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Tweak says, "Wait, who's Dwigt?"

Helena Wells-Quinzel is H.G. Wells (indelibleink) wrote in makebelievelog,
@ 2013-01-14 03:07:00

Entry tags:

h.g. wells, myka bering

Who: Myka and Helena
What: After Myka saw Helena's conversation with Finnick, she now wishes to prod the issue(s).
When: Tonight after this
Where: Their bedroom
Warnings: TBA but will say low to medium given the content to be discussed. And Helena has no filter currently so who knows what will come out of her mouth.
Status: Closed/incomplete

It wasn't a wonder why Helena had gotten as sick as she was. Given all the stress she was under, partly due to her younger self having snuck out with the younger Anakin to see the dragons, partly due to her struggling with telling her younger self about her future, and partly due to the stress of a job, it really wasn't a mystery why the flu had escalated into something bigger. Helena hadn't given thought to her constitution because she'd always been very healthy. Aside from having a couple severe illnesses in her childhood, a broken leg, and childbirth nearly killing her, she'd never been ill overly much. Well, nothing more than a simple cold or flu here or there, so she'd never truly thought she'd get as sick as she had become. Oh she knew she had over-reacted when Myka and Claudia had taken her to the hospital to see a doctor, and she knew she'd over-reacted and been far too bitchy the following day. But Helena Wells was the world's worst patient. She was not one to simply sit around in bed all day without having something to work on. But even having a notebook to sketch inventions in or write in only entertained her for so long.

If she had not seen Finnick's post earlier in the day, Helena might have thrown a tantrum about being kept in bed. But as it stood, Finnick's post had diffused that and sent her mind along another track, successfully distracting her for a time. She'd even fallen asleep at some point for an hour or two after her exchange with Finnick. But after waking, Helena couldn't help but reflect on some things she'd said to him. She knew Myka loved her, and there were instances where she could see why she did, but more often than not, Helena couldn't see the good in herself. She was trying, but she had a lot of darkness to work through. Though perhaps the true issue in all of this was that Helena had yet to forgive herself for the things she'd done. She felt so undeserving of forgiveness, even after the good things she had done to save Myka, Pete and Artie and to try to protect the Warehouse as best as she could. The Warehouse itself had forgiven her, giving her that scent of apples shortly before the bomb detonated. She knew that Myka forgave her. She knew all of that on a rational level, but she couldn't forgive herself for the monster she'd once been. So that was perhaps why she didn't understand how others could forgive her, see good in her because she was so stuck on the bad.

When Myka had texted her, Helena had been writing. Not a novel or short story, but a diary entry regarding the topic foremost on her mind currently. As much as she wanted to continue the flirtatious comments, she couldn't keep it up. She needed Myka, needed to feel that sense of comfort and love. Setting her phone and notebook aside, Helena had immediately snuggled up to Myka when she came in and laid down. Helena rested her head on Myka's chest, just listening to the beat of her lover's heart, finding comfort in the sound. Her arms were locked around Myka's middle, pressing close against her, an unspoken sign that she wanted and needed comfort. The Victorian woman wasn't one who always outright asked for comfort. She always kept her chin up and such emotions close as she was raised to do. But right now, she needed Myka and the comfort she brought to her. Her defenses were down due to her being ill. Helena briefly broke contact with Myka to turn her head away and cough, then she returned to resting her head on her chest.

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beringandwells
2013-01-19 05:59 am UTC (link)

Myka had been reading and thinking up assignments when she had decided to send out a few text messages. It had been awhile since she had heard from Charlie and any chance to pester him was one that she couldn't pass up. That and she was ensuring he was still about the castle. While Myka knew that Andy would have said something if he'd been sent home there was still the possibility the man was morning the loss and hadn't informed everyone. So when she received a text back from him a sigh of relief was released. The man who had become her best friend in the castle was still around. Her texts with Claudia and Helena had hit her hard. Helena having been sick had been stressing her out, especially the woman's tendency to shrug off listening to advice. But after much bickering she'd heeded orders and had been resting. It still didn't mean that Myka wasn't worried. Every time her girlfriend coughed Myka would glance in the direction she was or get up to go check on her. Losing her a second time was something that she couldn't bare to have to go through.

After her texts ended with Claudia, Myka knew that she needed to be a better friend and sister to the younger woman. In her haste to put together lesson plans and prepare herself for a journey she had never pictured taking she'd began to neglect Claudia. At the time she hadn't noticed how she would carry on conversations and then be pulled into writing out assignment guidelines completely forgetting those around her. That was something that needed to change. Claudia was someone that Myka felt she could talk to about anything. And lately that anything seemed to be Helena. After Finnicks post earlier in the day Myka wondered how she was going to handle approaching Helena about everything that she had said. It pained her to know just how much Helena wondered why she stayed and why she believed in her. Myka understood on some level but nevertheless couldn't help being upset that Helena was blind to how much everyone believed in her and that they forgave her. At the very least, Myka forgave the Victorian woman for what had been done.

Myka had just placed the book she'd been reading through down when Helena's last few texts had come through. What she'd said in response had been true. Whenever Helena needed her she would drop whatever it was that she was doing and go right to her. And when she'd received a response saying that she was needed, Myka had put her things down and walked into their room. Helena was laid up in bed and Myka immediately walked over and crawled into the bed. At night, Helena would pull her into her arms and hold her. But from the moment she'd crawled into the bed the normal routine had been changed. Helena had snuggled closer to her and laid her head against her chest. There was a moment where Myka was unsure what to do but then her arms moved of their own accord. She slid her one arm under Helena and the other over her, holding the older woman to her body. When Helena coughed, Myka felt it through her own body due to their proximity and her arms had tightened slightly. Her grip relaxed when her girlfriend settled back down and her head resumed its place resting against her chest. Pressing a kiss to Helena's hair, Myka laid there in silence before quietly saying, "talk to me, Hel."

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indelibleink
2013-01-19 08:26 am UTC (link)

Changing the routine to Helena being the one being held and Myka being the one doing the holding was no doubt highly unexpected, but Helena did need that role reversal currently. Normally she never objected to being held, unless she was angry at the person trying to hold her, but she was far more the type to do the holding. But currently, that was not what she needed. So she did notice the moment of Myka not knowing what to do, but she didn't comment on it. It no doubt was because Myka had been taken by surprise by the sudden role reversal.

After she settled back down against Myka, Helena heard her words. She was silent, not because she didn't want to talk, but because she wasn't certain where to begin. The Victorian woman had many demons left within her, and they were starting to rear their ugly heads once again. Though this time, the ones that carried her sense of herself were coming to the forefront. She wasn't doubting whether or not her girlfriend loved her, she knew that and was reminded of it every day. What she didn't understand was what Myka saw in her that was worthy of love, worthy of being forgiven. To anyone on the outside looking at Helena, they could no doubt name many things about the Victorian author that were worthy of love and forgiveness, but when Helena looked at herself? All she saw was the evil that had tainted her soul blood red. All she saw were the numerous sins and atrocities she'd committed. She couldn't yet forgive herself, but could she ever forgive herself for everything? She all ready knew she would never repent for killing Christina's murderers, so if she wouldn't repent that act, could she forgive herself for committing it?

And what about all the innocent people that had died or been hurt by her actions? How could she possibly forgive herself for those things? People like Daniel who had lost his father because of Helena's failure, and the people that had lost their lives because of Daniel trying to get the attention of the "aliens" that took his father from him. And two of her fellows agents at Warehouse 12 that had died because of her obsession with time travel artifacts. Everything regarding these issues was crossing her mind.

"I do not understand how someone like me can be forgiven for the atrocities I have committed. What do you see in me that is worthy of that?" Despite the fact Helena could have used "others" instead of directing the question precisely at Myka, she had no will to speak in broad terms. She wanted to know what her lover saw in her because then she just might be able to see it herself one day. At the very least, she could strive towards seeing it if she knew what to look for.

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beringandwells
2013-01-29 12:14 am UTC (link)

The silence was becoming a common theme with them. Like with Christina, Myka wasn't going to push for Helena to talk to her, she'd let it flow at whatever pace her girlfriend felt the most comfortable. If that pace was to not speak at all then that is how it would all go. From the moment she had seen Finnick's post Myka had anticipated this. She'd even begun to think of ways to make Helena believe she was forgiven. There was no doubt in her mind that the Victorian woman knew that she was loved. Myka had made it a point to tell her each and every day just how much she was loved. But now that she lay there in silence waiting for Helena to speak, Myka remembered how Claudia made her realize that she had never once expressed just why it was that the Victorian woman was forgiven. It was something that had just never been verbalized and truthfully ignored. And now it seemed that was bringing it all full circle.

At Helena's words, Myka's grip tightened around her. This was what she had been waiting for. The prompting to jump into a discussion that should have happened long ago. But as she lay there holding her girlfriend in her arms, Myka was at a loss for words. The woman who was a bookworm and had an answer for everything couldn't find the words to express why the woman she loved was worthy. Knowing that not answering would make things worse, Myka shifted and pulled Helena even closer to her body.

Twice she opened her mouth to have words fail her once again. On the third try she was finally able to voice a response, emotion evident in her voice. "You gave your life to save me, Helena. Anyone who so willingly would give their own life for another deserves to be worthy of forgiveness. And when I look in your eyes I see beyond what you've done and see the woman you once were before losing Christina. The fact that she is still a part of you shines through every time you help someone."

Taking a breath, Myka lifted Helena's head up off her chest so she could look her in the eyes. It was an awkward position but she felt more comfortable saying this when she could look into her girlfriends eyes than into her hair. "Helena, you were a mother, who had her daughter ripped away from her, and then had to watch it happen later and be helpless to prevent it. Everything that you've done has been because no one really thought to see how much it was affecting you. Grief manifests itself in so many different ways." Closing her eyes, Myka sighed because she was doing the worst job of making Helena believe she was worthy. But this whole situation was bringing emotions up that not even Myka knew were lurking beneath the surface. She wasn't joking that grief manifests in different ways. When Sam had died she'd buried herself in work and became closed off. But there was always the feeling that if she ever ran into Leo again that she would kill him instantly. Maybe the reason that she was so sure that Helena was worthy of forgiveness was that they were so much alike.

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indelibleink
2013-01-29 03:14 am UTC (link)

The silence was not uncomfortable, which Helena was grateful for. Sometimes it did take Helena time to properly put into words what she was thinking or feeling. Even though she was an author, there were times when words did fail her when she needed to express herself. So she was glad that Myka didn't push in those moments and was instead patient. While there were times when Helena would make some vague metaphorical reference to a subject she didn't want to talk about, she was becoming more open to talking when she needed to, though even then there were still periods of silence as she put her thoughts together. It was perhaps a bit more difficult for her to string her coherent thoughts together currently given she was ill, but she was still trying.

Feeling Myka's hold of her tighten, Helena drew in a slow breath, careful not to agitate herself into a coughing fit right now. The silence that followed her question was met with patience on Helena's part. She knew Myka was trying to find the right words. But Myka was right that not giving any answer would make all of this worse. So Helena waited and wondered about the answer.

When the answer did come, Helena listened, but it prompted yet another question. There were many doubts and demons that needed to be defeated in this, and Helena knew they would not all be defeated in one conversation, but she needed to know what Myka saw in her. And she didn't quite understand how Myka could see past everything else she'd done. Though perhaps that spoke to the fact she knew Myka had a good heart. Myka was Helena's moral compass because her own had been broken when she'd lost Christina and descended into madness.

When Myka lifted her head, Helena looked her in the eye. Though the words Myka spoke caused tears to well up in her eyes. What Myka had said was true. Helena couldn't remember a single person, aside from her brother, that had even tried to see how grief was affecting her. But Charles had given up far too easily, letting Helena push him away. Myka was the only one that pushed back when Helena pushed, which is what Helena needed.

"But does dying to save another truly make up for a lifetime of wrong doing?" Helena still felt as though she had much to prove to those she'd wronged that she wouldn't fall back into that pattern again. The road to redemption was a very long one and Helena wasn't entirely certain she could ever redeem her soul. "I don't understand because when I look at myself, all I see is the wrong I have done, the demons that haunt me. I have trouble seeing that there is still a part of me that is not tainted by the blood that I have stained my soul with."

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beringandwells
2013-01-30 04:43 am UTC (link)

When it came down to it Myka would always push back. She'd always be there to talk Helena down if the need arose. And though the thought brought pangs of sadness if Helena ever pushed her away she'd push right back. Because she had seen the coping mechanism of pushing everyone out of your life happen within her own life. When Sam had died she'd pushed everyone away and focused on work.

"Helena, I know you trust me. And please for now trust that when I look at you I see someone worthy of forgiveness." Myka said in response. Convincing the Victorian woman that she was capable of redeeming her soul was going to take some time. To an extent Myka knew how much Helena's demons haunted her. She'd heard the entire run of events for what had happened to Christina's murderers. It was the main reason why she knew that this was never going to be an easy venture. The question Helena posed was a powerful one. In her mind, Myka was screaming that yes it was. But for someone who had spent so long letting her demons fester while her body was encased in bronze, the answer wasn't all that simple.

Myka closed her eyes willing her emotions to remain in check. It really wouldn't do for her to break down while trying to help her girlfriend out. She had her own demons but those could be addressed at a later date, for now it was all about Helena. "You know that part of you that loves me more than anything. Hold to that. Because that piece right there is untainted. But whether it is tainted or not doesn't matter to me. I love you; and that means both the good and the bad. So please just believe in me." When Myka finished she couldn't prevent the tears from escaping so instead she settled her head more comfortably and pulled Helena back to settle back down in her arms.

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indelibleink
2013-01-30 06:22 am UTC (link)

Helena would do everything she could to not push Myka away again. She'd tried that all ready at Yellowstone, and she didn't want to go through that again. The Victorian woman didn't have the strength to go through a fight of pushing away. She'd all ready made up her mind that she never wanted to be parted from Myka, and she was going to do her utmost best to make certain she didn't end up pushing her away again.

At Myka's first response, Helena searched her eyes. She wasn't searching for whether or not she spoke the truth or anything else along those lines. She was searching for love, for the way she looked at her. Helena did trust Myka, she'd always had. She always trusted her to do the right thing. But this was not something that would be easy to accomplish. Myka was up against over a century's worth of demons and beliefs that Helena held. But even with that uphill battle, Helena wasn't going to run away, not when she'd finally gotten what she'd spent her entire life wanting. Did she wish she was a better person without most of the demons that haunted her? Of course she did, but fate certainly had an odd way of working. Had it not been for Christina's death, Helena never would have been Bronzed in the first place and never would have met Myka. And that was not a scenario that Helena liked, even if it had meant never losing herself, she would never trade anything for Myka, not even the chance to have Christina back.

At Myka's further answer, Helena couldn't help but feel her heart clench. Myka was the only person who had said anything like that to her. Coming from her, the words had more impact than Myka may have realized. It meant more to her that Myka loved her and took the good with the bad. As she was looking at Myka still, she saw when the tears escaped her eyes. Settling back against Myka, Helena rested her head back on Myka's chest and she tightened her arms around her, pressing closer to her.

"I do believe you." It wasn't a lie either. It could sometimes be difficult for Helena to believe in things, but when it came to Myka, it wasn't hard at all. "Sometimes I wish I had listened more closely to Caturanga. Sometimes I wish my life had been different. But being here with you, having you in my life and loving me, I wouldn't change a single thing. This is where I belong." Well, she'd possibly change the whole thing with the Minoan Trident and Yellowstone, but even then, Myka still loved her, still trusted in her and believed in her. And Helena wasn't about to just let go of all of that. A couple tears of her own slipped from her eyes, landing on Myka's chest.

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