thing is that you care enough to try. You want to be a better person. And so you are.

[ and after everything she's been through with john, is it any wonder why she's so afraid of what she has with jean-luc? ]

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easily
2013-09-25 07:27 pm UTC (link)

It's hard when people lie to your face, isn't it?

[Rebekah knows this feeling implicitly because all anyone ever seems to do to her is lie. But no one has done it more than Niklaus.]

I told you how my parents made us into vampires, didn't I? It was because my youngest brother, Henrik, had been killed by one of the werewolves in the village. They wanted to protect us, make us stronger, but the ritual turned us into monsters.

[Rebekah can still remember that first urge to kill, how she could not understand the craving for blood or the way the sun scorched her skin.]

Werewolves in my world -- they only trigger the curse if they kill someone. It was after our first kill as vampires that we discovered my mother had had an affair. My brother, Niklaus, was half werewolf. He was both, a hybrid.

My mother tried to fix it, tried to hide her shame by repressing his werewolf side. He saw that as rejection -- and Nik never took rejection.

[And this is the part that is still difficult for Rebekah. Though her mother's more recent returns has made it easier to swallow she still remembers the sorrow she had felt then. Would she have made that promise, always and forever, if she had known the truth?]

Nik told us our father killed her because of a jealous rage. For a thousand years, I believed this implicitly while our father hunted us to the ends of the earth.

It was only fairly recently that I discovered the truth. My brother had lied to us for all those years. All he does is lies and manipulates. Takes what he wants and discards things when he's done with him.

I forgave so much, because he was my brother. He was my family. But some people don't change.

I don't want to be one of them. I don't want to be like him. Bitter and angry and unable to allow anything in but that darkness. I want better than that.

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lifelines
2013-09-25 07:46 pm UTC (link)

[ and suddenly, a lot about them both makes sense. they both understand the feeling of losing someone so vastly important, of realizing that the one person they've loved above all else is no longer the person they once knew. reconciling those differences, understanding and accepting that things will never be the same, is a long and arduous process, one helen finds herself still traveling down to this day. from the sound of it, that path is one rebekah needs to journey as well.

instinctively, helen reaches to squeeze rebekah's hand, in comfort for which woman, she isn't quite sure, but her eyes are shining with tears. ]

You are neither John nor your brother. You are who you are and I fully believe you are capable of being whatever you want. If you want better than that darkness, I know you'll find it.

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	easily 2013-09-25 09:49 pm UTC (link)
	[It is an every day process, not one Rebekah thinks she will ever really be done with, honestly. The squeeze surprises her a little. People rarely show her comfort or kindness, it's something that feels alien to Rebekah at this point and her own eyes wetten with tears.] Thank you. (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	lifelines 2013-09-26 04:08 pm UTC (link)
	[ helen just nods, her voice sticking somewhere in the back of her throat. ] We immortals have to stick together, don't we? (Reply to this) (Parent) (Thread)

	easily 2013-09-26 07:33 pm UTC (link)
	[she smiles a little at that.] We do. (Reply to this) (Parent)

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