He may be Vader someday later, but now he's (justasmallfry) wrote in makebelievelog, @ 2013-08-18 12:30:00 |
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Entry tags: | ickle anakin skywalker, obi-wan kenobi |
Who: Ani and Obi-Wan
What: Things haven’t been going well since his afternoon skip from the Castle – they need to discuss things
When: Saturday evening
Where: Their rooms
Rating/Warnings: Probably low? Lil’ Ani doesn’t have the mouth his older self has
Status: In progress/Closed
Meditation wasn’t working. Ani was trying so diligently to make it work, but his efforts only compounded his problems in the end. Meditation the proscribed way usually left him feeling anxious when a session was over. He’d learned by now complaining about his experience only drew censure for his supposed lack of concentration. So he continued to try and kept his thoughts about how he felt to himself.
But sometimes he was left feeling more than anxious at the end, sometimes mediation took him somewhere that wasn’t a peaceful communion with the Force, but was dark, cold, and empty. Sometimes, when in that place, he used to get vision that didn’t leave him with any kind of serenity. Thankfully he hadn’t had one of those in a while. But that didn’t change that dark, unsettling feeling he still sometimes got.
This was one of those times. And the more he pushed himself the more his attempts dissolved into a frustrating, apprehensive mess.
So he gave up. He stopped trying to still his mind to open up to the Force and opened his eyes instead. They were in Obi-Wan’s sitting room area. The peaceful way Obi-Wan just seemed to get it made Ani feel a pang of jealousy – he was almost resentful. He wondered how Obi-Wan could stand it, how did any Jedi stand this, or did he even experience the same things? It didn’t matter, Ani realize, as he would be upset either way. Because in the end, he still couldn’t do what he’d been instructed to do.
And he wanted so desperately for this to work because if he couldn’t make it work then it was all over.
“May I be excused?” he said, more heatedly than he had intended. But he felt like he was going to burst anger all over everything the more he stayed there, an increasingly frequent feeling these days.